Friday, April 30, 2021

Friday Two Blogs in one

 Let's see if this works.  


OK it worked.  

Pretty quiet day, depressed, job hunt is discouraging.  I turned on the air conditioner last night it was pretty warm in the house.  It worked, happily.  Ron always pointed a fan at the thermostat to help it work better and I noticed a big difference, when he was alive, so I did it last night too.  So I have the fan running nonstop.  

I am not used to it and it woke me up a few times last night but otherwise slept OK.  Went on a rant about vaccines, Kool-aid, etc (you get the idea), people I know have lost loved ones to the vaccine.  So I may get banned from Facebook for a while.  I will have to see.  

I have no problem with someone getting the shot.  That is up to them.  But they are not 100% safe and people need to be aware of that.  And it should be OK if someone wants to opt out.  If they get sick they will be the one to suffer.  And I have a hard time believing in asymptomatic carriers who have to be tested to find out they are sick.  What I have read indicates that is not very likely.  And why do vaccinated people still have to wear a mask?  Good points I think.  

That's it for now may post again before bed.  Oh, and doing laundry.  And the dogs are gone.  




Thursday, April 29, 2021

I am sure some are going to think I'm a royal bitch

 So a pretty uneventful morning, didn't take a nap.  I went outside and 3 large German Shepherds showed up, I went back in the house.  I looked on Nextdoor and learned some interesting things: 

  • They have gotten aggressive with people.  
  • Some do gooders who "love animals" but don't want any responsibility have been giving them food and water but no other care.  "They're a family, we can't separate them at a shelter!"
  • One of the dogs appears to be pregnant, which is probably feeding the aggression.  
  • They have killed a cat in front of witnesses.  
I put up a notice they were by my house and gave the "rescue" crowd a couple of hours to come get them, because that was the biggest excuse "We don't know where they are".  No one came.  One guy kept whining about how they were "good" dogs and "just scared".  A scared dog is even more dangerous.  And these are not fearful dogs they have been exploring the front yard and sleeping by my neighbor's trash cans.  

What pushed me over the edge?  The mail lady had a package for me she could not deliver due to the dogs.  And I can't go out in my yard because they are there, unpredictable, and all I know is they have killed cats (I smell like cats) and are aggressive with do-gooder humans how much more someone who is uncomfortable with large dogs?  So I called the shelter.  I made sure to talk about the dead cat and growling at people and she said they would send someone RIGHT out.  

Thank God my cats stayed away.  Most of them were inside but I couldn't find Cleo.  On a sick and depressing note I didn't hear anything like a dog killing her so she is safe somewhere.  Baby Girl had a good look at them out the window but didn't go out of the backyard (thank God my uncle fixed my fence).  

Hopefully they will be out to get the dogs pretty quick.  It's a huge safety hazard, I kept thinking I have 2 little girls, one lives one side one across the street.  Each of the girls has a small, yappy, dog.  If the shepherds were killing cats I would bet money they would attack a small dog, the girls would try to "save" their pet and get mauled.  Not to mention me I need to be able to go out in my yard and be safe.  I don't want to hear that, or see some poor child all mauled up.  I am not overly worried about the cats but I am for myself and passersby.  

I just don't think dogs have any place roaming the neighborhood, that is why I live in a deed restricted subdivision, in a county that has leash laws.  I know many people have lived their whole lives in the country with a big pack of dogs roaming all over... that is fine in the country if you know to expect that but I want to be safe.  

Yes, I am wary around dogs.  I had some bad experiences coming up.  According to my brother my sister had a really hard time, a shepherd bit her on the face!  You can't tell but I can only imagine what that did to her sense of security.  

Interestingly enough, I have heard from both siblings my mother had a habit of gifting puppies to people.  She must have known Dad would never allow that with me.  So I grew up in a house without pets.  Then we eventually got a bird, later on a cat.  But that was it, the bird and the cat.  And Dad has never been comfortable with cats.  He told my stepmother it would only ever be the one cat and that's how it's been.  No more cats for Mom.  

At least, my Dad reminds her, until he dies, then she can go get one.  She will probably adopt a nice old calico she loves calicos and older cats (she will love Torbie).  

Now, do I hate dogs?  No.  I actually offered more than once to care for any service dog Ron might want, a Guide Dog or a service dog (more to help him in wheelchair which was a bigger issue to us than blind).  Both times he said no.  More than once he told me he dated a woman with a Guide Dog and it was horrible when they had to put the dog down.  He was still broken up about that but is happily reunited with the pup.  

And Ron had a dog when he was a boy, a large dog.  She was very protective of Ron and would attack Ron's brother if he bullied Ron.  Their dad eventually gave her away because they didn't have any low cost spay options.  It broke Ron's heart.  They had other dogs but she was special.  

On the other hand, his mother had a dog that was so vicious the vet called it "The Louisiana Gator Dog" because it was always biting and snapping.  It would attack anyone who got near Ron's mother, she would chuckle and pet him when he did so (rewarding him).  It was constantly biting Ron.  He got sick of it and stopped visiting his mother because she refused to put the dog up when he came.  They (both parents) would chuckle every time the dog attacked someone.  It was a chihuahua but had it been bigger people would have reported it to animal control and had it put down.  

So me, personally?  I don't really have good experiences with dogs, particularly large ones, particularly shepherds, as I saw one mauling a neighbor boy when I was about 8.  Horrible animal.  They put her down of course.  But that has just been my wheelhouse, dogs are erratic and aggressive, avoid if at all possible.  I sure don't want a pack of them in my yard and I absolutely do not want to get sued because someone thought they were "mine".  

So I am just waiting for animal control to come.  The mail lady swung by again but still a large dog in my yard so she kept going.  But I commend her for at least trying.  Some people wouldn't even try to deliver a package once.  She tried at least twice that I saw.  

Hopefully people will be more careful with their animals if they realize they will be picked up, that not everyone feels sorry for the large aggressive dog pack growling at people and killing small animals.  It was just STUPID for people to gang up and feed them...they would never leave after that.  Much better to trap them and get them to a shelter or rescue vs. let them roam the neighborhood killing pets and growling at people.  

So that was my day.  I will edit when they're gone.  

I am not stupid if they are all aggressive they are going to be put down, but better that than have them attack a small child out walking her (small) dog (on a leash).  

Thursday

 I had the first good dream I remember in a while.  I was at a garden center shopping and laughing with someone.  We were amused at the fact my maternal grandmother (in the dream) found out she had some black blood (she was a racist).  I woke up, couldn't sleep any more, got up.  

Not a bad start to my day.  I also had a mild headache so watching that.    I made a grocery delivery around 3 AM (placed the order, got at 9:30).  I took a shower and went back to bed for a little bit.  

I got up at 8, got dressed, did my God Time.  I got the delivery.  2 very small changes to it, I ordered a 6 pack of hard boiled eggs, which they apparently didn't have.  So they sent me 3x2 packs of hard boiled eggs.  That works.  You only have a week to eat the eggs once you open the package a lot of times Ron couldn't eat 6 in a week.  Othertimes he ate 4 at a time.  

They also sent me a 7 ounce Trolli sour worms instead of a 6 ounce generic brand, again, not an issue.  I got more and that is generally how Walmart rolls.  The driver was very nice and I remembered to give him his cash tip.  

I like giving a cash tip.  On the record he got a $4 tip electronically but he also got a little more.  I always do that.  I will die tipping too much because I have worked in the service industry.  Anyone in my life will just have to understand that.  

I got some candy for distribution so I'm happy about that.  For now I will hand out candy with Scripture booklets.  

My aunt called, progress on the lawyer thing.  Long story short Ron did not put me on his primary account (to his credit, I didn't put him on mine, either).  He did have a will (remember the rectal bleeding thing?  We did wills during that), leaving everything to me.  So no question about that.  BUT the bank will not hand over the money unless/until we get lawyers involved.  [rolleyes]  I have the go fund me so I am not out in the street but it is taxing.  

My aunt got me enrolled with a program and they are still processing my intake, but I hope I am the type of case they will take.  Long term married woman just trying to get what's hers, I am disabled, I am not working, I could really use it.  A feel good case "Heather got what's hers".  It could be a while, though.  I am OK with that I do have the Go Fund Me for now.  God has got me this far.  

I had $16 in my checking account when Ron died.  I don't forget that.  

She was going out to run errands we apparently have a storm system moving in this afternoon.  I should probably get going on my laundry.  I don't run the washer during thunderstorms as a power outage is "bad" for the washer.  Got that going.  

The lawyers said they need to talk to me which is fine.  I will help them as much as I can.  It's in my best interest, after all.  

I am going to hang out until the wash is done (the lock on the door can get a little hinky if I don't open it right away).  Maybe take a nap, then do more job hunting.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

I'm not good at leisure time

 Slept better last night, not great but getting there.  If anyone is praying for my sleep it is appreciated.  

Got up and did my God time, prayed for YOU and everyone else, myself, God's will in my life, etc.  

I had my phone interview, I think it went very well.  She went over things I saw on the website and wanted to make sure I was OK with working different shifts, nights, weekends.  I said that was fine.  

Between us home is not the same place it was when Ron was alive.  It is a safe place for me and the cats but the love in it is gone.  I play music all the time (low levels) because I can't stand the emptiness.  So a busy job sounds good.  

She said she was referring me to another manager for another interview.  SHE DID NOT SAY NO at any point so I am encouraged.  If she didn't think I would have worked out she'd have said so.  So that went well I think.  I was honest I don't have hotel experience but I have plenty of experience working with the public.  And I used the words "At your disposal" regarding schedules.  

And I checked the bus runs all the times I would need it.  

So I was done job hunting for the day, once I weeded out all the Career builder scams.  Don't use Career Builder I have had nothing but fraud and scams coming off of that.  The only viable leads I've had were going to a company's web page and clicking "careers" and "apply", then filling out their application and doing my resume.  

My adoptive mom is having eye surgery today, I talked to Dad and told him about the interview while he waited outside in the car.  I talked to my aunt.  

Torbie was in my lap, lost her balance (she's old) and scratched my thigh again.  The same thigh, a little closer to the knee this time.  I wasn't planning on it but not wearing short skirts anytime soon.  Then I tried to take a nap.  Spotty came along, got on my chest purring.  Like Cleo he likes his lovin's in bed, not anywhere else in the house.  I am fine with that.  So I'm petting him and all of a sudden something startled him, he jumped and lashed out with his claws... and now I have a scratch on my elbow.  It is funny because I can go years without being scratched by a cat, now it's twice in one day.  I can't do anything about Spotty, he is not easily spooked, but I do have an extra towel I put on the couch arm, I can place that in my lap when Torbie wants to sit.  Then I will have the towel between her claws and my skin.  I don't blame either of the cats.  

I blocked one guy on a message board because he said he "always" had his cats declawed because his wife had an immune condition and "could get really sick" off a cat scratch.  "But she loves her horses".  Why have cats if you are worried about that?  Why mutilate them?  It's better not to have a cat than to do that, I've seen it up close twice and both times it was agonizing for the cat.  

I did find it interesting my vet is very pro-claw and had a sign up in the cat exam room with a human hand with the fingers cut up.  "It's the same thing for a cat" and would not under any circumstance declaw.  Go, doc!  Years ago Torbie had a tumor on her back left foot, and it was growing.  I took her to doc who watched it, it kept growing, we agreed time to get that thing off.  She said she might have to take the toe.  I was OK with that.  I just wanted the full biopsy on it, and was willing to $$ pay for it.  So doc did the surgery the tumor was right up against a claw tendon, but got it all with good margins.  And she gave me a painkiller "for use in declawed cats".  That's what it said in the directions.  That's as close as either of us would get to that horrid procedure.  

I am OK with getting sliced now and then.  Ron had plenty of rubbing alcohol I have been using that on my cuts.  But that was pretty much it aside from my interview.  I found a word game on my cell phone, play that about 15 minutes a day, says it is good for training my brain (sounds good at any rate).  It is the right amount of challenging for me.  And it has a cheat feature where you can tap on the light bulb for a clue.  This is a big deal for me as I never do games.  But I am bored enough I am doing this game 15 minutes a day.  "Word Trip" I finally remembered.  

So that was pretty much my day.  I will be ready to go back to work when I get the call.  1.  Money.  and 2.  Something to do.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

Found some buried treasure today

 Let's see if this works.  


It did!  I found an image I hadn't seen, for Ron.  I won't tell you how old this photo is but it's old.  I like to think that is now he looks now.  Not like he was at the end.  

Anyway I think he's adorable, and I like thinking about the laugh lines he had at the end and how I helped put them there.  Interesting to note he already has a high hairline in the photo, a precursor to his male pattern baldness.  

Today I have been battling some anger, at the man who ran over Ron (of course) and Ron's brother, who wasn't very fraternal.   Anger is a normal stage of grief and I remind myself of that.  I will get through this.  

Love big, hurt big when you lose them, and you will, one way or another.  Or they lose you.  It would have destroyed Ron to lose me first.  I was his everything... he was huge in my life but I had my online life and some family aside... Ron had me, and Baby Girl.  And if I had died or left him he wouldn't have even had Baby Girl.  

Am I sorry I loved him so deeply?  No.  I never regretted loving him (for long).  Did I know it would be this hard?  No.  I always assumed I would be a lot older, or, frankly, that we would go together somehow.  I just didn't think about it.  

Well here I am unemployed and grieving.  It's pretty horrible.  But I have to think it will get better.  I just need to be patient.  

God has my back, I just need to trust His plan and hustle appropriately.  

That's it for now.  


I feel like a minnow in a sea of sharks!

 The only legit job offers seem to be places I applied myself, the hotel, the bus company, etc.  A lot of the job hunt sites mined my information, I think, and sold it to scammers.  

A good example, a text I got just now: "Is this Heather ___?"  Normal reaction would be to say "yes" but I know if I say "yes" in a text message I could end up getting billed for something so I said "It is!"  Blah blah, "$55 an hour".  

There is no job for me at that pay rate.  No legal job.  So I said "Sounds illegal 😀, what is it?"  Nothing.  I went to Indeed no problems from there but I went to some other sites as well and SORRY I did.  I think these turkeys will be bugging me long after I get my job.  

But I did sleep better last night, I only woke up once at 3, dreams were not as bad.  I told my aunt I feel terrible about the night Ron died.  I had a dream he came to me trying to hug me and I kept pushing him away and yelling "You're dead!  Go away!"  I feel really bad about that, what if it was his spirit reaching out?  And I won't go to a medium or anything like that.  I do hope he comes back and I can say goodbye more politely.  I feel bad about that.  

But I am doing better every day, it's just a process.  I will see Ron again one day in the meantime no pain, no fear, no suffering for him.  I can't feel bad for that.  It just sucks to be me without him and unemployed.  But it will get better.  

The longer I go without him the more inclined I am to stay single.  There is a lot of pain with love.  I loved big, "lost" big.  Not really wanting to go through that again.  

I can love people in general, my recipients (evangelism), my family.  It is bad enough all the people I love in my family are well over 60.  We know how that is going to end one day.  More pain.  I won't stop loving them but I'm just not inclined to open my heart that wide again any time soon.  

I was 17 when I met Ron, young and fearless.  Now I know how much it hurts to lose a husband I am not inclined to go looking for another one, even years in the future.  Not to mention the emotional toll of caregiving all those years... so much anxiety and worry about him.  I was always so afraid I would screw up and hurt him somehow.  

Both my grandmothers were widowed young.  Neither remarried, I see why.  Now, having said all this, six years from now "I met a great guy!" you just don't know.  But I am not dating for a long time.  That's one reason I think Ron's friend stopped calling me, I said that.  

I didn't tell the guy Ron had a horrible early family life.  He only gradually shared some of it with me but suffice to say I see why he drank.  Anyway this guy kept talking about what a "wonderful" family Ron had and how I must not "understand".  Trying to throw him in a nursing home, attempting to sabotage my efforts to take him home and care for him myself, etc. are all pretty clear indicators THEY NEVER LIKED ME.  And that never changed.  But Ron liked me plenty.  😉  And that's the only opinion that mattered to me.  

But at the end of it Ron said I made him happy and that's all that really matters to me now.  I did a good job with him; he was loved.  

Monday, April 26, 2021

It was a busy Monday

 I woke up at 3 with a splitting headache, took some Excedrin and went back to bed, got up at 7.  Still had the headache so I took some more Excedrin.  

I got ready and did my God Time, then left the house and walked to the bus stop.  I had a very nice bus driver.  I had to ride all the way downtown to the "Ride Store" to "fix" my bus pass, which I had turned off when I lost my wallet.  Or so I thought.  

When we got close I asked the driver to let me know when we got to Main street.  She did, I got off, there's the bus company right there on the corner.  I went inside.  It was a lot quieter than it has been in the past.  I went to the proper window and she said my pass had never been turned off!  What?  So I put another $20 since I was there.  

I went to the deli boy they are struggling.  I felt bad for them, bought a muffin and a soda.  Ate that.  Got my bus schedules, boy that took a while to print up.  Then she told me where to go to go home. I went, there it was.. not a long wait either time.  I had the same driver.  

I got off and headed home, my aunt came to meet me.  We checked my mail at the post office and I had my ID card.  That's great, and it has the star on it so I can fly now.  My old one did not have that.  Dad wants me to come visit so this works very well.  

There were a few things I gave to my aunt.  She was curious about one thing and opened it (with permission) it was some sort of scam so we threw it away.  I had more papers for her so we went home and I gave her the sack (!), then we got a late lunch, ran by a grocery store, and then home again.  I sat outside for a while it's important to get sun and fresh air.  

I did feel terrible, I accidentally stepped on Torbie's foot earlier but she is not limping.  I still feel terrible about it, though.   

That's it for now.