I had another nice nap with Biscuit today. 

 I try to focus on the positive.  Yes, Ron complained through the whole trip to Walmart, refused yet again to go to church, and lost the battery cover for his cell phone.  He keeps asking me if I "hid" it.  No. 

He went hunting under the fridge and found an insulin syringe.  Happily it did not have a needle on it.   But, ew. 

Ron never did find the cell phone battery cover.  It is doubtful they still make the cell phone.  He does have a backup so he can use that but he is pretty angry at himself. 

I was pretty angry at Ron: he made a big production out of telling me he would only have "one sip" (5 ounces, three servings) of vodka a night instead of "Two sips" (5 servings, or 10 ounces).  He made a big production out of asking me if he had been quiet last night.  I know that is a setup question but I answered him honestly, yes, as far as I know, last night, you were quiet. 

He triumphantly told me he'd had "One and a half" "sips" (4-5 servings) instead of "one", because "One didn't do the trick". 

I was Not Happy, but I didn't show it. 

And I am sick of writing about him drinking so onto something else. 

Biscuit.  We went to Walmart (Ron and I, not Biscuit and me).  I bought plenty of canned cat food for Biscuit, although I didn't get any more plates.  I feel I should have. 

I put the num-num (canned food) onto a disposable Styrofoam plate.   I let the cats eat off it, then throw it away and give them a new one about 12 hours later. 

Biscuit gets very excited if he sees me with a Styrofoam plate in my hand, let me tell you. 

So, I mainly got stuff for Biscuit, a little ice cream for me, etc.  Ron got cat treats and some trail mix. 

We came home with a nice driver we like a lot.  It wasn't "straight" but he is a very pleasant person. 

We came home and I took a nap for a couple of hours.  I didn't sleep well last night and didn't even get my shower this morning (it was my day off).  I slept for a couple of hours and woke up with Biscuit spooning me.  That was a really nice cuddle, I hated to get up. 

I finally did and took my shower, did my God Time finally. 

Ron wanted to go get burgers.  I got something off the value menu and he got the new special.  We had the same driver we had earlier, the nice guy, so we bought him a hamburger. 

We had a rare round trip, so he ate his burger in the cab while we ate our burgers at the table.  Nice!  Then we came home. 

#6 is having some people over but so far it's been quiet.

The cats are good. 

Ron asked me to watch a movie with him so I did.  It wasn't bad. 

For a while now, the last thing I have wanted to watch is a comedy and he's been begging me for weeks.  I finally watched it.  I did get a couple of laughs. 

Ron went to bed, I stayed up looking for sheets.  So far I have narrowed it down to these:
http://www.samsclub.com/sams/twin-sheet-set-325tc-true-white/prod14570569.ip  I like them in the gray. 

And you can't beat the price.  I also like organic cotton if possible because they use so many toxic sprays raising conventional cotton. 

Yes, the universe is going to melt and burn (2 Peter), but that doesn't mean we need to piss in the flowerbed. 

I try to be a good steward when I can. 

Portion control

Ron and I have chatted, off and on, about his blackout.  I kept it classy on my end and didn't get all shriek-y.   If I come on strong he won't hear me. 

Anyway, I made a couple of points. 

• I need my sleep.  Every night. 
• He degrades himself when he acts like this.  Does he really want to be the guy who did that?
• One day he is going to seriously hurt himself and I will have to call him an ambulance.  I know he loathes spectacles. 
• He needs to figure out his portion control, stop drinking altogether, or drink something like beer, where one can is one serving. 

He agreed with all my points.  He said he realizes he can't drink "as much" vodka as he thought he could, he even, on his own, mentioned that he is aware what he sees as one serving is actually a couple (I helped him measure one time). 

Why won't I give him an ultimatum?  A couple reasons, one, AA says if you're going to do that you need to be prepared to follow up.  I agree.  Second, I don't think we're quite at that point yet.  Third, the fact that I work with Ron vastly complicates things.  He can run the business without me (per the bylaws of his organization), but I cannot run the business without him.  And he cannot run the business without a trained, skilled, assistant.  One who can do heavy labor. 

So, if I leave, I'm taking the business with me, so to speak.  I told Ron I would help him train someone if he really wanted me out of his life but he said he would "give it all up and [go move into subsidized independent living senior housing].  That's a pretty big leap, and once all that is gone we can't get it back. 

So I'd have to be damned, 1000% sure, there is no hope at all before I make that move.  I'm not there yet. 

Even my aunt is skeptical.  "He gets better, he gets worse" she basically said "But he always gets worse". 

I believe, at the end of it, Ron does not want to be the guy who fell into the tub, who degraded himself and hurt me, who scared the cats while pushing the walker around (I was most angry about that, as you might expect). 

I believe Ron does not want to be "that guy".  I'd give up an ovary to get him on some good antidepressants. 

Navy, maybe

I got a good nap, I even woke up before the alarm. 

Ron wanted to go out to dinner, and God knows I felt I deserved a treat, so he called our driver and we went. 

I got a little queasy afterward, but some mint ice cream fixed me right up (I had it at home already).  The cats are good, I'm doing laundry, he is quiet and not drinking. 

He ate a big meal (another reason I went out with him) so he won't drink after that.  He likes to starve himself all day and then drink on an empty stomach. 

We have tomorrow off, that should be interesting. 

I just hope it will be boring. 

When I got up this morning I used one of my new bars of soap, which I like very much.  It was only about $3, too.  I will get a lot of use out of it for that $3. 

Last night I decided my cotton/poly sheets are miserably uncomfortable, and I will be looking to buy some quality cotton sheets instead.  I don't care about designers, I just want something in navy, maybe, 100% cotton and a decent thread count. 

I miss the old Wamsutta sheets we used to sell at a linen shop.  I worked there for about a year, but it's out of business now. 

The internet put most linen shops out of business. 

About the video

Someone mentioned why didn't I video Ron? 

Well, either he doesn't care, seems proud of how he acts.  "Yeah, you really pissed me off so you had it coming" "typa" thing, or he acts very shocked and remorseful, uses portion control for a day or so, and then forgets all about it. 

So I don't.  It just ends up as game playing either way so why bother taking up memory on my cell phone? 

A more level life

So, today.  Ron woke up, right after I cancelled his trip to work.  He was pissed.  He didn't go anyway but he was pissed "I" made the decision.  I heard a lot about that, via text, while I was working. 

I had a hair-raising ride to work, but I made it there alive and walking (I took a cab).  It wasn't cheap but we had to get our delivery. 

I let the business pay me back. 

I got to work and did it all in a couple of hours.  I took a break and Dr Pepper showed up with my delivery.  It was the nice guy.  He even stacked it for me.  I gave him a sandwich and a Dr Pepper. 

Before I left, I told Ron he can have a divorce if he hates me so much.  He was shocked.  "Ron" I told him "You just spent all night saying 'I hate you, bitch.'.  I can't live like that and you can't either."  We will see where that goes. 

Ron needs to know bad behavior will result in my leaving him, permanently.  I don't believe the Bible, or Jesus, would want me to stay in a patently abusive relationship that tears me down "On the regular" basis. 

During the wedding ceremony, he made a deal with God to value me and treat me with respect.  He has broken that contract.  I made the same deal with God, regarding him.  Some may say my blogs are too frank and "undress" him, but to that I say, if you don't want your shameful acts broadcast, don't act shamefully. 

I'm assuming he will do the "Let's talk, it was all your fault, admit it and everything will be fine".  I expect him to deflect his drinking with the fact that I dared to cancel his trip to work.  We'll see. 

I had a good day at work, it was pretty slow, and then I called our driver to take me home.  We stopped at Burger King and I got some chicken nuggets, and a couple of burgers for later (plain bacon cheeseburgers off the dollar menu).  They will keep well - ever tried to eat a leftover sandwich with lettuce?  Ugh! 

When I got home, Greg the handyman was in the driveway and the cats were loose in the house.  Ron let them out.  I rounded them up and put them back. 

Just now, Ron demanded Torbie (she is very comforting), so I plucked her out of my bedroom and delivered her to Ron.  At least he's getting his money's worth out of her surgery - in cuddles. 

Torbie laid on me all last night, I had a hell of a time sleeping.  I figured God decided cuddles were more needed than sleep. 

Greg is building the gate right now and that should make the homeowner's association very happy.  I just hope he can rig up some kind of lock so no one can get in without permission. 

About the cat food: yes, wet is "better".  Wet is primarily meat and cats are primarily meat eaters.  Dry food is meat + extenders.  They can be everything from high quality vegetables (the stuff we feed) to cheap cornmeal and animal fat.  Read a label, you'll see.  It is pretty awful, some of them. 

If I were getting a new cat I would feed wet only.  If I lived alone I would feed wet only. 

But, it depends on the cat.  Some cats hate wet food.  Some cats don't want good food, and instead want the cheap stuff in the purple bag (Bubba, the black cat in my photos).  He always looked sleek and gorgeous so clearly it worked for him.  I probably could have gotten another couple years out of him, though, if I could have gotten him to eat the quality stuff. 

But Bubba was as stubborn as I am.  He loved his Surf & Turf. 

So, I don't know what will happen today.  After Greg leaves I plan to try to get a nap.  I took  my medication early because it never hurts after a night of sleep deprivation. 

I just wish I could have a more level life. 

At least he put his pants on

So, what did I do? 

I got some money out of savings because I don't know where Ron's keeping the money to pay Dr Pepper.  IT may have been in his pant pocket and gotten peed on anyway. 

I picked up his cell phone and put it on the counter.  Our handyman can help him find it when he arrives. 

I cancelled Ron's paratransit trip because he's still drunk and therefore not allowed to ride anyway, assuming I could get him cleaned up.  I'd rather go to work myself than bring in a filthy, drunk, obnoxious vendor. 

Then I called myself a cab so I can get to work.  I have the money to pay him.

I locked up the cats in the bedroom so the handyman won't let them out.  That means I can get home OK. 

I sure don't want to lose a baby coming in the house.  I loaned my garage door remote to the handyman so he could get in today "while we were gone" - supposed to be.  Ron's going to be quite the surprise, there. 

At least he put his pants on. 

Another blackout

8 PM
I went to bed around 6, and for once I fell asleep on time. 

I was awakened at 7:30 by Ron, screaming curses.  He has peed on the floor, twice.  I don't know what he did to the bathtub. 

He threw his phone under the fridge, and I'm not going to help him find it.  He took his pants off, fell down repeatedly, and has been demanding a "dialogue" with me. 

He has called me all kinds of names, primarily "bitch" and his old favorite "broken piece of shit".  He kept going on for a while about how I was so "superior" (I kept him from going outside, naked, and letting the cats out.  I was also verbally directing him to the bathroom). 

He has screamed "I hate you" endlessly for a good 10 minutes, and said, in his own drunken way, that I may think it is because he's drunk but he truly, deeply, "hates" me.  He said he feels trapped (!) and wishes we had "some other way".  Don't we both. 

He is also "entitled" to have an affair because I am fat.  No man, apparently, wants to have sex with a fat woman, which I believe would be quite a shock to millions of women worldwide. 

2 AM
He kept me up most of the night screaming periodic profanities at me.  He is going to be as tired as I am, today. 

I was creeped out at one point when he sat on the walker outside my bedroom, muttering "Are you asleep, bitch?"  He muttered "Bitch" very quietly, again and again.  It was really disturbing, more than the outright screaming. 

I kept wondering if he was going to come after me somehow, and that was a new one. 

What a night.