"Withdrawals"

I used to spend a great deal of time on a Christian Message board (before medication). When the board would be down, people would kid around about how they'd go through "Withdrawals" while the board was unavailable.

I'm not sure what it was, but something killed my computer last week. I couldn't blog - that was rough; and I missed my email. I was waiting on a "We shipped your order" confirmation from a wool place; amusingly, the snail mail receipt and the order (via UPS) arrived yesterday.

A couple days ago, we had to ride with another Metrolift client. She had some kind of joint problem and kept screaming every time the driver hit a speed bump. The driver was very regretful and apologetic but the minivans are not known for their fine suspension. The vans aren't much better.

I couldn't understand why I was so angry at her - both during the ride and for about an hour afterwards. I finally realized that when I'm in pain, I don't get sympathy from the general public. If I tell a friend or family member, they're sympathetic, but that's it. I can't "scream". If I did "Scream" I'd get locked up, no one's going to feel bad for me. I can't limp around and have people rushing to open doors or help me lift things. If I'm having a bad reaction to my medication, I'll get looks of skepticism. What am I doing, staggering around? Am I on something? Get away from me! I can see it in their demeanor - Get away from me! I don't know what's wrong with you but I don't need your wierdness!

It's painful. As I've been grappling with this issue, the triangle of symptoms/medication/side effects, I've encountered several obviously manic individuals. They're obnoxious. They couldn't shut up if you paid them to be quiet for 10 minutes. They're hyper. They talk too loud, don't listen, they're nosy, tell you what to do, invade your personal space, and generally scare the hell out of me. I don't want to be like that. Not to mention the fact that my symptoms, pre-medication, were so terrible I probably would have killed myself if I hadn't known they were treatable. I'm never going off my pills.

That said, it's awful when I fall over things, the perpetual dizzy spells, forget Ron's breakfast in the "To go" bag sitting on the table right in front of me, get nauseous instead of hungry ("I'm queasy, I need to eat something. Ah, much better now"), the insistent dry mouth, and the weird pimples on my lower legs. A few days ago, at Walmart, all of a sudden I could feel my medication SNAP into place. I had a lot less desire to spend! spend! I felt dizzy and foggy and medicated. I had an overwhelming sense of depression and loss.

Why? I thought. I like to be "self-aware". I finally placed it and called Ron. "It's like you know, every time you take your pills, an hour later you'll go blind." I definitely suffer a "loss" when my meds kick in. I can't think as well, if at all. I get very "foggy". I get dizzy and kind of numb. It's a lot better than being sick but why should I have to choose?

There's nothing like getting smacked with side effects to make me realize, I have an incurable, lifelong illness. It's a serious illness that will kill me, if given half a chance. 50% of all Manic Depressives attempt suicide. 11% succeed. Plenty of cancers exist with lower mortality rates. I've got a disease, that in some regards, is worse than cancer. If I allow it, It will destroy my marriage, ruin all my relationships -- I did a pretty good job of trying with my family already, wreck my career, and ruin my life. It's not a gentle illness.

Here I go, battling my monster, one day at a time. I have to look at it as a daily battle, otherwise it's too depressing. But it's a battle, and a monster.

That's a lot to deal with.