"Take a day off for yourself"

About 6 years ago, I was lucky enough to be the recipient of some life-changing advice. My husband, already disabled and now badly injured, prostrate in a hospital bed. I stayed with him 24/7 (a doctor wrote orders) and helped with gentle reality orientation, general company, and outright spoiliing. He always did better when I was around, so I was bound and determined to stay with him as much as possible.

One day, out of clean clothes and about to start my cycle, I realized I needed to go home. I felt like the worst wife ever. I was going to abandon my husband in his hour of need. How could I think about things like lonely housecats, checking the mail, and toiletries at a time like this? How could I?

I very apologetically explained that I'd be leaving when the new nurse aide came in. She frowned at me. "How long will you be gone?" I told her, only a few hours. She sniffed "Not good enough". I continued to explain, I was so sorry, but I really NEEDED to go, I'd be back as soon as possible.

"No, you don't understand" she explained in a beautiful Jamaican accent. "You aren't taking enough time away from him." I gaped at her. I'd never heard this before. She continued "I have helped with a lot of homecare, people like you and your husband. Your heart is in the right place, you want to do everything for him. But you can't. If you try to do everything, you will hurt yourself, and him."

It made a hell of a lot of sense. "The best thing you can do, for both of you, is to take a day off for yourself. The whole day. Go out. Don't think about him at all. Do whatever you want, but don't worry about him. He will be fine. It is far better for you to go out and rest than to stay and burn out." I explained there was no POSSIBLE way I could take the whole day off. She frowned.

"OK, a half day then. Mr. Ron!" She leaned over Ron's bed and bellowed at him (he's somewhat deaf, too). "Mr Ron! Your wife is going out!" Ron murmured a protest. "You want a happy wife? One who stays with you? You let her go out once a week, you MAKE her do it. If you don't do this for her, she won't be any good for you. You love her right?" Ron agreed "Then, once a week, you send her out to have fun! You listen to me!" She turned to me again.

"If you no good to you, you no good to him. You both remember that, you be fine. OK?"

I am utterly convinced, to this day, that woman was sent by God. If more caregivers (and patients) received her loving advice, think of all the peace and harmony! Families living together, caregivers happily giving, knowing that they also receive, happiness all around.

Instead, so many caregivers try to do do do it all. I have to do it on my own! I CAN'T ASK FOR HELP! Then they burn out, at best they end up with a crippling depression perhaps, everyday a miserable chore to endure.

The last month has been crazy for me. My father almost died, my husband's no better, my transportation options are pretty limited, both cats were sick, and sales were terrible last month. I didn't get my day out a few weeks running - too many other "Important" things to do.

Well, today I did it. Ron sent me off with a smile, and I finally did simple things like get a haircut, go to the thrift store, and check out that new beauty supply store. I ate 4 delicious flame broiled beef patties and went to the sporting goods store. I went to a different grocery store and bought myself some berries and cream. I bought incense, and a cute new belt. I drank a lot of diet soda and showed a hairdresser, restaurant manager, and convenience store clerk my "before" photos.

As I took my shower tonight, I burned my new "rose" incense (after shutting Ron's door) and enjoyed myself immensely. Tomorrow? A lot of running around at work, take out the dumpster, call in a food order, and go home after work.

I'm ready for it, now. Thanks to my "day off".

Thank you, whoever you are.