Get in line

1.  I told Ron I was already depressed today.  I don't know if he doesn't receive it or he disregards it.  If I were to call him on it, he'd probably get very offended and say I never told him.  Note that in the context of what follows. 

2.  I mentioned how all my friends and the paratransit service were very supportive of me, dealing with the verbally abusive driver (more in post below). 

3.  Ron's response to said verbal abuse: It's your fault for being fat.  Lose weight.  You could be thin if you wanted to, but you want to punish me so you stay fat.  He believes it is "shameful" to be married to a larger woman.  I did not make any comments about his problems, but I thought about it.  If I were like him I'm sure he'd ditch me.  He really thinks verbal abuse is OK, if "there's enough provocation".  My existence at a size 22W apparently qualifies.   He harangued me for a good 15 minutes every time I brought it up.  Sometimes, not often, I wonder why I confide in others.  Then I remember. 

4.  When I have lost weight, he rants about other "failures" - and makes comments like "Your body isn't fat but your spirit is fat!  You're fat!" 

5.  I always thought he was supposed to be my confidante.  Instead, I find myself preferentially seeking out God, and others, before I go to him for comfort. 

6.  Having lost a size didn't qualify (I wasn't even trying, and was more shocked than anyone).  Because "it's not enough" and "I'll only care when you get down to 130".  Let me be clear: I was not trying to please Ron.  I'm trying to eat more protein and less junk - better quality foods if nothing else.  I am also extremely physically active taking care of Ron and running the business. 

I'm sure Ron wonders, on some level, why I shut him out.  Right now, literally.  I have headphones on, staring at the glowing screen, my back to everything and most particularly him.  I tune him out, I shut him out. 

He's talked some about getting online.  He thinks it will be less lonely that the existence he's made for himself.  Most of his "old friends" do not return his calls because he was ugly to them during blackout phone calls.  I don't blame them.  He's very judgemental of everyone but himself. 

I think about what Ron will find if/when he does get online.  I'm sure he'll find my blog.  I could never get him to read letters I wrote to him, trying to work out our problems, so firstly I'd have to say he probably wouldn't be bothered to read it.  If he does, though... it would either polarize him and make him realize he has to change, or most likely destroy his image of our marriage. 

I had a panicked thought or two that I might have to delete the whole thing, but decided I wouldn't.  I may have to hide my thoughts and feelings in person (standing up for myself ends in more verbal abuse, and unless I'm willing to leave him entirely that will not stop), but I don't have to hide them online. 

I'm not sure how Biblical that may be - but I have to have some defenses against the verbal abuse.  I'm not going the self injury route.  I'm not numbing myself with chemicals.  I'm not going to become a frantic pleaser worrying about upsetting or offending him.  I'm not going to attack him back because that validates him and "See you're so broken".  It is TREMENDOUSLY rewarding to him if I answer back in any fashion, so I don't.  He wants that payoff - where I lose my temper and shout at him.  One of my other abusers was very similar.  Ironic. 

So, like I did growing up, I shut down.  I shut him out.  I let other people in (not very far) because I don't want them to see the ugliness in my life. 

I believe any "normal" man would have been furious at what happened, outraged on my behalf, and demanded justice before I even thought of it.  But that's not who I married. 

He had the whole attitude, if anyone wants to kick me they should get in line behind him.