Resentful and envious

Yes, I am. Thanksgiving, the day to give thanks, and why am I feeling this way?

Well, I hang out on two message boards. One is primarily low-carb, and one is primarily Christian. On both sites recently women have posted about a health problem their husband had, but he's all better now!

I've had to battle a tremendous urge to say something like "Well, good for you." Or "Great, so nice to hear."

A few minutes ago, I went in Ron's room to ask him a question. I won't break his privacy, but it was obvious he was in physical pain and very sad. Why him? Or, why not him? Why can't he be the one who's getting better, instead of the man who gets into a Metrolift slower than an 80 year old woman?

When they see him getting into the vehicle, no one asks why he has the wheelchair. They know he can barely walk at all.

Why does God need him like this? Haven't we both suffered enough? I don't know the answers.

I just tell myself what I tell Ron, if we knew why he needed us like this, we'd probably screw up whatever it is we're supposed to be doing. I just wish I could feel better about it.

I tell myself, it's normal to be upset, angry, sad, and a little bitter when I hear those happy ending stories I'm growing to hate. I'll just choke down my human impulses and say nothing, or something bland.

I would hate for other people to feel like I do.

Ron's calling.

If you'd like to help...

Many times, I approach a door, pushing my blind husband in his wheelchair. If nobody's around, or they don't feel helpful, I'll do a 180 and back up to the door. I open the door, and hold it with one arm as I back the wheelchair into the doorway. When I've gotten Ron far enough into the door, I'll let the door slam into the side of the chair and continue to slide it backwards until "we're" through.

Assuming the door swings inward, I will simply back up and shove with my butt until the door opens. It works well, I call it "Mighty Butt". Then I stick my arm out to the side to catch the door until Ron's through.

If you ever see us approaching, PLEASE do not stand IN FRONT of the door, holding it open for us. There's no way I can get him through the door without running over your feet or having to duck down under your arm. We'll all be very uncomfortable.

Please stand BEHIND the door as you hold it open. Either way, I'll say thank you and mean it.

On Crying

It's funny how things change on my medication. When I cry now, it's not for long, not a lot of tears, but very intense. I'm clear-headed, just very, very sad. I also feel vaguely guilty. I don't know why, I'm the only one who knows I'm crying. I'm very quiet.

Before, it would be for a while, buckets of tears, blowing my nose, and generally pretty hysterical. Sometimes I didn't even know why I was crying (because I have a mood disorder). I'd be pretty loud.

I was watching a video to one of my favorite songs and I just lost it crying. Basically the singer is crying out to God, and affirming his faith that God will save him. There go the waterworks.

I had an old rag - if I'm going to cry I love my old rags. I cried for a couple minutes. I can't honestly say I feel better because my situation is the same.

My husband is really messed up. I'm shouldering his work and mine, caring for him, and caring for myself. All done by someone who was supposed to be unable to live independently. I'm carrying a big load for anyone, not just an FAS, bipolar chick.

I keep my music on random shuffle, and when I started typing ELO's "Don't bring me down" started playing. I'm not going to dwell on it, but I realize it is OK to be sad sometimes.

Today, it's about knitting.

Yes, today, it's about knitting.

I finished the Fall Colors shawl. It looks fantastic and I love wearing it whenever it gets chilly. I actually hope it's a colder winter now. I had enough photos taken, that one of them will come out. :) Then I'll upload it and the pattern.

I also finished the fingerless gloves. I used Elizabeth Lavold Chunky Al - a 50/50 alpaca/wool blend. They are very warm, non-itchy, and durable enough that I can push the wheelchair while wearing them. Again, pattern and pictures coming soon.

Last but not least, I finished my 3 color hat. I make everyone else hats, but last year I wore an Army Surplus wool hat. It was very warm, and basic, but it's just wrong. I should have something that expressed my personality.

This year, I dug some Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride Worsted out of my stash. I had one skein each of turquoise, magenta, and orange. I made stripes. It's fun, cute, and original. I like it a lot. I have to confess, though, that my Army hat is warmer. {laughing}

My latest project involves some using lace knitting yarn and a crochet hook to produce a fun, delicate lace. I have a few stitch dictionaries, but only about 50 patterns. On the other hand, I have literally over a thousand knitting stitch patterns. Say what?

I bookmarked some interesting-looking crochet stitch dictionaries so I can remedy the situation. Just because I love knitting doesn't mean I can't crochet, too. :)

Oh, and I need to get a photo of Ron wearing his hat. It's hysterical.

Prescription: "Listen to your wife"

Ron's impatient. Who can blame him? Becoming hemiparetic was bad enough after his accident. He asked me about it as he recovered. I did some reasearch and told him "Well, if you don't see it by 6 months you probably never will". He didn't like it but 6 months came and went over 6 years ago. I figured it was far better for him to know his prognosis than to have a horrible crash a few years later.

I've treated the whole "Sensory Peripheral Nerve Disease" thing pretty much the same. When Ron asks me when he'll get better, I tell him "We don't know, you may recover, you might not. Nerves are funny and don't have a whole lot of capacity to regenerate. I think it'll be a longer process than you'd like at best."

He hasn't liked hearing that, and has requested that I do more research, but everything comes up the same. He might get better, he might not.

Recently he'd been asking me to find him a new doctor, one who could give him a pill or something and help him recover. "What if I only have a limited window of recovery and I'm missing it!" he fretted. I told him, all his tests have been rule-out, we know his diagnosis (PND) and it's going to take a while to see results.

Last night he got frustrated and called the hospital. He began by saying he'd been in and out of the hospital after a toxic reaction to Bactrim (in Bactrim's defense, he took the generic), had many expensive tests, all he had was a diagnosis of "PND" and he wanted a doctor who could fix him. He added my comments, that I say either the nerves will get better or they won't, but there's nothing a doctor could do that hasn't been done.

After a few gasps and a few transfers, Ron spoke to the "Head Nurse". She listened thoughtfully to him and gave him a priceless reply.

"Sir, you need to listen to your wife. I hate to say it, but she's right."

Can I get that on a prescription? :-)

No more peanuts or Slim-fast low carb!

Waking up everyday with a horrible headache was bad enough, but today's, my OFF day, morphed into a hideous puking migraine. I didn't go to Social Security. I didn't go to the craft store! [Heather cries]

The only "fun trips" I'm going to have are ones I do on the bus. Tomorrow I have to get to bed at 6. Friday I get up at 2.

Poor Ron wore himself out going to Walmart and getting me my medicine. I'm not telling him this: but by the time the prescription was ready I was feeling better.

Thankfully my migraines "Only" last about 12 hours. I suspect peanuts or Slimfast low carb are my triggers, so I won't consume any for at least a month. I can slowly add them in and see if they trigger headaches.

I'm still not hungry, so I'm not eating. :(

You win some, you lose some.

Well. I'm happy that McCain got Texas at least, and I'm glad I voted for him.

I am very disappointed that Sheila Jackson-Lee will be representing me in Congress. I feel she is embarrassing. Only 25% of the other voters agreed with me, though.

The good-guy candidate for Sheriff won. I was impressed by the fact that an obviously off-duty police officer asked for my vote (well outside the polling grounds). As I read the list of supporters, my choice was obvious.

I voted pretty strongly Republican on the other issues. I'm not so concerned with who won or not. The major ones, I won some, I lost some.

I just hope our new president can live up to everyone's expectations.

I walked 5 miles to vote today

I thought my polling place would be the local elementary school. I was wrong. I was redirected to the "real" place about 3 miles away. I walked.

I didn't have to wait at all. I just walked up to the appropriate letter range and handed over my ID card, signed, and voted.

It was an interesting experience. I voted for McCain. I think he'll do a better job. I feel he's already been tested and he did well. I have a very bad feeling about Obama AND his VP. I don't like or trust either of them.

I don't feel Michelle Obama will do a good job of "representing" all that is gracious about America. It has nothing to do with race - it says "Negro" on my husband's birth certificate. She doesn't have a good poker face. I don't feel she is "gracious". I keep coming back to her obviously annoyed expression during the speech Hilary Clinton gave, endorsing Obama.

It's my choice, I made it, and I'm proud I voted. I actually met one man I voted for - Chad Khan. I met him, liked him, I like his platform, and he lives nearby. I feel he'll do a good job standing for me in Austin.

I feel Sheila Jackson-Lee is an embarrassment to her constituents. I would have voted for a chicken if it ran against her. I hope he wins.

Other than that, I voted pretty much a Republican ticket. I liked Ed Emmett, I feel he did a great job managing Harris County during TWO hurricanes. He has a very difficult job but he does it well. Way to go, Ed. :)

We'll see who our new leader is tomorrow. It ought to be interesting.

I find it sad that I had such a short wait to vote. I brought my knitting bag, expecting to wait for hours.