Mine is better...

We're all guilty of comparing ourselves to others. I know I do it.

I often post on message boards, in threads with a "support" theme. Two "threads" I read recently touched on some sensitivity for me.

The first topic was antidepressants - always a hot topic. Does anyone need them? Who needs them? How long should you take them? Is it possible to avoid the use of an anti-d by controlling your diet and taking supplements?

I tend to detect a slight tinge of "I guess I'm better than you, because my depression was JUST TERRIBLE and I was able to control it by adding broccoli to my diet." Or they talk about bad side effects or the horrors of withdrawal, with a strong attitude (to me, again) of "If you really had it together you woudln't need this pharmaceutical crutch".

I thank God that my illness is so severe. I know, that, unmedicated, I will have a full blown psychotic break. I will hallucinate. I will have delusions and paranoia. I recall one obsession with building a fallout shelter in my home. I was obsessed with the impending terrorist attack, and had a very difficult time restraining myself from literally building a wall of stockpiled food and water to create a "safe room". Just one example.

Another, my desperate husband on his cell phone, talking to a social worker from Adult Protective Services. "Get me a nursing home. All I need is a bed and a toilet" - I was so violatile he was desperate to escape. I don't blame him, I'd have fled too.

Or the time I locked up all the knives and medications, I was that obsessed with harming myself. I wouldn't even walk on the overpass because I was obsessed with jumping.

For me, I have no choice. I must take medication - antipsychotics, antidepressants, and mood stabilizers. I feel I am probably somewhat unusual in talking so freely about my illness, even though I have IDIOTS who tell me I need to fast and pray, go off the medication, and my faith is lacking, that's why God won't heal me.

God needs me LIKE THIS. I accept that, I don't see why others have such a hard time with it. It's my life, I'll manage it the way I see fit. Faith in God, and medication, works quite well for me. Why mess with a winning team?

Now that my Risperdal's gone generic I save even more money, it's only $20 a month as opposed to $140. Lithium's always cheap, because it's a naturally occuring mineral. Lexapro? Not bad, about $20 a month also. Like I said, a winning team.

I'm very open about my illness and try to destigmatize it as much as possible. I really believe that diabetes and depression should be treated the same, but it's not. People with admitted mental illness are viewed as unstable and dangerous. People with mental illness, who are unmedicated, ARE. However, it's a huge difference between an unmedicated person with bipolar disorder, wreaking havoc everywhere they go, and a properly medicated, responsible individual.

My family saw me at my worst, growing up... well, nearly my worst. Ron saw me at my worst and still says he loves me - amazing. Anyway, we have a reunion cruise coming up in a few months. What a pleasant surprise I'll be to them. A whole different person.

I know Mom and Dad look forward to my calls (I am told this often) rather than dread them. They never said that, but I imagine they did. I was pretty awful to Mom in particular.

Onto my second subject, the infamous cheat day. Some low carbers advocate a cheat day, and act like "I don't have a problem eating off plan, YOU have a willpower problem if you can't get back on plan". I've decided that if I'm an addict, and I'm a sugar and carb addict, then I need to treat the illness as such and abstain from eating bad foods.

Rarely, I slip, and I immediately resume my normal habits, but I'd rather not slip at all. One item I will never touch is SUGAR. I'd rather get a migraine from eating sugar alcohols, or not eat sweets at all, than eat sugar. It's a very dangerous substance.

A study was done years ago that conclusively proved that sugar is more addictive than heroin. Imagine that!

I admire people who can beat depression without medication. I feel sorry for them, I feel they are making things harder than they need to be, but that's my opinion. They've got theirs, I've got mine.

I am a wonderful person who needs medication to run properly. That's fine! I need it. I need it just like a heart patient needs their medication, and it would be just as stupid for me to try to "prove" something by going unmedicated. I accept it, and I do my best not to resent people who tell me I am weak for taking my medication.

I am a person who knows her own body, per my doctor, thank you. I know that I have addiction issues with carbohydrates and I need to avoid certain forms of carbohydrate in order to run properly. Sugar, for instance, is mood poison. It makes everything worse.

If someone else can eat sugar and bad things occasionally with no repercussions, that's fine. Good for them. But don't tell me I am weak because I'd get readdicted. This is my body, and my way of eating. I'll manage my own body the way I see fit.

I've done a good job so far.