This one's going to get ugly, I warned you

 The farther out I get from my marriage, the more I look back in horror at what I endured.  

Ron's favorite epithet was "Worthless bitch".  If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I could retire.  "Fat" was another one he used even when I wasn't.  He would say "You're fat on the inside"?  Huh?

I've covered this but he passionately hated it any time anyone paid attention to my appearance.  He wanted a frumpy, fat, cowering mouse in the corner.  

He controlled every penny.  I got a small allowance that was it.  He didn't want me to get a cell phone, when I did he put it on a credit card, said "he'd" pay.  He didn't and they cut the phone off.  I went to the provider and put it under my debit card.  He was pretty upset about that.  Demanded my passcode to the voicemail.  I had nothing to hide so I gave it to him.  He would monitor my voicemail.  

He told very personal information about me to his pervert buddy who had the hots for me.  Who then made repeated, unwanted, advances.  I found the man revolting - not his looks but his general attitude.  He bragged to me about being a sadist.  I don't know why he thought I'd find that interesting.  

When I meet people they always ask if I have kids.  That's a loaded question with a couple of layers.  No, I don't have kids.  The surface layer I tell them Ron found out his blindness was inherited and he didn't want to put that on a child, so he had an operation.  That we (not us, "I") were looking into adopting a disabled child from foster care.  

There are other layers I don't discuss.  Won't.  I may have had a couple miscarriages and that was for the best.  It was no place for a child.  I won't say more.  

I'm going to take a nap, do my hair when I get up.  I mixed the henna about 12:30.  I used a little more black tea than usual, half a cup of apple cider vinegar, and the juice of a whole lemon.  

When I see a coworker looking beat down I always tell them "You're going to make it!" and smile.  I get varying responses from a wan smile to "I hope so!".  

I'm going to make it.  God can make beauty out of what's left of my life.