I think I'd have an easier time writing this post about my sex life.
I have always, always, sought my Dad's approval, and to a lesser extent, that of my adoptive Mom/Stepmother. If you know about my upbringing you may find that pathetic, or infuriating.
I do.
Dad's always had the "conventional" view of success: good grades, good college, good job, good spouse, good family.
I'm a high-school dropout, a couple years of part time community college, no degree or certificate. I'm self employed and making a very modest income. I can't even drive. I'm dependent on public transit. I have post-traumatic stress, brain damage, and a couple different flavors of "crazy".
In some ways, I did make the grade. I bought a nice little house without asking him for money. We've kept it for over 10 years during a horrific recession. We have our own business. I do evangelism. I take my medication as directed, "very stable" per my doctor, and live a sober lifestyle. In fact, I never abused anything other than caffeine. I'm a "good wife" and caregiver to my very disabled husband.
The above are "pleasing" to the "parental units". As each event occured, they let me know they were proud of me.
But, like a lot of kids, I want them to be thrilled with me, all of the time.
I think it bothers them, on a basic level, that I never had a child. Dad doesn't have any blood related grandkids. He has 4 "steps".
Anyone knows I could not mother. Any child I had would have ended up in foster care, assuming they lived that long (I am a carrier for Bubble Boy syndrome and some nasty variants). On a logical level they know I made the right decision, marrying a "fixed" man, but...
Dad recently told me "I always wanted you to be an engineer" (had things been different I would have gone into the medical profession) "But an evangelist is a much higher calling."
So, I thought I'd tell him all about the evangelism. He was polite today but he said something that really cut me.
"I know it's important for you to get positive feedback on these things".
OUCH.
After I hung up, I took it to God. I know I want their approval, and feel like I never really got it.
"You were my daughter long before you were his" God told me. "I created you, this way, for this purpose."
Wow. Good point.
So, now, do I shut up about my work altogether? I think I'll just wait for them to ask.
1 comment:
Honestly? I began to receive more apprval from my mother when I matured enough to truly, really, stop caring if I ever got it. I was a "daddy's girl", and never had to do much to have his approval, I had to do something really bad to not have it. My mom, OTOH, let's just say that I was a mostly quietly stubborn kid, who grew into a really rebellious young adult. Even my rebellion was partly a reaction to not receiving her approval. If I couldn't be perfect enough, I just wouldn't even try. I had my own problems with perfectionism that I could never attain.
Once I matured and settled down, it really became unimportant, so that I no longer sought it, not acted out in reaction to not getting it. Perversely enough, once I didn't need her approval (but always her love, she's my mother), I started getting it, lol. I lost the perfectionism, in most areas, somewhere along the way also. Life is a lot better when I don't make it tough for myself and everyone else :)
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