Yesterday was horrendous

 I have to backtrack to Wednesday night first.  I bought a very nice tray of beef meat and soup bones.  

I had to cook it yesterday, that's why it was such a good deal - markdown.  I will buy markdown meats some places, this store is one of them.  And 3 pounds of beef for $7 can't be beat.  

I woke up with a moderate headache, took something.  I got ready for work and got out the cutting board.  I put the beef in the crock pot with chopped onions, sliced carrots, garlic, and some spices.  I wanted a good stock base with some cooked meat - I thought I could make some soup or something.  

The onions, it's hard to explain, when I was cutting them the scent got up in my head in a very bad way and magnified the headache.  The scent was still on my hands even after washing and I just found it revolting.  

I tried taking some Butterbur, a migraine prevention herb which can help sometimes.  It didn't.  

I got to work OK but the headache was escalating on the way.  

When I hand out the candy it is a sandwich bag, a couple handfuls of hard assorted wrapped candy, the "Now and Laters" (not the actual brand but the type), bubble gums, lollipops, lemon drops, etc.  Interestingly enough my personal favorite candy is peppermints.  I don't hand those out the recipients hate them.  So I've got the candy.  I also put in a note "I'm praying for you daily" and sign it, put a Bible verse sticker or write a Bible verse on it.  Then I put a tract and/or a Scripture booklet in there too.  That's the candy.  I did up a bunch on Sunday and just ran out yesterday, it's great to have it ready to go.  

I have 2 buses to get to work.  The second driver I get pretty frequently.  He is a nice, young, black guy.  Very skilled driver and actually manages the people on the bus.  

I was riding to work and just not feeling well.  He called me up and I went up front.  He said "I read the Bible verses you put in the candy.  Do you have some more for me?"  I told him I thought Psalm 91 and Psalm 46 were good ones for him.  He said thank you.  He also requested more prayer, he said he saw I pray for him daily and he "needs more, it's really important".  I said absolutely.  "You don't know how bad it is out here" he said desperately "We really need prayer".  I told him again I had him.  I said "I'm always strapped when I leave the house " (ghetto slang for carrying a gun).  "Let me get you one" got a New Testament out of my bag, gave it to him.  He laughed when he saw it and took it.  

We got to my stop, I walked in the store, and I was whalloped with the most evil migraine you can imagine.  

I can't vomit in a toilet, it's too hard.  I did find a trash can.  As I was walking to the back I saw the lady who has to cover for me if I'm gone.  She gave me such a lovely smile when she saw me.  I thought "I can't call out she'll have to do double work"  

One of the associates saw me getting sick so it got around pretty fast.  I told them I had a migraine.  I would work but there was one thing I couldn't do with my head this way.  I couldn't do it today but would be able to do it when I felt better.  My friends basically said, clock in, work your shift, we will look out for you.  So I did that, and they did look out for me.  

I figured, accurately, I was going to feel terrible anywhere I went so I might as well get some good will and some money out of it, save my PTO for something else.  I did it all.  

It was very busy but I kept up with it.  

I had the spicy boss but she was pretty busy and she tends to avoid my work area when it's very busy.  She did come by "pecking" at me over something and one of my friends took her aside.  I don't know what she said but she was much nicer and told me to take my lunch early.  No one wants to do my job and it has to be done if I'm gone.  And I did the work.  

I got through it.  

I thought I might be able to eat some pasta when I got home.  I got that and some cottage cheese, I thought that would be good mixed.  But when I got home (Ace got me) the house was full of the smell of braised beef.  It would have been delicious if I hadn't been sick but it made me very queasy.  I couldn't wait to get that crock pot in the fridge.  

I went to bed and slept OK considering.  I still feel pretty terrible but not as bad as I did yesterday.  

The cats are good.  Scrappy did a drive-by this morning.  The weather is lovely so I'm surprised my Original Gangsters (Biscuit, Spotty, and Cleo) are home at all.  

That's it for now.  

I had trouble sleeping last night

 Today's going to be fun.  

I did think I need to look at my clothes and see what I can wear to jury duty.  I'll put up the letter this weekend it was mostly "fashion police" "Don't you dare..." stuff.  I have a blazer, I have blouses, I have long church type dresses.  I'll look and see if we have any slacks.  They had a whole lot about capris.  I can't wear capris to work I'm not wearing them to jury duty.  And while I have purple jeggings I'm not wearing them, either.  

The original cats slept with me last night, all 3 of them.  And I was thinking there is barely any room for Scrappy much less a husband.  If I remarry I'm going to have to get a bigger bed.  If I remarry.  

Happily the bed is fine for now; when I can't sleep I never blame the bed.  Scrappy was out all night (he's intact, after all) but he did come home when I turned the light on.  They still have a lot of food so I'm not worried about that.  I just did their water bowls.  

For some odd reason they all love to drink out of a bucket.  So they have a traditional water bowl and the bucket.  But they always go for the bucket.  Bubba did that too.  

Oh, I am tired.  Today's going to suck!  

Up and at em

I got up at 4, got ready, went to work.  

When I went in one of my coworkers, was getting ready to leave.  She was very distraught.  

I don't know how to phrase this, she gets very upset sometimes - crying, etc.  She was today, and left.  I think we have something in common if you get my drift.  

One of the other employees was saying she needs to call the employee helpline.  I don't know the answer I hope she gets it right, whatever it is.  

Anyway we were shorthanded because of that which meant "Coach" found out.  Coach wasn't happy, apparently, and had one of the supervisors come in 3 hours early.  The supervisor wasn't happy.  

They didn't say anything about me being gone but they had stuff that I do, waiting for me, this morning.  I took care of all that in 10 minutes.  The Team Lead wasn't happy to hear I was leaving at 1.  

But they wanted to work me 6 days in a row, without getting me over 40 hours or overtime, that meant one of the days had to be short.  Next Friday is another oddball, 4-8:30.  I have never come to work that late in the day, it will be interesting.  

Tomorrow and Wednesday are long days.  

For some reason I was just wiped out coming home today.  I went to bed and took a nap.  Cleo joined me.  When I sat on the bed, Spotty came out of his drawer and gave me a soft, sleepy, meow.  Very cute.  I saw Scrappy and Biscuit but they were out enjoying the lovely day we're having.  

I thought it was funny, when I came home today the house smelled like curry.  That's it for now!  

3 PM Sunday

 it's been a hard weekend but I made it.  I had plans, most of them didn't happen.  I holed up like a hermit fighting my mental and spiritual battles.  

And I did what I've done before; turned it all over to God, the whole sordid, stinking, mess, and said "You say You can make something wonderful out of this, save people and use me to bring them comfort.  I'm going to trust in Your plan for that, that You're going to use it for good".  

I made some pancakes, and took a nap with Cleo.  Woke up with the original 3 in my bed.  

One thing I'm proud of, I did up a huge sack of "driver candy" (candy with Scripture booklets) first thing when I got up.  I'm also listening to positive music.  

I don't think today's a day for Linkin Park.  Ha ha.  

I did get a great photo of Spotty today: 

I made the mistake of leaving the drawer open.  I've always had problems with the drawers sticking so I often leave them open.  It was full of socks.  

Last night I woke up to see Spotty digging in the drawer with great intensity.  He's thrown nearly all the socks on the floor.  I went back to sleep and woke up to him like this.  

I'll do something else with my socks.  

Last year is probably going to go down as one of my more significant life events

 It really woke me up and got me thinking about things in my life.  

Ron was abusive.  He was manipulative, gas lighting, selfish, and a control freak.  

I think that's one reason I'm not interested in looking for someone else.  Afraid I will end up with a jerk.  I will leave that up to God.  He knows where to find me.  

One thing I grapple some people in my life have this narrative of Ron as a loving husband.  Pretty much everyone.  I don't think it will do much good to take that apart.  People I've met since his death I have been clear Ron did not treat me right, no details.  

I'm going to think on that for a while, I think.  

Battling a hideous depression

 My dinner was good - I made a spicy tomato curry with lentils and 10,000 vegetables.  Rice, coconut milk.  Lots of leftovers.  It had the right amount of spice, enough to wake me up but not enough to make me cry.  

That said I'm not going a lot of the stuff I had planned.  I'll figure it out tomorrow.  

I'm going to bed early after a little Bible study.  

I ran out of freezer space

 I have no idea where I'm going to put the lentil curry, or the chicken Haleem.  I already started soaking the Haleem mix I am committed now.  

I had some trouble with the washer but it got the jeans clean.  I have one more load but I'm going to do it later.  I'm still hoping to take a nap today.  

I have let a little bit out with select people; but people in general don't want to hear about the last 34 years.  I don't blame them.  A lot of it is awful.  

I think that is one reason why I have made it in my job so long.  The boss is not always sympathetic or respectful.  She's had X management her whole life, carrot and stick approach; a lot of stick, with her.  After the things I've seen this is nothing.  

To be blunt: I am used to being disrespected.  So I'm not going to walk out (as many have) because I "didn't like her tone".  

I had a nice nap with Cleo.  She was in the bed but not touching me.  I'm going to check the mail in a little bit.  

That's it for now.  

Sorry, this weekend has been ALL processing trauma

 Anyway I was thinking about food and cooking.  

My Dad is a very picky eater and likes minimal seasoning on his food.  He was paying the bills so that's what I grew up eating.  Eventually I learned cooking on my own.  

When we had the deli it lost a lot of money.  It was basically food provided at cost to the Postal Workers so we could have the vending machine business.  It always lost money because 1.  the prices were too low and 2.  they didn't respect us a as a real business.  

For a while we sold baked potatoes, for instance.  We would provide it with a scoop of butter, a scoop of imitation sour cream, a scoop of hot BBQ beef, and shredded cheese on top.  We offered this for a few dollars.  You can see the problem.  Anyway one night a guy brought in a plain baked potato he had made at home, he wanted us to put all our toppings on it, for a quarter.  Just the cheese would have cost the quarter.  We said no of course, in a rage, he destroyed Ron's long white cane.  Who does that?  

That's why Walmart customers don't faze me, they are nothing compared to Postal Workers.  We got the last laugh, we told our "consultant" (hired gun from the State Blind Vendor Program) we were having suppldey chain problems with the potatoes so we were discontinuing them.  

On another occasion, a postal worker, in front of a camera, took a crowbar to one of my snack machines attempting to pry the door off and rob the machine.  He wrecked the machine but couldn't get it open.  That is one time I cried, I had been taking care of that vending machine for 20 years.  I knew there was a camera; but the Postal Police made up some bogus excuse "they didn't have the footage".  

Anyway I told Ron we needed some hot dinner specials not just deli food.  I came up with a menu, cheap food we could serve different ways and make some money.  They were very popular and we actually turned a profit.  

Ron would get very unhappy when people complimented my food, said "Anyone" could cook it.  Then they started coming and asking "Did Heather cook it?  I only want Heather's spaghetti" etc.  He got very ugly at home but I was making him money.  He made me write the recipes down which I did.  I'd say the only really notable fact I used seasoning in the meals - the ground beef for the spaghetti was cooked with onions, garlic, and Italian seasoning, for instance.  

He tried to get the other girls to cook the meals and they said no.  Then he got run over.  They closed the deli after we came back because it was too much for him.  

He didn't like me cooking at home.  If I made something for myself he would smell it cooking, ask for some, say it was good.  Then go right back to demanding restaurant food and TV dinners "because it tastes the same every time".  

I am guilty - I tweak my recipes constantly.  

So I stopped cooking for a very long time.  I only got seriously into it again last year after my assault/wake up call.  I am having a blast at home with my fully stocked pantry and my bag of chicken leg quarters.  I got 4 meals out of that recipe I put up this morning.  

Next up I'm going to cook some chicken Haleem.  It should be fun!  

Saturday

 Well the chicken is good.  

Sweet and Hot Pineapple Orange chicken 

2 chicken leg quarters 

2 inch cinnamon stick, broken in half.  

One plantain, peeled, sliced, and quartered.  

1/2 (or about 1 cup chopped) sweet potato

1 cup (100% Juice!) pineapple orange juice (side note: probably very good with mango juice)

1/2 t salt 

1 T ginger root, minced or 1 teaspoon dry 

1/2 t Kashmiri (or high quality) chili powder

I use a liner.  Mix sweet potatoes and plantains on bottom layer.  Pour in the juice.  Top with half the ginger root and 1/2 the cinnamon.  Shake chili powder and salt over the chicken leg quarters, place on top.  top with the rest of the ginger and cinnamon.  Cover and cook on low for 8 hours.  

I'm going to serve it over basmati rice.  

I am working on a chicken Haleem now.  I have to soak some things first.  I'm also making some basmati rice of course.  

I was thinking about a couple of things.  1.  Cleo got back in my bed last night but acted scared until I sat in my special chair to do God Time.  She got in my lap, let me pet her, ate treats.  I told her I'm not going to give her any more flea drops.  She's still skittish, poor thing.  

I texted someone about my schedule and mentioned I have March 6 off.  March 6 is a very important day for me as it's the anniversary of my first Bible Handout and it's 15 years this year.  First Bible Handout  Evangelism.  Is.  The.  Most.  Important.  Thing.  In.  My.  Life.  

Anyway they hit me back, so sad it's the day Ron died.  No, it's the day God took him out of my life.  Big difference.  I didn't say that.  Some people in my life want to believe it was a great, passionate, love.  That he respected me.  They won't hear the truth so I've stepped back a little.  

I told someone recently I used to go to work black and blue, choke marks on my neck, arms bruised, etc.  He used to go off on me with horrible invective in front of just about anyone.  Cursing me out and calling me horrible names.  No one ever once said or did a thing.  

Side note, some time into our relationship Ron was being awful to me, I was crying over it and he said You're not crying enough.  That flipped a switch for me.  Some time later, in  a very kind and sympathetic voice, designed to elicit trust, he asked me why I never cried anymore.  I told him I didn't know.  That's who I married, that's who God took out of my life.  It takes a tremendous amount to make me cry these days.  

I did my part, I helped him, ran his business, wiped his butt when his own family ran like hell.  I did everything I should.  But I am so glad I never had children.  

I'm glad it's over.  I don't miss how he treated me.  

Midnight Friday

 For a very long time, I was in survival mode.  I had to just bury all my hurts and keep going.  Dance or die, to steal a song title.  

I have been abused a fair amount, that's why I was really shocked I took it so hard when I was attacked last year by the guy with the knife.  The only thing I can think he could have killed me easily.  And that made it more significant than all the times Ron (and those before) smacked me around.  

It's like the wound got lanced and all this hurt's come out.  Fast.  It's been a lot.  

I feel like I'm OK mentally.  The only real out of character thing I did was color my hair and even one of my bosses had been suggesting that.  

I try to have a pretty hard heart when it comes to news stories.  I found out, after Ron's accident, facts are easily twisted, the innocent blamed, and the guilty walk away.  But the stories of the Gaza hostages (the Jews taken hostage), what was done to them, etc. have really hurt my heart.  

I'm a woman who took in Scrappy because he was crying outside in the cold.  You can imagine how I feel about helpless, hurting, women and children subjected to cruelty.  That's all I'll say, the awful details are out there if you want them.  

It is interesting looking at my cats.  4 of them, now.  One abandoned and neglected, but the sweetest and most cuddly little boy you can imagine.  3 of them - tortured, basically.  Cleo, I don't think, is ever going to come out of that place of trauma, fear, and pain.  She just about had a breakdown today when I tried to give her flea medicine, a harmless nothing task that doesn't cause her any pain.  I would have had to restrain her for 15 seconds to apply the vial to the back of her neck, but that was too much and she's still hiding almost a day later.  It took her 5 years to get in my lap.  For most intents, she is feral.  I still love her and accept her where she is.  But I have concluded she's never going to get over what was done to her.  I know some of it; I don't want to know the rest but it must have been bad.  

Spotty is very sensitive below his shoulders and bites me if I try to pet his butt.  I wonder at times if that is due to an old injury.  The vet wasn't worried about it.  He is very leery of strangers but approaches me, gets in my lap, likes pets on his head and shoulders, sleeps with me at night.  But everyone else is scary.  

I actually witnessed Biscuit's abuse.  He, like Spotty, is very leery of strangers but loves to be pet everywhere by me.  I can play with his belly fat, rub him all over, kiss him, etc.  He is very cuddly with me, loves to get in my lap.  But, as a rule, hides whenever anyone comes over.  

I did my hair, that takes pretty much a whole day once a month and I decided to do that today.  I just finished rinsing it out.  My days off have been erratic and I would rather do it now and gain a couple weeks than have to do it on a "one day off" work period.  

I made some chicken tonight.  2 chicken leg quarters (about 2 pounds), a cut up plantain, half a sweet potato, a cup of (100% juice) pineapple orange juice, and a half teaspoon of Kashmiri Chili powder.  I'm going to add a little salt as well.  I think it will be a nice change of pace.  I want to try some other recipes as well.  

Time to check my schedule.  One of the managers called today (not mine, but a department I'm loaned to periodically) wanting my help and I told him "They scheduled me 4 days off in a row".  He cut loose with a R rated version of "What are they doing?!" and I said "You'll need to talk to Coach".  

I figure if my coworkers, Team Leads, and this other Team Lead pressure Coach I will get the elusive full time position and somewhat stable hours.  Those working the night, turning around, coming in early the next day, shifts are brutal.  

This one's going to get ugly, I warned you

 The farther out I get from my marriage, the more I look back in horror at what I endured.  

Ron's favorite epithet was "Worthless bitch".  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I could retire.  "Fat" was another one he used even when I wasn't.  He would say "You're fat on the inside"?  Huh?

I've covered this but he passionately hated it any time anyone paid attention to my appearance.  He wanted a frumpy, fat, cowering mouse in the corner.  

He controlled every penny.  I got a small allowance that was it.  He didn't want me to get a cell phone, when I did he put it on a credit card, said "he'd" pay.  He didn't and they cut the phone off.  I went to the provider and put it under my debit card.  He was pretty upset about that.  Demanded my passcode to the voicemail.  I had nothing to hide so I gave it to him.  He would monitor my voicemail.  

He told very personal information about me to his pervert buddy who had the hots for me.  Who then made repeated, unwanted, advances.  I found the man revolting - not his looks but his general attitude.  He bragged to me about being a sadist.  I don't know why he thought I'd find that interesting.  

When I meet people they always ask if I have kids.  That's a loaded question with a couple of layers.  No, I don't have kids.  The surface layer I tell them Ron found out his blindness was inherited and he didn't want to put that on a child, so he had an operation.  That we (not us, "I") were looking into adopting a disabled child from foster care.  

There are other layers I don't discuss.  Won't.  I may have had a couple miscarriages and that was for the best.  It was no place for a child.  I won't say more.  

I'm going to take a nap, do my hair when I get up.  I mixed the henna about 12:30.  I used a little more black tea than usual, half a cup of apple cider vinegar, and the juice of a whole lemon.  

When I see a coworker looking beat down I always tell them "You're going to make it!" and smile.  I get varying responses from a wan smile to "I hope so!".  

I'm going to make it.  God can make beauty out of what's left of my life.  

Flea drops

 Speaking of fleas I am chasing down the cats, one by one, and medicating them.  Advantix drops for the big guys another brand good for all cat weights, for Scrappy.  

Biscuit was easy.  Spotty, I found him in my bed and got him pretty quick.  Cleo saw me doing Spotty, we did a little dance back and forth.  I'm battling depression today, slow enough she got out.  So I need to do her and Scrappy.  Scrappy has clearly never had a flea treatment in his life.  For a young cat, he has a fair amount of scarring on his ears.  

Frosty 

Was an unusual cat.  He actually had a chronic yeast infection in his ears.  But the medicine had to be refrigerated and he hated the ear drops as much as Baby Girl hated those eye drops!  Oh he would run, hide, fight, just like the active shooter video, when he saw those drops in my hand!  

I understand.  For them the drops were painful and for Frosty cold and painful.  Of course he didn't like it.  But flea drops?  The cats never make it easy and I've gotten the stuff on my hand.  It doesn't burn.  I don't get it.  

I know they don't want to itch.  

So I'll get Cleo eventually, and Scrappy's first time should go easy.  He lets me pick him up to move him, etc.  The first time I picked him up he hid his head in my arms but he's getting more used to touch now.  I think his people did OK feeding him and not hurting him (much, but that's another blog), but they didn't touch him much.  

I am very hands on with the cats and love to have them all piled in bed with me.  That's it for now!  

"Fleas"

 It took me a very long time to come to terms with my disabilities.  No one wants what I have; no one wants brain damage, either.  

Oddly enough the only accomodation I've ever required is for my peanut allergy.  They provide disposable rubber gloves when I work grocery and keep me out of the peanut aisle.  

When I met Ron he and I were in a "special" program for people with disabilities.  He got fired for dating me.  They dressed it up a little but Dad was clear he would sue everyone if Ron stayed.  

When we moved in he was in a job training program - to become an office worker.  How to use a computer, answer phones, etc.  An adaptive technology manufacturer built him a "light probe" a little stick he could hold over the hold lights on a telephone to see if a line was clear or holding.  

I helped him get some motion detector statues.  One was a duck.  The other was a frog.  If he heard quack, ribbit, he knew someone was entering the office he would stop them.  If he heard ribbit, quack, they were leaving.  It worked very well.  Adaptive technology does not have to cost the earth.  

In my case Ron strongly advised me not to identify as disabled, to do the work and not ask for accommodations.  He felt I would end up in the vocational rehab "system" if I did and would get stuck in some menial position.  

He had a thing about "fleas" people who worked for government or non profits.  Interestingly enough his most lucrative and satisfying jobs were "flea" positions.  But he really wanted to make it in the private sector.  I went with him on countless job interviews.  

I disclosed I had a disability during my onboarding process at Walmart, that I did not receive government assistance, and that I did not require any accommodations (I didn't know about the peanut thing yet).  

I have mentioned I have "brain damage" but not what kind really.  It doesn't really matter; I don't have seizures and don't require anything.  I consume a lot of caffeine (no energy drinks though) that is about the only thing of note.  

It seems like almost every person with a disability is in some sort of assisted job program.  It's good, and it's bad.  Sad but true: someone with a disability is going to be taking a lot of time off, get sick a lot.  Employers aren't looking for that.  

I know at my store they have cut payroll down to the bone.  Positions that had 4-5 people have one person doing that and something else now.  If someone's missing it leaves a big hole. 

And, as I've said in my online work group, if you call in someone else has to do twice the work.  Now and then is one thing, ongoing, that's an issue.  We had an employee with seizures she was taking a lot of time off, also not doing the work when she was here, etc.  She left but I think she didn't have a choice.  

That's it for now!  

Friday morning

 I'm a Gen X.  I'm proud of it.  I attended a talk by a demographer who said that Gen X was the smallest population of all the generations living today.  I believe, in part, that was due to the advent of workable birth control and the legalization of abortion.  It was easy to prevent a baby, or get rid of one.  So a lot of people made the choice.  

I was actually a planned pregnancy.  My Dad has told me that on several occasions.  And then she drank heavily every day she was pregnant.  I'll just leave that there.  

But I made it and I'm proud I'm Gen X.  We saw it all!  Including the Terminator movies.  

It seems, to me, like AI has exploded recently the last year or so.  Hasn't anyone ever seen those movies?  Skynet annhialating humanity on judgement day?  AI run amok?

That's not what's going to get us.  Our own sin will.  God will rapture the believers, and I believe the innocent (those too young or unable to make the choice for Christ) as well.  That will send humanity in a tailspin, God's judgement starts coming (cue Revelation), the AntiChrist shows up, etc.  

AI still creeps me out.  As you've seen I don't need any help with my writing.  I have a Chromebook and it recently downloaded an AI "help" feature that will often suggest phrases as I'm blogging.  

I have almost 10K posts.  I can write on my own, thanks.  

The cats are good.  All 4 of them stayed in last night.  Spotty really loves to sleep by my head which is fun.  I got a good night's sleep, no headache.  I'm a little cold though.  

Plans for the day: 

God Time, litter boxes, shower, set up the henna.  Henna takes 4 hours to develop before application.  Do kitchen/cooking stuff.  Take a nap.  Apply the henna.  Do more kitchen stuff (not much I can do without glasses but I can cook).  That's it.  

Allergies

Both sides of my family have various allergies.  My mother had known food allergies (shellfish) and my Dad has a lot of environmental allergies.  I've had allergies my whole life, made worse after living 7 years in a mold apartment.  

I have food allergies which mean I generally eat at known "safe" places or cook my own food from raw.  I'm allergic to garlic, for instance, which they put in everything.  I like Chinese stir fries and Indian curries, I can make them at home without the next-day migraine.  

I have a theory I haven't shared.  Most people in Houston come here from somewhere else, and they seem to be particularly troubled by environmental allergens like pollen, etc.  The natives don't seem to have issues - Ron for instance.  He grew up here and had no issues.  

I used to dread waiting for our ride home from work because they had a huge oak tree right over the "bus stop" where I'd wait on Metrolift.  I would be weeping with allergies during pollen season but I had to wait there.  Pine trees and cedar also get me, too.  

I'm also allergic to cats and Spotty and Cleo have been sleeping next to my head at night.  I swear they are one cat in 2 bodies.  They are 2 of the most tightly bonded cats I have ever seen in my life.  I love them and adore the company, but my allergies have worsened.  

I tried taking a generic Zyrtec last Thursday, before my day off.  I got a migraine.  Last night I tried some Flonase, got a migraine.  Sudafed will cause a fatal interaction with my antidepressant.  But I can take generic Mucinex so I'm doing that.  

That's it for now!  

A funny cat story for a change.

 When we bought the house in 2004 Ron was in and out of his wheelchair.  He had partial paralysis of his right side.  He could get around the house OK, usually, "walking".  He would lean on things in the house like the couch or the wall as needed.  Sometimes he used a walker but in this story he was walking around the house and then using the wheelchair when we left the house.  

Side note: it's a small house.  

I had a couch from IKEA, a "Lillberg" loveseat.  Ron liked it as it had cushions on a sturdy wood frame.  He could grasp the frame and use it to help himself along.  

The way the house is set up you can really only have certain configurations.  The bed can only go on the north wall in the master, etc.  This couch could only run East-West parallel to the hall.  

Since Ron was blind he always asked me to "keep pathways clear".  I was always mindful of floor clutter so he wouldn't trip.  He would trip on his own sometimes, go down like a tree, and then haul himself up.  He never wanted my assistance on that, drunk or sober.  

The couch was convenient for that, I could fit my shoes under the couch.  I generally only have a few pairs of working sneakers and then a pair or two of dress shoes.  I'm just not a woman into shoes.  But I always stowed them under the couch when I got home every day.  I prefer bare feet.  

Ron shouted at me one morning about "my shoes".  They were in the hall, not under the couch.  This was not the first time, he said, and he was *fed up*.  He had mobility issues and needed that walkway clear.  I vehemently denied doing that and we went back and forth for a while.  We were both convinced we were right.  

At the time, I had a large black cat named Bubba.  

We had this argument off and on for months.  One day when I woke up Ron came in the bedroom and apologized to me.  I couldn't believe it, he never apologized.  

"I'm sorry, Heather" he started.  Then he began laughing "Bubba is moving your shoes at night."  

What?  

"Last night I was going down the hall and I found your shoe again.  It was moving around.  Bubba had pulled it out and was rolling around on it!  He's been moving your shoes!  We were both right!"  

Bubba continued to do this, off and on, for the next 9 years or so until he passed.  He just loved my shoes.  

Now one of my cats is doing it.  I don't know which.  It doesn't matter.  They want to roll around in something that smells like me and I think that's sweet.  

I thought you might enjoy that after the last story.  

One regret that doesn't go away

 ///// and that's all Spotty has to say.  

The cats are enjoying the attention.  

Even though I did everything right in the next story I still feel like I did something wrong.  

I found Baby Girl the First in a trash can one night when I was running in my neighborhood.  I would basically run a one mile loop however many times I needed.  I was training for the half marathon.  So I got up to a 13 mile run before the actual race.  It would take a while.  

I'd see Bubba when he lived with his first owner, a lady with a hummingbird feeder who took the feeder and left poor Bubba to starve.  We took him of course.  

A while after I found him I was running one night and I heard an outraged meow coming from a pile of trash.  I looked and found a tiny dilute calico.  She hollered at me, angrily, as she licked the grease off a chicken nugget sauce container.  "Look what I'm eating?  Where the hell is my dinner?!"  So I did the only thing I could, I cut the run short, went home, and brought a can of cat food to her.  

She devoured it and followed me home, walked right in.  "It's about time".  She met Bubba and they hit it off immediately.  She was very sweet to us and him, fit in very well.  She liked to go out now and then.  Then she went into heat.  When I took her to the vet she weighed 4 pounds.  They fixed her, I took her home.  

She was very bonded to me and would cry at the door every night when I went out for my run or if I went to the store (Ron told me, he would call and I'd hear piteous cries).  One day we came home and she had been hurt.  Something had clearly left a nasty, deep, scratch across her face.  Her eye was damaged.  

We took her to the vet, Ron in his wheelchair holding the carrier in his lap.  We had gotten the social security back payment check so, for us, money was no object.  We went in the exam room.  The vet took her out and examined her, gave a deep sigh and looked at me.  

"She's blind in this eye" he said, grimly.  "What do you want to do?"  

I didn't understand.  "What do you mean?"  

He sighed again "You know".  

I looked at him, baffled. "No, I don't?  Can you spell it out for me?"  

He took a deep breath "Most people would put her down" Ron and I began objecting.  

Sometimes I have a split second retort - it doesn't happen often but it did that day.  I pointed at Ron, blind in both eyes sitting in his wheelchair.  

"I married him the way he is now" I replied.  "What do you think I want to do?"  He sighed again, this time with relief, and came up with a treatment plan.  

It involved eye drops.  Baby Girl hated the eye drops.  She went from a loving, sweet, clingy baby to hissing at me when she saw me with the bottle in my hand.  I couldn't think of what else to do, she needed the eye drops but they clearly hurt.  

In the meantime I had neighbor problems.  Neighbors across the way were letting toddlers play in the street.  They couldn't even walk and had to use little push toys to stay upright.  I spoke to them again and again.  Several times, paratransit drivers almost hit the babies.  What did it for me one day I saw the babies in the street unsupervised for over an hour.  I called Child Protective Services.  

They did an investigation.  The caseworker sided with the parents and told them I had called in the "anonymous" complaint.  The mother came after me, almost beat me up on one occasion (I told her a police report would look really good to CPS, she stormed off), tried to run me over one day with her car, etc.  And one day I was out on my run about 2 in the afternoon and I found their little boy wandering about half a mile from home.  He was still in his diaper.  

*At this point I should have called the police but I thought we could handle this the mature way*

So I took him home right as his frantic father found him missing.  I told him I found him wandering and where, handed the little boy back.  Then I added  "He could have been hit" (if a toddler is hit by a car they die, btw, but I didn't say that) "That's why I called, you know."  The father was very grateful but the mother hated me even more.  

The day we moved "someone" poisoned Baby Girl and she died a horrible death.  I feel terrible about it but looking back I still can't see what I could have done differently.  The parents were neglectful, a baby was going to get snatched or killed.  

So instead, I lost my baby.  Frosty came along about a year later and was completely bonded to me.  He was the second cat I had I lost to FLUTD.  

The babies are now grown with kids of their own, I imagine.  

That's it for now!  

Proprioception

 An odd feature of my disability I know what's wrong and can discuss it.  

For instance, my sense of proprioception, my sense of where I am.  What does that mean?  Driving is a good example, I couldn't keep track of my location in relation to the other cars around me.  Walking around I occasionally run into things because I can't process their location in time to stop.  

When I was young I had a terrible time learning to walk as a result of this.  I was about 2 before I learned.  My aunt has said she doesn't remember my exact milestones, but she and my grandmother often commented I was reaching them far beyond my slightly older girl cousin.  She would do X at 6 months, I would be 9 or 10 months.  I was actually diagnosed as "borderline retarded" as an infant.  Let me tell you that sent my mother into a spiral.  Even as late as my teens, my "performance" was always a solid 80 or so (limited) in comparison to sky high verbal intelligence scores.  

God can and does make beauty for ashes, because of all this, I have an evangelism ministry.  That said the old proprioception/;;;;" got me last night and I smacked the outside of my hand, on my hand cart, as I brought a heavy case of Bibles in the house.  It's an incredibly minor injury, the cats do far worse to me regularly.  It did bleed a fair amount.  I was standing in front of the sink, dripping blood, laughing because it's the same finger I broke when I fell on the Bible Handout a few years ago.

Like I said, incredibly minor.  I was surprised how much it bled.  I also thought that is funny 2x at least I have been hurt sharing the gospel to the point of shedding blood.  I don't think a lot of Americans can say that.  

But I just have a different life and I have come to accept that.  A lot of cats, a lot of evangelism.  A thankless retail hustle.  A nice safe place to live but in the ghetto every time I leave my neighborhood.  

My allergies have been pretty bad so I tried some Flonase last night.  I slept pretty well but I had a Flonase headache this morning.  I'm glad I'm off.  

Biscuit got under the covers with me this morning which thrilled me.  Cats hate, hate, hate being under the covers.  I don't even try.  But, on his own, he wiggled under there next to me curled up on my side (that's just how I sleep), he snuggled into the curve of my body and stuck his head out from under the covers.  I would have loved a photo.  I wrapped an arm around him (not over, they hate that too, around) and just enjoyed him.  He left about 10 minutes later.  What a sweet boy!  

Spotty got up in my lap while I was doing the earlier part of the blog.  

I double checked the schedule and I'm still off for 4 days with a 4 hour shift on Monday!  

One of my friends who drives a bus late at night called me last night to verify I wasn't riding.  It was miserably cold last night and I thought that was tremendously sweet.  People love me, I am seeing that.  

Ron did a real number on me.  

Here's another one.  I'll even put up a link: 

The day that lives in infamy

So he got very drunk and beat the crap out of me, if you don't want to read the link.  I was black and blue for weeks.  Arms, legs, he hit me in the face but it didn't bruise.  

Side note, a coworker accidentally smacked me in the face with something, was hugely remorseful (this woman is made of sugar and not a spiteful bone in her).  I said, absently "Don't worry, I've been hit in the face plenty and it never leaves a mark" I heard a choked gasp and I looked up at her goggling at me, mouth open.  I simply said "My husband" and went back to work.  

So my face was OK but the rest of me was not.  I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while.  1.  Because, like I said in the post, I wanted to kill him.  2.  I didn't want him to kill me.  3.  I had to figure out where I was going.  

Long story short I went back.  I thought the blackout was a one time deal.  

 Side note, Ron actually told me, when we were dating "I have blackouts and I beat up my girlfriend during one of them, but she had it coming and I don't do that anymore.  You're not like that I would never hurt you and I don't drink anymore"  I didn't realize what that meant.  I read part of a report written on me that said, in part "Heather is extremely naive and trusting" and boy was I.  

Anyway I thought he had learned his lesson, he acted remorseful.  I also found out Ron would lose his federal security clearance if he was charged with domestic violence (a good idea, actually), so we would both be unemployed if I pressed charges.  I would lose my home, the cats, my whole life.  For what?  He made a big production out of pouring out the alcohol.  Swore he would never drink anything stronger than wine and only a box a month.  

Ron had a really bad habit with the drinking.  He would drink more than he had agreed and say "See, I'm fine I don't need these rules" and that happened pretty quickly.  

This isn't really about that, awful as it was.  This is about when I came back.  So I came back and Ron acted like the victim.  He would make big, dramatic, apologies in front of other people but in private basically tell me I had it coming because I tried to keep him from walking on broken glass in his bare feet.  He would do these long, pitiful speeches about how "I really messed up' to our regular drivers who would feel sorry for him.  He beat the crap out of me!  If I'd pressed charges he would have gone to prison!  

That, to me, was the sickest and most disgusting thing.  That he would beat the crap out of me and make himself out to be the victim.  Side note: everyone, and I mean everyone, kept asking me "What did you do to make him beat you up?"  

It doesn't work that way!  

Praise God I made it to a day off

 Tuesday a coworker wasn't looking well.  I asked, she said she was feeling run down.  I asked if she'd like a hug and she said yes, so I gave her one.  She called in sick today.  

Now conventional wisdom says "Heather that was really stupid now you're going to catch it" but I don't care.  She was hurting.  

God sent me here to minister to hurting souls, and if He moves on me to do something I'm going to do it.  I've already shared that one time I was suicidal back in 1992.  I took it to Jesus, and He moved on someone to come talk to me.  I want to be used that way.  

It's actually fairly terrifying to go to the Lord and say 'Use me however you want."  But I have and continue to do that. I have a lot of peace on that.  

And that's why it doesn't bother me they have thrown my schedule in the blender.  I'm still getting 32 hours.  And I'm reaching an amazing number of people.  

A week or so ago I bought a couple packages of Hot Hands.  Each package has 4 handwarmers encased in Mylar.  You open the pouch, there is a second pouch inside full of a substance that warms on contact with Oxygen.  I had one this morning, I gave it away.  I gave another one to a bus driver - who got me going home, as well, and made a point of thanking me for it.  There was a nice older man in a leather coat at the bus stop leaving the grocery store.  Poor man was freezing to death.  He got one.  This isn't difficult to do.  

Side note: in Houston you will see a variety of responses to very cold weather.  Many poor folk just wear a blanket around their shoulders like some sort of refugee.  The women tend to wear a cozy coat.  The men who aren't in abject poverty tend to have a leather jacket - no liner.  They wear that.  They're obviously freezing, but they're styling.  

I have never cared what I looked like in a coat as long as it was warm.  One of my favorite coats was a huge feather thing that looked like a sleeping bag with arms.  It was so, so, warm.  The feathers would migrate out, it ripped easily, but it was so warm.  

These days - and I plan to get myself a parka this year, probably in July when they'll be cheap - it will be a light color easily visible at the bus stop.  

I wore 2 pairs of long underwear - wind chill in the 20's - it was still fairly cold.  I had my parka but Lands End quality control really went to hell the year I bought it.  I have had multiple issues.  My aunt did a patch job but I need to think about another one eventually.  Something online I'm thinking.  I will just go up a size or two from actual because I like a bigger coat with a little room in it.  

Years ago I got several pairs of wool socks on clearance and I wore a pair of them as well.  And my trusty military surplus navy wool watch cap.  It looks like something a homeless man would reject but it's cozy.  I have an enormous wrap/scarf thing that is 8 feet long and a couple of feet wide.  With that, the hat, a parka, and my ratty "pop top" gloves I am pretty well set, especially if I have a handwarmer in one of the gloves.  It's not a stylish look.  

I'm going to bed.  Lots more on my days off.  

Lookout weekend

 I didn't get much sleep but I'm here.  

I made some boneless pork chops in the crock pot last night.  I decided it would be better to do it that way.  I was exhausted and didn't want to fry them.  I chopped up some plantains, onion, sweet potatoes, threw in some smoked paprika and cumin seeds, we'll see how it turned out.  Normally I cook things like that on low for several hours.  I set it for low when I went to bed.  I decided to turn it up to "high" for another hour before I put it in the fridge.  It is simmering right now.  

It's cold this morning wind chills likely in the 20's.  Even Scrappy is home.  

That's a happy boy right there.  

I have 4 days off in a row, today I work 4 hours, Monday I work 4 hours as well.  Sometimes working with my boss I wonder if I am really everything she implies, then I looked at another employee in my department, a good worker, and she was dreading clocking in yesterday when she saw the boss was there.  Not because she doesn't want supervision it's just the way she supervises.  I can use a little break from that.  I am also completely sleep deprived.  

I plan to do my hair and watch a lot of TV, do some laundry, a lot of cooking and some cleaning.  The weather will be nice by Monday.  

That's it for now!  

Tuesday night thoughts.

 The boss is staying late today that is not fun.  

While walking through the store I heard someone calling my name.  It was the marriage counselor Ron and I saw in 2005.  He didn't ask about Ron (maybe because he saw my bare left hand) and I didn't tell him.  I just gave him a hug and went back to work.  

While waiting for my dinner I thought about an incident from many years ago.  

When I was a teenager and young adult I really enjoyed going to the mall.  There was a large and thriving mall fairly close to my apartment in CA.  Ron would go with me.  

I used to like to go to a bath and body shop.  It had big jars of perfume oil I could apply and a lot of highly priced things I could not afford.  One time we went and I applied a new fragrance behind my right ear.  It was one of those fruity scents so popular in the 90's.  

I had an acute allergic reaction.  My ear swelled up and became incredibly itchy and painful.  Ron was mortified I had "Allowed" this to happen and kept asking me what people would think of him walking with me like that.  I was sick.  I was in pain.  I could have died.  He should have taken me to the ER.  Instead he had a tantrum and demanded we leave.

I'm just going to leave it there and go do something fun.  

I just have to shake my head

 There is a task I will call mopping the floor.  I am very good at mopping the floor.  Everyone else hates to mop the floor.  When the boss isn't looking they ask for my help, and if I can, I give it because they are good, kind, people.  

A couple weeks ago my boss said I was "mopping the floor wrong" and I "would be written up, there's going to be some accountability" if I did it any more.  So I stopped.  I was doing it correctly, though.  

Yesterday my other boss said I need to get "going on mopping the floor, OK?" in a very serious voice, as I was leaving.  Hello?  You told me to stop, with threats.  They don't know what the hell they're doing.  

So I will do that today.  [shaking my head]  This is why I won't buy Walmart stock.  

I like to look up recipes on my down time, on my phone.  I also like to look at cat rescue stories and photos of my gang while listening to Christian hard rock and metal on my earbuds.  The earbuds were a really good ($10) use of a gift card.  I also like to listen on the bus if the driver doesn't want to talk.  

I got some chocolate on clearance.  There's a coworker of mine who has been through a lot.  I think, like me, Valentine's is just a terrible time for her.  I saw her on the 15th.  I had gotten some Peanut M&M's in the big bag (on clearance) to share with coworkers.  I waved her over with a smile, offered her the bag, and said Happy Clearance Day!  She laughed at that, got a handful, and left.  So I had 2 bags of Peanut M&M's for coworkers and 3 bags of chocolate candy for drivers.  I managed to score a bag of Ghiradelli (sp?) even though I didn't get in to work until after 7 on the 15th.  I also got a couple of the wrapped, Reese's, Hearts although I have to handle it with gloves as it has peanuts.  

I need to buy some more candy to hand out but I got enough groceries.  Yesterday I got off at 4:30 but I got delayed leaving.  When I did leave I saw my bus passing the store.  So much for that.  I caught the next one, a lovely lady who was just delighted to see me and chatted all the way to my stop.  

I went to the import store on the way home.  The very serious older man was running the shop.  I'm a talker and I was talking to myself a little as I shopped.  "Ooh!  Henna!  The good one!"  That kind of thing.  I heard him chuckle a time or two and then he settled down with a paperback.  I got some incense, some fancy soap, the henna, spices, Haleem Wheat, Paneer cheese, etc.  I spent about $40.  I can do a lot with what I bought.  One thing I want to try is a Sambar lentil stew, I have what I need for that.  I also got some spice mix for Tikka Masala.  I just need to get some plain yogurt for that.  

I came home after that, called my parents.  My schedule has been all over the place, I don't know why, it doesn't really matter.  I am getting the hours I need.  

What I have not said is that "Coach" (over my bosses) gave me a 4 hour shift on Wednesday, 4 days off in a row, a 4 hour shift on Monday.  So I basically get a vacation starting tomorrow.  

That's why I really need to get all that work done today.  

I slept pretty well last night, and no headache (Sunday post, and Monday morning)

 The plantains in rice (in the crock pot) are a game changer.  They are great for taking my medication as well.  

I have some pork chops and a ton of vegetables in the crock pot that will cook all day while I'm working.  

My schedule is pretty rough this week, a lot of "daily doubles" as I call them, work a night, come in early the next day.  I'll make it.  I am paying for 2 rides home this week.  

I rode home with someone who has the ear of the boss.  I told her 2 things: 1.  I like working 11-8 that would be great (boss wants that too) and 2.  I don't care which days I have off but 2 together in the middle of the week would be great (everyone wants the weekend).  

Sunday work was pretty crazy as expected.  One thing I don't like about retail - the customer can be the rudest, most verbally abusive, and disrespectful customer and we are just supposed to take it with a smile.  The customer really thinks they can come in and treat us like crap just because we wear a uniform.  And management has the attitude we have to take it with a smile.  

Sometimes, I think, you need to set boundaries, especially with the younger generation.  Take Valentine's candy for instance.  We had some Saturday, none yesterday.  Someone comes up to me "Gimme candy" "Sorry we're out".  "I know you have some, give it to me!"  "We're out!"  "Go check in the back" "I'm sorry we are out"  "Well (cue verbal abuse)"

In a realistic situation we would be able to say "Hey, that's not alright, cut it out" and, if it continued, have them thrown out of the store.  But, at my store at least, it has to be the most egregious abuse before they will step in.  

I had an incident some time ago.  I found a customer opening packages and taking things out.  I said, very nicely, "Ma'am, please don't open the packages" She went off on me cursed me out, shouted at me, etc.  Then she went and found my boss, said "I was rude".  She came to me (thankfully not with the customer) and took the customer's side even though I explained she was opening packages (we are supposed to stop them).  So I got it twice.  

How likely am I to stop the next customer?  

The customer has learned they can be as abusive as they want, all they have to do is say "The associate was rude" and the associate gets in trouble.  "I want to cash this phony check for $10K" "Sorry we can't do that" "Management he was rude to me" (associate gets in trouble) "Sorry you still can't cash the check".  

Side note that same customer came back a week or two later, tried to check out with a $130 stroller.  She had gotten a barcode somewhere for a 50 cents part from hardware and had it stuck on the box.  I was assigned to "help her with a price check" as security caught it.  She kept pointing at "her" barcode.  I scanned it and saw it was not the item.  I took it off (boy was she mad about that) and scanned the correct one, which was $130.  I recognized her so I was very cheerful.  There were lots of witnesses.  So she couldn't say anything about me.  But she tried, later, to get the stroller for $70 I heard her talking to another associate.  She did not get it.  She is stupid because if you pull something like that I'm certain you go in a database with facial recognition.  

We have a system that does facial recognition on everyone who walks in the store and flags known troublemakers, alerts security.  

I'll put up the recipe later but I made roast pork with apples, plantains, lime, and some vegetables.  It turned out very well.   

I plan to cook up stir fry meat (diced boneless pork chops) tonight and freeze that, then I can thaw it, cook with stir fry vegetables.  I have to cook it by the 18th.  

I don't freeze raw meat, only cooked and ideally in a meal.  So the meat will be done at least then I can add whatever veggie sounds good.  I will also pan fry some pork chops with gravy and of course make an unseasoned one for Cleo.  

I also have 10 pounds of chicken.  I plan to make a chicken paprikash with half and then maybe a Tikka masala with the other half.  

That's it for now!  

A couple things including a Handout

 When I was sick a coworker looked me up online.  So I have to assume that, in addition to the pest, I may have her reading as well.  Gulp.  

I have also been very busy.  Working 9 hour shifts with a 90 minute commute each way is no joke!   But the boss said she had asked to make me full time which means I'll net more money.  

I have had some good experiences sharing my faith going home at night (off at 8 PM) so I plan to ride the bus at least 3 days a week, that will save a lot of money too.  I should net about $200 more a pay period.  I plan to take the Ramsay approach and maybe take $40 of that for fun money/lunch that kind of thing and plow the rest into bills.  

Speaking of work a few weeks ago the schedule came out, I was not supposed to work at all this week.  I told my boss who, to put it kindly, flipped out and got on the phone to the lady who made the schedule.  She was told "I want Heather working (this week)!" a pause "11-8!".  But I'm part time only 32 hours a week, which meant if they wanted me Monday - Thursday I couldn't work Friday (fiscal week stuff).  I saw that.  

I don't lie but I can refrain from telling.  I really wanted to do a Valentine's Handout.  They never fixed it, I checked several times, so I went and did that yesterday.  I dressed up the Bibles in cute little gift bags and meant to put some little Valentine's in them as well but I had a migraine.  Good thing I didn't work the buss was hell and it's maybe 20 minutes each way to the venue.  I did put the God Loves You tracts in the Bibles and got them in the gift bags so I feel good about that.  The presentation was a big hit so I'm glad I did it.  

I had gotten a new "garment of praise" t shirt (a brightly colored, very visible, solid t shirt).  I didn't try it on at the store.  I was wearing it over a navy thermal top (I wore matching navy thermals under the t shirt and jeans) and boy that neckline was a little low!  I need to check these details before the day of the Handout!  

The Handout went very well and people seemed very touched.  Please pray for them.  Someone in the chemical plant, I think, saw me working, couldn't leave, and sent his assistant to me to get Bibles.  She wanted one too so I I set them up with enough for the whole office.  I probably should have sent some Spanish, too.  

I battle pride issues - I've been very clear on that.  I have been asking God to help me work on that.  So yesterday I had a ghastly migraine.  It wasn't too bad while I was working but before, after, all night it was brutal.  I'm certainly not arrogant today.  

After the Handout I went to the grocery store with the hand cart.  I had the cart with me of course.  I have a laminated poster board sign.  Corporate was visiting the grocery store when I came shopping after a Handout one day and very nicely told me to put it in a box, please, no distribution.  I respect that, it's there house.  I wouldn't want JW's shoving stuff at me while I shopped.  So I rolled up the sign.  

I just did not feel well at all.  And there's a special kind of hell, grocery shopping with a migraine.  It wasn't that it was loud or bright.  I am used to that at Walmart.  It was fairly crowded but not too bad actually.  But looking at the food (especially the meat!), meal planning, making selections was just very unpleasant.  I did not have problems with the fruit and vegetables, the cheese, just the meat.  I ended up getting 2 kinds of pork chops (with bone, and without, the ones with a bone were a very good deal and can go in the crock pot)  and a 10 pound bag of chicken leg quarters.  The beef is too expensive.  I told myself I would buy myself a nice cut of red meat (maybe a roast or some stew meat) after my promotion.  

In the meantime my coworkers were blowing up my phone, horrified.  I told them I had been scheduled off and why.  I am sure that got back to my boss who seems to be dragging her feet on putting me at full time.  If I had said "They gave me the day off", which is true, it would have sounded like I asked.  I didn't ask.  I put it in God's hands.  He knew why I wanted it off and He gave it to me.  I will have a lot of hard questions today I am sure.  

I got home (a different driver), it was unpleasant.  I put up the food.  I texted my parents and went to bed.  I must have been sick I had the original gangsters (3 cats) with me all night.  

Today isn't too bad, 9-5.  I'll probably get home around 7.  

That's it for now!  

Thursday night

 Busy

My boss let slip she did ask for me to be promoted.  One of the other ladies wasn't happy about that, fault finding and tattling all week.  It gets old.  

When I work a 9 hour shift, ride the bus each way (90 minutes each way), etc. it adds up.  I don't have a lot of juice left.  

Also someone at work may have found the blog so I have to be careful how I approach things.  

That's it for now!  

Sunday

 I was delighted to hear my aunt and uncle were in town, and wanted to see me.  They picked me up this morning, we went to church.  After church we went out to eat - I had an appetite.  We went to my favorite taqueria and the manager asked if I wanted my "usual" a large beef quesadilla with bacon.  I wasn't up for that but I had a regular cheese quesadilla.  My aunt and uncle had what they normally do and were delighted as usual.  

We ran a few errands afterward.  They dropped me off at the house, saw Scrappy lounging out back (they all, were), hugs all around, and left.  

It was a good day.  One feature they bought me a large bag of "the" candy and a box of ziplocks for it.  So I am set for a while now.  

That's it for now!  

Steamed plantains and rice

 Well I made the rice with plantains.  I think the usual approach is steam the rice, fry the plantain.  Just the word "fry" makes me gag.  So I cut up the plantains and put them in with the rice and a little spices. 

I did 1 cup rice (basic white rice), 2.5 cups water, 1/2 t ground ginger, 1/2 t ground cinnamon, 1/8 t salt, 1 cut up ripe (going black) plantain.  

Photos: 

The rice is very sticky.  It seems bland, which is what I need.  I put a lime wedge in there, squeezed the juice out and then put the wedge in before I cooked it (I removed it when done).  It's something different to eat at any rate.  The plantain only cost me 50 cents at work, I already had the other ingredients.  

Saturday Afternoon

 I don't, as a rule, like helping people with disabilities at work.  Most of them are very difficult.  It is easy to see why no one wanted to go shopping with them.  

Very early on in our relationship Ron told me "All blind guys are perverts" which extends to some other guys with physical problems - one man who uses a wheelchair has groped me, and other women, on the crazy train bus route.  I guess he figures no one's going to slap him because he's in a wheelchair.  He's one of those guys I encounter occasionally who is constantly sizing me up.  I've learned to look out for that type.  

It's sad, I used to have a "Halo" effect, I thought they could do nothing wrong.  But I had one customer in a power wheelchair zipping all over the store making me chase her with a shopping cart.  She wasn't in a hurry, she just wanted to run me around.  My boss had told her I could only help her until 3 PM.  2:55 she is checking out and I take her stuff to the door.  She turns to me and says "I forgot the ranch dressing we have to go back."  I told her you do, my boss told me to leave at 3.  But this nice lady here will watch your cart for you.  She had already told me her ride didn't come for another hour.  

Then there is the couple I first encountered on paratransit.  They like to shop in the late afternoon on the weekend, and complain there is no one to help.  I told them for years, if you want help, if you want the store to yourself, go at 7-9 in the morning.  On a weekday.  It is great, plenty of employees around ready to help.  "I don't want to get up that early".  So I see them shopping by themselves in the late afternoon.  

Things like that.  Then there was the blind guy.  My boss told me to go help a customer "over there" "You will know who he is, Heather' with a grin.  And sure enough there's a blind guy about my age.  I walked up and asked if he needed help shopping.  He said yes.  Tried to tell me how to guide him.  I told him "I was a teacher's aide in a class for blind students for 2 years before I married my husband, who was also blind..." he cut me off and said he found the word "blind" offensive and I had better use the words "Low Vision" from now on.  I said.  "He was blind".  

The guy argues with me, "He had some vision, didn't he?"  "No he did not, not even light perception".  Then I helped him get what he wanted.  For instance he wanted Powerade bottles.  We didn't have one of the flavors he wanted.  I said we have a Powerade powder you can put in a bottle of water it's a lot easier to get home.  If you already have bottled water at home?  He said yes and take me to it.  I did, he got a couple flavors.  I even got him a candy bar from the checkout because he said he was hungry and wanted something quick.  

It left a bad taste in my mouth.  I guess I sort of figured I would meet a man with a disability but that hasn't happened.  That's fine.  I don't have to do any caregiving either.  

The cats are very low maintenance.  Spotty laid down with me for a nap.  Well he laid down until I fell asleep and then he left, but it's lovely weather for a human or a cat - they like the same weather we do - so he went out.  Good, have fun, be safe baby.  

I did my henna touch up on my roots.  I basically mush it in at the hairline and my part, the crown of my head, wrap it in plastic, the same henna routine just 1/10 of the hair covered.  I wrapped the affected area in plastic.  Happily I can wear my glasses.  I have about 3 hours to go.  

I am cleaning the house - it needed it- and my aunt is coming.  She's going to love my hair.  It is so long now I have to use 2 clips to put it up during my shower.  It's about 3/4 of the way down my back.  The henna really helps it grow in fast and strong.  Thank you, Indo-Pak import store!  

I still have enough to do a couple more months.  I like to do a root touchup about halfway through (2 weeks).  I need to clean up the kitchen and fix something for my dinner.  I did clean out the fridge thank God that was a lot.  

That's it for now!  

My aunt is in town!

 I will see her tomorrow.  

I think it's funny, a couple weeks ago I had a tiny space heater next to my chair, running, because it was so cold.  It must be 80 (F) out and I have a small fan running instead.  

I'm going to do a henna touch up on my roots pretty soon.  I need to look around the house and do some picking up too.  Clean the litter boxes.  

I've seen a lot of Scrappy today.  He let me pick him up but he didn't like it and buried his head in my arms, I won't do that again.  

Later on I'm going to experiment with some plantains.  I have a riper one (sweeter) I plan to cook with some rice, then add coconut milk before serving.  I have a more starchy one I plan to make some sort of veggie stew with some carrots, sweet potatoes, red potato, plantain.  Those should be nice and bland for my stomach.  

I have to be careful how I talk about people - God's working on that.  I had a Facebook friend who was a very big proponent of essential oils.  She liked one MLM brand a lot.  She swore patchouli oil was good for nausea.  I have a very cheap Walmart brand patchouli oil.  I add a drop or two to my henna treatment to help mask the (grassy) scent of the henna.  I dabbed a little on my belly and sure enough I do feel better.  I can't do that tomorrow because my aunt is very sensitive to fragrance and that would send her straight into a migraine.  I will do ginger root tomorrow.  

By the way, both plantain dishes will feature ginger root.  

Now I need to go clean out the fridge!  Prayers appreciated!  I couldn't eat ANY of the food I cooked last weekend and I didn't have room in the freezer.  

Early Saturday

 I slept OK but still queasy.  I am going to take my time.  I have several regular bananas, some plantains, pounds of rice, a rice cooker, broth, pretzels, etc.  I'll be OK.  

Spotty likes to sleep by my head which I love.  Generally I have found it's the old cat wants to do that.  He's only 6.  

Speaking of young cats, Scrappy has been in and out but mostly out, the weather has been lovely.  If nothing else I want him to have a safe bolt hole.  

I don't have much planned today.  I have a moderate headache.  Biscuit slept with me (he's more a leg man) and is now laying very close to my chair on the floor.  I'm thinking of going back to bed for a while.  

"You can look at the menu but you just can't eat"

This morning I was faced with a "Sell by Feb 7", ten pound, bag of chicken in my fridge.  

Even now the thought of chicken in any form, even chicken broth, is sickening.  I managed to fix it up nicely, I felt, put it on the crock pot timer, and went to work.  

By crock pot timer, I mean a $5 wall timer I bought in the hardware department years ago.  I set the crock pot on "low", set the timer to go on and off when I want (today I set it to cook for 9 hours), and make sure the food is cold when I put it out.  I had also frozen some chicken broth to put on it but I forgot.  I think it is still fine.  

I did chicken leg quarters, onion (not much), ginger (a lot), lemon (a lot), salt and pepper (modest amounts).  

It looks good but it makes me want to gag.  Mentally I want to taste it but physically I am nauseous just eating some dry pretzels sticks.  

I did manage to feed the cats some wet and dry food (separate bowls).  Spotty's an odd little duck he only wants dry food.  He has been sleeping by my head at night which I love.  

And I'm going to bed.  

Fair to partly crappy

 But I can work.  

My friend from the Caribbean said the plantains I bought would be good in a veggie stew (the starchy green one) and some rice with coconut milk (the sweet, black, one).  I'm going to try that this weekend.  

Next week it gets interesting.  I work weekends, etc but I would rather have time off during the week.  So that's fine.  

Trauma Survivors Day

 At the time of Ron's accident, we had two, level-one, Trauma centers.  They flew him downtown.  

He was released after several weeks, I took care of him after that.  He went back in the hospital a few times after that but he always came home.  

Anyway, after Ron's accident I heard the trauma center did a "Trauma Survivor's Day" to showcase the patient and the people who cared for them.  They invited, they said, all the trauma patients every year.  

Ron never got an invitation.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe they didn't see him as a positive outcome.  He was a lot better to me after the accident but that's not saying much.  

But I've been thinking about that lately, how many of us are trauma survivors.  I had a lot of issues with food, for instance.  I always had to have a lot of food in the house.  I always bring more than I'll eat for my lunch.  Some of that, I share, but a lot of it I bring home.  

I see people at work, who have obviously had food insecurity, take food from the lunch room not because they're hungry but because it's there.  Old donuts, things like that.  We get donuts from the bakery every Friday.  They're not very good.  But some employees will get a paper towel and stash 6-7 donuts in their bag in addition to the 1-2 they're eating.  It's obvious they've suffered want.  They don't want the food but they feel compelled to take it.  

I was surprised how fat I was in a lot of the baby pictures I got from my sister, particularly ones after my Dad remarried.  I leveled out at some point.  I was about 130 pounds and five-seven at seventeen when I met Ron.  

But we never really recover, I think.  We move on, we adapt, we adjust.  We make it look easy.  No one would ever guess.  But we carry the scars.  

 Well my gut is about 80%.  I'll be able to work tomorrow which is a good one as it's a long day.  I am a little revolted at the food commercials on TV.  I think I'm just going to make some rice or pasta for my lunch tomorrow.  

I'm still not hungry for today.  

The Original Gangsters were very cuddly today.  Scrappy has been in and out.  

I have a hard time taking a sick day

 I almost always have a terrible migraine when I call out.  I had a moderate headache when I got up at 7 but the Excedrin is doing a good job.  I keep running to the bathroom, I'm not over this yet.  Happily I did not have a vomiting food illness although it was pretty close a few times last night.  

I feel like I should be up, cleaning the house.  I have a hard time just resting.  Good news, I did just buy 4 quarts of chicken broth.  I have veggie soup in the fridge but I'm going to go on my old rule of not eating until I am actively hungry.  

I did have a a banana when I took the Excedrin as I wanted something coating my stomach.  I have plenty more bananas, oatmeal, pasta.  My stomach is fine but my gut is not.  

I think I'll get some probiotics when I get paid.  

My one (the "good cop") Team Lead tried to call during my nap but I had it on silent.  The lady who brought the food also called.  With her I'm going to either blame the people on the bus getting me sick with a norovirus or "bad leftovers" (they are fine).  

I am battling a moderate headache.  

Wednesday

 I was up all night with what I believe was food poisoning.  It was very unpleasant.  I called out.  I only worked 5 hours today anyway.  It's a shame because I would have only seen the spicy boss for a half hour anyway.  

She is up to her old tactics.  Supervisors can get printouts from people applying for positions.  Someone had quit about a week ago.  She did that and put application printout papers where the associates would find them "I can replace you, too!" But that is a major violation of employment law as the papers have confidential information, like full socials, on them.  They are not supposed to give us access to that kind of stuff and little Ms Nosy (not me) was browsing them yesterday.  

She also said I was "in trouble" for doing the thing they have been demanding I do, and not training me on at all despite repeated requests on my part.  That if I "kept it up there would be consequences".  

What?  The work getting done?  I believe the place I send it after it's done is complaining because now they have actual work to do.  "They have to review it" (I did it correctly!) "Before they will let me do more".  Fine, in the meantime it continues to pile up.  

If there's a real problem with how I'm doing it why not train me directly so I can do it "their way"?  This is why I won't buy Walmart stock.  They're not efficient.  Everyone is trying to save their job they're not focused on making the company money.  

Anyway I'm going to hydrate today.  I have been flushing all night there can't be much left now.  More later.  

"You've spent the best years of your life in prison"

 It makes me sad I had to cut myself off for so long.  

My orange glop turned out very well.  I had some for breakfast and I'm still not hungry at 4 PM.  It's not heavy though but it does have a lot of fiber.  

I think I put the recipe up already so I won't, again.  

Friday I think it was, I was wanting a veggie stew, some beans, potatoes, carrots, in a rich broth.  I am working on that now.  I didn't figure it out until after I started it but it will be great for those nights when I come home from work wondering what the hell to have for dinner.  

I have potatoes, carrots, barley, diced tomatoes in it.  The nice thing about cooking for myself alone I can add or remove things according to my taste.  I don't like cooked celery, for instance, so I don't have to use it.  I have bay leaf, thyme, oregano, and sage in it.  A little black pepper.  

This is another nice thing about living alone.  I have a nice, 4 ounce, jar of black pepper.  We have some great, regional, spice companies in addition to the imports and national brands.  This was Bolner's, they're headquartered out of San Antonio.  Spicy World actually imports spices and repackages them for retail sale in Houston - good stuff.  Bolner's is a good spice brand on single spices but I have found many of their blends have MSG.  Anyway, I got a nice jar of pepper from them.  

My cheaper spices have a screw cap.  Undo the cap and there's a flimsy shaker top.  The top is easy to remove and stick my measuring spoons in there.  The Bolner's has a very stubborn shaker lid.  The main lid unscrews easily but I have spilled the pepper twice now trying to get it off.  

So, when I got it off, I threw it away.  I don't shake pepper on my food.  I use measuring spoons to get it out and put it in what I cook.  Why keep the annoying lid and spill all my pepper?  So I threw it away.  No one's going to object.  

That's the kind of thing Ron would have been livid over.  

I'm watching NCIS reruns on ION.  After Ron died, the first thing I did was turn off the cable TV.  I have internet of course and it's Rico but very reliable.  I watch TV on my day off (one day) while I cook.  It's over the air tv with my antenna.  

Anyway two characters were talking.  A terrorist tells Ziva "You've spent the best years of your life in prison" and I thought, wow, that's entirely true.  But I still have a good 30 years left and I'm going to enjoy them.  Share the Gospel.  Be kind.  Love my cats.  

It's been very nice today and Scrappy has been out more than in, but when he comes in he meows very sweetly, finds me (I talk to him), gets some pets, checks out the food situation.  

My washer was making very unhappy noises and then got out of round on the spin cycle.  Horrible noises.  I've decided I'm going to do what I can to fix it.  I'm very sentimental when it comes to things, my fridge, the washer, my vending machines.  It's 8.5 years old but maybe I can fix it.  I'm going to look into it, at least.  

Ron called an appliance repair company to come work on the fridge.  They charged us $200 and didn't fix it.   So much for that.  He found a commercial refrigerator repair technician who thought it would be great fun to work on a household fridge for a change, especially when he found out it was made in 2001 (my food is still cold!).  It was having an icemaker issue.  He came out, had a look at it, and said "It's going to be cheaper to replace your built in microwave" (when he saw it was dead) "Than repair it.  Also they don't make parts for this fridge anymore.  Just use it as long as you can if ice doesn't matter to you."  It didn't, to me.  Ron and I had some bitter arguments he wanted to replace it.  I wouldn't allow it.  

I don't have his number.  And I have zero faith in the appliance repair guys in Houston, now.  So I'll call the Sears Repair #.  They are about $200 to come out I think.  But I want to at least try.  

Sentimental, I know.  If I really do go full time (boss says she wants it) I will be able to afford it.  I think I'll do that first, Scrappy is OK for now.  

Then I'm getting his little furry butt neutered, a chip, shots.  He's not full grown yet I'd say between 6-9 months.  Old enough.  

Of course he'll get fat once I do it but that's OK.  I love black cats and he is very, very, sweet.  

I have been talking to Spotty who is conflicted about this and we had a good nap together today.  

Orange Glop

 I decided to make red lentils today, with sweet potato, carrots, and pumpkin (all orange vegetables).  I'm going to season it with cinnamon and Kashmiri Chili powder and finish it with a little coconut milk.  I think it will be fantastic.  If it's a fail it isn't a lot of groceries.  

I also bought a 10 pound bag of chicken leg quarters, the old poverty special.  Basically every bill I had came due at payday.  Even with vegetables and work snacks my total only came to $15.  That will last me a while.  I really love lentils, they are filling without being heavy.  It's a wonderful meal at work, heats up quickly and sticks around without making me sleepy.  

I'm also going to make a veggie stew with pretty much all my favorite veggies (no meat).  Sometimes I just don't want meat.  I grew up in a household where Dad wanted very heavy, meat and potatoes, type dishes every night.  I am not afraid of fat in my cooking but not all the time.  I like lentils, whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables.  Stir fries, soups, etc.  

And the budget grocery store came through on that.  I even got some good work snacks, pretzels, little cups of flan, and lemon sandwich cookies.  

I'm going to take a nap, I got a late start.  

I forgot about the pork chops.  I got a package for $5.  It had 6 chops.  I took the first one out, threw a little lard in my skillet, cooked it and cut it up for Cleo.  Scrappy had some, too.  A lot of rescues got accustomed to eating people food in their street cat days.  

Pork chop photos: 

I made "pilaf" with 1 cup white rice, some leftover chicken broth, water, about a cup frozen mixed veggies, a teaspoon of salt.  Rice cooker.  

I basically just pan fried the chops in the skillet, in lard.  I had plenty of drippings left so I made gravy: 

I do love a good gravy.  I just used cornstarch I don't like flour gravy.  

I had 6 chops.  One to the cats, one for dinner, one in the fridge, and 3 meals prepped for work.  

For the glop: 

I used old lentils so it took about 3.5 hours to cook.  It probably could have been half an hour if I used fresh.  

.5 t Kashmiri Chili powder
1 t cinnamon (this was fresh if you use older I would go up 1/2 t)
2 T fresh ginger root, chopped (or could use 1 t dry) add this at the start
1/2 t powdered ginger root (add later)
1/4 t salt
I/2 can plain pumpkin puree (find on the baking aisle)
I measured - 6 ounces (or about one medium) chopped carrot. Make it as big or small as you like for boiled carrots. I made mine pretty small.
1/2 medium (or 6 ounces) chopped sweet potato (I left the skin on)
1 cup red lentils (the mistake I made tonight I used older ones, you want fresh ones for this). I have gas issues with beans if I don't soak them first so I did soak them. That removed some of the red coloration but again, these were old.

I soaked the lentils and poured that water off (really cuts the gas I even do this with split peas). I cut everything up and got out my spices and measuring spoons. I boiled 4 cups of water in a larger pot (4 quart). It expands a lot I wouldn't use anything smaller than a 3 quart saucepan if you follow this to the letter.

Once the water was going I added half the cinnamon, all the chopped ginger, and half a teaspoon of chili powder. I added the vegetables (can use more by the way but make sure they are orange), waited for the water to boil again.

Once it had I added the lentils. If you use fresh lentils this will be over in half an hour. I used lentils that "expired" 4 years ago. Fresh.

Cook until lentils are soft and falling apart, adding water as needed. Add the rest of the seasonings about halfway through.

They have an amazing kick to them.  

As you know I get a lot of migraines, many food related.  So I tried a little "glop" with some coconut tonight.  If I get a headache it probably won't be awful, and I'll know not to use the coconut milk.  It was amazing, though.  If I can do coconut milk I'll use half a can.  

When finished: