Sunday

Ron scared me, the other day at work (yesterday).  He had trouble finding words, and couldn't remember "forklift" to save his life.  He kept asking me the word.  Jack finally told him "Think about lifting your fork up to your mouth" and that stuck.  

But I kept thinking, oh, crap, here it comes.  Drinking plus a head injury was never a good idea; this could manifest in some unpleasant ways.  Nothing I can do about it, really.  I don't help him buy alcohol, he knows I don't want him drinking, etc.  

I slept OK last night, and woke up around 7.  My stepmother used to call me "early bird".  I guess I am, in ideal situations.  

Biscuit had thrown up in Ron's bed.  I just put the fitted sheet in to soak.  I probably shouldn't have bothered, though.  As I was putting it in I noticed a small rip, so I could have just thrown it out.  Ron is happy sleeping on cheap Walmart sheets so it wouldn't have mattered, but he wouldn't have a backup either.  

Biscuit also threw up by the food bowl, and on the floor, twice.  If he wasn't so fat I'd worry about him, but he eats too much, gags, and vomits.  Poor little guy (well, big guy, he is about 17 pounds).  At least he didn't throw up in my bed, thank God.  

I took my shower.  Still haven't shaved my legs yet, they are pretty impressive.  I have more leg hair than most men I know, including Ron.  I did up the candy for our trips, I was almost out of a couple of things so I was glad I'd gotten more.  I ran out of Scripture booklets, so I am using "7 Things that Don't get you into Heaven".  It is a one page tract that fits easily in the bag of candy.  

I did up a couple in Spanish, for the employees at the Kolache factory.  While I despise illegal immigration and what it's doing to our country, they are here and I might as well present a witness.  So I did that.  

Our ride arrived, we went to the Kolache factory.  Well, we went to Subway first, and Ron got a couple of meatball subs, on special.  He likes them to put onions on it before they toast it.  We did that.  Then we went to the Kolache factory.  I got a bacon and cheese, and a couple of cream cheese.  They were good.  

Kolaches hold up to my medication, even a whole day's worth like I took today.  I figured, why do 2 big meals when I can do one, and took it all at once.  This is OK per doc.  He said "I don't care if you take it in the morning, the evening, or 3 times a day, as long as you are taking everything, every day."  So I did that.  

I also learned something interesting, yesterday.  I have mentioned how I don't take the antidepressant if I have a bad headache, worried it will flip into a migraine and make me vomit everything up anyway.  However, the other day I woke up with a bad headache.  I took Excedrin with my soda and waited for it to kick in, then I tried taking my antidepressant. It worked.  Everything stayed down, and the headache stayed dead.  So I can do that now, I just have to watch the caffeine in the headache pills.  

So I can stay on top of that, better.  Good thing I have plenty of headache pills.  

We had a good time, even though Ron got into the vodka before we left.  I wish I could tell him - have him receive, how it hurts me that he "has" to have a drink before going out with me.  It makes me feel like he's coating my broccoli in vodka sauce to make my company more palatable.  

We did have fun, though.  It was quiet, but busy, at the store.  The little kids all behaved, pretty much, except for one toddler who didn't want the Kolache her mother got for her.  No, she wanted the one with chocolate on top.  They bought it for her.  Then she had a whining fit because they wouldn't give her a cell phone.  They caved, gave it to her, and she poked away at it while she ate the chocolate thing.  I think the mother had an eating disorder.  She cut one Kolache in half and gave half (tried to) to her daughter, and only ate the other half, nothing else, no drink, not even water.  The father had a couple of kolaches and a big bottle of milk.  

At any rate, we had a good time.  We left, it was appreciably colder (feels like temperature, 30 degrees) but our ride came quickly.  He was a nice guy, I liked him.  We were straight and came home.  

When we got home, I took a nap.  I had some nice dreams about the cats, including one right before I woke up where I was kissing Biscuit.  Nice.  I woke up with a headache.  

I really want to get in control of my caffeine consumption, so I took 3 aspirin instead of the Excedrin, and some cold Diet Dr Pepper (I had half a bottle left over from lunch).  That worked.  It seemed more like my standard medication headache.  

I put the sheet in the wash, although I probably could have thrown it away.  If I remember correctly, this is the sheet Ron bled all over when he fell and his his head in the kitchen, about a year and half ago.  He managed to crawl back to bed, leaving a blood trail, and went to sleep in his bed, on his sheet.  Blood everywhere, all over the floor, the wall, the hall, the bedsheet, and the mattress.  I managed to get most of the blood out of the sheet but, like my aunt said, who cares?  No one is going to see it except me and why waste a sheet because it has a stain?  So I kept it.  

Yeah, I should have thrown it away.  Oh, well.  

I did remake the bed with a fresh sheet, which also had a blood stain on it.  I think from the same incident, as he was getting better.  Something happens in my house the DNA people are going to go nuts finding all these old blood stains on the floor (I mopped them up, but some traces remain microscopically, I believe).  But I've documented all this so I should be covered.  

That's it for now.  I'm craving something salty.  I bought some beef jerky the last time I went to the store so I'd have something healthier to eat.  I need a fair amount of salt to stay healthy so I figured this would be better than my usual chips.  

Here's to hoping I have a couple of "boring" hours before I go to bed.  Tomorrow we raise prices at work.  It should be interesting.  

"I was hanging off the seat"

We went to Denny's last night.  It wasn't a very good trip.  The service was very slow, and the waitress seemed confused.  I wasn't happy. 

I just ordered a build your own slam, and Ron had garlic bread, but it took forever to get the food.  No butter on my english muffin.  No butter WITH my english muffin.  The ham was OK, and the pancakes, once I had them bring butter for them.  They only had 3 tables occupied in the whole place. 

My waitress was so busy speaking Spanish to the small family nearby, she totally ignored us.  I felt that was very rude. 

Normally we leave a "good" tip.  This time, we left 20%. 

We came home.  I took my magnesium citrate powder, in water, and went to bed at 8.  Just as I was falling asleep, #6 came home.  They go out, sometimes, on Friday night.  I noticed they were gone.  It was well after 9 PM.  The kids were screaming and yelling, then they went out in the back yard to play soccer for a couple of minutes.  Then they went in the house for about half an hour, and came back out to play soccer.  They did this repeatedly, until well after 10 PM.  I was Not Happy, but I figured I would get my "revenge" today when our ride arrived at 6 AM. 

Normally I feel very bad if the driver makes some noise, honks, plays the radio loudly, or backs into our driveway.  The cabs have the "backup beep" you hear on commercial vehicles.  I can't make them be totally quiet, and sometimes I feel bad about this. 

However, with the very rude treatment I got last night, I didn't feel at all bad when he honked twice, when he arrived.  He was early.  Ron was doing his "no one can make me come out until the pickup time" routine and driving me nuts.  We came out.  Now, we have a wheelchair ramp going from the kitchen door to the body of the garage.  It is a folding ramp, metal, and somewhat noisy when we are coming down it.  No way to stop that, either.  I didn't feel bad about any of it, not even when the driver got out of the vehicle and loudly greeted us. 

Some of us get up early.  Sorry to wake you up, hopefully you will remember, Ron and Heather get up at 4 AM on Saturday now.  

Like I said in a comment on my other post, I don't mind kids playing during normal hours.  I do mind them making noise when "normal" people are trying to sleep, like 10 PM at night. 

We went to Sam's Club, eventually.  We had to pick someone else up.  We actually drove past the wholesale club to go get her, then we came back.  That's paratransit for you.  They are paid by how many people are riding, per mile, so it's in their best interest to ride people around in large groups for as long as possible. 

We finally got to the store.  It was raining.  They had a dry cart for me, which I appreciated.  They were out of the water we sell, which I did not appreciate.  We still have 4 cases at work, though.  I bought everything we needed and got some more Driver Candy. 

I am pretty praise-driven when it comes to the candy.  If someone digs around and takes out a caramel, exclaiming "I love these!" I will be a lot more likely to restock when I run out.  So far, I've had good feedback on the Now and Laters, caramels, Brachs assorted, and fruit chews.  I bought more fruit chews today.  They come in a case of 100 bags for about $8.  I also got some more chocolate, which everyone loves except me (because it gives me migraines!). 

Jack came.  It was relatively dry by now.  We got the truck loaded (well, he did).  We went to work and unloaded, again, still dry, thank God.  It really sucks to unload the truck in the freezing cold, pouring, rain.  But not today! 

I didn't do much stocking, I will get it on Monday.  Monday will probably be a little long. 

It was pretty uneventful, me helping Ron stock.  We did have a problem with a soda machine.  I had to figure out how to disassemble the validator and take out a bad bill, which I gave to Ron.  Once I got the bad bill out, it worked fine.  Ron tried to "get" it and almost broke it.  I had to walk away before I shouted at him. 

We finally finished up and left.  We had a very short wait, maybe 2 minutes, on our ride.  Again, not a straight trip.  We rode with the blind couple who live in the bad apartment complex near work.  They were both stuffed in the back with Ron.  They are not thin, so, as Ron said later, "I was hanging off the seat".  We got them dropped (at a restaurant) and went home. 

I was pretty tired, not getting my sleep last night, so I took a nap after eating some peanut butter pretzels.  They give me a headache, not a migraine, but they are so good. 

They are the pretzel "cushion" with the peanut butter filling.  A funny story about them.  When I was at the store, looking at them, I picked them up and put them in my cart.  A man behind me said "There they are!" and grabbed a canister for himself.  "I'm having a hard day" he said.  I looked in his cart (I am nosy) and saw a package of adult women's diapers.  I can imagine what kind of days he has!  I'm a caregiver too!  I didn't say anything, but just smiled as I left. 

I took my nap, had a pretty good one, but I did wake up with a headache from the pretzels.  I took some Excedrin.  I hope I don't regret that, I don't want the caffeine to mess with me. 

I need to get rid of those pretzels, but they're so good!   I may give them to Ron. 

I need to get some dinner.  I am thinking a hamburger patty and some soup.  I don't have to just eat soup when I'm sick.  I also need to call my Dad. 

Dad sent me a video of the radiation treatment he is getting.  It seems top of the line.  He starts that in a week or so. 

That's it for now.  We have a small outing planned for tomorrow but nothing major.  Hopefully that works out. 

I may buy some new cat food while I'm out, too.  They eat a lot of dry. 

Biscuit was so good when I had the migraine, he was happy eating just dry food instead of the can of wet every morning.  I was so miserable I couldn't bear the thought of opening one of those smelly cans, but he was fine, as long as he had something to eat. 

Have a good one! 

At least I don't have a headache

I went to bed early last night, and was just starting to dream, when #6 came home last night.  They made a tremendous amount of racket. 

"So much" I thought to myself "For them being quiet on Friday nights".  The older kids went into the backyard and played soccer for a while, kicking the ball into my fence.  It was well after 9 PM.  I finally went back to sleep, and they made more noise.  And again. 

Once I got to sleep, I slept pretty well but not long enough.  I am exhausted.  It's raining; that's going to make our supply run pretty miserable. 

But at least I don't have a headache.  There's always that, at least. 

I am petty enough to hope we disturb them for a change, when we leave for work at 6. 

Thursday

I got to sleep in a little, today, but #6 was lazy and didn't put their garbage cans away last night.  If I had 6 kids in my house, you can BET they would all be doing chores, but the only thing I've ever seen is the oldest, watering some plants, on one occasion.  So, because they were too lazy to put it away yesterday, they woke me up today. 

I ate my breakfast and took my shower.  I am about ready for a new bar of soap.  I use 2 bars of soap, 3 actually.  I have acne soap, standard soap (it's good, but it doesn't have a good lather on it, needs more coconut oil!), and unscented soap.  I use them all for different purposes.  The unscented soap is about done so I will need to change it out.  And there's Biscuit, putting his head in my lap! 

That done, I got dressed and ready for work.  Our ride was late, and, at first, was going to refuse to allow Ron to "transfer" (sit in a regular seat instead of the wheelchair compartment).  She changed her mind and I managed to make Ron behave.  I knew if he started yelling it would go downhill quickly. 

We got to work, things were pretty slow.  I told Ron, today I will help you do your work, first, and then I will do mine.  So that's what we did.  Ron was very happy about it. 

One of the customers, one I thought didn't like me, was a lot friendlier today.  That was nice. 

The other vendor called us and said we will be raising the prices to 90 cents on the canned sodas.  So, there's that.  We have to agree on our pricing, it is a policy in our program that if we have 2 vendors at the same location, they will have the same prices on identical items.  It can be a little political at times, but we make it work. 

The other vendor gets along with us pretty well.  At one point, he told us we are the only other vendors he would share a stockroom with.  It does get interesting, that. 

It always helps to bring a good understanding of what's really important, and a good sense of humor, to work.  For instance, the other vendor's guy LOVES to put his folding cart in front of my rack.  He's not "supposed" to, but it's just easier for him to do that.  I just work around it until he sees it and remembers on his own, then he moves it.  It's not worth complaining. 

A good understanding of what matters.  So, we finished work, got it all done, including the inventory.  We went home, it was a driver we know well.  He liked the candy. 

It was funny, I had asked God if I should even be bothering with the Brachs assorted hard candy.  No one has gone, "Oh, peppermints!" and dug into it like they do with the chocolate, caramel, Now and Laters, Snickers, and fruit chews.  But he did, today.  So I guess I will keep adding those to the mix. 

We had to ride around for a while.  I thought it was funny, as a play to get sympathy, one of the other passengers mentioned she was partially blind.  Ron didn't bother to mention he is all the way blind.  But I know we (us, and the driver) were thinking about it. 

We finally got home and unloaded.  The driver liked the sight of my gym equipment in the garage.  He couldn't believe that I was the one who used it.  Why, because I'm a woman?  I know a lot of women who lift weights, all online of course, but still... I need to get back to it once I clear out all the business crap.  We have old reports, vending machine parts, you name it, all stuffed into the garage. 

It didn't help, years ago, when they took away our stockroom (thank God they gave it back) and forced me to bring a lot of stuff home.  Now I'd love to get rid of it. 

We went inside.  Ron wanted to eat at home.  I had some cereal and my medication.  I forget what he had. 

I took a nap with the cats (Biscuit and Torbie) and woke up with a headache.  I forgot shredded wheat can be a headache trigger.  I saw Baby Girl, running around the house.  I got most of her mats (all of them, that I can see), so she's "Pretty" again.  She was running around the house making bengal noises.  Here's a Youtube of some (not BG, but other cats). 

https://youtu.be/XDbYR0ExLw0

Baby Girl doesn't really perform on camera, for me.  As I was playing the noisy Bengal cats video, Biscuit went nuts looking for the cats.  He is in the window right now looking outside for them.  He'll figure it out, eventually. 

It really upsets the cats when I play meowing kittens.  They look all over for the kittens. 

Ron and I are also working on the accounting report.  Hopefully we can get the thing filed and done tonight, so we don't have to worry about it tomorrow.  We're not late with it (yet) but it didn't help that I was sick last week.  We're getting it, now. 

We have tomorrow off (things are slow), and then supply run on Saturday.  I have to go, Ron's ready to do the online part of the report. 

The rest of my day

So I did my God Time, and took my shower.  I tried to take a nap before Ron and I went out to lunch.  I got a little sleep.  My headache came back so I took some more Excedrin. 

When I got up, Ron and I went out for Indian food.  Our ride was late so Ron had to reschedule the pickup.  It was raining.  Ron was very unhappy and blamed me for the whole outing "going wrong".  But when we got there he ordered Tandoori chicken and talked to the owner about the curried goat dish.  Jason told Ron he would make a small dish, and Ron could decide if he liked it.  Ron said OK.  Ron loved the curried goat, and ate most of the tandoori chicken.  I had chicken masala and pan bread.  It was very good. 

We had the same driver to go home, and it was a straight trip.  I laid down again while Ron called a friend of his.  "He thinks you walk on water" Ron told me, when he hung up. 

Well, people either seem to love me, or hate me.  Doesn't seem to be an inbetween.  Years ago, about 30, at church youth group we were asked to list several things that described us, on a piece of paper.  Then we handed the paper around and people wrote comments on it.  I will never forget getting my paper back and seeing "mediocre" on it.  I had to look it up, and when I did I was devastated.  Hopefully they are not doing things like this in church youth group, anymore. 

So these days opinions seem to be more polarized, which is fine.  I don't think anyone I know, certainly not any commenters, actively hates me.  They get impatient.  I drive them nuts.  They can't understand my decisions, but they don't hate me.  Some of my customers might. 

My gallbladder is a little iffy today.  I didn't eat anything for almost a week so it had no opportunity to empty last week.  It is still waking up, I think, today.  A heavy cream sauce is a bit much to ask of it, probably.  I feel kind of bloated, but that could be the pan bread. 

Biscuit laid down with me,and put his head on my foot.  It was pretty cute.  I managed to get some sleep with him like that. 

I explained the headache situation to Ron and asked if we could have a later pickup to go to work, tomorrow.  He said yes.  So, I get to "sleep in" a little tomorrow, maybe until 7 AM. . That will be a nice change from my 4 AM wakeups. 

I just hope the headache crawls off, the caffeine lets me sleep tonight, and Ron doesn't have a blackout.  I don't think he will, he is pretty full of meat from the restaurant. 

He won't eat, often, until he is very drunk because food inhibits alcohol absorption.  It upsets me greatly.  He needs to eat on a regular basis, especially with that thing on his leg.  I haven't looked at it recently but I am sure it is still ugly.  I'm sure he'll wait until it is a mess and then come to me, frantic, to "fix" it. 

Usually I have been able to do so.  A couple times we have had to go for antibiotics.  I have a method now, for treating the ulcers.  I use peroxide, first.  Dab it dry.  Then use Dermoplast spray.  It is important to keep it open to the air so it doesn't get icky.  Neosporin is often suggested, but it doesn't let the wound breathe and it gets on Baby Girl. 

See, Baby Girl likes to lay on Ron's legs, when he is in bed.  If he has salve, or antibiotic ointment, on his legs it rubs off on her fur, and then the fur gets stuck to the wound.  And the cat has to clean the salve out of her fur, and it tastes bad.  So better to use he spray. 

If and when he will let me, that is. 

Oh, I'm tired.  I'm sorry, I'm always complaining about that.  I try to present a clear picture of living with this disease and the treatment.  But it comes at the cost of repeating myself. 

Tomorrow will be a nice, dry, day so hopefully I won't have to deal with another headache.  I didn't eat anything weird (Tikka masala nonwithstanding) so I should be fine. 

I just hope I can get some solid sleep tonight, without nightmares, blackouts, or waking up in the early hours with yet another headache. 

Another headache

I fell asleep last night and slept pretty well, until I woke up at 3 AM with another severe headache.  [curses]  I got up and took a couple of Excedrin, and went back to bed. 

Now, Excedrin has a lot of caffeine in it, at least for me.  So generally, when I take it, it keeps me up and I can't sleep.  If I have a bad headache, though, I go back to sleep for a couple of hours. 

I went back to sleep for a couple of hours, and had a nightmare about Ron having a blackout.  Great.  I woke up with Biscuit, too alert to go to sleep again (too much caffeine!) and got up eventually.  I weighed myself (still down from before the migraine), fed Biscuit, and took my blood sugar (98).  I watched a little TV and then got on the computer. 

I feel cheated.  I wanted to sleep in, but I can't.  At least the headache didn't come back, but this means I can't take my antidepressant.  If I take it when I already have a headache, it goes straight to migraine.  Happily it, and I, seem OK with inconsistent dosing. 

I keep yawning but I feel wired.  I feel so cheated. 

I pay for sanity, in fatigue

So, today. 

I got up early, but Biscuit was in my bed, all plump and cute, purring.  I hit the snooze button a few times and went back to bed.  When I finally got up, I didn't have much time. 

I did have time to give Biscuit his kisses, and his breakfast.  He is such a sweet cat.  You know I love him when, vomiting for days, I still opened up a can of smelly cat food every day so he could have his nums. 

I took my shower and got ready.  Ron had forgotten to call in trips to go to the dentist so he had to call a cab.  We got a ride pretty quick.  He didn't know how to put the wheelchair away so I showed him.  It's not hard, and the wheelchair (this one) isn't heavy.  Well, God's given me what I need to sling it around, I'll put it that way. 

We got to the dentist 10 minutes early.  They had to drill off the temporary crown, which meant they had to numb Ron, and of course the drilling.  I hate the sound of the dentist drill.  I know, in the long run, it brings relief, but I just hate that sound.  I think most do. 

After we finished we went to Walmart.  I found a kiddie cart and loaded Ron.  Ron was in a pretty bad mood but he perked up and we had fun shopping.  I had forgotten my reusable tote bags so, when we checked out, we had to use regular plastic. 

There was a woman waiting, obviously, for a cab.  She had two shopping carts full of processed crap food, and drinks, but was amazingly still pretty thin.  I wondered if we would have problems with her trying to take our cab when Ron called one. 

Ron went down the list, calling cab drivers, but no one was available.  Ron called Yellow and put the trip out.  A minute later, I saw a sedan cab go by the door and I thought it was for the woman.  She went out. 

A minute later, the cab driver came into the store.  It was Michael.  We know him very well.  He told us to "come on!" and we went.  I passed the other woman, waiting with her stuff, and wondered that our cab had come so much faster than her ride. 

As I passed her, she told me Michael was "her cab" but she didn't like him.  She started trash talking him but I wasn't listening because we were putting Ron in the car, and then all our crap (about $50 between the two of us, in purchases).  I got in the cab and we left. 

I asked Michael if we had "stolen" her cab, and he said no.  He had come out for her, but she didn't want him, and then he saw our trip and took that instead.  So we were in the right. 

I asked if she was a lousy tipper, and Mike said she didn't tip at all, and had cheated him a couple times on the fare.  So we did him a favor.  We don't cheat drivers on the fare. 

We went home and I put all the crap away.  Ron and I had a small argument.  I can't get into details but I wouldn't help him do something he shouldn't be doing anyway.  He got upset and threatened to take away my trip to Denny's, later.  I said go ahead and ate my leftover pizza from yesterday, and then took my pills. 

Ron backed off and said our ride would arrive in a few hours, so I took a nap, again, with Biscuit.  No, my mistake.  It was Torbie.  I have so many awesome cats it is hard to keep them straight. 

I had a good nap and actually woke up before the alarm.  I was surprised.  I got up and did some computer work, bagged up some candy, and did my Bible Study.  I got dressed and ready.  I checked the mail. 

I had already taken out the garbage.  I heard Baby Girl, by the front window (her favorite spot) making noises.  I looked out the window to see  a nice, plump, dove pecking away at our grass.  Baby Girl was going nuts. 

Our driver arrived.  #6 (the whole family) were headed out, with the kids running wild in the driveway.  I warned the driver those kids run in the street and she thanked me.  If they won't be responsible, I will.  Who doesn't teach their kids to stay out of the street? 

We went to Denny's.  Paratransit left us there for almost 2 hours.  It was pretty good, I just had a dessert.  Ron had a grilled cheese and soup. 

We were picked up by a big van, on the way home.  The other client had an extreme amount of groceries hogging up 3 seat spaces.  It's a miracle there was room for us and the wheelchair.  She was very obese, in a wheelchair.  She was talking on the phone about how she had bought "salad, for the kids....Oh, you know, the cut up apples with caramel sauce?"  I don't think that qualifies as "salad" in any context.  I would hate to see "dessert". 

We came home, I saw utility trucks parked at the house behind us.  It's a rental (I am nearly surrounded by rent houses) and they are apparently fixing up the utilities.  I sure hope whoever lives there is quiet.  Please, Lord, let them be quiet. 

It's not a very good school district, in my opinion.  Some kids are bused in from one of the very worst ghettoes in Houston, to these schools.  Not exactly the peer group I would want for my kids.  But I don't have kids so I'm not worried.  But it's something a "quality" tenant is going to investigate.  Sigh. 

I didn't expect so many houses around me (5 that I know of, in a one block area around me) to go rental.  It's a mixed bag.  Some of the tenants are very quiet, clean, respectful.  Some of them are obnoxious jerks I pray to see evicted.  The former #2 was a hoarder and just utterly obnoxious, and he lived there for several years.  He brought rats.  It doesn't get much worse than that.  Thank God for Bubba, my big black cat.  I think the rats called him "Death".  I'll keep you posted. 

Ron's in bed, after drinking.  Well, there's that. 

Biscuit is lying by my foot.  It's 7:30 on my day off, and I have tomorrow off.  I will probably go to bed early. 

I am proud I got back on the medication routine so quickly after my migraine.  It would have been easy to drop the ball.  I pay for sanity, in fatigue.  It's a pretty high price.  I'm willing to pay it because I spent too long unmedicated. 

I often wonder how my life would have been different if I had been diagnosed and medicated at a young age (say, 7).  As it is, I spent:
All my school years.
Meeting Ron
Dating Ron
Marrying Ron
Unmedicated, "under the influence" so to speak.  I think, had I been medicated, I would have set much firmer boundaries, and been a lot more assertive, with Ron from the beginning.  Maybe we would have made it, maybe not. 

But I'll never know.  I've only been "clear" (to borrow a Scientology term) for the last 10 years or so.  Less than that, actually.  I can't see how people live without psychiatric medication. 

Anyway, I am tired so I'm going to bed.  Maybe I'll see the cats, maybe not.  I hope I do.  They're pretty cute. 

I do notice, though, whenever I show off cat photos people always use the word "fat".  I have such a hard time putting them on a diet, when I know they were starved when I got them.  I just can't bear to put them back in that place, and deal with all the sad meows, begging, etc. 

I am an enabler.