Proprioception

 An odd feature of my disability I know what's wrong and can discuss it.  

For instance, my sense of proprioception, my sense of where I am.  What does that mean?  Driving is a good example, I couldn't keep track of my location in relation to the other cars around me.  Walking around I occasionally run into things because I can't process their location in time to stop.  

When I was young I had a terrible time learning to walk as a result of this.  I was about 2 before I learned.  My aunt has said she doesn't remember my exact milestones, but she and my grandmother often commented I was reaching them far beyond my slightly older girl cousin.  She would do X at 6 months, I would be 9 or 10 months.  I was actually diagnosed as "borderline retarded" as an infant.  Let me tell you that sent my mother into a spiral.  Even as late as my teens, my "performance" was always a solid 80 or so (limited) in comparison to sky high verbal intelligence scores.  

God can and does make beauty for ashes, because of all this, I have an evangelism ministry.  That said the old proprioception/;;;;" got me last night and I smacked the outside of my hand, on my hand cart, as I brought a heavy case of Bibles in the house.  It's an incredibly minor injury, the cats do far worse to me regularly.  It did bleed a fair amount.  I was standing in front of the sink, dripping blood, laughing because it's the same finger I broke when I fell on the Bible Handout a few years ago.

Like I said, incredibly minor.  I was surprised how much it bled.  I also thought that is funny 2x at least I have been hurt sharing the gospel to the point of shedding blood.  I don't think a lot of Americans can say that.  

But I just have a different life and I have come to accept that.  A lot of cats, a lot of evangelism.  A thankless retail hustle.  A nice safe place to live but in the ghetto every time I leave my neighborhood.  

My allergies have been pretty bad so I tried some Flonase last night.  I slept pretty well but I had a Flonase headache this morning.  I'm glad I'm off.  

Biscuit got under the covers with me this morning which thrilled me.  Cats hate, hate, hate being under the covers.  I don't even try.  But, on his own, he wiggled under there next to me curled up on my side (that's just how I sleep), he snuggled into the curve of my body and stuck his head out from under the covers.  I would have loved a photo.  I wrapped an arm around him (not over, they hate that too, around) and just enjoyed him.  He left about 10 minutes later.  What a sweet boy!  

Spotty got up in my lap while I was doing the earlier part of the blog.  

I double checked the schedule and I'm still off for 4 days with a 4 hour shift on Monday!  

One of my friends who drives a bus late at night called me last night to verify I wasn't riding.  It was miserably cold last night and I thought that was tremendously sweet.  People love me, I am seeing that.  

Ron did a real number on me.  

Here's another one.  I'll even put up a link: 

The day that lives in infamy

So he got very drunk and beat the crap out of me, if you don't want to read the link.  I was black and blue for weeks.  Arms, legs, he hit me in the face but it didn't bruise.  

Side note, a coworker accidentally smacked me in the face with something, was hugely remorseful (this woman is made of sugar and not a spiteful bone in her).  I said, absently "Don't worry, I've been hit in the face plenty and it never leaves a mark" I heard a choked gasp and I looked up at her goggling at me, mouth open.  I simply said "My husband" and went back to work.  

So my face was OK but the rest of me was not.  I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while.  1.  Because, like I said in the post, I wanted to kill him.  2.  I didn't want him to kill me.  3.  I had to figure out where I was going.  

Long story short I went back.  I thought the blackout was a one time deal.  

 Side note, Ron actually told me, when we were dating "I have blackouts and I beat up my girlfriend during one of them, but she had it coming and I don't do that anymore.  You're not like that I would never hurt you and I don't drink anymore"  I didn't realize what that meant.  I read part of a report written on me that said, in part "Heather is extremely naive and trusting" and boy was I.  

Anyway I thought he had learned his lesson, he acted remorseful.  I also found out Ron would lose his federal security clearance if he was charged with domestic violence (a good idea, actually), so we would both be unemployed if I pressed charges.  I would lose my home, the cats, my whole life.  For what?  He made a big production out of pouring out the alcohol.  Swore he would never drink anything stronger than wine and only a box a month.  

Ron had a really bad habit with the drinking.  He would drink more than he had agreed and say "See, I'm fine I don't need these rules" and that happened pretty quickly.  

This isn't really about that, awful as it was.  This is about when I came back.  So I came back and Ron acted like the victim.  He would make big, dramatic, apologies in front of other people but in private basically tell me I had it coming because I tried to keep him from walking on broken glass in his bare feet.  He would do these long, pitiful speeches about how "I really messed up' to our regular drivers who would feel sorry for him.  He beat the crap out of me!  If I'd pressed charges he would have gone to prison!  

That, to me, was the sickest and most disgusting thing.  That he would beat the crap out of me and make himself out to be the victim.  Side note: everyone, and I mean everyone, kept asking me "What did you do to make him beat you up?"  

It doesn't work that way!  

Praise God I made it to a day off

 Tuesday a coworker wasn't looking well.  I asked, she said she was feeling run down.  I asked if she'd like a hug and she said yes, so I gave her one.  She called in sick today.  

Now conventional wisdom says "Heather that was really stupid now you're going to catch it" but I don't care.  She was hurting.  

God sent me here to minister to hurting souls, and if He moves on me to do something I'm going to do it.  I've already shared that one time I was suicidal back in 1992.  I took it to Jesus, and He moved on someone to come talk to me.  I want to be used that way.  

It's actually fairly terrifying to go to the Lord and say 'Use me however you want."  But I have and continue to do that. I have a lot of peace on that.  

And that's why it doesn't bother me they have thrown my schedule in the blender.  I'm still getting 32 hours.  And I'm reaching an amazing number of people.  

A week or so ago I bought a couple packages of Hot Hands.  Each package has 4 handwarmers encased in Mylar.  You open the pouch, there is a second pouch inside full of a substance that warms on contact with Oxygen.  I had one this morning, I gave it away.  I gave another one to a bus driver - who got me going home, as well, and made a point of thanking me for it.  There was a nice older man in a leather coat at the bus stop leaving the grocery store.  Poor man was freezing to death.  He got one.  This isn't difficult to do.  

Side note: in Houston you will see a variety of responses to very cold weather.  Many poor folk just wear a blanket around their shoulders like some sort of refugee.  The women tend to wear a cozy coat.  The men who aren't in abject poverty tend to have a leather jacket - no liner.  They wear that.  They're obviously freezing, but they're styling.  

I have never cared what I looked like in a coat as long as it was warm.  One of my favorite coats was a huge feather thing that looked like a sleeping bag with arms.  It was so, so, warm.  The feathers would migrate out, it ripped easily, but it was so warm.  

These days - and I plan to get myself a parka this year, probably in July when they'll be cheap - it will be a light color easily visible at the bus stop.  

I wore 2 pairs of long underwear - wind chill in the 20's - it was still fairly cold.  I had my parka but Lands End quality control really went to hell the year I bought it.  I have had multiple issues.  My aunt did a patch job but I need to think about another one eventually.  Something online I'm thinking.  I will just go up a size or two from actual because I like a bigger coat with a little room in it.  

Years ago I got several pairs of wool socks on clearance and I wore a pair of them as well.  And my trusty military surplus navy wool watch cap.  It looks like something a homeless man would reject but it's cozy.  I have an enormous wrap/scarf thing that is 8 feet long and a couple of feet wide.  With that, the hat, a parka, and my ratty "pop top" gloves I am pretty well set, especially if I have a handwarmer in one of the gloves.  It's not a stylish look.  

I'm going to bed.  Lots more on my days off.  

Lookout weekend

 I didn't get much sleep but I'm here.  

I made some boneless pork chops in the crock pot last night.  I decided it would be better to do it that way.  I was exhausted and didn't want to fry them.  I chopped up some plantains, onion, sweet potatoes, threw in some smoked paprika and cumin seeds, we'll see how it turned out.  Normally I cook things like that on low for several hours.  I set it for low when I went to bed.  I decided to turn it up to "high" for another hour before I put it in the fridge.  It is simmering right now.  

It's cold this morning wind chills likely in the 20's.  Even Scrappy is home.  

That's a happy boy right there.  

I have 4 days off in a row, today I work 4 hours, Monday I work 4 hours as well.  Sometimes working with my boss I wonder if I am really everything she implies, then I looked at another employee in my department, a good worker, and she was dreading clocking in yesterday when she saw the boss was there.  Not because she doesn't want supervision it's just the way she supervises.  I can use a little break from that.  I am also completely sleep deprived.  

I plan to do my hair and watch a lot of TV, do some laundry, a lot of cooking and some cleaning.  The weather will be nice by Monday.  

That's it for now!  

Tuesday night thoughts.

 The boss is staying late today that is not fun.  

While walking through the store I heard someone calling my name.  It was the marriage counselor Ron and I saw in 2005.  He didn't ask about Ron (maybe because he saw my bare left hand) and I didn't tell him.  I just gave him a hug and went back to work.  

While waiting for my dinner I thought about an incident from many years ago.  

When I was a teenager and young adult I really enjoyed going to the mall.  There was a large and thriving mall fairly close to my apartment in CA.  Ron would go with me.  

I used to like to go to a bath and body shop.  It had big jars of perfume oil I could apply and a lot of highly priced things I could not afford.  One time we went and I applied a new fragrance behind my right ear.  It was one of those fruity scents so popular in the 90's.  

I had an acute allergic reaction.  My ear swelled up and became incredibly itchy and painful.  Ron was mortified I had "Allowed" this to happen and kept asking me what people would think of him walking with me like that.  I was sick.  I was in pain.  I could have died.  He should have taken me to the ER.  Instead he had a tantrum and demanded we leave.

I'm just going to leave it there and go do something fun.  

I just have to shake my head

 There is a task I will call mopping the floor.  I am very good at mopping the floor.  Everyone else hates to mop the floor.  When the boss isn't looking they ask for my help, and if I can, I give it because they are good, kind, people.  

A couple weeks ago my boss said I was "mopping the floor wrong" and I "would be written up, there's going to be some accountability" if I did it any more.  So I stopped.  I was doing it correctly, though.  

Yesterday my other boss said I need to get "going on mopping the floor, OK?" in a very serious voice, as I was leaving.  Hello?  You told me to stop, with threats.  They don't know what the hell they're doing.  

So I will do that today.  [shaking my head]  This is why I won't buy Walmart stock.  

I like to look up recipes on my down time, on my phone.  I also like to look at cat rescue stories and photos of my gang while listening to Christian hard rock and metal on my earbuds.  The earbuds were a really good ($10) use of a gift card.  I also like to listen on the bus if the driver doesn't want to talk.  

I got some chocolate on clearance.  There's a coworker of mine who has been through a lot.  I think, like me, Valentine's is just a terrible time for her.  I saw her on the 15th.  I had gotten some Peanut M&M's in the big bag (on clearance) to share with coworkers.  I waved her over with a smile, offered her the bag, and said Happy Clearance Day!  She laughed at that, got a handful, and left.  So I had 2 bags of Peanut M&M's for coworkers and 3 bags of chocolate candy for drivers.  I managed to score a bag of Ghiradelli (sp?) even though I didn't get in to work until after 7 on the 15th.  I also got a couple of the wrapped, Reese's, Hearts although I have to handle it with gloves as it has peanuts.  

I need to buy some more candy to hand out but I got enough groceries.  Yesterday I got off at 4:30 but I got delayed leaving.  When I did leave I saw my bus passing the store.  So much for that.  I caught the next one, a lovely lady who was just delighted to see me and chatted all the way to my stop.  

I went to the import store on the way home.  The very serious older man was running the shop.  I'm a talker and I was talking to myself a little as I shopped.  "Ooh!  Henna!  The good one!"  That kind of thing.  I heard him chuckle a time or two and then he settled down with a paperback.  I got some incense, some fancy soap, the henna, spices, Haleem Wheat, Paneer cheese, etc.  I spent about $40.  I can do a lot with what I bought.  One thing I want to try is a Sambar lentil stew, I have what I need for that.  I also got some spice mix for Tikka Masala.  I just need to get some plain yogurt for that.  

I came home after that, called my parents.  My schedule has been all over the place, I don't know why, it doesn't really matter.  I am getting the hours I need.  

What I have not said is that "Coach" (over my bosses) gave me a 4 hour shift on Wednesday, 4 days off in a row, a 4 hour shift on Monday.  So I basically get a vacation starting tomorrow.  

That's why I really need to get all that work done today.  

I slept pretty well last night, and no headache (Sunday post, and Monday morning)

 The plantains in rice (in the crock pot) are a game changer.  They are great for taking my medication as well.  

I have some pork chops and a ton of vegetables in the crock pot that will cook all day while I'm working.  

My schedule is pretty rough this week, a lot of "daily doubles" as I call them, work a night, come in early the next day.  I'll make it.  I am paying for 2 rides home this week.  

I rode home with someone who has the ear of the boss.  I told her 2 things: 1.  I like working 11-8 that would be great (boss wants that too) and 2.  I don't care which days I have off but 2 together in the middle of the week would be great (everyone wants the weekend).  

Sunday work was pretty crazy as expected.  One thing I don't like about retail - the customer can be the rudest, most verbally abusive, and disrespectful customer and we are just supposed to take it with a smile.  The customer really thinks they can come in and treat us like crap just because we wear a uniform.  And management has the attitude we have to take it with a smile.  

Sometimes, I think, you need to set boundaries, especially with the younger generation.  Take Valentine's candy for instance.  We had some Saturday, none yesterday.  Someone comes up to me "Gimme candy" "Sorry we're out".  "I know you have some, give it to me!"  "We're out!"  "Go check in the back" "I'm sorry we are out"  "Well (cue verbal abuse)"

In a realistic situation we would be able to say "Hey, that's not alright, cut it out" and, if it continued, have them thrown out of the store.  But, at my store at least, it has to be the most egregious abuse before they will step in.  

I had an incident some time ago.  I found a customer opening packages and taking things out.  I said, very nicely, "Ma'am, please don't open the packages" She went off on me cursed me out, shouted at me, etc.  Then she went and found my boss, said "I was rude".  She came to me (thankfully not with the customer) and took the customer's side even though I explained she was opening packages (we are supposed to stop them).  So I got it twice.  

How likely am I to stop the next customer?  

The customer has learned they can be as abusive as they want, all they have to do is say "The associate was rude" and the associate gets in trouble.  "I want to cash this phony check for $10K" "Sorry we can't do that" "Management he was rude to me" (associate gets in trouble) "Sorry you still can't cash the check".  

Side note that same customer came back a week or two later, tried to check out with a $130 stroller.  She had gotten a barcode somewhere for a 50 cents part from hardware and had it stuck on the box.  I was assigned to "help her with a price check" as security caught it.  She kept pointing at "her" barcode.  I scanned it and saw it was not the item.  I took it off (boy was she mad about that) and scanned the correct one, which was $130.  I recognized her so I was very cheerful.  There were lots of witnesses.  So she couldn't say anything about me.  But she tried, later, to get the stroller for $70 I heard her talking to another associate.  She did not get it.  She is stupid because if you pull something like that I'm certain you go in a database with facial recognition.  

We have a system that does facial recognition on everyone who walks in the store and flags known troublemakers, alerts security.  

I'll put up the recipe later but I made roast pork with apples, plantains, lime, and some vegetables.  It turned out very well.   

I plan to cook up stir fry meat (diced boneless pork chops) tonight and freeze that, then I can thaw it, cook with stir fry vegetables.  I have to cook it by the 18th.  

I don't freeze raw meat, only cooked and ideally in a meal.  So the meat will be done at least then I can add whatever veggie sounds good.  I will also pan fry some pork chops with gravy and of course make an unseasoned one for Cleo.  

I also have 10 pounds of chicken.  I plan to make a chicken paprikash with half and then maybe a Tikka masala with the other half.  

That's it for now!  

A couple things including a Handout

 When I was sick a coworker looked me up online.  So I have to assume that, in addition to the pest, I may have her reading as well.  Gulp.  

I have also been very busy.  Working 9 hour shifts with a 90 minute commute each way is no joke!   But the boss said she had asked to make me full time which means I'll net more money.  

I have had some good experiences sharing my faith going home at night (off at 8 PM) so I plan to ride the bus at least 3 days a week, that will save a lot of money too.  I should net about $200 more a pay period.  I plan to take the Ramsay approach and maybe take $40 of that for fun money/lunch that kind of thing and plow the rest into bills.  

Speaking of work a few weeks ago the schedule came out, I was not supposed to work at all this week.  I told my boss who, to put it kindly, flipped out and got on the phone to the lady who made the schedule.  She was told "I want Heather working (this week)!" a pause "11-8!".  But I'm part time only 32 hours a week, which meant if they wanted me Monday - Thursday I couldn't work Friday (fiscal week stuff).  I saw that.  

I don't lie but I can refrain from telling.  I really wanted to do a Valentine's Handout.  They never fixed it, I checked several times, so I went and did that yesterday.  I dressed up the Bibles in cute little gift bags and meant to put some little Valentine's in them as well but I had a migraine.  Good thing I didn't work the buss was hell and it's maybe 20 minutes each way to the venue.  I did put the God Loves You tracts in the Bibles and got them in the gift bags so I feel good about that.  The presentation was a big hit so I'm glad I did it.  

I had gotten a new "garment of praise" t shirt (a brightly colored, very visible, solid t shirt).  I didn't try it on at the store.  I was wearing it over a navy thermal top (I wore matching navy thermals under the t shirt and jeans) and boy that neckline was a little low!  I need to check these details before the day of the Handout!  

The Handout went very well and people seemed very touched.  Please pray for them.  Someone in the chemical plant, I think, saw me working, couldn't leave, and sent his assistant to me to get Bibles.  She wanted one too so I I set them up with enough for the whole office.  I probably should have sent some Spanish, too.  

I battle pride issues - I've been very clear on that.  I have been asking God to help me work on that.  So yesterday I had a ghastly migraine.  It wasn't too bad while I was working but before, after, all night it was brutal.  I'm certainly not arrogant today.  

After the Handout I went to the grocery store with the hand cart.  I had the cart with me of course.  I have a laminated poster board sign.  Corporate was visiting the grocery store when I came shopping after a Handout one day and very nicely told me to put it in a box, please, no distribution.  I respect that, it's there house.  I wouldn't want JW's shoving stuff at me while I shopped.  So I rolled up the sign.  

I just did not feel well at all.  And there's a special kind of hell, grocery shopping with a migraine.  It wasn't that it was loud or bright.  I am used to that at Walmart.  It was fairly crowded but not too bad actually.  But looking at the food (especially the meat!), meal planning, making selections was just very unpleasant.  I did not have problems with the fruit and vegetables, the cheese, just the meat.  I ended up getting 2 kinds of pork chops (with bone, and without, the ones with a bone were a very good deal and can go in the crock pot)  and a 10 pound bag of chicken leg quarters.  The beef is too expensive.  I told myself I would buy myself a nice cut of red meat (maybe a roast or some stew meat) after my promotion.  

In the meantime my coworkers were blowing up my phone, horrified.  I told them I had been scheduled off and why.  I am sure that got back to my boss who seems to be dragging her feet on putting me at full time.  If I had said "They gave me the day off", which is true, it would have sounded like I asked.  I didn't ask.  I put it in God's hands.  He knew why I wanted it off and He gave it to me.  I will have a lot of hard questions today I am sure.  

I got home (a different driver), it was unpleasant.  I put up the food.  I texted my parents and went to bed.  I must have been sick I had the original gangsters (3 cats) with me all night.  

Today isn't too bad, 9-5.  I'll probably get home around 7.  

That's it for now!