So far, so good

Well, not a bad day. 

Here's our problem: Jack's truck fits the inventory, wheelchair, and the 3 of us.  But Jack can't help. 

Chuck could help but his SUV could ONLY hold the wheelchair or the inventory.  It has been my experience that people (including my Dad) underestimate the amount of space required for a wheelchair - it's a lot.  It's got to be about 4 feet square by a couple feet tall. 

So, I could get inventory, and we could "try" to do it on paratransit, Ron would take a ride to work and have them leave him at the curb while Chuck brought me and the inventory.  Or I could just leave Ron at home. 

We decided on the latter. 

I had trouble falling asleep, but when I did I finally felt rested, so I had a hard time getting up.  I kept resetting my alarm.  I had planned on maybe taking a walk this morning; that didn't happen.  I had enough time to take care of the cats, bathe, and dress.  That was it. 

Chuck came and we went to the store.  They were out of water.  Out of [censored] water, one of our best-profit items.  [Curses].  They did have everything else. 

I got the merchandise, which totaled $165.  We went out to the car and I loaded it.  I appreciated the fact he didn't "help" because I wanted heavy things on the bottom, etc. 

We went to work. 

He found some parking while I went in and grabbed a cart.  I didn't need more than one.  I loaded the cart, said goodbye for now, and he left. 

I went in and stocked for a while, took the money out of the machines, etc.  I took a lot of change out.  It will pay some bills.  Sales weren't "great" but we had waited a while to do this. 

I did enough to hold it to Thursday and called Chuck.  He came and picked me up, took me home (I gave him gas money). 

I opened the door to see Ron scurrying down the hall in his wheelchair.  He can move pretty fast when he's sober.  He has been very contained today, if he drank it wasn't enough to make him sloppy and ugly.  I greeted him and told him about work. 

I got a snack and took my pills (late, on that) and took a nap.  I had a hard time dropping off but slept great once I did.  I woke up refreshed, only about an hour later. 

Ron has been in a great mood and says he has resolved to cut back on the alcohol.  I will enjoy it for however long it lasts.  I did have a talk to him about his pain pills.  He was thinking he could take 3 a day, I reminded him they are only prescribed for 2 a day.  If he takes 3, he will run out. 

Other than that it has been a very good day.  Baby Girl had camped out in my computer chair.  Rather than push her down, I lured her with treats.  She was happy to come for them.  And Torbie, too, even though she had just gotten her own treats. 

Biscuit [sigh] was definitely kicked in the head.  I left his food bowl out by accident when I left the house.  It still had the same amount of food in it and Biscuit was crying for his food, which was literally right in front of him.  I don't often think of him as "slow" but with evidence like that I have to think it.  It doesn't matter to me, he knows his box and is good to the other cats (and us).  That's all that really matters to me.  I witnessed him getting kicked in the head before I rescued him, so I know it happened. 

As it is, I had to pick up the bowl, put it in the food bin, lock the lid, wait a few seconds, open the lid (he's crying the whole time), and present him with the same bowl he couldn't find seconds earlier.  Once I did it that way he was fine and ate.  After he finished I put it up like I do. 

Torbie has finally gotten a taste for her senior formula.  I have to think that will help her overall health.  Baby Girl likes the 7 and up formula, and occasionally a bite of the senior formula. 

I need to check their water fountains (I like the noise it makes, and the cats love the water) and then do their litter boxes.  They prefer the box in front of my chair and I'd rather they use it anyway, that way I can see if someone is constipated, peeing a lot, or not urinating when they try. 

Baby Girl is so healthy it amazes me, but she does have some mats.  I got some out yesterday but I don't want to bug her everyday.  It is uncomfortable for her and I am vain enough to want her to like, or at least tolerate, me. 

Ron is fine today, for a change.  No pain, lying in bed reading a good book.  If he were like this every day no one would have to worry about me getting caregiver burnout. 

As it is, pretty much everyone who knows me well worries about that.  We need to figure out what we want to do tomorrow, we have a nice day off. 

I may just get a Walmart delivery, I need to think about that.  But so far so good, today. 

"As long as you take it every day"

I asked my doctor a question some years ago, about dosing on my medication.  He surprised me. 

"I don't care how you take it, or when.  Take it 4 times a day or all at once, morning or evening.  Just take it, every day". 

I wanted some energy this afternoon, so I could work out.  So I did not take my medication with dinner. 

Instead, I waited a few hours, had a good workout, and am now contemplating food.  Something I can consume with my medication.  I hate getting an upset stomach so I will think for a while yet. 

But it is nice to know the timing isn't as important as I thought.  I think Doc has so many patients go off the medication altogether he is just happy I am taking it consistently. 

I plan to get up at 5 AM tomorrow so I need to figure out my pill meal, for lack of a better term. 

Some notes about the cats, totally unrelated:
Biscuit now wants his food on the floor, like the other cats. 

Torbie is now preferentially eating the senior cat food (as I'd hoped when I bought it). 

Baby Girl has been glued to Ron ever since we got home from work.  I will point this out and remind him she is cuddlier when he's sober. 

Monday afternoon

I should probably talk about my approach to my diet. 

I have discovered some things about myself.  I prefer lean meats.  I prefer to get my fat from dairy products.  I like most vegetables but I don't eat them unless they are ready to eat.  Same with fruit.  If I have some bananas on the counter I will eat one with yogurt but I probably won't peel something or cut it up.  I like to taste grapes before I buy them.  I like buffets. 

So, this is what I do at a buffet: I focus on protein first.  For Ron I will get some pineapple and then the protein.  That is pretty much all he will eat.  His metabolism is so slow I have to make sure everything that goes into him is 100% what he needs. 

For me, I get some vegetables if they look good, then load on the protein.  Today I got 2 kinds of fish.  I will get some carbs if they look good but they don't dominate.  Then I sit down and eat with Ron. 

When I'm done with my food, I go for the dessert and get a few modest portions.  Sometimes literally all I want is a taste.  I am also limited by what I can eat.  I can't eat any chocolate, peanuts, or almonds. 

That's what I did today.  I got Ron some protein and he said it was too much.  I really wish he would take some supplement shakes.  He, of anyone, really needs them. 

We had a good meal, the driver who got us was punctual.  "The guy who is always late" picked us up on time for a change. 

While eating, we talked a little.  I explained it was unreasonable to go out and come home to find Ron passed out on the floor, that him getting wasted every night should not be a normal occasion, etc.  He agreed, said he would work on living a more temperate lifestyle (my take).  I was satisfied with that. 

I talked to him about wanting him to eat more protein and he said he was "full" and had a slow metabolism.  That is true.  I don't want him inflating, I can take care of him at 150 pounds but there's an upper limit. 

We talked about work and I wondered if the other vendors do that, too - always talk shop whenever they go out.  We planned tomorrow. 

I need to make a supply run.  The only person who can help us has a modest sized SUV.  That means there will not be room for inventory + wheelchair.  One has to suffer.  So Ron "can" stay home while I run, get the supplies, go to work and stock them.  Ron called, he is willing to help.  Good. 

Ron is happy to stay home.  I did tell him I expect him to be in a decent state when I get home, he agreed.  I think it is fair and reasonable to share my expectations. 

It won't take me long to do what needs done.  The other vendors take Tuesday and Thursday off so I will have the stockroom to myself.  A for instance, today, they kept putting their stuff in my area.  It was not done maliciously, but there's not a lot of room.  So they "use" mine.  I have learned some things are worth getting upset about but most are not. 

So I had a good early dinner.  We had a pretty good ride home. 

Ron went to bed.  He was able to move himself pretty well today.. 

I am giving my food time to digest so I can do my workout later.  I will do a warmup and then kettlebells.  I plan to start with the squats first.  It won't take long. 

I had planned to do it this morning but didn't sleep well so I have to do it tonight.  We will see if that affects my ability to sleep.  I didn't sleep well during my nap today, even with Torbie.   I think the workout is worth taking the chance. 

Monday morning

Another night of horrible sleep, not, I believe, due to Ron.  I am starting to point the finger at the new supplement I added, "Tart Cherry" - supposed to be good for joints and anyone who moves wants good joints.  It is supposed to help with sleep but I have some odd sort of reverse metabolism, where "downers" make me manic. 

So I switched to taking it in the morning, today, if it is the problem I fixed it. 

I dragged my butt out of bed, fed Biscuit, checked our pickup, over 2 hours away.  I went back to bed (no workout this morning) for an hour.  When I got up again Biscuit wanted second breakfast, which I gave him. 

At one point today I forgot I had left Torbie's food out and he got into it.  For some reason he just loves that senior formula.  He didn't touch Baby Girl's food.  The past has taught me a few bites won't hurt him, on occasion, as long as I am not intentionally giving it to him and snatch it up the minute I catch it.  Short version: I'm not going to kill him if he gets a bite, but I do everything to avoid it. 

I got Ron up, dressed, etc.  His foot was bothering him still.  I did get him agree to try acupuncture.  It will either work, or not.  I feel like we have to try everything that seems possible. 

And we live in a pretty heavily Asian area so a lot of options for us. 

We went to work, the machines were pretty tragic.  They still had a lot of what we had stocked, three days ago.  I was expecting much better sales.  Very discouraging, but, on the other hand, not a lot of stocking either. 

We stocked and made an inventory.  I got our delivery and stocked it.  We left and came home.  I had forgotten my cell phone but it didn't matter, except two people wanted to see cat photos.  Lucky for them they couldn't! 

We came home and I took a nap.  Ron gave me some money.  We are getting ready to go to a BBQ buffet restaurant.  Hopefully we have good trips. 

I talked to Ron, over the last couple days, about a couple of things: 1.  The importance of me getting my sleep.  2.  I think we need to go out on our days off so he doesn't just stay home and drink  and 3.  I think we should try acupuncture.   Overall good responses from Ron. 

I am hopeful about the acupuncture.  I think that could do some good for Ron, it is certainly an "energy channel" acting up with the pain in his foot (that is really back pain, referred).  It will work or not. 

If it works for Ron I might go for my headaches, although they have been much better on the herbs.  I'm just glad I figured out the Tart Cherry before I blew into a nasty mania and had to be hospitalized. 

Sunday Afternoon

I will admit I prefer to see myself as STRONG and a VICTOR.  I like to think of myself coming over the finish line, or deadlifting something heavy, battling my illness and finally coming out on top, etc.  That's how I like to see myself. 

Ron was pretty reasonable today.  I was actually able to talk to him for a change. 

I did my workout, I started slow as I was pretty sleep deprived, worked up to a good action in about 5 minutes, kept it going for 35 minutes total - very happy with my heart rate.  I finished that up, took a shower, shaved my legs, looking good.  Tomorrow I will likely get up very early to do Kettlebells, then shower, before work.  I do not want to shave my legs at 4 AM.  I just don't. 

Better to do it today, it takes a while for me to "grow in" now. 

I watched some TV, Ron got up, I told him I was taking a nap.  It took me a while to drop off but I did.  I slept pretty well but another headache!  Agh! 

Hate those headaches.  I drank a very cold Diet Mountain Dew (I actually have what I would consider "plenty" of Dew right now).  Ron was awake in the kitchen and asked for some.  I let him have a drink, then I gave him a can of lipton I bought yesterday.  He loves tea in a can. 

He said he loved me and I said we had to talk.  I explained it was totally unacceptable for him to keep me up all weekend, that I felt extended periods of time off "were a bad idea" for him.  He kind of went "yeah, yeah" he didn't say it but I could see him thinking it. 

I then told him it had been bad enough that it made me wonder if I would be able to stay with him.  That made him sit up.  I told him my mental and physical health are important to me and he needs to respect that by being quiet when I'm sleeping, NOT waking me up every couple of hours because he is bored. 

He said he was sorry (and meant it, for that moment in time), he didn't know it was that bad.  He told me I should just "reason with him until he understood".  I said it didn't work that way, when he was like that he was beyond reason.  The only way to stop it was to prevent it.  We were both very calm during the discussion. 

I broke it off and went in the computer room for a while.  He went out in the garage for another bottle of vodka.  I came back to make another drink and told him he could influence the outcome by what he put in his mouth.  "I understand you view alcohol as helping you.  It does not help me.  When you put too much alcohol in your body you harm me, and that needs to stop."  I told him it would stop, one way or another. 

If he is engaging in psych warfare of keeping me up all night for days on end I have NO problem walking out, and he knows that now.  That is pretty much all I can do for now. 

He was pretty soaked in his wheelchair by now so I took him to bed and got him in.  I am getting pretty good at that.  I would have no problem doing it if it were just a physical cause and not alcohol related.  I got him situated and left. 

I heard him talking to himself and he yelled NURSING HOME a couple of times in the process.  So, he did the equation.  If he runs me off it is the nursing home for him.  He can do very little to care for himself.  Some of that is failure to do physical therapy and exercise.  Some of that is inevitable deterioration from the back condition.  Some of that is the new stroke he probably had at the end of April, but refused to get checked out. 

From my understanding I would have to divorce him to place him in a nursing home.  Well, that would certainly put the punctuation on our relationship although I would still visit as long as he was decent to me, and I wouldn't remarry until he died. 

I can't say much but I can say Ron has screwed up our finances enough that I would have to "fix" that before even considering another man in my life; it wouldn't be fair to the new guy to take that on.  This also affects why I cannot apply for disability at this point.  I can't say more now. 

Sad I even have to go here.  I bet you never thought you would hear me say I might have to divorce him. 

Now, if I wanted to have a pity party

I could have a good one.  Let's start at disabled before birth and blessed with the family curse of mental illness, but not just bipolar, schizophrenia too.  You drive, I never will.  Ever. 

And I will end it there because I HATE whiners. 

I got some sleep last night, Ron woke me up every couple of hours, much like a large, demanding, baby.  He woke me up at 7 (I was pretty much alert, anyway) to help him put on his shorts.  First I got him into bed.  He was being a jerk and I told him. 

Why was I being mean to the poor cripple? 

I think I need to tell a story again.  Ron was born with glaucoma.  It was immediately apparent he was blind in one eye and the other didn't have much left.  So they sent him home to the ghetto with special instructions for his parents: "Don't let him cry, he will go blind faster". 

Cue SHAMELESS pampering, indulgence, etc.  He told me once his brother bought a candy bar with money he earned.  Ron wanted some and asked.   The brother (rightly) said no, this is MY candy.  Ron started crying and his mother took the candy, split it, and gave half to Ron.  They used to make his older brother break in Ron's shoes for him.

With a record like that it is easy to see why the siblings were so quick to dump him after the accident.  The longer we go the more I understand their motivations.  I used to think they were monsters and wrote a lot to that effect; I understand it was self-protection now. 

So, a complete, raging, narcissist.  As far as he is concerned the world DOES revolve around him, his wants, his needs.  In the meantime he underwent several eye operations.

One day his mother overheard him saying he had her "wrapped around his finger" and the discipline finally began.  But, by then, it was too late, in my opinion.  He cried of course, and went blind pretty fast. 

Better to have disciplined him from the start and had a decent human being.  That doctor has a lot to answer for. 

So Ron really does think, especially when drunk, that it's my job and duty to serve his every whim.  I told him none of it works like that.  "Why are you being so mean?" 

I reminded him, I told him yesterday, I would get manic, mean, and unpleasant if I were sleep deprived another night.  I told him he kept waking me up for stupid stuff like the shorts, and this was the result.  You bought this mood. 

Someone else in this family as a problem, and it's just as bad as yours.  Suck it up.  I got him into his shorts and into bed.  I gave him his cell phone. 

He was upset at me and said he was cancelling all our trips for the day.  He didn't make any, and I told him that. 

"Oh"

I left him sitting on his bed and came up here to work on the computer.  What did caregivers do before the internet? 

I just checked to see if he wanted food (I do have to feed him) and he said no.  The good news, for me, of late, and I'm taking this to heart: I can move Ron around.  I can get him out of wheelchair into bed and vice versa.  I can move him around in bed.  I can get him off the floor into wheelchair/bed.  I have the strength I need to do this, and I thank God for that. 

He was on the phone, hopefully making trips for tomorrow.  I just hope he is fit to work, tomorrow. 

I did my laundry yesterday so that's off the table.  I wash and air dry my workout clothes, I think it makes them last longer.  I was happy to note that I found another headband (total: 4) while cleaning up next to my bed.  I have a little more room over there now. 

Ron got his clothes back so he will be clean and presentable (one of those things I have to do, regardless, although one time I let him wear a filthy outfit when we went out because he was being such an UTTER asshole, not proud of it though).  I washed his socks.  He has a bad habit of wanting to wear the same sock over and over.  I just bought him a whole bunch of new socks (with his money) so there's no need for that.  I run at least one washer load a week and it is easy to throw something in there. 

I just have one big combo load.  I have color catchers if I have something I am unsure of.  Nicer underwear goes in a wash bag, basic stuff can go in the wash. 

Now, I do have a load of socks in the dryer, I need to put those in a bag and figure out where I'm putting them.  They are a Walmart brand sock and hopefully not discontinued soon.  I got rid of all my mismatched socks.  I am not so poor I need to keep them.  I have one nice set of Gildan socks, about 20 pair.  Now I have another 12 pair of the Walmart (I wanted to try them out before buying a lot).  They were great, I didn't think about them while wearing them and they didn't leave my feet weird when I took them off - sometimes my feet get clammy from some socks, like Smeagol, it is awful.  Not these. 

I think I will do some cleaning/purging.  I have an empty garbage can waiting to be used.  First, though, I'm going to do a workout.  Well, I'm going to get dressed and do a workout. 

I am hugely partial to wearing my bike shorts during virtually every workout.  They are super comfortable, don't bind or get in the way.  I can just GO. 

I have some microfiber t-shirts I wear with the bike shorts to complete my wardrobe.  I have basic Walmart sneakers that have done an incredible job with my damaged (now mostly healed) foot, I will definitely be buying more.   And like I just said I have plenty of socks. 

I had better get to it.  I will check and see if Ron made trips for tomorrow when he was on the phone earlier.  No trips currently booked.  Well, he's got time.  If he doesn't do it I will. 

I don't play games with work. 

One of my favorites, lately.