Ron's pissed at me but I don't care. We went out to dinner and got home a little after 6. Ron told me he had arranged with a cab driver to bring him vodka after 6:30.
He had to go to the bathroom, but still called the cab driver to hurry him up. Then he griped and moaned about how he had to "go" and how "A loving wife" would pay the cab when he got there, while Ron used the toilet.
I told him 1. You should have gone to the bathroom before you called the cab and 2. You know I won't buy you alcohol. He then said he was angry at my mother for, basically, "ruining" me as an enabler. Comments like that have totally enraged one family member, and I don't blame them for being pissed (remember my birth mother is dead).
No, I told him, it has nothing to do with her. I don't really even remember her drinking. It has everything to do with you. You are abusive, physically and verbally, when you drink. Why would I help you hurt me?
He got upset and said he wasn't abusive "every" time he drinks, and he couldn't control it. I told him I am evil off my medication, abusive even. I control it by making sure I always take my medication. Implication being, he can control "it" by not drinking.
He got very upset and hasn't spoken to me for a while. Fine.
I'm not sorry I said it. It was all the truth and I am sick of him blaming me for his alcoholism.
He also made some really disgusting and sick comments during dinner. I plan to discuss it with him tomorrow and let him know I want nothing to do with the subject anymore, even "wondering out loud". Ugh.
Thank God we never had children.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Thursday update
I slept OK last night, woke up with no headache. We went to Walmart. A lot of paratransit drama around the ride to, and from, the store.
I forgot to make my deposit and buy protein bars. I bought something from McD's for both of us. We finally went home, I put everything away and took a nap.
I woke up with 2 things, a headache, and Torbie. Torbie was hogging half my pillow, which was awesome. Headache, not so cool. I had to take some Excedrin, which of course woke me up well before the wakeup time.
I have to go to bed early tonight, but I think it will be difficult with the caffeine on board. We get up very early tomorrow and go to work, but we'll be done early, too.
I also got a Bible catalog in the mail, with a coupon. I will be using that coupon this weekend to buy a large shipment of Bibles. I depleted most of my Bibles in the last couple handouts.
That's it for now. Still have some headache and don't feel very chatty.
I forgot to make my deposit and buy protein bars. I bought something from McD's for both of us. We finally went home, I put everything away and took a nap.
I woke up with 2 things, a headache, and Torbie. Torbie was hogging half my pillow, which was awesome. Headache, not so cool. I had to take some Excedrin, which of course woke me up well before the wakeup time.
I have to go to bed early tonight, but I think it will be difficult with the caffeine on board. We get up very early tomorrow and go to work, but we'll be done early, too.
I also got a Bible catalog in the mail, with a coupon. I will be using that coupon this weekend to buy a large shipment of Bibles. I depleted most of my Bibles in the last couple handouts.
That's it for now. Still have some headache and don't feel very chatty.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Now, about the Handout
Just a quick update. After my last handout, I got a migraine, but it wasn't bad as they go.
Today I came prepared. I had several Spanish NT, a handful of Spanish scripture booklets, and a case of NKJV Bibles.
I had a Spanish cab driver, so he got the first one. I gave him a good tip, some candy, and a New Testament. I noticed he stayed for a while after I left, watching me I guess, for about 20 minutes.
It seemed like every other person interested on today's handout, wanted Spanish. I also saw a lot of Spanish folk I could have attracted if I hadn't run out of Bibles!
I am seriously considering doing an all-Spanish Handout at this location. It is very busy and a lot of Latinos driving through.
I saw the police again, this officer also wanted a Bible. Happy to distribute, and I told him I'd be praying (especially since he has a dangerous job, but I didn't tell him that). I had a lot of older black couples in cars, an older black lady riding with a friend, everyone wanted Bibles. The lady riding with her friend wanted one for her husband (the friend wanted one), and some for the grandkids, who "Need to get back into church".
For a change, I had a guy in the third lane (away from me) wanted a Bible for his work truck. While running over to him, I dropped my cellphone in the street, but it was fine. Then I had to wait for the light to change so I could get back to "my" median.
At one point I had a lady wanted Bibles, I gave her 2, as requested. The lady in the middle lane started agitating for a Bible (just one, she said), so I gave her one, too. I approached another car. They were grinning at me. Turns out they are believers (they showed me a Bible) and they were just happy to see what I was doing.
I had a couple of people give me cheerful waves or little salutes, but not want a Bible. One guy indicated with his hands "I like what you're doing but I don't need another Bible". Don't ask me how I understood, I just did.
I had some sour faces. I prayed for them of course. Many people were interested in their devices and didn't even know I was there. I could have stripped down and done the Handout naked, and they wouldn't have noticed! God is working on them.
One guy wanted a Bible. I gave him English, he asked if I had Spanish, right as the light changed. I told him to come back around for Spanish. He did. I set him up.
A grandmother with some kids in the car took the last of the Spanish (everything), booklets and New Testaments. She told me she would come back and give me money, but I told her "no dinero". She must have believed me, I didn't see her again!
I finished up in about an hour and a half. Then I took myself out to lunch!
Please pray for the recipients!
Then I called Ron, but went to voicemail. I figured he was either drinking or drunk, and probably asleep. I was going to have him hop in a cab, meet me, and go to lunch, but that was out. I saw a Dairy Queen within walking distance. Why not, I figured.
I bought some drinks at the drugstore (diet Dr Pepper this time, I suspect the Sprite Zero is a migraine trigger), and walked over. The clerk was deaf. I thought that was cool. She made sure I got the burger I wanted, with a shake. She brought me my food and I ate.
It was pretty good. Next time I will buy something salty to eat later (at the drugstore). I took half the shake with me (what was left) and walked to the bus stop. I passed Kebob Korner. I would have bought something for Ron, if he had answered his phone, but I didn't want to waste my time and money, bringing it,and then hear "I don't want this". I made it to the bus stop.
Two young black guys were talking about money. One said he had really impressed the hell out of some mutual friends by having a bankroll of 56, one dollar, bills. They kept talking about money. I wanted to tell them money didn't matter, would they like a Bible? But, one, I was out of Bibles, two, it's rude to eavesdrop, and three, it's rude to interrupt. Now if he had been confiding a terrible hard time I would have done it (if I had a Bible) but it didn't seem appropriate.
I was mad at myself, I had wanted to give each driver a bag of candy with a scripture booklet. But I had my Bible bag tied up and sealed in the empty case of Bibles, which was bungeed to my cart. It would have been impossible to get the candy out without disassembling the whole works. I apologized to God and said I would do better next time.
I got on the bus. One young man had a huge case with a welding helmet sitting on top of it. He was black; I thought it was awesome he had a lucrative career at such a young age. If more young people got into the trades the economy would flourish.
His crate made it hard for me to get my cart, it scraped against a lady's legs. She had lymphedema. The box rubbed up against her legs. I felt bad for that but she didn't object and was nice about it. Again, I wished I had a Bible, especially a kid Bible for the little boy she was attending on the bus.
When we got to my stop, I had to reach around the welder to press the button. I pretended to flirt with him and then said "Don't worry, I'm married". He grinned. I asked the driver to open the back door. Surely that would be an easier egress. Not really, the sign (rolled up) kept bumping into things. Oh, well. Maybe next time I will take a cab home. I could have afforded it.
I walked home through the subdivision, it was unremarkable except for a freakishly large mosquito trying to land on my arm. I brushed it off and scolded it, it didn't bother me again.
I got home, took my pills (I had already eaten my big meal), threw away the empty cardboard, and took a nap. Ron woke me up at 1. He had set his alarm for pill time, and then he had to call in the soda order. Torbie joined me. She kept pawing at my face every time I stopped petting her. I finally hid my face under the blanket and she settled down, curled up by my head. I love it when a cat sleeps by my head. I didn't sleep very well but I did nap a little, woke up with a progressing headache.
It's not a migraine but it's a headache. Maybe every Bible handout will = a headache. I am OK with that. The recipients were so happy, especially when I told them I'd be praying for them daily. I took some Excedrin.
I'm supposed to be helping Ron with some accounting, but the cats are hogging up the bed. Both the girls are sleeping on either side of his leg. Baby Girl is pressed up against those gruesome scabs on his lower leg, and Torbie is curled up on the other side of the leg. No room for me to sit on the bed and help him sort the receipts. So I'll have fun for a little while and then do it later.
I think I'll go drink my last diet Dr Pepper.
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
I hate to tell Ron I'm going my God Time
1. Ron acts like I am cheating on him, calling some other man.
2. He says it is a waste of time.
3. Personal attacks on me and my faith for a while.
4. Keeps interrupting me. I finally told him to "pretend I am asleep". It helped, a little, but not much.
5. Spent the whole time I was praying, drinking.
You get the idea. I finally told him "Ron, everything good you admire about me comes from my faith. Why are you attacking it?" Then he said he wasn't, but... and then he went off again.
UGH. No wonder I normally get up a couple hours before him to "do it". I shouldn't have to skulk around and lie by omission. He gets angry that I am putting something above him, but, frankly, God is more important.
God only knows what I would have done to him by now if I didn't have my faith. You'd think he would see that.
2. He says it is a waste of time.
3. Personal attacks on me and my faith for a while.
4. Keeps interrupting me. I finally told him to "pretend I am asleep". It helped, a little, but not much.
5. Spent the whole time I was praying, drinking.
You get the idea. I finally told him "Ron, everything good you admire about me comes from my faith. Why are you attacking it?" Then he said he wasn't, but... and then he went off again.
UGH. No wonder I normally get up a couple hours before him to "do it". I shouldn't have to skulk around and lie by omission. He gets angry that I am putting something above him, but, frankly, God is more important.
God only knows what I would have done to him by now if I didn't have my faith. You'd think he would see that.
Move and countermove
Sometimes I think life is a grand chess game of spiritual warfare, move and counter move. Othertimes, I don't. Today was one where I felt it "was".
I didn't sleep well. I couldn't sleep, and then I woke up, wide awake, at some Godforsaken hour. I finally went back to sleep and the alarm went off. Very groggy all day.
We went to Sam's Club. We needed to buy some supplies. Our ride there was fine but, while there, "the system went down". That resulted in us waiting over an hour for our ride to work, and having to change our ride home from work to a later time.
We got to work and I had to deal with a difficult customer. I also had a lot of work to do (not great sales, unfortunately, just 20 different things all going at once)..
We finally got out of there and came home. I was exhausted. I had planned, after I got home, to take a cab and go do a Bible Handout. I decided against that and took a nap.
I asked God to give me a sign what to do when I woke up; I woke up with a headache. So I am waiting on the Handout until tomorrow. I guess the Devil wins today.
Boy, I know this will inflame one commenter but this is how I see life. Spiritual warfare, move and counter move.
You notice none of this had to do with Ron. Well, only peripherally.
The cats are good, Torbie and Biscuit slept with me. I heard some construction noise on the house behind me but they stopped pretty early on. That house, we'll call it "Back #7" (because I have a #7 house out front), lost most of it's roof during Hurricane Ike. It seems to me most of the houses that got roof repairs back then had problems with bad workmanship and cheap materials. For instance, #2, also lost their roof, have had a series of ongoing roof repairs over the last 10 years. Thank God we bought a quality roof installed when we bought the house, so we haven't had any problems since. When the roof fails, we will absolutely go with the same company again. It has stood up to epic flood rains on several occasions, not to mention a couple of hurricanes and innumerable thunderstorms. A good roof is really important; I'm glad we have one. I can't tell you what I felt looking at all the destroyed roofs around me through the window, then going outside and looking around, finding our roof was perfect! It took me a while to get rid of all the roofing shingles in my yard, though.
I try to practice gratitude. Thank you, for a good roof, Lord.
Now I need to figure out dinner. Ron didn't want to go anywhere so I need to dig something out of the fridge. I think I'll give the Tylenol a little longer to work before I eat.
Of course I will want to be careful selecting what I eat so I don't get another headache tomorrow.
I didn't sleep well. I couldn't sleep, and then I woke up, wide awake, at some Godforsaken hour. I finally went back to sleep and the alarm went off. Very groggy all day.
We went to Sam's Club. We needed to buy some supplies. Our ride there was fine but, while there, "the system went down". That resulted in us waiting over an hour for our ride to work, and having to change our ride home from work to a later time.
We got to work and I had to deal with a difficult customer. I also had a lot of work to do (not great sales, unfortunately, just 20 different things all going at once)..
We finally got out of there and came home. I was exhausted. I had planned, after I got home, to take a cab and go do a Bible Handout. I decided against that and took a nap.
I asked God to give me a sign what to do when I woke up; I woke up with a headache. So I am waiting on the Handout until tomorrow. I guess the Devil wins today.
Boy, I know this will inflame one commenter but this is how I see life. Spiritual warfare, move and counter move.
You notice none of this had to do with Ron. Well, only peripherally.
The cats are good, Torbie and Biscuit slept with me. I heard some construction noise on the house behind me but they stopped pretty early on. That house, we'll call it "Back #7" (because I have a #7 house out front), lost most of it's roof during Hurricane Ike. It seems to me most of the houses that got roof repairs back then had problems with bad workmanship and cheap materials. For instance, #2, also lost their roof, have had a series of ongoing roof repairs over the last 10 years. Thank God we bought a quality roof installed when we bought the house, so we haven't had any problems since. When the roof fails, we will absolutely go with the same company again. It has stood up to epic flood rains on several occasions, not to mention a couple of hurricanes and innumerable thunderstorms. A good roof is really important; I'm glad we have one. I can't tell you what I felt looking at all the destroyed roofs around me through the window, then going outside and looking around, finding our roof was perfect! It took me a while to get rid of all the roofing shingles in my yard, though.
I try to practice gratitude. Thank you, for a good roof, Lord.
Now I need to figure out dinner. Ron didn't want to go anywhere so I need to dig something out of the fridge. I think I'll give the Tylenol a little longer to work before I eat.
Of course I will want to be careful selecting what I eat so I don't get another headache tomorrow.
Monday, March 5, 2018
About my day, and the comments
Yesterday was pretty boring, a quiet day at home.
I got up this morning at 4 AM. I didn't do my God Time (then) but I did get my shower. I used the "good" shampoo. When I have a pending Bible Handout I care more about my appearance. I want to be fresh, scrubbed, and wholesome, not a drug addicted beggar trying to live off other people's wages. I even use an "extra" whitening toothpaste, the good shampoo (so I have silky waves coming out of my ponytail - at least that's the idea). Appearance, on a handout, is crucial.
I don't care as much the rest of the time. My hair's frizzy, so what? But not around a Handout.
We went to work. Things were slow. We had another coin jam in the bottled vendor. I am starting to wonder if we're experiencing direct sabotage. But maybe I'm just paranoid. It just seems odd, two coin jams in one week, when normally we only get one every couple of years.
I was delighted to see Mike, the other vendor's employee, at work. He had been out sick for months after an accident: he fell over his cat, down a flight of stairs. He broke both wrists on landing and had to have surgery and rehab. But he's back now. I gave him a hug.
It was really good to see him. I missed him.
Work was pretty slow but I did what I could. Half the coils in my snack machine didn't even need stocking.
I helped Ron do the bottled vendor, we almost ran out of time but we got it all done.
We came home. I ate a handful of pretzels and dosed two of the cats with their flea medicine. Biscuit and Baby Girl are very good about being dosed. Torbie, not so much. She always carries on like I'm raping her, and then she gives me the silent treatment for a while afterward. I got Torbie later.
I took a nap. Torbie joined me, little knowing what I had planned for later. I woke up with a nasty headache. It was either the pretzels or the flea medicine. Sometimes I get a headache after applying it to the cats, even when I wash my hands.
I took some Excedrin and we went to Denny's. I had a mostly-low carb meal (I did eat half an order of pancakes). The "Hearty Breakfast sausage" was large and very good. It would be a good keto meal with the ham, sausage, more ham, and bacon or something. It's a trick balancing the protein and the fat.
At any rate I had a good meal. Ron just had soup and salad. He only ever eats vegetables at Denny's. He said he is thinking about taking the vitamins I got him. That would be great, if he does it.
The paratransit system went down, all the rides went to hell, so Ron called a cab home. We had a nice ride. The driver actually put up the wheelchair. Sometimes they just stand there and watch me do it.
We got home, Ron wanted to listen to some music. Then I had him clean out "his" sink, which was full of empty vodka bottles and 20 ounce diet soda bottles. He did that, I gave him the garbage bag.
Then I did my God Time.
We will be working tomorrow and then hopefully I will do a Bible Handout. It's supposed to rain tonight but nothing so far. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow.
I also need to vote in the primaries, but I need to see who are the good guys. I may just wait on voting in the primary, after all I am a registered Independent. Of course I am a conservative, I am a Christian. I am pro-life, pro second amendment (just because guns are not for me doesn't mean other people can't have them, and 99.9% are responsible gun owners), etc. You get the idea.
I caught Torbie in a relaxed moment and quickly gave her the flea treatment. She wasn't happy with me and ran away, then she wouldn't let me pet her until I gave her some treats. But she's dosed now and good for a month.
Ron gives a processed, catnip treat. I give freeze dried salmon treats. Biscuit won't touch them but the girls like "my" treats. I am working on specifically building my relationship with Baby Girl. She is "Ron's" cat. I am sure she is affected by his drinking, but she's a good girl, good behavior, uses her box even when it's bad. I am better about doing the litter box now.
So I like to give Baby Girl some petting and a treat now and then, just to let her know I love her, too. She hasn't gotten any more knots in her fur since I trimmed out the last ones. I am really happy about that. He fur is soft and pretty, she's a good girl. Just not super cuddly - BUT she always meets us at the door when we come home. Torbie very seldom does that.
Torbie will forgive me completely tomorrow. I noticed Baby Girl itching today so I got the drops. I had meant to give them on the first of the month. I find it easier to do all the monthly stuff on the first, but it doesn't always work out. But I made a note on my computer to dose them April 5.
It's been really nice, warm, weather, highs in the 70's, lows in the 50's. Not too hot or cold. Perfect weather really. It won't last.
It's also good weather for people to leave their car windows open, which makes a Bible Handout easier. I can talk to the recipients and answer questions, or just simply offer a Bible to them. Many of them don't ask, but they'll take it if I extend it. I like to get my work in while I can.
I was a little worried, because I was around some sick people at work, but so far I have remained healthy. One woman at work, working around us, has a horrible, deep, wet, cough. I am really worried about catching whatever that is. [shudder] But maybe she's a smoker. She isn't normally sickly, either.
About comments: I try to present the whole gamut of comments unless they are truly abusive or inappropriate "You're an idiot for staying with Ron" is an opinion, and a valid one. "You're a (*&! [censored] [edit] &^%$ing bitch" being another, and I have gotten a few like that that I didn't post. One used some harsh language regarding my mother in law. While she didn't treat or son or I properly, I have to show her respect, even if she doesn't "seem" to deserve it. Some people think my faith in God is probably a symptom of my mental illness; and to others, it's the only logical path. I try to present both sides.
It would be easy to just present the "Heather, you're so brave!" comments but I think it would be unbalanced. So, if you see something you don't like in the comments just remember I am trying to be balanced.
I worry about ego. I worry about ego with the Bible Handouts: that is a big concern of mine, and one reason I have never tracked the total amount of Bibles distributed. If I knew the total I imagine I would become insufferable. I know it is over a thousand and that's good enough for me. The big thing I need to work on doing is to pray for past, present, future recipients. That's the important work. Going out on the corner is nothing. Prayer is everything.
Same with the comments, it's great when someone says something nice, but I need to be objective. I'm a codependent for a lot of reasons. Some of them I can't disclose (I will when I am able). But I am. Ron's an alcoholic. Oftentimes, he doesn't treat me right. And that's a bad thing for him to do. So I try to post the gamut of comments.
You all have generally been more fair than those I have encountered in real life. I will never forget one church member attacking me because I posted honestly about Ron's blackout. He was very upset I "undressed" him. My thought has always been: if Ron doesn't want me to post about it he had better not do it. He's in control of that, not me. If he acts like a turd it will be posted and he knows that. I think it helps keep him in line.
If it's "our little secret" things get toxic real quick and I probably end up trying to kill myself. I need an outlet. You understand that: sometimes the "real life" people don't. Which is often why I don't discuss the blog in person with people. I bare my soul, that's a pretty big deal, I am sick of being judged, and I protect myself when necessary.
This has been long, but, I feel, important. That's it for now. Have a good one.
I am praying for you all (even the atheists!).
I got up this morning at 4 AM. I didn't do my God Time (then) but I did get my shower. I used the "good" shampoo. When I have a pending Bible Handout I care more about my appearance. I want to be fresh, scrubbed, and wholesome, not a drug addicted beggar trying to live off other people's wages. I even use an "extra" whitening toothpaste, the good shampoo (so I have silky waves coming out of my ponytail - at least that's the idea). Appearance, on a handout, is crucial.
I don't care as much the rest of the time. My hair's frizzy, so what? But not around a Handout.
We went to work. Things were slow. We had another coin jam in the bottled vendor. I am starting to wonder if we're experiencing direct sabotage. But maybe I'm just paranoid. It just seems odd, two coin jams in one week, when normally we only get one every couple of years.
I was delighted to see Mike, the other vendor's employee, at work. He had been out sick for months after an accident: he fell over his cat, down a flight of stairs. He broke both wrists on landing and had to have surgery and rehab. But he's back now. I gave him a hug.
It was really good to see him. I missed him.
Work was pretty slow but I did what I could. Half the coils in my snack machine didn't even need stocking.
I helped Ron do the bottled vendor, we almost ran out of time but we got it all done.
We came home. I ate a handful of pretzels and dosed two of the cats with their flea medicine. Biscuit and Baby Girl are very good about being dosed. Torbie, not so much. She always carries on like I'm raping her, and then she gives me the silent treatment for a while afterward. I got Torbie later.
I took a nap. Torbie joined me, little knowing what I had planned for later. I woke up with a nasty headache. It was either the pretzels or the flea medicine. Sometimes I get a headache after applying it to the cats, even when I wash my hands.
I took some Excedrin and we went to Denny's. I had a mostly-low carb meal (I did eat half an order of pancakes). The "Hearty Breakfast sausage" was large and very good. It would be a good keto meal with the ham, sausage, more ham, and bacon or something. It's a trick balancing the protein and the fat.
At any rate I had a good meal. Ron just had soup and salad. He only ever eats vegetables at Denny's. He said he is thinking about taking the vitamins I got him. That would be great, if he does it.
The paratransit system went down, all the rides went to hell, so Ron called a cab home. We had a nice ride. The driver actually put up the wheelchair. Sometimes they just stand there and watch me do it.
We got home, Ron wanted to listen to some music. Then I had him clean out "his" sink, which was full of empty vodka bottles and 20 ounce diet soda bottles. He did that, I gave him the garbage bag.
Then I did my God Time.
We will be working tomorrow and then hopefully I will do a Bible Handout. It's supposed to rain tonight but nothing so far. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow.
I also need to vote in the primaries, but I need to see who are the good guys. I may just wait on voting in the primary, after all I am a registered Independent. Of course I am a conservative, I am a Christian. I am pro-life, pro second amendment (just because guns are not for me doesn't mean other people can't have them, and 99.9% are responsible gun owners), etc. You get the idea.
I caught Torbie in a relaxed moment and quickly gave her the flea treatment. She wasn't happy with me and ran away, then she wouldn't let me pet her until I gave her some treats. But she's dosed now and good for a month.
Ron gives a processed, catnip treat. I give freeze dried salmon treats. Biscuit won't touch them but the girls like "my" treats. I am working on specifically building my relationship with Baby Girl. She is "Ron's" cat. I am sure she is affected by his drinking, but she's a good girl, good behavior, uses her box even when it's bad. I am better about doing the litter box now.
So I like to give Baby Girl some petting and a treat now and then, just to let her know I love her, too. She hasn't gotten any more knots in her fur since I trimmed out the last ones. I am really happy about that. He fur is soft and pretty, she's a good girl. Just not super cuddly - BUT she always meets us at the door when we come home. Torbie very seldom does that.
Torbie will forgive me completely tomorrow. I noticed Baby Girl itching today so I got the drops. I had meant to give them on the first of the month. I find it easier to do all the monthly stuff on the first, but it doesn't always work out. But I made a note on my computer to dose them April 5.
It's been really nice, warm, weather, highs in the 70's, lows in the 50's. Not too hot or cold. Perfect weather really. It won't last.
It's also good weather for people to leave their car windows open, which makes a Bible Handout easier. I can talk to the recipients and answer questions, or just simply offer a Bible to them. Many of them don't ask, but they'll take it if I extend it. I like to get my work in while I can.
I was a little worried, because I was around some sick people at work, but so far I have remained healthy. One woman at work, working around us, has a horrible, deep, wet, cough. I am really worried about catching whatever that is. [shudder] But maybe she's a smoker. She isn't normally sickly, either.
About comments: I try to present the whole gamut of comments unless they are truly abusive or inappropriate "You're an idiot for staying with Ron" is an opinion, and a valid one. "You're a (*&! [censored] [edit] &^%$ing bitch" being another, and I have gotten a few like that that I didn't post. One used some harsh language regarding my mother in law. While she didn't treat or son or I properly, I have to show her respect, even if she doesn't "seem" to deserve it. Some people think my faith in God is probably a symptom of my mental illness; and to others, it's the only logical path. I try to present both sides.
It would be easy to just present the "Heather, you're so brave!" comments but I think it would be unbalanced. So, if you see something you don't like in the comments just remember I am trying to be balanced.
I worry about ego. I worry about ego with the Bible Handouts: that is a big concern of mine, and one reason I have never tracked the total amount of Bibles distributed. If I knew the total I imagine I would become insufferable. I know it is over a thousand and that's good enough for me. The big thing I need to work on doing is to pray for past, present, future recipients. That's the important work. Going out on the corner is nothing. Prayer is everything.
Same with the comments, it's great when someone says something nice, but I need to be objective. I'm a codependent for a lot of reasons. Some of them I can't disclose (I will when I am able). But I am. Ron's an alcoholic. Oftentimes, he doesn't treat me right. And that's a bad thing for him to do. So I try to post the gamut of comments.
You all have generally been more fair than those I have encountered in real life. I will never forget one church member attacking me because I posted honestly about Ron's blackout. He was very upset I "undressed" him. My thought has always been: if Ron doesn't want me to post about it he had better not do it. He's in control of that, not me. If he acts like a turd it will be posted and he knows that. I think it helps keep him in line.
If it's "our little secret" things get toxic real quick and I probably end up trying to kill myself. I need an outlet. You understand that: sometimes the "real life" people don't. Which is often why I don't discuss the blog in person with people. I bare my soul, that's a pretty big deal, I am sick of being judged, and I protect myself when necessary.
This has been long, but, I feel, important. That's it for now. Have a good one.
I am praying for you all (even the atheists!).
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