About me

What do I value?

It's an interesting question for me, and I've been thinking about this - so I thought I'd share a little of my philosophy.

Why am I here? I don't know. I do know that God has given me this life, that I am the only one who can do the job He's set me to do, and I can only do it with the burdens He has given me. God needs me like this.

I DON'T see myself as a martyr! Martyrs are dead! No thanks! The closest I ever got to martyrdom was the day that kid shot me with a BB gun. My disabilities are mixed blessings, and I do enjoy my unique outlook on life.

Overall, I'd say I'm VERY happy with my life. I enjoy my life and my hobbies. I enjoy my days out, exploring my city. I enjoy the time spent in my garden, even when it's so hot and sunny it takes my breath away. I can even say I enjoy my marriage. It can be a little challenging at times, like any relationship, but I married an interesting man.

Would I change him? Well, I'd make him happier. He runs a little depressed, but he's got a lot of disabilities. I guess anyone would be depressed. If I could make him able-bodied, I would.

I hope he enjoys being married to me. He says he appreciates me and loves spending time with me, so I'd say he does. That's good. I think if we could go back and have a do-over, we still would probably end up married.

What about my flaws? Do I see myself as some saintly, persecuted, suffering martyr? No. I'm lazy. Disorganized. I am a terrible housekeeper. Ron calls me his "snail" because I "leave trails everywhere I go." The yard needs to be mowed, my garden beds need edging, and I've got a pile of clean clothes I need to fold and put away. Instead, I'm on the computer. Why? Well, I like to have fun, too. I'd much rather blog than do laundry or mop the floor.

I would rather die than make Ron feel I am going "above and beyond" for him. I don't do much for him that I didn't do before, and very little I wouldn't do for an able-bodied husband. Would a "normal" guy clean the toilet now and then? It would be nice, but that won't happen with Ron. Then again, I don't have him judging my housekeeping either, so I'd say it's a win. I really don't see helping him as that big a deal. It's just what I do.

Do I get tired of it? Yes. Sometimes I bitterly resent him. I'm human. Does he go out of his way to be a butt pain? No, just the opposite. He hates to ask for help, so I try to give it cheerfully.

I'm resentful and envious of "normal" people. I've never been able to get in a car and just drive. No. I have to wait at the bus stop because I'm "special". I don't want to be special. I want to be waiting at the repair shop bitching about the cost of a new alternator. I resent the fact that I can't depend on my own brain - that I have to take medication in order to be a reliable, pleasant person. "Oh, wow, I can't imagine not being able to drive, Heather!" Yeah, it sucks.

I want to be consistent without medication. I don't want to have to think about how much medication I have left. I'd like to eat without wondering if I should take another lithium, while I'm at it. I don't want to think about mental illness. I don't want to have it.

I don't want to wonder if I'm manic, depressed, or mixed. I want to hear something without wondering if it's a hallucination. I want to do something because I want to do it, not because my brain is compelled to it. It's awful! I have this horrible THING jacking with my brain at every opportunity, and the medication I take to manage it almost killed me!

I whine. I hate the load I carry and I complain bitterly, the whole way. Why did I have to have FAS and Bipolar? One wasn't enough? I had to have both? Why couldn't I have married a man without disabilities? Why did I have to choose a man who's so much older than his time now? Why, oh, why, did he have to take that damned antibiotic last year? Why? My FATHER has more energy than my husband!

I don't know. But I do know, God needs me exactly like this, in these circumstances. This is the only way I can do the job He's got for me. I'll do my best to be the woman He wants me to be, but it doesn't mean I want this.

I'm doing my best.