Boogeymen

Today I saw two men with obvious severe mental illness. Guy #1 was manic, grandiose (the senator calls him for economic advice), talking his head off, very loud and aggressive, getting into other people's personal space, and almost shouting. If I were a good Christian I'd say I prayed for him. I just prayed to GET AWAY from him.

I met another man on the bus. He was convinced he knew me (Delusions). I just said "I have one of those faces". He kept asking intrusive questions but I managed to dodge him and escape as the bus approached my stop.

Then, on a message board, I read a post by someone who claimed "I have bipolar disorder, but I handle it naturally". What the HELL?

I mean, to me, those guys are the boogeymen of unmedication. If I go off my pills, I'll make them look like amateur night. It would undoubtably end with police, handcuffs, mental hospital. If it went well. Ending badly? Probably in the morgue.

I can't fathom risking your mind like that! It's anethema to me. I have nightmares I can't find my pills, the thought literally terrifies me.

Perhaps it because my illness was so hideous. By the time I was diagnosed, I had rapid cycling, mixed episodes (which means I'm far more likely to suicide), delusions, hallucinations, and felt like I was living in hell. Hell was inside my brain.

I'll never forget the relief I felt when I discovered Hell had a name (Bipolar) and a treatment! I resolved, as I read one terrifying side effect after another, that I didn't care if I puked all day, my hair fell out, and I never did any needlework again, as long as I could get some relief.

While my medication is somewhat toxic, causes fatigue, and has definitely impacted my blood sugar regulation, it's so much better than Before. My hair's fine. I can embroider, spin, knit, and crochet. Most importantly, I can type. I'm a little slower, I've noticed, but that's fine.

I work for Ron, and he's happy with my performance. That's what matters.

From everything I've read, I'm in the minority. Many people with bipolar disorder don't want medication... and the ones who do take it often aren't consistent in their dosing.

I'm a freak, if I can swallow I'm taking my pills. I set alarms. I get anxious if I'm down to 100 lithium tablets.

I'll stay a freak. I don't want to ever act like those guys I met today.

Again.

I know I did, for years. One of the first things I did when I escaped guy #1? I called Ron and thanked him for being so faithful.

God knows I would have run like hell, just like I did today.