Last night I had a series of worst case scenario nightmares, all featuring Bad Things happening to Ron. It was exhausting. I feel like I need another 8 hours.
"Why is it" I said on Facebook "I will tell anyone about the hallucinations and mood swings, but hide the anxiety like a porn addiction?" Good question.
Maybe it's just living with Ron. He has some kind of depressive disorder. No one is that negative all the time, that depressed, without a brain chemistry issue at play. I dearly wish I could get him diagnosed and medicated, not so he would "shut up" but because I don't like to see anyone suffer, much less my husband.
The cats are good, Biscuit greeted me when I woke up this morning, smelling my nose and meowing cutely. When I got up I gave him his can of food. My vet will be so happy, she wants them on canned food.
Of course, if you've ever read the label on a can of cat food, you'd doubt the wisdom of that! "You want me to feed him that?" And I feed a good brand (Fancy Feast).
We have today off. I need to buy some things online for the business, and Ron wants to buy a HD antenna. His goal is to buy inexpensive small TV's and pair them with the antennas, then fire the cable company. I'm all for saving money.
"I'm not married" I told him "To any one program". That's true. I'd miss my internet far more than I'd miss my cable.
I only regret I'll have to give up my old, low-def, TV. I get very attached to things. That's a mixed blessing, but I'm very fond of it. We've had many good hours watching shows together.
I also worry if I'll have the brains to set the things up. Things are different, medicated. Having just had paranoid fantasies of job hunting after Ron's death, fantasies running for hours, I'll stop there. I wouldn't want to scare an employer.
Needless to say, I wouldn't aim for "top of the class" type jobs. I would go for basic service jobs and maybe some part time accounting assistant work. After all, I do help Ron with the accounting. I'm good at that.
I also think I'd make a good caregiver.
Anyway, hopefully this will work. I am fine with the changes. I'm the one who got Ron to kill the landline phone, years ago, and he's never missed it.
Yesterday Ron forgot his phone and was beating himself viciously all day long. I'm glad, I told him, you forgot it and not me. I'd hate to have that pointed at me all day. He has, on occasion.
It was simple to fix, I called Sandwich Guy and told him to call me, then confirmed the delivery time. Later on, I called paratransit and confirmed our pickup time. Everyone was very nice and probably a little curious to hear what I sounded like. Ron spends a lot of time on the phone with paratransit.
That was all. No big deal, to me, but Ron found it a major issue and kept telling me how he was going to fix it.
Funny fact, he made a big point - does every day - of reminding me to make sure I had my keys, badge, and phone.
I carry a huge ring of keys that reminds me of some kind of warden. I wear my phone in a belt holster, and the badge goes in a neck wallet. I wear everything, basically. It works for me.
I have found the simple methods work best. If it's on me, I can't forget it.
I also carry my bus pass in the wallet, I have about a $20 credit on it, which, with my discount, is probably a month of service. Ron once got very ugly and refused to take me home, and I had to beg him for bus fare. That's not the kind of thing you forget. I won't put myself in that position again, ever. Funny thing, though, they rode him around and I got home before he did. He was pretty irked.
God does have a sense of humor, let me tell you. :)
So, if I know he has tendencies, I can work to protect myself. Should do that.
I have some issues with the Bible at times, it tells me to submit to Ron as a spiritual leader, but he's not. He is very negative and calls my faith "a waste of time". Clearly, if I went along with that, I would hurt myself. I prayed about it and God told me to treat him as the "unbelieving husband". If he wants to live with me, do it, and if we separate don't remarry. Ron won't be throwing me out so it's my job to protect myself from abuse, guard my faith as a valuable asset, and try to have a good witness.
Like at work, the other day. I didn't shout back and call him names. I just walked away. People saw that. They know what they would do in that situation. People know I am a woman of faith, after Ron's accident ALL I wanted was prayer.
Hopefully, I make a small impact. If I do, it's just God using me.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Slept like a baby
"I slept like a baby" I told Ron "'Up every two hours". Ugh. I blame the caffeine laden headache pills.
I dragged my butt out of bed half an hour before our pickup and did the bare essentials. We went to work. I did what I'd come to do.
However, it was easier. This time, they delivered our sandwiches in a box, instead of on a rack. The rack is very bulky and inconvenient, and hit Ron in the head last week (it fell). This time, I could stock and simply throw the box away. So. Much. Better.
I do think we need to cut the order back. We have an awful lot of sandwiches.
I drank a fair amount of caffeine but it didn't seem to affect me much.
After work (Ron wasn't abusive, but he was very gloomy and negative, has been, all day), we went to Walmart.
Going to the work, we had a "shared ride" of over an hour transit. Going to Walmart, same thing. We discussed the fare change policy and I said "Basically, all the nice neighborhoods will cost you two tickets ($2.50), all the ghetto you can ride with your pass or one ticket." The driver got that.
The company has issued brochures, clearly explaining the policy. If your location is on or near a bus line, you spend one ticket or use your pass. If it is not, then you have to use two tickets. There's a guy at work who rides, and I know for a fact he is out of the area, so he will be paying $5 a day to go to and from work. I'm sure it's going to be a big shock for him when it happens.
They're just trying to keep their heads above water. They cover a huge area, more than they have to, and their expenses are not totally covered by the government. Not to mention, they have a lot of people riding, who in my opinion, don't deserve to.
The rule is, if you cannot ride the bus, you get the service. Ron cannot ride the bus by himself. However, I see many people with minor issues riding because it's "cheaper than driving".
I don't deserve, and don't get, service, because I can ride the bus by myself. I can walk to the bus stop, board, disembark, and transfer as needed. I can go pretty much anywhere in the Metro Houston area. I can't go places like Cypress or far NW, but as of yet I haven't really seen a need to.
I make enough now that I could call the rare "short trip" cab if needed, like when I was sick and went to the doctor. I really did not want to go on the bus in the freezing cold, taking two buses and waiting on a transfer, if I could just reach in "my" pocket (Ron paid for the cab) instead. So, I did that, and I don't regret it. In my opinion, money well spent.
People can't imagine how I live without a car, but I have my eye on the long road. Ron will die eventually. I will lose paratransit riding as his caregiver (and I help him a lot so I feel OK about that). I need to live on an active bus line. My current line runs nearly 20 hours a day. That can encompass pretty much any job, should the need arise.
When I was a teenager my grandmother, widowed at a young age (by the time she was my age), told me to always have a backup plan to support myself, not to rely on my husband only as a sole support. She really emphasized that.
Of course going to work for Ron kind of shot that in the head, my current skills are caregiving and vending, if someone else provides transportation, and they won't. However, I could go work for the bus company doing customer service. Or retail, if it paid well enough. Aldi seems to treat it's people pretty well.
But I'm never going to drive. My mother fried that part of my brain and I have to live with that. It's actually a lot easier for me having this congenitally - from birth - rather than "she got in a wreck when I was 28 and gave me a head injury, rendering me unable to drive". That would have been horrific to have the freedom and mobility, only to lose it because of her carelessness.
If that's you, you have my sympathy. It's a lot harder to walk that road than the one I have.
Ron feels the same way about being blind. In fact, if you ask him, the hearing loss is the worst thing. It seems to be worse lately, I find I have to shout at him sometimes "DO YOU WANT A TACO?" just to be heard. Second worst would be the right-side paralysis he has as a result of the accident, then his back, and the neuropathy.
I can see why he is so negative at times. It must be really hard to have all those physical problems and no remedy.
He did opt out of a trip to the liquor store today, which made me smile. He chose to do that on his own, without my input.
I just hope, when he goes, he chooses "mild" beverages instead of the stuff that makes his colon bleed. I really don't want to see bloody tissues in the bathroom trash can unless I'm having my period! [grin]
I dragged my butt out of bed half an hour before our pickup and did the bare essentials. We went to work. I did what I'd come to do.
However, it was easier. This time, they delivered our sandwiches in a box, instead of on a rack. The rack is very bulky and inconvenient, and hit Ron in the head last week (it fell). This time, I could stock and simply throw the box away. So. Much. Better.
I do think we need to cut the order back. We have an awful lot of sandwiches.
I drank a fair amount of caffeine but it didn't seem to affect me much.
After work (Ron wasn't abusive, but he was very gloomy and negative, has been, all day), we went to Walmart.
Going to the work, we had a "shared ride" of over an hour transit. Going to Walmart, same thing. We discussed the fare change policy and I said "Basically, all the nice neighborhoods will cost you two tickets ($2.50), all the ghetto you can ride with your pass or one ticket." The driver got that.
The company has issued brochures, clearly explaining the policy. If your location is on or near a bus line, you spend one ticket or use your pass. If it is not, then you have to use two tickets. There's a guy at work who rides, and I know for a fact he is out of the area, so he will be paying $5 a day to go to and from work. I'm sure it's going to be a big shock for him when it happens.
They're just trying to keep their heads above water. They cover a huge area, more than they have to, and their expenses are not totally covered by the government. Not to mention, they have a lot of people riding, who in my opinion, don't deserve to.
The rule is, if you cannot ride the bus, you get the service. Ron cannot ride the bus by himself. However, I see many people with minor issues riding because it's "cheaper than driving".
I don't deserve, and don't get, service, because I can ride the bus by myself. I can walk to the bus stop, board, disembark, and transfer as needed. I can go pretty much anywhere in the Metro Houston area. I can't go places like Cypress or far NW, but as of yet I haven't really seen a need to.
I make enough now that I could call the rare "short trip" cab if needed, like when I was sick and went to the doctor. I really did not want to go on the bus in the freezing cold, taking two buses and waiting on a transfer, if I could just reach in "my" pocket (Ron paid for the cab) instead. So, I did that, and I don't regret it. In my opinion, money well spent.
People can't imagine how I live without a car, but I have my eye on the long road. Ron will die eventually. I will lose paratransit riding as his caregiver (and I help him a lot so I feel OK about that). I need to live on an active bus line. My current line runs nearly 20 hours a day. That can encompass pretty much any job, should the need arise.
When I was a teenager my grandmother, widowed at a young age (by the time she was my age), told me to always have a backup plan to support myself, not to rely on my husband only as a sole support. She really emphasized that.
Of course going to work for Ron kind of shot that in the head, my current skills are caregiving and vending, if someone else provides transportation, and they won't. However, I could go work for the bus company doing customer service. Or retail, if it paid well enough. Aldi seems to treat it's people pretty well.
But I'm never going to drive. My mother fried that part of my brain and I have to live with that. It's actually a lot easier for me having this congenitally - from birth - rather than "she got in a wreck when I was 28 and gave me a head injury, rendering me unable to drive". That would have been horrific to have the freedom and mobility, only to lose it because of her carelessness.
If that's you, you have my sympathy. It's a lot harder to walk that road than the one I have.
Ron feels the same way about being blind. In fact, if you ask him, the hearing loss is the worst thing. It seems to be worse lately, I find I have to shout at him sometimes "DO YOU WANT A TACO?" just to be heard. Second worst would be the right-side paralysis he has as a result of the accident, then his back, and the neuropathy.
I can see why he is so negative at times. It must be really hard to have all those physical problems and no remedy.
He did opt out of a trip to the liquor store today, which made me smile. He chose to do that on his own, without my input.
I just hope, when he goes, he chooses "mild" beverages instead of the stuff that makes his colon bleed. I really don't want to see bloody tissues in the bathroom trash can unless I'm having my period! [grin]
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Mold Killer
I'm finally getting a little manic. I cleaned out the laundry room and finally decided to attack "The problem" in the bathroom.
While Ron is pretty lavish with the heating, he is very stingy when it comes to air conditioning. I don't care, I like it warm anyway. Today it was 60 degrees out and one of our drivers had the air conditioning on! Brr!
Anyway, he was obsessed with the bathroom. We get a lot of east sun through the bathroom window. It is one of the few windows not blocked by any trees or shrubbery. Ron had a couple of solutions: he put roll down blinds on the outside of the window, but they blew off in the hurricane.
Then he decided to close the bathroom door, the minute I finished my shower, so we had 100% humidity in the heat and confinement. You can imagine the results, icky black mold on the ceiling above the tub. I tried to tell him, he wouldn't listen.
We had a mold issue in CA due to bad plumbing upstairs, and it was horrific, multicolored layers of slime. I tried to clean it myself but got sick every time, and we had a slumlord to boot. As a result, I didn't have much hope of resolving my problem.
Until I found the "mold killing primer" at Walmart. Wait a minute, they make mold killing paint? Awesome.
I did some research and found it worked exactly as claimed. I was all set to buy some, but Walmart had stopped carrying it. [bad word]
I told Ron I wanted to go to Home Depot to buy some supplies, and not only did he arrange the trip, he offered to pay for everything. I confided my fears about even sharing this online, but he reminded me "We're not selling the house" and I would disclose it anyway "I had a little problem... but I fixed it".
While there, we got a couple different items, a gallon of the paint (yes, overkill, but I want to do to the whole ceiling just to be certain, all 45 square feet of it!), and a couple of hand held spray bottles.
I tried a couple of them out. This one actually takes the mold and the stain: http://www.homedepot.com/p/Mold-Armor-32-oz-Mold-Blocker-FG516T/100628957 I was impressed. I plan to use it on the affected area.
Ron and I talked some more, and we agree it would be smart to buy a ventilation fan (we're a little slow), we can have our electrician friend install it - and a ladder so I can do the painting easily. That's a big load off my mind.
It's really depressing to literally have mold hanging over my head every time I take a shower. Or bath.
I came home and did some research, finding a good vent fan with excellent reviews and a reasonable price tag. The one I originally liked only had 2 stars and was "as noisy as an airport". Huh.
I woke with a migraine, the OTC stuff worked, but needless to say all the caffeine did not lend itself to a nap when I got home. I still feel pretty wound up and I took my last dose at 9-10 AM.
It's after 5 PM right now.
So, I would call that a good day. The laundry room looks great - I finished it. It is what I'd say 90% done. I still have a laundry basket full of stuff, and clean laundry on the dryer, but I'm not walking on old clothes and junk when I go in there anymore. It really came out of Hoarders before, pretty bad.
Not anymore. Glad I got that done.
Ron will also look into getting the "outside" blinds, have that installed, and then the vent fan. Then I will use the paint. In the meantime, as I have the energy, I will use my mold killing stain remover miracle spray to eliminate "my little problem".
It's almost like getting a bad tooth fixed.
I will be using eye protection, N95 mask, gloves, and some kind of hair covering for both the cleaning and the painting.
The cats are good. Biscuit has been adorable, Torbie got in my lap twice, Gravy licked my hand, and Baby Girl let me pet her.
I'm running a load of laundry right now, mostly Ron's. When it's done I'll put it over a chair in his bedroom, he hangs it up himself. That's what he gets for complaining I woke him up, opening his closet. I have a big bag of laundry room trash to "can" and I'm waiting on that.
I probably haven't told you, we are all ground floor here, house about 900 square feet. Windows, most of them, don't have screens, but not a big deal unless we have a power outage in the summer. Which has been very rare.
Anyway, we put the trash cans outside Ron's window, so we just open the window and throw the trash away. It's very handy. But I can't do it when he's sleeping.
He got another blister abusing his back massager, placing it on his legs to deal with neuropathy pain. I am treating it with peroxide and some spray disinfectant. He's using the massager again but on a different leg.
I don't judge because I don't have neuropathy, praise God.
Ron has NOT been a creep today, so I will take that as a gift. I got plenty of sleep last night and the night before. Even better. I took my medication so my mood will be balanced, but I still have enough mania to want to do some spring cleaning.
If you could see my house, you'd know I need all the help I can get with the cleaning thing, so that's a gift too. Plus my parents are coming to visit in a couple weeks and I'd like the house to be somewhat presentable.
A busy day, but a good one.
While Ron is pretty lavish with the heating, he is very stingy when it comes to air conditioning. I don't care, I like it warm anyway. Today it was 60 degrees out and one of our drivers had the air conditioning on! Brr!
Anyway, he was obsessed with the bathroom. We get a lot of east sun through the bathroom window. It is one of the few windows not blocked by any trees or shrubbery. Ron had a couple of solutions: he put roll down blinds on the outside of the window, but they blew off in the hurricane.
Then he decided to close the bathroom door, the minute I finished my shower, so we had 100% humidity in the heat and confinement. You can imagine the results, icky black mold on the ceiling above the tub. I tried to tell him, he wouldn't listen.
We had a mold issue in CA due to bad plumbing upstairs, and it was horrific, multicolored layers of slime. I tried to clean it myself but got sick every time, and we had a slumlord to boot. As a result, I didn't have much hope of resolving my problem.
Until I found the "mold killing primer" at Walmart. Wait a minute, they make mold killing paint? Awesome.
I did some research and found it worked exactly as claimed. I was all set to buy some, but Walmart had stopped carrying it. [bad word]
I told Ron I wanted to go to Home Depot to buy some supplies, and not only did he arrange the trip, he offered to pay for everything. I confided my fears about even sharing this online, but he reminded me "We're not selling the house" and I would disclose it anyway "I had a little problem... but I fixed it".
While there, we got a couple different items, a gallon of the paint (yes, overkill, but I want to do to the whole ceiling just to be certain, all 45 square feet of it!), and a couple of hand held spray bottles.
I tried a couple of them out. This one actually takes the mold and the stain: http://www.homedepot.com/p/Mold-Armor-32-oz-Mold-Blocker-FG516T/100628957 I was impressed. I plan to use it on the affected area.
Ron and I talked some more, and we agree it would be smart to buy a ventilation fan (we're a little slow), we can have our electrician friend install it - and a ladder so I can do the painting easily. That's a big load off my mind.
It's really depressing to literally have mold hanging over my head every time I take a shower. Or bath.
I came home and did some research, finding a good vent fan with excellent reviews and a reasonable price tag. The one I originally liked only had 2 stars and was "as noisy as an airport". Huh.
I woke with a migraine, the OTC stuff worked, but needless to say all the caffeine did not lend itself to a nap when I got home. I still feel pretty wound up and I took my last dose at 9-10 AM.
It's after 5 PM right now.
So, I would call that a good day. The laundry room looks great - I finished it. It is what I'd say 90% done. I still have a laundry basket full of stuff, and clean laundry on the dryer, but I'm not walking on old clothes and junk when I go in there anymore. It really came out of Hoarders before, pretty bad.
Not anymore. Glad I got that done.
Ron will also look into getting the "outside" blinds, have that installed, and then the vent fan. Then I will use the paint. In the meantime, as I have the energy, I will use my mold killing stain remover miracle spray to eliminate "my little problem".
It's almost like getting a bad tooth fixed.
I will be using eye protection, N95 mask, gloves, and some kind of hair covering for both the cleaning and the painting.
The cats are good. Biscuit has been adorable, Torbie got in my lap twice, Gravy licked my hand, and Baby Girl let me pet her.
I'm running a load of laundry right now, mostly Ron's. When it's done I'll put it over a chair in his bedroom, he hangs it up himself. That's what he gets for complaining I woke him up, opening his closet. I have a big bag of laundry room trash to "can" and I'm waiting on that.
I probably haven't told you, we are all ground floor here, house about 900 square feet. Windows, most of them, don't have screens, but not a big deal unless we have a power outage in the summer. Which has been very rare.
Anyway, we put the trash cans outside Ron's window, so we just open the window and throw the trash away. It's very handy. But I can't do it when he's sleeping.
He got another blister abusing his back massager, placing it on his legs to deal with neuropathy pain. I am treating it with peroxide and some spray disinfectant. He's using the massager again but on a different leg.
I don't judge because I don't have neuropathy, praise God.
Ron has NOT been a creep today, so I will take that as a gift. I got plenty of sleep last night and the night before. Even better. I took my medication so my mood will be balanced, but I still have enough mania to want to do some spring cleaning.
If you could see my house, you'd know I need all the help I can get with the cleaning thing, so that's a gift too. Plus my parents are coming to visit in a couple weeks and I'd like the house to be somewhat presentable.
A busy day, but a good one.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Lovely, and sad.
Yesterday was a long, exhausting, and depressing day. I woke up early, went to work, did heavy manual labor organizing and clearing my carts. I have very limited storage, and store a lot of bottled drinks on the carts. However, I desperately needed more snack inventory so I had to clear the carts, so I could use them, to bring more inventory into the building, so I could stock.
The apex of that was Ron and the water. I had brought him some water on a cart, it looked like he needed 3 cases. He made a big point, of yelling at me in front of the customers, how I was "stupid" "a bad helper" and such because he needed 4 cases.
I finally walked off, making "yak yak" motions with my hand and shaking my head. This, unfortunately, is pretty common with Ron at work. He is verbally abusive - from rude to downright filthy. Up to this point, no one has said anything or even made a comment, but yesterday one guy exclaimed "Oh wow." during the height of Ron's ravings.
Ron waited until well past the last minute to leave and I had to chase him out of the building. A customer chased me down. I told her I had to leave.
"This won't take a minute. I want you to know you are appreciated. We know you bust your butt for us every day and we really appreciate it. You bust your butt, you help him a lot, you're a hard worker, and you remember we appreciate you."
I was shocked. I guess she had heard the tirade.
She's the first person who ever bothered to say something to me. It's lovely, and tragic, all at the same time. 15 years of him shouting at me at work. Finally someone has something nice to say.
Normally I just get complaints.
I didn't tell Ron, and won't.
He doesn't see what he does as wrong and there is no way I can convince him. God will have to work on him with that.
Happily I got a little encouragement. We went to the store. I got my supplies, a teetering stack of potato chips higher than my head, and a lot of other products. We came back to work.
I unloaded the truck onto my empty carts and brought everything into the building, then I stocked my tragic, empty, machines.
I don't think we can take 2 days in a row anymore.
I got my end done, except for pastries. I ran out of time on that.
Ron did all his stuff, it seemed to take a lot longer than usual. I don't know why. Maybe because he had more time. We came home. I went to bed early.
I slept late, for me, 7:30. I thought it was at least nine or so.
I got up and did my God Time, then Ron and I decided to run some errands on the bus. It took Ron forever to get ready.
I was quite annoyed to find out he has lost both his coats. He must have carried it onto paratransit, set it on the seat, and gotten out, leaving it behind. It's frustrating. Just wear the coat, or leave it at home. Don't drag it around and then complain you lost it.
It makes me annoyed because I do so much picking up after him already, now I have to check the backseat every time he gets out and make sure he isn't leaving something. That's something the driver should do, anyway. 890pooooo Biscuit says hello.
I get a lot of cat hair in my keyboard.
Ron's wheelchair has also been damaged, by lazy drivers who hook the securement into the grip on the wheel, and not the frame as they should. Now I've got a whole part about to fall off the wheelchair.
Ron just called me "mindless" as regards my faith. Now, I let other people make conclusions. I've had a hard time lately, Ron's negativity is like acid, eating away. I'm just trying to keep my head above water. It's ironic because he told me once he wouldn't date me unless I had a faith in God.
He's had three drinks just in the last hour. I hope it's a quiet night..
The apex of that was Ron and the water. I had brought him some water on a cart, it looked like he needed 3 cases. He made a big point, of yelling at me in front of the customers, how I was "stupid" "a bad helper" and such because he needed 4 cases.
I finally walked off, making "yak yak" motions with my hand and shaking my head. This, unfortunately, is pretty common with Ron at work. He is verbally abusive - from rude to downright filthy. Up to this point, no one has said anything or even made a comment, but yesterday one guy exclaimed "Oh wow." during the height of Ron's ravings.
Ron waited until well past the last minute to leave and I had to chase him out of the building. A customer chased me down. I told her I had to leave.
"This won't take a minute. I want you to know you are appreciated. We know you bust your butt for us every day and we really appreciate it. You bust your butt, you help him a lot, you're a hard worker, and you remember we appreciate you."
I was shocked. I guess she had heard the tirade.
She's the first person who ever bothered to say something to me. It's lovely, and tragic, all at the same time. 15 years of him shouting at me at work. Finally someone has something nice to say.
Normally I just get complaints.
I didn't tell Ron, and won't.
He doesn't see what he does as wrong and there is no way I can convince him. God will have to work on him with that.
Happily I got a little encouragement. We went to the store. I got my supplies, a teetering stack of potato chips higher than my head, and a lot of other products. We came back to work.
I unloaded the truck onto my empty carts and brought everything into the building, then I stocked my tragic, empty, machines.
I don't think we can take 2 days in a row anymore.
I got my end done, except for pastries. I ran out of time on that.
Ron did all his stuff, it seemed to take a lot longer than usual. I don't know why. Maybe because he had more time. We came home. I went to bed early.
I slept late, for me, 7:30. I thought it was at least nine or so.
I got up and did my God Time, then Ron and I decided to run some errands on the bus. It took Ron forever to get ready.
I was quite annoyed to find out he has lost both his coats. He must have carried it onto paratransit, set it on the seat, and gotten out, leaving it behind. It's frustrating. Just wear the coat, or leave it at home. Don't drag it around and then complain you lost it.
It makes me annoyed because I do so much picking up after him already, now I have to check the backseat every time he gets out and make sure he isn't leaving something. That's something the driver should do, anyway. 890pooooo Biscuit says hello.
I get a lot of cat hair in my keyboard.
Ron's wheelchair has also been damaged, by lazy drivers who hook the securement into the grip on the wheel, and not the frame as they should. Now I've got a whole part about to fall off the wheelchair.
Ron just called me "mindless" as regards my faith. Now, I let other people make conclusions. I've had a hard time lately, Ron's negativity is like acid, eating away. I'm just trying to keep my head above water. It's ironic because he told me once he wouldn't date me unless I had a faith in God.
He's had three drinks just in the last hour. I hope it's a quiet night..
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Anorexia
When I was a young teen, I was placed on an antidepressant. Like a lot of other young teens, I felt I was "fat" at 115 pounds (67 inches tall), and talked about "dieting".
Well, the antidepressant had an interesting side effect: anorexia, a lack of appetite. Of course my therapists felt I was anorexic, the eating disorder. I wasn't. I just wasn't hungry. Even when I was hungry, I wasn't hungry, it's hard to explain. Hungry, I felt as though I'd already eaten a large meal.
This persisted for years, until the antidepressant was discontinued. It didn't work that well, anyway.
Well, I seem to have a paradigm shift in my side effects, because it's back: anorexia. I find myself forcing myself to eat, gagging down an energy bar, or a modest portion of salad with a serving of protein, at dinner time.
Results are impressive, I've lost about 15 pounds in less than a month. Will this last, I don't know.
I was a little worried, because I know lack of appetite can signify serious problems, especially when paired with significant weight loss. What to do?
I looked it up, and sure enough, "anorexia" is listed as a side effect in 75% of my medication side effects. Huh. Explains a lot.
Why now? I wasn't that sick, I don't think. I'm not complaining. "I feel like" I told Ron "I had a gastric bypass". I just don't enjoy eating. I gag it down because I have to, because I need it to take my medication and I need fuel for my body. I need building blocks to build immunity and such.
It's just odd. I've gone from snacking and hunger all the time, to satiety and weight loss. Very odd. I am making a point to put healthy things in my mouth and eat "balanced" - very reduced carbs, plenty of lean protein, and lots of salad. Well, lots for me, maybe 3 cups a day?
I eat it with an olive oil and vinegar dressing, that seemed pretty close to natural. I can certainly sidestep chemicals.
Of course I feel like a total whore writing this as I make my living in junk food.
Ron had a good birthday today. We woke up, I did my God time and shower, went to the mall, and got him his favorite takeout. I had Chik-fil-a, a grilled sandwich with cheese and bacon. It was very juicy and good.
I actually enjoyed eating that.
We came home and I had a pretty good nap. Biscuit joined me in bed. Interestingly enough, Biscuit and Gravy don't like people food, except for one thing: cheese sticks. They adore them. They bite and lick the sticks as I hold them in my hand. So, I bite off a little segment and offer it to them. They eat that off to the side, leaving the rest of my cheese stick unmolested.
Just a little glimpse at my life.
Ron didn't want a cake. He didn't want to go out to dinner. He just wanted some takeout, which we got.
He slept a lot and drank a little, I'm sure, but he was quiet.
He did carry on a lot about my weight which I found odd, considering I have lost a lot. My clothing size is pretty much the same but that's OK, I just want to get the weight off my systems and joints.
That can only be a good thing.
Well, the antidepressant had an interesting side effect: anorexia, a lack of appetite. Of course my therapists felt I was anorexic, the eating disorder. I wasn't. I just wasn't hungry. Even when I was hungry, I wasn't hungry, it's hard to explain. Hungry, I felt as though I'd already eaten a large meal.
This persisted for years, until the antidepressant was discontinued. It didn't work that well, anyway.
Well, I seem to have a paradigm shift in my side effects, because it's back: anorexia. I find myself forcing myself to eat, gagging down an energy bar, or a modest portion of salad with a serving of protein, at dinner time.
Results are impressive, I've lost about 15 pounds in less than a month. Will this last, I don't know.
I was a little worried, because I know lack of appetite can signify serious problems, especially when paired with significant weight loss. What to do?
I looked it up, and sure enough, "anorexia" is listed as a side effect in 75% of my medication side effects. Huh. Explains a lot.
Why now? I wasn't that sick, I don't think. I'm not complaining. "I feel like" I told Ron "I had a gastric bypass". I just don't enjoy eating. I gag it down because I have to, because I need it to take my medication and I need fuel for my body. I need building blocks to build immunity and such.
It's just odd. I've gone from snacking and hunger all the time, to satiety and weight loss. Very odd. I am making a point to put healthy things in my mouth and eat "balanced" - very reduced carbs, plenty of lean protein, and lots of salad. Well, lots for me, maybe 3 cups a day?
I eat it with an olive oil and vinegar dressing, that seemed pretty close to natural. I can certainly sidestep chemicals.
Of course I feel like a total whore writing this as I make my living in junk food.
Ron had a good birthday today. We woke up, I did my God time and shower, went to the mall, and got him his favorite takeout. I had Chik-fil-a, a grilled sandwich with cheese and bacon. It was very juicy and good.
I actually enjoyed eating that.
We came home and I had a pretty good nap. Biscuit joined me in bed. Interestingly enough, Biscuit and Gravy don't like people food, except for one thing: cheese sticks. They adore them. They bite and lick the sticks as I hold them in my hand. So, I bite off a little segment and offer it to them. They eat that off to the side, leaving the rest of my cheese stick unmolested.
Just a little glimpse at my life.
Ron didn't want a cake. He didn't want to go out to dinner. He just wanted some takeout, which we got.
He slept a lot and drank a little, I'm sure, but he was quiet.
He did carry on a lot about my weight which I found odd, considering I have lost a lot. My clothing size is pretty much the same but that's OK, I just want to get the weight off my systems and joints.
That can only be a good thing.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Hits and misses
Yesterday was a long day, we went to the warehouse, got the supplies, brought them to work, and a whole lot of stocking. By the time I got home, I was pretty tired.
I had enough energy to do my God Time, or blog, so I did God Time.
I went to bed, so glad I had today off.
Today I went to Walmart. Well, I got up, took my shower, got dressed, took my antibiotic, drank some diet iced tea because I can't have my soda with the antibiotic, and went to Walmart.
Ron wanted a lot of snack foods, but my appetite is still absent. I took my meds tonight with one slice of pizza. Normally I eat 2 or 3. I have found I can take my lithium on less food than previi144444444444 (Biscuit says hello).
I can take my lithium on less food than I previously thought. I did forget to eat my salad tonight.
Anyway, I got some healthier foods, high protein, lower carbs. I did get a bag of potato chips and did eat some, but they didn't taste very good to my palate.
Now, being sick, I had some hits and misses on what actually worked for me:
1. Antihistamine: made me manic.
2. Decongestant: made me manic. That ruled out pretty much EVERY OTC remedy.
3. 12 hour mucus relief with cough suppressant, worked. So well, in fact, I was literally counting the minutes to the next dose.
4. Breathe-right strips. "Open nasal passages". To my surprise, they actually did, enough that I bought another box today. I got a really good deal on some more today with a coupon I had from the first box. Coupon $1 off. Box had a 10 count free in addition to the 26. So, I got them for about half off cost per unit. And, like I said, they work. They ride a little odd with my glasses so I just use them at night when my glasses are on the nightstand.
5. Generic tissues with lotion. A lot better than the paper towels and hankies I was "blowing" on.
6. Generic cough drops, sugarfree. Although I didn't use these during periods of high coughing due to an incident where I nearly choked.
Plus, of course the medical items: a steroid shot, and a course of antibiotics (nearly finished, now). [sigh] I really hope I'm done with being sick for a while now.
Although this happened in 2009; I was sick, had an assortment of various issues, and finally had a run of good health lasting several years. Well, except for the odd migraine.
I'd even take a migraine if it meant I'd be "done" for a while. That's one reason I'm really trying to increase the quality of my food. I can control that; I can't control much else.
Oh, and how we all love to feel powerless.
I had enough energy to do my God Time, or blog, so I did God Time.
I went to bed, so glad I had today off.
Today I went to Walmart. Well, I got up, took my shower, got dressed, took my antibiotic, drank some diet iced tea because I can't have my soda with the antibiotic, and went to Walmart.
Ron wanted a lot of snack foods, but my appetite is still absent. I took my meds tonight with one slice of pizza. Normally I eat 2 or 3. I have found I can take my lithium on less food than previi144444444444 (Biscuit says hello).
I can take my lithium on less food than I previously thought. I did forget to eat my salad tonight.
Anyway, I got some healthier foods, high protein, lower carbs. I did get a bag of potato chips and did eat some, but they didn't taste very good to my palate.
Now, being sick, I had some hits and misses on what actually worked for me:
1. Antihistamine: made me manic.
2. Decongestant: made me manic. That ruled out pretty much EVERY OTC remedy.
3. 12 hour mucus relief with cough suppressant, worked. So well, in fact, I was literally counting the minutes to the next dose.
4. Breathe-right strips. "Open nasal passages". To my surprise, they actually did, enough that I bought another box today. I got a really good deal on some more today with a coupon I had from the first box. Coupon $1 off. Box had a 10 count free in addition to the 26. So, I got them for about half off cost per unit. And, like I said, they work. They ride a little odd with my glasses so I just use them at night when my glasses are on the nightstand.
5. Generic tissues with lotion. A lot better than the paper towels and hankies I was "blowing" on.
6. Generic cough drops, sugarfree. Although I didn't use these during periods of high coughing due to an incident where I nearly choked.
Plus, of course the medical items: a steroid shot, and a course of antibiotics (nearly finished, now). [sigh] I really hope I'm done with being sick for a while now.
Although this happened in 2009; I was sick, had an assortment of various issues, and finally had a run of good health lasting several years. Well, except for the odd migraine.
I'd even take a migraine if it meant I'd be "done" for a while. That's one reason I'm really trying to increase the quality of my food. I can control that; I can't control much else.
Oh, and how we all love to feel powerless.
Monday, January 18, 2016
High quality fuel
Yesterday, Baby Girl camped out on my computer chair. I didn't have the heart to move her and didn't even get online.
Today, I had to get up at 4 AM and go to work, but at least I slept pretty well. A little too well, in fact, I had a heck of a time getting up.
It's going to be in the 30's tonight and two of my, three of my neighbors, have mowed their yards today.
Today's Biscuit and Gravy's birthday. http://houstonheather.blogspot.com/2015/01/mugged-by-kittens.html It is funny to watch the progression, over days, from "I don't want them" to "I guess we're keeping them". I plan to give them an extra can of cat food to celebrate.
Work was OK but our inventory levels are low. I think Ron hasn't wanted to "make" me do a big supply run when I'm sick. But, we need it, and I am feeling better. Not great, but better.
Still no real appetite. I did pizza for dinner so Ron had something hot and fresh. I was bad and did not eat my customary salad. Maybe I can have it tomorrow with breakfast. I am trying to put high-quality fuel into my body.
Torbie is making a lot of racket, she got into a paper bag and is rustling around. My cats tend not to like the actual cat toys, they like strings, paper bags, and things out in the yard. Since I am allergic, I try not to hug them or pet them too much until I'm better - it would just get my sinuses mad.
I plan to go to bed early tonight. My mood has been OK (!) which is another indicator I'm sick. I'm just tired but then I always am.
At least I'm sleeping better, now.
Today, I had to get up at 4 AM and go to work, but at least I slept pretty well. A little too well, in fact, I had a heck of a time getting up.
It's going to be in the 30's tonight and two of my, three of my neighbors, have mowed their yards today.
Today's Biscuit and Gravy's birthday. http://houstonheather.blogspot.com/2015/01/mugged-by-kittens.html It is funny to watch the progression, over days, from "I don't want them" to "I guess we're keeping them". I plan to give them an extra can of cat food to celebrate.
Work was OK but our inventory levels are low. I think Ron hasn't wanted to "make" me do a big supply run when I'm sick. But, we need it, and I am feeling better. Not great, but better.
Still no real appetite. I did pizza for dinner so Ron had something hot and fresh. I was bad and did not eat my customary salad. Maybe I can have it tomorrow with breakfast. I am trying to put high-quality fuel into my body.
Torbie is making a lot of racket, she got into a paper bag and is rustling around. My cats tend not to like the actual cat toys, they like strings, paper bags, and things out in the yard. Since I am allergic, I try not to hug them or pet them too much until I'm better - it would just get my sinuses mad.
I plan to go to bed early tonight. My mood has been OK (!) which is another indicator I'm sick. I'm just tired but then I always am.
At least I'm sleeping better, now.
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