Trying to carry the world on my back

I'm going to complain, damnit. I just realized that in many ways, I have a lousy life. My husband is practically bed-bound at home. When we go out, he can't walk more than a few hundred yards, or stand more than a few minutes at a time. All due to the damned nerve disease that no one knows how he got.

Today I was told "Peripheral Neuropathy as an allergic response to Bactrim? That's very rare." Thanks. I needed to hear that. My husband is so special, and we've pissed God off so much, that He had to smite my long-suffering husband with ANOTHER disability. It was lots of fun, helping him wash up this morning and hearing him scream as I gently wiped his arm with a washcloth. It was even more fun to hear the doctor comment on the extensive nerve damage in his right arm. Yeah, we NOTICED thanks. I hate it. I can't even touch him without being exceptionally careful. He coughs a lot, a side effect from the medication that helps with his newest disability, and people want to slap him on the back, which hurts him even more.

As I go places, my decrepit husband tottering along, clutching my arm like a lifeline, I get sympathetic looks. EVERYONE, even the worst thug, holds a door open for us. I have a hard time processing the spatial data and sometimes I bump him into things. Not fun.

He's only 54! It's not fair. The best years of his life, I was sick with undiagnosed, unmedicated bipolar disorder. I finally get fixed and how he's circling the drain? Cruel.

I can't even find my MP3 player. Why? Last week, battling a crushing depression, because my CAT DIED, I upped my lithium dosage. There goes the short term memory. It's a miracle I locked all the vending machines. Somehow along the way, I misplaced my tunes, God only knows where. It doesn't seem like much but I'd like my music! I do an awful lot of waiting on public transit because neither of us can drive, and I'd like some music while I'm waiting!

You think God could help me out with that... most of my music is Christian heavy metal. But no.. just another load to carry.

Some days it's very hard to be me. I wake up with nightmares every night - a side effect of my illness. Today during my nap I had a horrible dream, where I knew I was dying and pieces of my tongue were falling off, and I sadly told Ron "Chapter 15" - meaning I knew we were going to die. Ugh. But I'm plagued with fatigue because I take my pills so I can be a functioning member of society and I need my nap every day, plus at least 8 hours every night, even though that comes with the attendant nightmares and weird dreams.

So I got up this morning, helped my husband wash up, uncovered my plants, ate, took my pills, and took him to the doctor. I helped him into the building and he sat down. I ran over to a medical supply store because I wanted a squishy ball so MY hand doesn't go out. Typing, blogging, and knitting are not kind to my thumb tendon. It gets cranky. Anyway, I got the thing and came back.

Then I got to watch the doctor shock and stick Ron with electrified needles, and hear he has nerve damage from the peripheral nerve disease, damage from the accident, AND a bad carpal tunnel. We had to race out of the office and catch our ride, and ride with a guy on dialysis. I do count my blessings.

We came home and I got Ron some music. Then the next ride came and took us out to eat. Lunch was great, very nice. It was fun to see Ron enjoy his food for a change. He even ate a bite of steak without gagging.

We had to wait an hour after we finished, luckily the restaurant was quiet and they didn't care. I did some knitting, talked to the waitress and Ron. Came home, immediate nap time.

The nightmares I already mentioned, woke me up. Too tired to cook, didn't even want to heat up my pot roast. I ended up making a protein shake. It will hold the lithium I had to take and won't mess up my eating plan.

Then laundry, had to do laundry, sort wash dry hang. Still doing that. I can't have Ron looking ragged or dirty, people will talk and it won't be kind. Pick up watch a show do some knitting. Where are my tunes? Gotta get up early take a shower tonight let my hair dry and what about the bedding? Gotta wash that, but not tonight? Tomorrow or hell with it? Ugh.

I'm not the only woman in the world with bipolar disorder, mixed episodes, rapid cycling, psychotic features. I'm not the only woman in the world with my form of bipolar AND Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I'm not even the only woman in the world with Bipolar, FAS, and a physically disabled husband. I'm not the only one with all that who's also battling what wants to be either a horrible depression or mixed episode. Or the only one with all that who's Baby Kitten just died. Running a business. Taking care of a home.

But, God, it's hard. See, it's like those old puzzles, the answer is in the question. God. I sound like one of those psalms where the writer starts out bitching at God and ends up praising him. I'm not at that point.

I'm angry. I'm more than a little bitter. Why us? Huh? I do a lot of witnessing and I make it look easy to carry my load, most of the time. I think of a line from one of my favorite songs, now MISSING because my player is missing (I have backup, so I can get a new player and transfer them, worst case).

You always say you wanna follow me
But when I call you're never around
Talk is cheap it's time for action
This time I'm gonna pin you down
I wanna see your faith on the line
You've got to take it to the limit'
Cause my love is all you need
Take it to the limit
And by my side you'll always be
I could provide everything you lack
But you keep tryin' to carry the world on your back
I wanna see your faith on the line
You've got to take it to the limit
'Cause my love is all you need
Take it to the limit
And by my side you'll always be.
You talk in circles
But you can't see
You'll find your freedom
When you start trustin' in Me
I wanna see your faith on the line
You've got to take it to the limit
'Cause my love is all you need
Take it to the limit
And by my side you'll always be
- Take it to the Limit by Whitecross

I guess you could say the good thing about my life, and I've said this repeatedly, with the load I've got to carry, I have to believe in Jesus. I have to believe that it's making me stronger, developing my faith, and that my faith, my love, my life is valued by God himself. He needs me just the way I am. Sometimes I have the feeling I actually volunteered for this life!

I have a special assignment, Heather. It won't be easy but I know you can handle it. We're going to start with prenatal brain damage...

But when I look at my husband, or where my cat used to sleep, I just want to cry.