Today I had a drug interaction. I took a chromium supplement with my lithium, and the chromium magnified the lithium side effects.
I walked around stupid all day, running into walls, running over my feet with my hand-cart at work, and hardly able to articulate my thoughts. It was pretty awful, I was happy to come home and go to bed.
So grateful that I COULD just go to bed. So grateful I don't have a child depending on me!
I took a nap for a few hours. When I woke up, I still felt fairly crappy. As I looked at my clock, I realized it was PILL TIME. I had to take more of what had made me ill, or risk getting "sick".
Days like today I can see why people give up and stop their bipolar medication. It's hard to take the long view when you forget to pull your underwear down in the bathroom, and you have to stand up again, battling dizziness, to do so. It's hard when people stare at you or you can't communicate a simple thought to a co-worker or your spouse. It's hard when you forget what key opens the stockroom.
And yet, I got up and fixed some food. I cooked the meat that had the sell-by date of today. I put that up in the fridge, did the dishes, and cut up some cheese for a snack. I peeled some grapefruit and added that to my cheese plate. Did I mention I was queasy, too?
I sat down and watched my "monster movie" as I ate my cheese and grapefruit - it's an excellent snack, I'm glad I decided to "try" grapefruit. It's good for my fasting blood sugars too.
Anyway, I ate my food and took my pills. Why? Because I told my husband: I can be stupid, or I can be scary. I don't want to be scary. No one avoids me when I'm like this... they all seem very patient and understanding. Ron thanks me for the "sacrifices" I make.
Gee, let's think. I'm giving up Bad Thoughts, Delusions, Hallucinations, feeling out of control, feeling like I could never depend on my own mind, my husband in fear of me, pissing people off because I was just so damned grumpy, attitudes, picking fights with strangers, and suicidal depressions. Where's the sacrifice?
I thank God every day that my illness got so bad. Taking my pills is the easiest thing I do every day. I know what to expect if I don't!
2 comments:
awesome job Heather good for you being able to see the bigger picture in life ...
what was the turning point for you? what was your "bottom" the thing that triggered you to stick with the meds and work on staying healthy? I would love to know ..my patients that I see are all doing well on thier meds and like you hang in and keep moving forward with the support of wonderful family members and firends...however the folks that do not do well ..usually are still looking for insight or something ..I wish sometimes I could reach inside the brain and just turn a screw to help them get an edge on the behaviors that get them in trouble ..anyway I wish we had better meds than lithium it is very toxic and people get so sick on it ...like you imply you have such a fine line to walk and you always have to be aware where you are so you can adjust accordingly ..
you need to teach a class on bipolar meds :) you would be brilliant!!!!
brains are our control center and our most powerful of organs ..when they are not feeling good it causes such a huge snowball ...congratulations for learning how to work with your brain! if we could all learn from you!
are you knitting anything beautiful lately? how is the garden? mine is going nuts and I eat out of it 3 times a day!
take care sweet lady sorry you had such a bout of nausea I will have to check out chromium with lithium and let my patients know ...if they dont already ..most are smarter than I am about these things!!!
I guess for me, H, was the fact that I didn't even know I had something treatable. I had been told repeatedly I was NOT bipolar, I'd just had a tough life, poor baby. Ugh. If I had a dollar for every hour spent in talk therapy I could pay off the mortgage.
I thought there was no help, I thought it would just progress until one day I killed myself. Up down, mixed, hallucinating, rapid cycling, delusional, no help at all.
Then, one day, a guy says "You're bipolar. You're having a mixed episode. What are you going to do about it?"
I said "They have drugs don't they? Treatment?" He agreed. Well, I said, I'm going to find a doctor and get some medication!
I had been in hell for a very long time... now someone (my p-doc) was throwing me a rope. He loves me, my doc. The first visit, he handed me samples. I had just eaten at the bakery downstairs. He said take one of these, and one of these in the morning. I said OK, and took one of each right there in the office!
I know what will happen if I got off my meds - hell in my brain again. That's never going to happen. Ever. I am convinced that is why God allowed my illness to get so bad before I was diagnosed, to let me see what happens off meds.
We're in the middle of a horrible drought! Almost everything has died except for the herbs, scented geraniums, and all. Some tomatoes are doing OK but other than that it's the dead season for a Texas garden... too damnned hot!
I'm still working on "Frosty's afghan" but not much recently, again too hot! I've been doing a lot of BBQ in my new smoker, though. I love that thing!
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