Last night was a bad one, as depressive episodes go. Thank God I do have my medication, and that it works so well. Today, everything is soft, foggy, and peaceful.
Whether I'm up or down, I tend to have trouble falling asleep. I take enough pills; I don't need or want any more. So as I lay awake in bed, I tell myself stories, plan projects, or write in my head. Last night I was thinking about today's post.
When things are bad, I try to think of myself in the third person. I am a horrible, worthless person (so the bad thoughts go). I use up oxygen, I am a parasite, etc. Hey, that's why I call them Bad Thoughts. When they're bad, I try to think of myself in the third person.
"Heather's having a bad day. What nice things can I do for her?" A monster movie on Sci-fi while working on "Happy" (the original brainless knitting project - garter stitch afghan - in bright reds and orange)? That's a good start. Then a nice bath with the rose-scented bubbles I got at Walmart (the Lander "Rose Petals" - excellent bubble bath and $2.28 for 2 quarts). I did the laundry with the "nice" detergent and used not only fabric softener, but a dryer sheet too. I remind myself, again and again, what I'm feeling are symptoms. I have an illness, this is just a symptom. No different than a runny nose and pretty soon I'll be chatting up complete strangers and wanting to buy half the store. Things will get better, they always have and they always do. I just have to take care of myself; do kind things and believe I deserve them.
I finished it all off with changing into the new nightgown, spraying my pillows with some rosewater, and writing this post in my head. I'm not ashamed to admit I sleep with a stuffed animal (Puppy), who's always there for me no matter what.
Today, things are better. Bubba the cat even brought me a gift - a lovely dead mouse. Better than a live one. That's who I am - an optimist who always looks for the positive in any situation.
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