Hostage/Doubt

My husband's moving like an old man. His voice is weak. He's tired. It's awful to watch. Loving someone who's hurting is very difficult. You've got a hostage.

I care so much for him, and things are so uncertain. It looks like he'll be getting the hand surgery next week. I'm not worried about what happens afterward - I do his job and mine for 6 weeks. That's easy. I assume he will not be in a lot of pain after the first few days. I may have to help him eat; which I don't mind. Ron's not the clingy, dependent type. He'll do whatever he can for himself.

When he's in really bad shape, I don't worry so much about anesthesia and procedures. If he's in obvious pain or trouble, they've got to do what they've got to do. I just sign off and say "God's will, not mine". God's wanted him to live so far.

I don't even fear the what-if's of surgery. Either he'll make it or not. It's a simple procedure so I am certain he'll be fine.

My biggest fear? I won't be up for the job. I will fail him in some way because I'm not "normal". I can't drive. The last time we went in to the doctor's office they spoke of "Heading over to the hospital." I mentioned I can't drive. "Oh, you can just walk". Can we? Will it be safe for Ron? From what I remember last time, it's not safe. I get stressed out trying to keep him safe and navigate at the same time.

If I were normal, this wouldn't even be an issue, I think. I'd be driving and Ron would just get in the car and we'd drive. But I'm not normal, I can't drive, and Ron has to suffer as a result.

It's not fair to him. He didn't force my mother to drink during her pregnancy or pass on her bipolar disorder in my DNA. Why does he have to suffer because I'm disabled? It's not fair for him to depend on a "crazy" person to be his caregiver. I'm only as good as my medication. That's a hard fact to accept.

He'd probably say, my differences make me "better" than the average person. Average would have run screaming from him after his accident and certainly wouldn't have stuck around during his delusions. I can't fathom leaving him, no matter how bad things get. It's not in my makeup. Does that make me "better than average" or just an idiot? I don't know.

Days like today, I think I'm an idiot. Not because I refuse to abandon Ron, but I'm an idiot for thinking I can take care of him, "better" than the average person.

But God wants me here, doing this, right now. I know I'll give Ron 110% of what I've got to give during and after his surgery, but I really wonder if God knows what He's doing.

I hate that my husband has to suffer. I'd much rather hurt than watch someone I love hurting. Thank God I've got my own illness well-managed. I just wish we could be done with all the medical problems. Permanently.

He'll be needy. He'll be impatient. He'll get frustrated. I'll do my best to be patient, loving and kind. I'll do his job and my own and try to make it look easy. I'll eat the right things and take care of myself to the best of my ability. I'll probably schedule a bubble bath or two every week while I'm doing laundry. I'll do my best. Sometimes I'll fail. I'll get a sharp tone of voice with Ron, a sigh, I'll forget things I should have done or do them wrong.

We'll manage, but I often wonder why God put the two of us together? I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world but I really wonder at His wisdom in putting together someone with brain damage, with another person with brain damage who's also blind.