I didn't know. When I was a teenager they never talked about about domestic violence, and different forms of abuse.
What the abuser does, is test you when they first meet you, can they turn a no into a yes? That means they don't have to respect your wishes. It can be very subtle (See Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear" for more).
Ron also tested me with stories of his past. He drank to blackouts, in the past. How did I react? He hit a woman once during a blackout (but it wasn't really him, he would never do that sober).
No one ever said "If they'll hit a woman drunk he'll do it sober". He ex had left him, as she was leaving he "helped carry down her boom box" after shorting it out so it wouldn't work. His ex then got a restraining order as he kept calling "So I could understand". She "tricked the judge into believing I was beating her" His take? "She would attack me and I would defend myself". Knowing Ron he probably made very provoking comments. "Even my doctor said I was beating her up" After he moved on "I dated a lot, and borrowed $1,000 from one of them, but I couldn't pay her back so she took me to court".
So many red flags, even more I won't mention. He kept saying it was "all in the past and he didn't drink anymore".
You can imagine my horror when, my miniscule savings account in hand, I moved in with him and one of his first shopping trips was Liquor Barn. He had his first blackout about 6 months later. It never got better from that point.
Anyway, there are different types of abuse, not just striking someone. I'll get into what I experienced.
Physical: for some reason, on several occasions he bit me on my arms, and one occasion my legs (this was not romantic in any way). He also liked choking me. He slapped me several times. On one occasion, I slapped him back.
Financial: He discouraged me from getting any training/schooling for a very long time (until he met a woman from work who later dumped him after seeing his true colors) so I couldn't make much money. I had an interview call me with a job offer Ron never told me about. When I went to work for him, he controlled ALL the money and paid me a small allowance. I did not give him access to what I did have, and did my best to have a small "escape fund" if needed. My problem ,working for him I didn't have a fresh, reliable, work history. No one in the Blind Vendor Program would have had my back if I left him.
Legal: I was told Ron would be terminated from the program if I ever pressed domestic violence charges on him, this while I was walking around black and blue from one of his attacks. I would have lost my job , my home, my cats if I'd sought justice. His consultant knew what was going on, didn't care as long as the building host was happy and didn't call headquarters.
Communication: He did not want me to get a cell phone. When I did he demanded the passcode so he could "check your voicemail now and then you know you are terrible at that". He would "forget" to pay the bill and get it cut off until I put it in my own name.
Transportation: He encouraged my anxiety issues about riding the bus and controlled my transportation. I only went where he wanted me to go.
He did not want me online but had to way to prevent that, as I needed to file "the monthly report" online, and the sales tax, in addition to doing some ordering and email.
He once told me "I know I'll get into big trouble if I ever get online so please be my gatekeeper" and I did that. His computer did not get online. So I had this outlet.
When he found out I was attending Al Anon he got very upset, tried the pitiful thing "I'm not that bad am I? " The other women were talking about the guy just drinking a lot with no abuse, and they all left the guys and took him to the cleaner during the divorce. Ron would have been very upset to hear that.
After we had been living together for a while I asked about getting married. He said marriage was a weapon that women used on men to "hurt them when they screwed up". I should have run like hell! Basically that if we lived together he could throw me out in the street with no repercussions but if we were married I had "rights". But he usually said he would lose money on his disability check even after the business was making money.
So, a lot of red flags, looking back. But I was a kid, I had brain damage, I was a romantic. I had no idea what I was in for.
Spiritual abuse: he would mock my faith relentlessly, and then say things like "But don't lose your faith or I'll get in trouble with God". If he found out I was praying or doing Bible study he would do these long rants/diatriabes about God being "unfair' basically.
He also made it a point to isolate me from people who cared about me.
That's it for now!
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