Midnight Friday

 For a very long time, I was in survival mode.  I had to just bury all my hurts and keep going.  Dance or die, to steal a song title.  

I have been abused a fair amount, that's why I was really shocked I took it so hard when I was attacked last year by the guy with the knife.  The only thing I can think he could have killed me easily.  And that made it more significant than all the times Ron (and those before) smacked me around.  

It's like the wound got lanced and all this hurt's come out.  Fast.  It's been a lot.  

I feel like I'm OK mentally.  The only real out of character thing I did was color my hair and even one of my bosses had been suggesting that.  

I try to have a pretty hard heart when it comes to news stories.  I found out, after Ron's accident, facts are easily twisted, the innocent blamed, and the guilty walk away.  But the stories of the Gaza hostages (the Jews taken hostage), what was done to them, etc. have really hurt my heart.  

I'm a woman who took in Scrappy because he was crying outside in the cold.  You can imagine how I feel about helpless, hurting, women and children subjected to cruelty.  That's all I'll say, the awful details are out there if you want them.  

It is interesting looking at my cats.  4 of them, now.  One abandoned and neglected, but the sweetest and most cuddly little boy you can imagine.  3 of them - tortured, basically.  Cleo, I don't think, is ever going to come out of that place of trauma, fear, and pain.  She just about had a breakdown today when I tried to give her flea medicine, a harmless nothing task that doesn't cause her any pain.  I would have had to restrain her for 15 seconds to apply the vial to the back of her neck, but that was too much and she's still hiding almost a day later.  It took her 5 years to get in my lap.  For most intents, she is feral.  I still love her and accept her where she is.  But I have concluded she's never going to get over what was done to her.  I know some of it; I don't want to know the rest but it must have been bad.  

Spotty is very sensitive below his shoulders and bites me if I try to pet his butt.  I wonder at times if that is due to an old injury.  The vet wasn't worried about it.  He is very leery of strangers but approaches me, gets in my lap, likes pets on his head and shoulders, sleeps with me at night.  But everyone else is scary.  

I actually witnessed Biscuit's abuse.  He, like Spotty, is very leery of strangers but loves to be pet everywhere by me.  I can play with his belly fat, rub him all over, kiss him, etc.  He is very cuddly with me, loves to get in my lap.  But, as a rule, hides whenever anyone comes over.  

I did my hair, that takes pretty much a whole day once a month and I decided to do that today.  I just finished rinsing it out.  My days off have been erratic and I would rather do it now and gain a couple weeks than have to do it on a "one day off" work period.  

I made some chicken tonight.  2 chicken leg quarters (about 2 pounds), a cut up plantain, half a sweet potato, a cup of (100% juice) pineapple orange juice, and a half teaspoon of Kashmiri Chili powder.  I'm going to add a little salt as well.  I think it will be a nice change of pace.  I want to try some other recipes as well.  

Time to check my schedule.  One of the managers called today (not mine, but a department I'm loaned to periodically) wanting my help and I told him "They scheduled me 4 days off in a row".  He cut loose with a R rated version of "What are they doing?!" and I said "You'll need to talk to Coach".  

I figure if my coworkers, Team Leads, and this other Team Lead pressure Coach I will get the elusive full time position and somewhat stable hours.  Those working the night, turning around, coming in early the next day, shifts are brutal.