Backfired

I'm going to complain a bit. 

Yesterday I woke up at 3 AM to get a delivery.  I had to do heavy manual labor, with a cold. 

I took a Benadryl (first generation antihistamine) because my symptoms include a runny nose, mild fever, and congestion.  I took it about 7 PM. 

I went to bed around 9, because the neighbors had one of their gatherings with the people in the yard singing and all.  They can't rent a hall?  Yesterday, when we were leaving, I counted 2 other neighbors also leaving at 4 AM.  Which means we all need to go to bed early.  Anyway. 

They left, I went to bed.  And I realized, my medication had backfired and made me manic.  I COULD NOT sleep.  I had to get up, I did my God Time, I read a book, but I could not sleep.  I started sneezing (another symptom) about the time I started getting tired, around 12.  My liver had cleared the antihistamine, I went to bed, and slept. 

But I had to get up at 7 today.  Now, it was very nice to sleep in until 7.  It was lovely.  Normally I'm getting up 4-5 AM.  Sometimes 2. 

We went to the warehouse, in the cold and rain.  I got our supplies, and had to load and unload in the cold and rain.  With a cold and not enough sleep.  And I started my period. 

Done complaining. 

Once we got to work I found denuded vending machines.  I got to work.  We had so much work we had to reschedule our ride to give us additional 2 hours. 

Ron, happily, didn't need much help.  We worked our asses off. 

I tell you, I know I am getting enough exertion.  My legs and back were tired. 

If I went to a gym I would be interested in doing that upper body workout where you move the ropes, drumming them, basically?  My triceps in particular are pretty flabby. 

I blew my nose repeatedly, into tissues (at home I use a hanky), tossed the tissue, and then washed my hands, every time.  I also covered my mouth the couple times I did sneeze, but I'm not too worried. 

I found 2 empty packets of cold & flu remedies near my vending machines, and heard plenty of people sniffling and coughing.  I have a lot of close contact with my customers, so it's inevitable.  Ron isn't sick yet so I assume he is immune to this. 

Oh, I'm tired.  I am really thinking about going to bed early tonight. 

Am I petty today?

I have a full blown head cold. 

When I was a kid, we had "head colds" and "chest colds" (bronchitis).  Neither went to a doctor, an attitude I support. 

If it's a virus, Doc can't do anything for it. 

Anyway, lying in bed at 4 AM, just TOO depressing to think about getting up, taking my shower, doing my God time.  I went back to sleep for another hour and hit the snooze a couple times. 

I think Biscuit was worried I wouldn't have time to feed him!  I did. 

We went to work.  Our soda delivery came around 8:30.  The Dock Expeditor was shouting at me to move the truck because "He needed it for express mail".  As it turns out, during the entire delivery the area remained clear.  He didn't need it at all.  If I were petty, I would say I hope the next vending machine rips him off. 

I haven't decided if I'm petty today. 

Anyway, I helped.  We got it all put up and then I helped Ron stock.  We have everything go in a sequence, so Ron knows, Diet Dr, regular Dr, Big Red, orange, etc.  He was stocking stuff before I had even put it all away. 

My cold had me uncomfortable but not miserable. 

A lot better than last week and that bladder infection! 

I try to stay positive, even when I'm depressed.  I slept pretty good, too, considering. 

We came home.  I do feel bad about my drivers, but for all I know, one of them gave this to me.  My only other option: riding the bus, and exposing even more people to my cold. 

I ate a small snack, shared my cheese with Biscuit and Gravy (they are cheese-heads), and went to bed for a couple hours.  I slept as long as I could, my immune (and yours) system is most active when I'm sleeping. 

I am trying to eat a lot of protein as well, and avoid sugar.  I don't have much of an appetite which is pretty standard for me, sick.

Ron and I went out for hamburgers last night.  I mentioned my possible entry into a CNA/Home health aide program.  He loved it. 

Good to know I will have his support, if he balks on accommodating the hours I need for school I won't be able to manage.   

The Ick

Tossing and turning all last night, unable to fall asleep.  I finally caught a few hours only to be awakened by my alarm, and a nasty sore throat.  Great.  The "ick" got me. 

The "ick" has been making the rounds here for about a month.  Sore throat, nasty cough, congestion, etc. 

I do not.  Need.  The.  Ick.  I just got over the bladder infection! 

I know some of it goes to mood, I've never read a study but I am sure my immunity's down when I'm depressed.  The good news, I have been taking antibiotics and all the herbal supplements I feel help.  So, not much to do on that account except add some whey (protein) for added immunity. 

I tend to run deficient in protein and iron, unless I make a special point of getting both. 

I just felt like: really?  I already had to get up early, now this. 

I did enjoy two cats in the bed last night.  They were very sweet.  Biscuit hogged the foot of the bed, and Torbie slept next to my pillow.  I love that so much. 

It seems only the very old cats (Frosty, Bubba, now Torbie) will do this, but I find it incredibly comforting and soothing.  I always have much better dreams, too. 

I took my shower and did my God Time later.  I dressed and we left for work.  We had a straight trip. 

I didn't have a lot of stocking to do, but I did what I could.  Our primary goal was the soda delivery.  I waited for hours. 

Imagine how I felt when I found out Ron screwed up making the order (I'd say it's about half his fault, half the company), and we would have to go in tomorrow.  Already exhausted, I was facing another bad night's sleep.  My throat hurt.  I was tired, and Not Happy. 

I corked it.  It wouldn't do any good to unload all over Ron, who was busy shouting into the sales rep's voicemail. 

Ron had put the ride on hold, so he took it off and we got home an hour before we would have (had we not done this).  So, I did get that.  And I got a 3 hour nap before the kids next door decided to play right outside my bedroom. 

Another accomplishment, you know when you suddenly encounter someone, and you have an automatic reaction?  It just comes out? 

For a very long time, I presented a lot of hostility (understandable) toward the man who ran over Ron.  Today, I bumped into him while getting a repairman and greeted him with honest delight.  I was so happy about that. 

I've gone from wanting to commit felonies against him, to feeling friendly.  All in all, he's the other victim in the accident. 

The anniversary for that rascal is coming up in a few days.  It's always an odd day for me.  Ron doesn't care, I think because he was unconscious during the worst of it, and head-injury-demented for months afterward.  By the time he came back to himself, things were pretty fine. 

Well, as fine as they get around here. 

In the mix

If we hadn't gone to work, the machines would have been empty, 3 of them would have been out of order too, and we would have had to throw out a lot of sandwiches tomorrow. 

Ron gave me a hard time about "wanting" to go to work today, but I told him "We need to at least look".  I also told him we needed at least a couple hours to manage things if we did have business (that worked well, seriously). 

I got up at 5 AM.  I got a decent amount of sleep but I kept waking up to pee.  I'm a little tired of that. 

My hands stopped shaking, mostly, but did act up when I was working on the vending machines. 

I got my shower and my God Time, feeling pretty good. 

We went to work, the machines were as I said.  I got to work.  Two vending machines ate a dollar bill - I don't know why people put limp, wrinkled, bills into the vending machine.  They just lose the dollar, don't get anything, and shut the machine down for everyone else.  The third machine had a coin jam.  I was baffled because I couldn't find it, but the unit and the computer were both telling me I had one.  I finally opened it up at the top, where it "never" jams, and sure enough the coins fell through.  Glad that was a quick fix.  Not ashamed to say I prayed over that one, and that's where my hands were shaking, too. 

I was busy stocking my items, Ron was demanding.  He didn't curse me out, but I just felt an overall attitude of extreme disrespect. 

He's so negative, and toxic.  I get he may not be very appreciative; but alternately, you don't shout at me all day, make an appreciative comment, and cancel out all the abuse. 

I don't know what he needs but I know I'm not the one who can fix him.  He has to hear what God has to say to him.  Until he reaches that point, he can't do anything. 

I just have to try to protect myself, which means tuning him out, a lot.  Then he wonders why I "never listen" and "am busy all the time". 

It's a mess only God can fix.  We have to get up early tomorrow (2 AM) for a soda delivery, I get to put it away, and do everything I did today all over again. 

If I had known Ron would become an alcoholic I never would have married him.  I never would have quit my career to work for him. 

I am now considering getting some vocational training as a CNA (nurse aide) or Home Health Aide ("Helper") just so I have a backup.  I feel a need to ensure I can support myself. 

I've been out of the office/accounting game for so long I doubt I could get back.  Food service = atrocious hours and no real pay unless you have a degree, and I don't have time for that. 

However, as my Facebook proves every day, people need help with their aging and disabled loved ones.  THAT, I know.  I have seen enough "helpers" riding Metrolift to know they aren't required to drive, either. 

Of course I will be praying on it but it's in the mix. 

I won't

I slept pretty good last night, considering I woke up a couple times to pee. 

I'm getting there. 

I got up, did my shower and God Time.  The rest of the day was pretty horrific. 

Ron spent most of the day shouting at me, accusing me of "trying to be perfect" etc.  Have I ever come off that way here?  If anything, this whole blog is about exploring my imperfections.  I was thinking today what a bad idea it was to put all the bills in Ron's name.  He did it, I didn't, but now if I ever need to move out I have a blank slate, not a good thing creditwise (except for an old hospital bill I did pay over a course of years). 

We went to Walmart, then we went home.  He only wanted an hour instead of 1:45 the paratransit company had "gifted" us, so he called someone, and paid them, to make it an hour by picking us up and driving us home.  I had told him I was fine with the longer period of time, in fact I prefer to have more time, but Ron only wants to spend an hour at Walmart, so that's all we do, because he controls transportation.  Then he shouted at me for "deceiving" him. How could he hear me, he was so busy having a tantrum he couldn't hear anything I said.  He kept yelling "I only wanted an HOUR!". 

I was thinking today he is very controlling.  He told me he was fine with me cutting my hair short, twice, then both times said "Well, I really like it long".  Why not just tell me before I cut it? 

He yells at me about my weight - harangues me, and then wonders why I don't want to go out to eat, primary activity #2 (aside from drinking).  He has over two decades of horrific blackouts, then a 5 year tantrum (still ongoing) because I refuse to be involved in buying him alcohol. 

Then he does stupid tricks like trying to use my abusive past against me, in below the belt fashion.  But he can't remember the details so it becomes comical. 

He gets obsessed with stupid, irrelevant, theological details, pouts, and tantrums at God because He's coming back on His schedule, not  Ron's.  Ron doesn't like anything in his life to revolve around anyone, or anything, else. 

Some of it is the head injury, it just amplifies everything.  The rest is just Ron being a very selfish man. 

Funny thing, when I controlled the finances and paid all the bills, he was sweet and supportive.  He couldn't have been nicer, except for nagging me to give him money and whining about being alone all day.  And listening to the telephone dating line. 

Now he's having a tantrum because he got some food stuck in his throat and I didn't freak out.  "If you can talk" I told him "You're not choking".  Now he's going into the "You'll miss me when I'm dead" routine. 

If he keeps it up, I WON'T. 

In fact, he keeps going on about how he's going to die, I'll miss him when he's dead, I'll be happy when he's dead, etc.  He knows I hate him, he's only ever told me "the truth about how you are" etc. 

How deluded! 

I told him, if he was thinking about suicide, that would be a very bad idea because God has a way of having people survive attempts, but with more physical problems.  He muttered agreement, but if he keeps this crap up I'm going to put my jeans on and call an ambulance.  Maybe a couple days downtown, a forced dry out, and the initiation of antidepressants would do him some good. 

"I think I overdosed"

I almost forgot the exciting part of my New Years. 

Ron has a system for taking medication: he has a digital recorder and records every time he takes his medication.  For whatever reason, he heard 6:30 PM as 2:30 PM, and took an additional dose of XS Tylenol. 

He brought me the bottle "How often do I take it?"  "Every 6 hours". 

"I took two doses in a 2 hour period.  Am I going to die?"  Probably not, I figured, but we should call poison control.  "No" he replied "I don't want to do that."  We should go to the hospital, then.  "No, I don't want to do that.".  What DO you want to do?  "Just wait and see if I get sick" He replied. 

I did enough research to determine over 4 grams a day was "bad" and he had only had 3 so far that day.  I didn't tell him that, but continued to encourage him to call poison control or go to the hospital.  He kept refusing. 

He wanted a drink.  I talked him out of that, explaining rather sharply: the medication has bad liver interactions with alcohol at NORMAL doses, much less overdoses.  He reluctantly agreed to abstain, while laughing at me. 

I didn't think it was funny.  He has no idea what he could have done to himself.  He snored all night, so when I woke up I at least knew he was alive.  He kept asking me where his liver was in case it started to hurt, and I told him.  He had no pain. 

I can't think of anything I can to do prevent something like this in the future.  It was an accident.  Ron was not having a blackout.  It could happen again.  It could happen to me, theoretically, although I use my pill organizer.  From what I have read, though, an extra dose wouldn't hurt me much.  I am taking far less than maximum doses on all my medications. 

Anyway, that was my shock and horror on New Year's eve.  Not at all what I wanted but at least Ron seems to be OK. 

Storage unit

Wednesday I had off.  I had been reading in one of my natural medicine books and come across "potassium citrate".  It looked very promising, pain relief, infection control, over the counter? 

I recalled seeing some kind of bottles of "citrate" at the drugstore.  I figured odds were good I could find it a couple miles down the road. 

I did my God Time, took a shower, and headed out the door, my hair still wet.  It was pretty cold but not overly so. 

I headed to the bus stop and waited for a while, about 20 minutes, before my ride arrived.  I disembarked at my stop and walked past a nice dormant vacant lot.  It was very pretty, in a dead winter way. 

I got to the drugstore.  I quickly found magnesium citrate, which is apparently a laxative.  I can't imagine anything worse than using a laxative during a bladder infection.  I couldn't find any potassium citrate, and the pharmacy tech was "busy" with a pretty girl.  I got a few snack foods, the magnesium (maybe I got it wrong) citrate, and some diet decaf soda. 

I went to the supermarket drug store.  The haughty pharmacist kept telling me it was in the vitamins.  No, it wasn't, and it is prescribed so he was wrong! 

Most Nigerians are awesome, but I have met a lot of very haughty Igbo (a tribe).  He was Igbo. 

Frustrating.  I got some herbal teas and went to McDonald's, bought some hamburgers to go.  While I was in line one employee was yelling about the empty soap dispenser.  I was called to the register. 

"By the way" I grinned "I'm with the health department."  Her face collapsed in an interesting fashion.  I laughed, so did she.  Health department rules say you always have to have soap in all dispensers, and they usually visit during a rush like I did. 

I got my food, and lived, eating the burgers, so clearly OK. 

I went back home, ate my burgers, and took my meds.  I keep getting confused on whether I have taken my antibiotic yet.  I have had to take it out and count it, more than once. 

So, I put the antibiotics and the other medication in my pills-of-the-week organizer.  It's pretty full now. 

I also did some research on potassium citrate, found it is usually prescribed, but small doses are available over the counter.  I will try that. 

I was also told D-Mannose is a very good supplement for bladder infections.  When "Sara" and I met, she was having a pretty rough life.  She stayed with us for about a month and we taught her some beginning computers. 

She didn't tell Ron - or he didn't tell me, she had a debilitating disability and was not on benefits.  We eventually had to ask her to move out before the landlord threw all 3 of us out in the gutter. 

Anyway, she moved on, had a child, got married, had more kids, picked up a stepdaughter along the way.  She divorced and started her own business. 

She has done far better than I hoped.  She is mature and some would say "too" responsible, taking on challenges that would send "normal" screaming.  Anyway, one of her daughters has bladder trouble and she advised it. 

I did some research (I always do) and it seems legit.  I ordered some. 

I had a horrifyingly high total on my vitamin order.  I still get a little dizzy when I think about it. 

Here's another odd note, I have been crying.  At commercials, at movies.... I don't know whether it is God giving me a more sensitive heart, whacked out brain chemicals, or what.  I find it mildly embarrassing. 

What else?  Well, that was it for Wednesday. 

Yesterday I had to get up early, shower, and go to the warehouse.  Ron wanted more supplies.  He didn't tell me he didn't have a list, he just cobbled something together on the way.  So, in my opinion, we ended up with stuff we didn't need. 

I also had a lot of inventory loaded onto both carts (remember I only have about 30 square feet of storage), which I had to move to load the new inventory.  Not the best supply run. 

Oh, and the driver almost went off the road, trying to unwrap a cough drop, scaring the crap out of me.  Why is it so hard to wait until you are at a red light?  He gets very distracted, weaves all over the road trying to grab his cell phone or get a cough drop, and probably wonders why I don't ride with him much outside of work. 

I don't worry about him killing us.  I do worry about him mangling me in some wreck and now I can't work for half a year. 

We even asked him to increase his liability offering on his insurance and he said no. 

Ugh. 

Then I had to get everything into the building and everything stocked.  I wasn't too original in the pastry offerings but at least they are stocked. 

Since Snack #3 continues to have the "Won't give a nickel's change" glitch, literally holding back the nickel and saying ".05 Credit".  People get so mad about that.  They don't want anyone else to get the nickel. 

It's just a nickel.  You don't have to use the machine.  I always pay it back. 

Anyway, I have fixed it.  Many people put in 75 cents to buy the 70 cent bag of chips.  They don't get their change, sometimes, with #3.  Answer, don't sell 70 cent items, sell cookies instead, 75 cents.  You put in 75 cents, you get your 75 cent item and no change required. 

Trust me, I have had many repairman consultations.  When they are stumped you know it is bad. 

It's a little odd, people expect chips, but the other two machines are full of chips with very few cookie selections.  I think it balances well. 

I got it all stocked and we went to the bank.  That took a while, then we went home. 

Well, I did.  Ron went to buy more liquor.  I reminded him the rectal bleeding stopped when he stopped drinking the apple whiskey.  He concurred, but bought some anyway, so I may anticipate seeing more blood in the bathroom trash can. 

I tried to take a nap but they were pretty loud bringing the liquor.  Now, I get it.  Humanity, in general, doesn't care if I get a nap.  They don't give a flying shit about my fatigue.  I just wish I could impute a couple of days in my head, to them.  It would be a very different outcome. 

After Ron got his alcohol in the house, and the driver left (same guy), I did get some sleep for a while. 

I was worried #6 might have another party.  The "refugee tents" of awnings topped with black plastic had fallen down and been taken away, but Wednesday he was out there "fixing" the plastic and hammering it into the patio cover.  He clearly has future plans.  It makes very annoying flapping noises but it's not the first time he did something like this.  Years ago, he rigged up something with blue plastic tarps all over the patio, then never even used it.  He left that up for half a year, at least.  I had to learn to sleep with that racket, so I can learn to deal with this. 

It's just inconsiderate, which is a pretty common theme with him.  Happily, around 6, they packed up and left. 

The other neighbors only really act up on the 4th of July, and New Years.  They put on quite the show with things exploding all around for hours.  Then, the other 364 days (leap year), they are quiet. 

Either way, I needed that nap, which I did get.  I got up and ordered a pizza, then watched Lord of the Rings for a couple of hours.  I got really tired and tried to go back to bed, but the constant war zone racket woke me up around 10:30.  I stayed up until about 1, when things started to taper off, and went to bed. 

I woke up early but was able to force myself back to sleep until 8.  I did my God Time and watched some Supernatural, incredibly depressed.  I finally went back to bed around 10 and woke up around noon.  I watched the end of "Journey to the Center of the Earth", avoided "Spider man" and am now watching a Weather Channel series for lack of anything better to do. 

Depression is still pretty bad, but I am getting tired of the front room.  I may attempt some organization.  Right now I feel like I live in a storage unit.