Glory in my infirmities?

I'm fairly overmedicated so I may ramble a bit.

Last week I handed out all the Bibles I bought, and then I ordered more. I hope I did some good for God, and allowed Him to reach people who need His peace.

However, I can't help but wonder if my evangelism sparked an attack from the devil. I had a horrible mixed episode... still have it. When I sleep, I have nightmares about sex and cannibalism, dripping blood everywhere, zombies, warewolves, etc. It's just horrible. This has happened before.

Not only that, I've been VERY irritable. A woman I didn't know greeted me today, and I got angry. Oy. I didn't let it show, I've had to be good at covering up my illness, but I couldn't help but wonder WHAT THE HECK? I'm sick. Boy, am I sick.

I hate having this illness and brain damage too, but it allows me to reach people that God would not otherwise be able to reach. So, I have to look at it like that. God needs me this way. I truly believe that with all my heart and soul. A normal, no-mental-illness Heather couldn't reach the people that I can reach. Besides, it says in the Bible, "My grace is sufficient for thee (God speaking there). Therefore (the writer says) I will GLORY in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest more fully on me." 2 Corninthians 9-10

I'm supposed to GLORY in this? Typed, no less, while I'm taking a lithium tablet?

No, no no this is what I learned: hide your disabilities... don't let on that you're weak. The weak get eaten! The weak get pecked to death in the hen-house. The weak get bullied. The weak get teased. The weak are left crying alone in their rooms.

Except, I was never alone in my room. I firmly believe that when I cry, God cries with me. I believe that I am never alone, even in dark canyons of mental illness where I can't see the sun and some weird thing is howling right behind me.

I thank God that I've carried these burdens my whole life. I've never been normal, and had my normal mind snatched away by a bipolar cycle. I've always gone up, down, mixed, and delusional as far back as I can recall. Thank God for that! It's scary enough as is, how terrifying to have a sudden onset as an adult! Perhaps while caring for children!

I've never measured up to the normative standard. I always had trouble with developmental milestones and I'm still somewhat socially impaired. I do fairly well now, thanks to Dale Carnagie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. I think it should be standard reading in every classroom. It's an incredibly easy manual. Follow the rules, people like you. If I have a botched social transaction, I can reread my book and figure out where I went wrong.

Don't talk about mental illness, Heather. Hide it. You'll frighten people. No. What's scary, me going off my medication, will never happen. I've shared my illness when I thought it was appropritate - I think a better word is "disclosed" and had people ask me what it's like. I share. Some have affected family members. I can give some advice from a fellow sufferer. I gave out my doctor's number one day... THAT lady, got out of her cab one day, came over, and thanked me personally about a month later. Wonderful!

I like to help people. I like to show them that you can have joy in your life, joy that comes from knowing God, that I'm washed clean of my sins because Jesus took the time and trouble to die for them. That no matter where I go, what scary dark corner of my mind, God is always with me. He carries my burdens.

I just have to seek out His will and do it. Right now, that seems to be witnessing and handing out Bibles. You got it, boss.

He doesn't ask for much.