Hello Dolly!

Today we had about as much of a hurricane as I ever hope to see. We had a few rain bands from Hurricane Dolly, but that's it. Good. I hope everyone is safe "Down South".

I saw my doctor today, my psychiatrist, also known as a P-doc. He loved Ron's "I didn't escape, they gave me a day pass" t-shirt and complimented me on my weight loss (the lady who runs the deli mentioned it as soon as she saw me). He was thrilled I've lost it and wanted to know how (I told him). Oh, and he'd dropped his prices. I have $10 more in my pocket. He gave his approval to my medication changes (less!) so we'll save a lot of money on prescriptions and I won't be so foggy-headed.

I also saw the ads from Atkins Nutritionals that have got everyone on the low-carb message boards so inflammed. LEAN MEAT? You can do it, using our sweet treats? Poor Dr Atkins must be rolling over in his grave. He never, ever said you had to buy special products to lose weight and he NEVER advocated eating lean meats. In fact, he said eating a low fat version of the diet would derail your weight loss. Direct quote, that.

I was pretty tired but I had a good workout last night - I just did 15 minutes of squats for weights. Tomorrow I hope to run, but we'll see. I did pretty well on the exercise bike last night - 20 minutes at 70% HR. Maybe I'm not as weak as I feel.

I get aggravated at my fatigue but that's the price I'm going to pay for sanity. Agggh. I wish I didn't have to choose, just like I wish I were a gorgous size 10.

It's sad. I was posting a little on a bodybuilding message board. I've seen two posts by women screaming about their fat as*es or fat as a pig, things like that. Then they say I'm up to 140. What the heck am I supposed to feel? I'm at 193.5! It's hard not to feel hurt by that, even if it isn't directed at me. I would hate to hear what they'd call me.

I wore some short shorts and a sleeveless top today and had my aunt take some photos. It'll be interesting to see how they turn out. I know I'm going to look 40 pounds overweight, but I hope the progression of weight loss will be visible in my photo collection. I plan to take it with me when people doubt how fat I used to be.

On our ride home, we had a driver who always wants me to be his computer expert. Huh? I'm not. I think he's finally gotten it.

That's it for now. Take care!

Don't whine about side effects, Heather

It always happens. My lithium was really kicking my butt today. I tend to feel dizzy, weak, glue-brained, very sweaty, and slow.

I got frustrated. Snapped at Ron, even.

Came home, ate too much whipped cream, collapsed into bed with the cat. Napped for hours. Woke up, still feel the same. I almost died walking to the mailbox.

OK, you've had enough of my pity party. Then I went to post on a message board and I saw a thread titled "Mentally ill...". Hm. I thought I have some experience in the matter so I opened it up.

Someone's family member is bipolar, type one, psychotic features like me. Except THIS lady ain't taking her medication! She's making life hell for everyone she meets.

Do I want to be her, or me?

I'll suck up my side effects and try not to whine.

Dizzy Spells

I wish I knew what was up with my body. Was I stupid to donate blood on Wednesday? Are my new generic (Thank you, Jesus!) Risperdals more potent than the old version? Am I getting so thin I need to cut down on my Risperdal? Is the heat getting to me? Is it PMS?

I don't know... all I know is I'm dizzy! Lightheaded, all the time. It's aggravating. I almost blacked out a few times, too, very embarrassing. It was bad enough that I decreed a WEEK off of working out - unheard of for me.

I'm still busy at work, I lifted plenty of heavy cases of drinks today and moved a couple of vending machines, but I feel very delicate. I don't like it at all.

Eating seems to help so I'm assuming it's low blood sugar. I have a lot of the symptoms and even though I've eaten over 2000 calories today here I am, lightheaded and hungry again.

I plan to cut my Risperdals in half for a few days and see if that helps. Riseperdal has been linked to hypoglycemia and diabetes. I'm guessing that maybe I can get away with a smaller dose.

Yuck!

I've been feeling a little uninspired with regards to my blogs lately so I've just done the low-carb and workout blogs. Even those have been pretty basic.

This morning was a busy day for me, I woke up, ran, came home, did weights in the garage, ate, cleaned up, went to the blood bank and donated blood, and went to the mall with Ron to get a new cell phone. He's got ringtones for me and a good freind, and "Taking Care of Business" for everyone else. I think it's great.

He got the same model I did, but in a different color.

I was worried about donating blood for a couple of reasons: I'm probably fatter than I was the last time I donated. It's harder to get at the veins. I'm taking mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and antipsychotics. Would I get sick? Would I freak out?

No. It was a very easy stick and the Blood Bank did their best to spoil me rotten. The center is only about 5 minutes from the house, it's very easy. Actually, now's the time to mention that Ron donated too. He had a very easy time... I was just barely a little dizzy "directly" afterwards but it wasn't bad. So now they're processing our blood and some lucky trauma victim will get it in the next couple weeks.

I find it cute to think that Ron and I have "opposite" blood types. He is type A and I am type B. We'll go back in a couple months. My uncle needed blood recently - how selfish would it be to say, thanks but we won't give you any?

I got some protein powders too. I orderd 2, Syntrax Nectar Lattes Cappuccino flavor (here's the link http://www.bodybuilding.com/store/syn/lattes.html ) and some Calcium Caseinate. Caseinate is the main protein in milk and cheese, it's slower digesting. The variety I bought is very low carb and a good price. It needs a blender, though, or you will never mix it. I blended some up with some egg white protein powder (also hard to mix) and put it in the fridge. Now I can just pour some and add the good Syntrax. The Syntrax comes in a delicious mocha flavor with no carbs. It is delicious. I mean, seriously, seriously good. I am so glad I have over 2 pounds of the stuff. I also have a lemonade flavor I love. I can add either of them to my "other proteins" and make a good shake. The Syntrax is a fast protien, the others are slower release.

I'm feeling very tired and lazy today. It's understandable. I gave blood, I ran, I lifted weights. I take medication.

Oh, I need more weight plates. I'm lifting so much I'm using up my stash of weights.

On breasts

A few days ago Ron realized I was short on cash and gave me a small cash "gift". He's a sweetie. Buy yourself something fun, Heather.

I went to the bookstore and looked at the weightlifting books. Nothing really appealed. I paged through all the magazines and found a few that looked interesting. I'm always interested in articles about performance nutrition, protien powder supplementation, etc. I don't care so much for the chemically enhanced bodybuilders but it is nice to clearly see the muscle groups I'm improving in such awesome detail.

I find the women in the magazines both inspiring and pitiful. Let's start with the two girls in the magazine ad for supreme protien bars. They have obviously embarked on an extensive program. They eat clean. They have very little visible bodyfat and they are very sexy. They have obvious curves and nothing to be ashamed of - so why breast implants? They are plenty attractive without the silicon blobs in their chests.

I believe that implants make a woman less sexy, by saying to the world "I'm not happy with my body". Let's be honest, breasts are composed of glands and FATTY tissue. If you have low bodyfat, your breasts will be smaller. So what? They are firm, tight breasts. The sight of a woman who's probably 5'6", 110 pounds, and a D cup is just plain UNNATURAL.

Maybe if we refused to accept models like that as the norm, we would have more realistic standards? When I was a underweight-overfat teen, I was an A cup. Once I got above about 140, I went up to a B cup. Guess what'll happen if I go below 140? I'll shrink again. Sometimes, more often than not, in fact, I think that would be great. They get hot. I have to make sure the bras have enough support. It's a hassle at times. I'd love to wear the sport tops with the built in bra but that won't happen for a while!

I'm fine with that. It's normal. If I'm skinny, I'll be somewhat flat. It's realistic. I'm sure my husband will be fine with it too. If not, I'll eat a few higher carb meals and gain 'em back.

So, we've covered the models in the magazines. What about the competitors? EW! They scare the crap out of me. If I honestly thought I would wake up looking like them, I would never lift a weight in my life! I think they look awful and again, most of them have implants. Obligatory long hair, enough muscles to make me think they're getting shots...I'm not saying they are but it ain't natural! Why don't any of them have short hair, like me? Do they get a memo?

I think they scare 97% of the regular population. I don't want to be scary, just fit and strong.

I'll do it without implants, too.

Squatting in the garage

Nintendo DS Lite Games

My home gym

Purchase Nintendo DS Lite

Me on July 5th

Nintendo DS Lite Onyx

Onto happier subjects

I finally put up links to my other two blogs. I enjoy them.

Heather's Heavy Metal is my powerlifting blog - all about the weights. If you're not interested in weights you can skip that one. Some of the language is a bit strong.

Heather Shrinks is my low-carb blog. If you want the recipe to the latest thing I created, or a detailed food log, workouts I'm doing, etc, go there.

Everything else goes here. Tonight I plan to cook up some cube steaks and freeze 'em. I'm going to be a horrible person and go shop at Walmart tomorrow. I swore I'd never do that when I worked retail - now I'm becoming the thing I hated! [grin]

I went to the fireworks stand today and bought some. We like "Things where you light the fuse and they go up in the air and go bang" - Ron. We're very fond of Twitter Glitters and Saturn Missles. The artillery shell things make me nervous. Those could do some damage. I got some 36-shot items and some other count items (9,16, etc). We spent a few hours' pay.

Ron's soynuts just arrived. Remember when I was so "into" soynuts a couple months ago? We bought them from here: http://www.soynuts.com

That's it for now. I've got a date with some cube steaks.

Enough about his family

Ron's decided to leave things the way they are. He's made enough attempts at reconciliation. He doesn't want to play games. He has (in my opinion) absolutely nothing to apologize for. "I'm sorry I was seriously injured and it looked like Heather might need some help?" I mean, what do you say? They have our number and address, we're in the book. Ron and Heather ____ . If they want to have a relationship with us, we've offered the olive branch for years.

It is my humble opinion that they don't want a relationship, they are terrified of the idea that one day Ron may have a complication and end up moving in with them. That fear overwhelms all other emotions. My opinion only.

Sure, I wasn't easy. Hell, I was in about the most stressful situation possible! My husband's dying, I got laid off, he got robbed, I had no rent money, I'm looking at eviction... my whole life is in turmoil. Thank God I had a loving family that stepped up when I needed them. They provided everything we needed until things got settled and Ron had a monthly check coming in to cover the bills. If I wasn't sugar, if I got impatient, I'm sorry. They were pretty nasty to me too. They called me horrible names. They lied about me to Ron's doctors. They kidnapped me on one occasion. They deliberately said the most hateful things they could.

I forgive them for that but I have an awful hard time forgiving them for hurting Ron. That's what burns me. I'm still working on that one.

The fences they broke

Ron's been talking to his parents recently and she told him she wants him to resolve "it" with his brother and sister. "It" being the way they treated us after Ron's accident. They wanted to throw his life away and put him in a nursing home because he would need some help after the accident.

I told them, I'd do everything for Ron. As it turns out, all I needed was an occasional ride to Walmart. A tough job to be sure. I told them, don't worry, I don't need anything. They did worry and the intrigues continued. They ended up dropping us right when I decided to depend on them for some small tasks. That's fine. I don't miss them.

Here are some examples:
* If Ron loves you so much, why didn't he marry you? At the time, Ron would ask for me repeatedly if I wasn't there. He never did that with anyone else.

* Telling the doctor I was "Crazy" and unfit to care for him. The doctor laughed at them.

* Instructing me to lie to the doctor and tell her I had a back back, so I couldn't care for Ron. When I refused, they told the doctor themselves. She laughed at them.

* Deciding to throw away Ron's life (business, apartment, etc) and throw him in a nursing home because it would be easier.

* Name-calling and plotting behind my back when I refused to go along.

* Making their own plans that would have ruined my life and his. Fortunately Ron was able to talk his Dad out of them.

* His brother kidnapped me one day and held me hostage, yelling at me in the car until I threatened to break a window.

* Being hateful after the accident, when Ron tried to mend fences THEY broke.

Ron's talked about writing them a letter to let them know why he doesn't want contact. I'm considering enclosing my own letter but I think it wouldn't do any good. I know it won't do any good.

Would it make me feel better? Maybe. But I think why even invest that little bit of energy into them? I just dread the idea of some family gathering where they all put on the plastic faces. I'd have to go to help Ron.

Sigh. I'm going to think on it for a while.