Tuesday

 I didn't sleep well last night and woke up dreadfully depressed, which culminated in me standing in front of the bathroom mirror debating if I had the energy to wash my hair today (I did).  I also managed to do half my God Time before the groceries arrived, put those away and did the prayer portion.  I also re-read "The Value of Trials", a tract I got from Grace and Truth.  

It has a line "The immature and insensitive heart is largely unable to comfort others" which reminds me of a coworker.  I speak very little about Ron but would mention I was having a rough day, or sad on my day off, that sort of 10 second thing.  One day she blew up at me and said I "talked too much about my dead husband".  So I don't mention him to her even though she talks a lot about hers.  I think I scare her, reminded her she could lose her guy at any moment.  

If it bothers you to hear about Ron's death evaluate a few things in your life like insurance, will, etc. just to be on the cautious side.  I thank God Ron had the mortgage insurance policy which looks to pay, and the will leaving me everything so there is no drama from his family.  

So I managed to dig my way out of the depression.  I decided to have half a can of macaroni and beef for brunch.  The cats got very excited when I opened the can so I set the full, open, can on the floor.  I figured they would each (Baby Girl and Biscuit) have a sniff and then say "Meh, no thanks".  Biscuit did just that but BG began licking up the sauce.  I let her have some and then heated it up for me, let her lick out the bowl when I was done (I left her some hamburger crumbles in addition to the sauce, but no noodles.  No way does she need to eat noodles.)   She does like some people foods and is not a puker like Biscuit so I try to accommodate her now and then.  

I will say I am honestly not sure what Ron would have to say about it, though.  Would he be happy I am treating her or upset I am giving her "junk"?  I don't know.  Probably the first.  And she's a good little cat so I don't mind.  I will never forget the sight of her saying goodbye to Ron

When I think about all the ways Ron could have died, liver failure, dementia, cancer, etc. I am really glad he just dropped with minimal suffering.  It was a pretty clean, quick, way to go whatever it was.  Of course I would rather have him healthy and whole in my arms here but he was just getting worse and suffering more and more.  

I can see why the "Angel of Death" killers think they are doing people a favor by killing them because so many people do suffer terribly at the end of their lives.  That doesn't make it right but I am glad I never had the prospect of giving Ron a little "extra" morphine from hospice vs. letting him suffer.  It's hard to say what I would have done.  I hated to watch him suffer.  

To state the obvious, no, I did not kill him.  I wasn't even home when he died.  They did a full autopsy.  They even made the crematorium keep his body for weeks after they finished just in case they needed to go back.  And he looked really good except for the lividity and his lips being white, he looked very relaxed and comfortable.  But that dead weight of his arm flopping into my belly as I did CPR was something that took a while to forget.  But I did everything right, gave him his medication, fed him, bathed him, etc.  It was just his time.  

I am glad I was not there he might have made horrible noises I would have trouble forgetting.  I would have been frantic trying to "save" him.  I was, as it stood, anyway.  But he's gone and I'm still wrapping my head around that.  

It's just a hard day.  

The Chainsmokers - Don't Let Me Down (Lyrics) ft. Daya

Probably the most apt song for what I've got on my plate right now.  

Captions for my deaf friends.  

Video Blog June 7 2021

Will do a "real" post later.  

Friday morning

 This won't be long.  Depressed yesterday as Mom and Dad were dealing with their portion of Ron's ashes.  They took him to his favorite park and spread him among the redwoods.  

Very nice, I felt.  What he would have wanted.  

Work was pretty uneventful except for a severe rain storm which caused a lot of leaking.  Nothing leaked around me, though.  Jack got me on time of course and then straight home, talk to Mom and Dad, text my aunt I was OK, and then bed.  

I slept pretty well but woke up with a nasty headache.  I took some Excedrin which is doing a fair job.  I am able to work.  I just can't afford to lose 8 hours of pay.  

My compression socks are supposed to arrive today.  My vitamin order is not due to arrive for another week.  At least I know.  I got some hair vitamins, and some soap, that's about it.  Not a huge order so I can see why it didn't get the golden treatment.  

I used my minoxidil last night before I went to bed (topical hair regrowth treatment) I hope that didn't have anything to do with the headache.  I may wait and use it Sunday night next time just in case it is.  I sure don't want another one of these headaches on a work day, even a short one.  I am just unhappy with the hair on the top of my head it seems very thin.  I have been through a lot of stress this year, though.  

Cats are good I haven't seen much of Cleo but I have seen and petted everyone else tonight/today.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday

 My aunt wanted some doctor information and I didn't have the dates... so I did a search on "doctor" in the blog.  Big mistake a lot of matches.  So I went by month and scrolled until I found the dates.  

I didn't sleep great but I slept enough.  Got up.  Depressed.  Did my God time, got my grocery delivery.  Looked up my Amazon order, I accidentally shipped my compression socks to my parents.  Oops.  I ordered another set which will get here Friday.  I called Mom and she said she will send mine back to me.  Hope I like them!  I took a short nap with Cleo, who laid all stretched out in my bed like a "real" cat and not a fabulous former feral.  I even had Spotty walking around on my chest and meowing at me.  

I heard the mosquito truck the other day and sure enough they are much better.  So I could sit outside in the fresh air for a while.  I think it is important to get some sun and fresh air every day if I can.  I checked my schedule, I have two nine hour days and then two four hour days.  I work Sunday, the 3 month anniversary of Ron's death, but not long.  Just long enough to hopefully keep me from feeling sorry for myself.  My aunt is filling out the life insurance paperwork, it looks promising.  About the only reason they wouldn't pay is if he had committed suicide in the first 2 years.  And we're 17 years into the policy.  So we will see.  

I will be glad when that is all settled because I do worry.  Who wouldn't?  The prospect of possibly losing my house is huge, especially on top of everything else.  I will say it is amusing a lot of companies tried to draft me to work in the insurance field as I think I would have some pretty compelling arguments for it especially now.  But you really need to drive for that sort of thing and there is a process to become an insurance agent.  

I tried my collagen shake it is not bad with a little vanilla whey.  More protein can only help with hair growth.  Will definitely help my immune system and musculoskeletal system.  So I will be doing that as long as I can afford it.  

I can afford protein powders as I am not eating much outside of a serving or two a day.  I am not losing weight and frankly not looking to lose weight as then I have to buy new pants.  Years ago I read a low carb diet book "The Secret to Low Carb Success" sadly not available in Kindle.  But she said you won't "apparently" lose the last 2 weeks of your cycle, but once you start it will come off, those first 2 weeks of your cycle are dynamite for weight loss.  So it is possible I will see a "gush" of weight loss when I start in a few days.  I will see.  I do think I have some smaller jeans out in the garage.  The belt is a huge pain in the ass, to be honest.  I urinate several times a day and it is a big hassle to unfasten and then refasten the belt.  We will see.  

Biscuit is doing well he just had a nice stretch.  I got them another bag of food, they go through about 7 pounds (one bag) of Iams Urinary formula a week.  So each cat eats a little over a pound of dry cat food a week.  They are always happy to eat it and cry for more every morning so that's good.  

Tomorrow I may get them some turkey shreds.  They all like that.  I feed it very occasionally as Biscuit really has to have a strict diet.  But I do like to give them a treat on occasion.  God knows I would get very sick eating the same food nonstop.  

I also got some soy milk for me.  I figure any protein is good right about now.  I also need to figure out lunch for tomorrow.  I am feeling lazy so I will likely make some PB&J and have that.  Maybe with some carrot juice.  

I just looked in the garage, 5 pair of long jeans (what I need for work) in a size 22.  I also found my workout clothes and long underwear, I had thought those had been lost by the movers.  So I "can" lose weight 5 pair are more than enough.  

It is hard for me as I have a short inseam (28) and a big middle.  So it has to be a women's size and a petite inseam, not always easy to find.  I have been a 24 but with my murdered appetite I expect I will lose some before long.  I generally only have one type to choose from and it comes in a dark blue or a black.  I don't like light washes in my jeans, cute if you are a size 3 but I am not!  

I will say I was a size 7 as a teenager.  Ron always said he was "King Midas" and made me fat when we ran off together.  But I blame my education we were not taught healthy eating habits at all.  

I notice I am not eating emotionally since he died.  I don't say 'Oh I'm so sad I'm going to go binge on a tub of cheesecake filling (which I actually have)."  No, when I eat that I have a few spoonfuls and put it back.   Someone told me I probably don't realize how much stress I had with him alive.  

He was profoundly disabled and needed help with everything.  I worried constantly I would not be able to provide what he needed, or I would screw up and he would get hurt or die.  He drank constantly.  He wouldn't take most of his prescriptions.  He was "sundowning" at the end, getting very rowdy and disruptive every night.  He was falling out of bed; yet refusing bed rails.  He wouldn't let me bathe him very often and then only his armpits and privates.  Plus I had the weight of managing the business on top of that, always, constantly, wondering what I would come home to when I opened the door or if he was going to have another seizure.  This is just the stuff I feel comfortable talking about.  

I will say I had no problem throwing out all the urinals the day he died.  I was SICK of them.  So in a sense that's a load off of me.  But I have other burdens now, keeping my job, wondering about the house, etc.  Will the cats remain healthy?  That sort of thing.  Will I have a problem going or coming from work?  Who knows.  

I am trying to focus on my faith walk every day.  This morning it all seemed overwhelming so I broke it into portions and did one of those, took a break, did the next, etc.  That worked pretty well.  

And speaking of work I really do need to get the house mopped.  I'm going to do that.  

Heather Boutte Video Blog 6/1/21

Very early Tuesday

 Well, apparently I only needed seven and a half hours of sleep last night, up at 3.  But I live in a house so I can run the washer, play my music (on a very low volume), etc.  

Yesterday a fire ant bit me while I sat at this chair.  I went out and inspected, found a huge mound - two of them - on my outside wall.  I used the last of the Amdro ant bait to poison them.  Then I bought more.  

I have been stingy with a lot of purchases, not getting things, making do with what I have, even taking leftovers to work for lunch.  But I'm buying the ant bait.  Amazon was happy to roll that into the purchase of my compression socks so I will get ant poison and socks all in one order.  

I am not losing weight, size is about the same but hips are down half an inch.  I am not overly worried, after all if I lose a lot of weight I will have to buy new jeans.  Blood work says I am healthy that is all that matters, and I got my new vitamins delivered yesterday.  

It is funny but the Walmart generic women's vitamin actually has what I want in a vitamin, so I take those.  I take Swanson or Spring Valley vitamins for the rest of my needs.  But the WM has 100% iron and a good amount of biotin in addition to basic B's and other things I need.  And 200 tablets are only $8 can't beat that.  

I have no backup plan I have to take really good care of myself.  But thinking back to some of my depressions I am really glad I am pretty well managed these days.  I couldn't afford, literally, one of those depressions right about now.  

I think I underestimated the stress I was under caring for Ron.  I worried constantly.  Those worries are pretty much over.  I just wonder about cause of death.  But he's cremated and at home now.  My Dad says they will sprinkle Ron in Huddart County Park on Thursday.  Ron loved to hike in that park, that's one of the top places I knew he had to go.  Dad has said he is very honored I asked him to help.  

Ron is not who Dad wanted for me but I always did better with him around, and Dad had to respect that he made me happy.  And at the end of the day I feel like my life was better with him in it.  

Sure not looking for someone else right around now.  I haven't ruled out someone else "someday" but for now I just want to focus on healing.  And I think that is the best perspective.  

Come to think the women in my family never remarried.  My maternal grandmother, widowed young, never remarried.  My paternal grandmother, widowed about my age, never remarried.  My mother, widowed (her last husband, my stepfather) never remarried, and was about late 30's when she lost him.  But I'm not going to rule it out I enjoyed taking care of a husband.  Part of my job overlooks the men's clothing department and I get very nostalgic when I see women shopping for the man in their lives.  

But Ron had been training me to live without him for a very long time.  I have been getting myself around town for over a year now.  I am doing stellar on the bus always very early to work, punch in 5 minutes early every day, punch out on time, out to the bus.  I had been doing all the bill paying, etc. monthly reports for the business.  I had been doing the actual work as well.  Didn't mind, Ron's back was a mess and he couldn't.  

Emotionally I think I am doing OK leaning some on my family but they are OK with that.  

Things I don't have in my life anymore: 

4 hour workday.  Uber rides.  That's about it.     

That's it for now.  Should be running errands with my aunt, later.