I fear Easter will always be really hard for me

 I used to love Easter, the family, the candy, the trip to church in my special dress and shoes, the family photo, the family meal (ham).  

Ron didn't like Easter because he was estranged from his family.  He was the cuckoo, they were all ignorant and superstitious, he was very intelligent (at least until the Alzheimer's).  He chose a white woman for his bride and they could never forgive him for that.  

He used to say the Creoles thought they were better than every other race, more so than the white racists he had met.  I don't know about that but they did hate me, more so when I refused the "easy option" of putting him in a facility after the accident.  

So, he hated holidays.  

A few weeks after he died I found myself at my aunt's church.  I was raised Presbyterian, I have never asked but I believe the family faith = Presbyterian goes back at least 100 years.  It is important to all of us.  So I was happy to be taken to one for an Easter service.  

Until they started singing a very traditional Presbyterian Easter hymn "Christ the Lord is Risen Today".  I started weeping.  Like I did today.  Apparently nothing makes me cry these days like a Presbyterian Easter service.  

I should have brought a hanky.  I was not loud but I kept wiping my eyes and my nose got snotty so I was sniffling thinking I can't wipe it on my hand because we're about to do the "greet your neighbor" thing and shake hands.  

And they preached on Revelation 21:4, Ron's favorite verse so that was hard too.  It was just emotionally taxing.  

Other than that it was a fine day except for being alone and depressed.  And isn't that an awful thing for an evangelist to say on Easter "I was depressed on the day my Lord rose from the grave, conquered sin, and ensured me forever in Heaven with my loved ones"?  

That said I did hand out about 10 bags of candy coming and going.  I took myself to the taco truck after church and got a delicious, greasy, quesadilla.  I changed into my grubby clothes when I got home, got a towel, and dug in.  It was delicious, I took my pills with it too, laid down and took a nap.  

Spotty has been sleeping with me at night, by my head.  It is adorable.  I wake up a lot on my own, roll over, pet him, he purrs at me, I go back to sleep.  

For naps I usually have Biscuit and Cleo.  Biscuit also sleeps with me at night, Cleo varies.  I'm just happy to get any attention from my guys.  

So today was just really hard.  That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

My aunt and I found a cute, floral print, flowy, modest dress at the thrift shop so we got it, months ago.  I tried it on today and it fits great, a little loose but that's fine.  I'm wearing it to church.  

I have some shoes that are a little dressier than a sneaker I guess I will put up a photo later, but they are comfortable for walking long distances so I'm wearing them today.  

I also brought some candy with "The Amazing Life of Jesus Christ" I think that is appropriate for Easter.  I don't have any chocolate or "traditional" Easter candy in there just the usual pinata mix.  

I am moderately depressed but determined to get to church today.  I am not one for "High Holy Days" but if there is one today is it.  

The cats are good, Biscuit is enjoying his "new" scratcher.  It is very cute to watch him go to town on it.  It's short enough he can lie down and work it.   

I need to do some cleaning and meal prep today for the week.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

 I was depressed today but I managed to get my shower (quite the accomplishment for a day off when I'm off), God Time, off to the grocery store.  The second bus driver didn't want any candy one of those healthy eating types (nothing wrong with that).  That bus drops me off across from the grocery store, I cross the street, shop, and usually get the same driver on the way back.  

So when shopping I only got 2 gallons of milk, some candy.  They had the candy in stock I was impressed.  I also got a healthy snack for the driver and a 1 ounce bag of chips for myself.  

I had the chips at the bus stop.  The bus came, it was a different driver but he still took the healthy snack (a banana, peanuts, and a bottle of water).  

So I came home, it wasn't too bad.  

I was worried today it would be all work and no fun; but it was, pretty much.  

I was happy I cleaned up next to the bed it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  I also tried on some jeans and did fold up the ones I "fit" and put them next to the bed.  It looks much more organized now.  

That's it for now.  

I made it, period

 I got to my weekend.  

The store was crazy this week, far crazier than other Easters in the past.  I'm not sure why, I don't think people actually have more money but I was hopping all night long.  

The good news I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself, either.  And the night went fast.  

I ate pretty much low carb all day too, I'm happy about that.  

When I got hired we had to watch a video about religious inclusion.  They had a specific instance of if a muslim employee wants to pray in the break room that is their right.  On my lunch last night 3 did that.  I didn't have an issue with that what I did object to was playing the "call to prayer" on speaker phone before they did that.  When I listen to my religious music I put it on headphones.  

So they (3 of them) did that and went back to their meal.  Then Jose in the corner starts playing "Jesus Paid it All" (an old hymn) on his speakerphone played the whole song all 4 stanzas, then turned it off.  I guess that's religious balance.  That's his right.  

And the nice thing to me about the song he picked it's got the whole Gospel.  "Jesus paid it all/ all to Him I owe, Sin had left a crimson stain/ He washed it white as snow"  I wanted to clap.  

In the meantime I was doing up Bibles for Ace's family, Bilingual New Testament with Psalms, tract (I thought "Overwhelmed" was appropriate), and a card where I had written "I'm praying for you daily!" in English and Spanish and also written "Psalm 27" in English, then stuck the card AT Psalm 27 in the Bible.  That took a while even though I only had 4.  

I decided not to do a Handout today but I will do prep work for next week.  My goal is to have a ready to go cart for next week by Thursday, so all I have to do Saturday morning is take it to the bus stop.  

I have a lot of stuff I have to do but I want to make today fun, too.  I need to figure out how to do that.  

Tomorrow I go to church.  

I also have to pick my chicken carcass and get the meat off, then make stock.  

Made it to work

 They were still having the visit from corporate.  That was sad to watch.

I am still pretty depressed but I'll make it.

That's it for now.  

I had a dream last night

 In it, Ron was in the hospital with critical heart problems.  The doctor was working very hard to save him but I could see Ron was so, so, tired of fighting.  I told Ron "It's OK to go" and he said "I'm just going to rest for a minute" and I saw a light come get him.  

Then I woke up.  

I thought I was over all this, that I had let Ron go the day he died.  I don't think about him much.  But maybe I needed to process it like this.  I don't know.  

I do know I have a weekend holiday shift coming up with a very stressed out boss.  One of her teammates, another one of my bosses' husband had a stroke "On his left side" (they always say it that way) so she is out right now before a big holiday weekend.  We had a corporate visit this morning I don't know how that went.  

I haven't said anything to the one caregiver boss about Ron and how he had a stroke.  God just hasn't led me to do that, and the fact Ron died at the end of it all is not exactly a happy ending.  

So I am pretty much dreading work but I will ask God to make it a good day anyway.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

  I mostly slept OK last night but I had eaten some sugar free cookies after work and the sugar alcohols had me very bloated and gassy all night.  Happily I remembered my chewable gas pills so I got into those and went back to sleep.  When I woke up all the bloat was gone but I must have been farting all night!   Poor Biscuit!  

It is nice to start at 2 as I get to sleep in until 7 in the morning instead of getting up at 2 or 3.  I need to take a shower, do my God Time, get dressed, fix my breakfast and lunch.  Work is only 6 hours so that's good but I will likely have the boss the whole time.  

She was stressed last night as we were getting "a visit" from corporate this morning and that always gets her agitated.  They can fire her at the drop of the hat so she takes that very seriously.  

For once with my budget I am logging everything as I spend it, not one of those apps but a basic notepad app (Google Docs).  I need to take my index cards to work and write up the "Praying for you" cards for the Bible Handout tomorrow.  

Ace takes great pride in being a good driver so I know he'll be there tonight.  That was really cute seeing him with Biscuit, Biscuit cheered him right up.  Cats do that.  

They are also a little bit evil and will love on people who are afraid of them.  I have had that happen a few times.  

I need to figure out my lunch, I plan to take the last of my rotisserie chicken to work today and then cook up the bones tonight for some stock.  I can make some good veggie soup - I don't mind a few fresh veggie carbs it's the french fries, hamburger buns, breading, and macaroni and cheese I need to cut.  

All in all I feel like it will be a pretty good day.