I will relate what happened first and do my expository on it.
So last night I got the 7:05 bus. He was running a little late because he had picked up a man in a wheelchair.
If this is your first time reading, I married a blind man who became a wheelchair user as well for 18 years before he died. I have mad respect for nearly every man out there with a disability. It's a hard world.
Ron (my late husband) used to say the worst thing about being (disabled) (as a single man) was the fact that all the woman basically neutered him in their heads and saw him as a null in any romantic plans. They saw him, but they didn't see him. I have had a couple of different men tell me that's one thing they found attractive, that I saw them as "real" men.
That's just how I work.
So I got on the bus and it's the guy in the wheelchair. The pervert, who, last summer, put his hand on my upper thigh when I was looking at my phone, headphones in "Because he wanted some lotion". He had a choice. He could have left me alone, the bus was full of people if he really wanted lotion and I don't carry it. He could have touched my arm. He had a lot of choices but he chose to put his hand on my inner thigh, about 3 inches from my crotch. I, naturally, objected and he basically played the "I'm not a pervert, I'm disabled' card.
I had typed out a long account but it just deleted.
Short version: he keeps trying to engage with me. I keep telling him he's lost that right since he put his hand on my thigh, and indicated, for the whole bus to see, where he put his hand. I am known as a "nice" lady so the other passengers and driver are horrified. I have also said (after he gets off) "the other women regulars know all about this guy" and they do. I said something to him one day when he was yelling because I didn't sit near him and a woman came over and confided he had touched her, and some other women, inappropriately.
I did nothing wrong. I was sitting in my seat, minding my own business, on my headphones. I have no problem saying what he did in front of the whole bus and pointing at where he put his hand. Other women tend to have the victim/shame/but he's crippled, I can't say anything mentality so I think I have kind of become the figurehead.
He is not mentally limited, either with mental illness or just being "slow". He can fully control his hands and arms, it wasn't an accident. It's been my experience the slower guys on the bus are the kindest and most respectful.
So after I set my boundary I put in my headphones and ignore him even when he's shouting at me. He is angry I am telling the truth. I'm not supposed to say he put his hand on my privates because he's in a wheelchair and I'm "supposed" to still be "nice" to him afterward. Nope.
There is no law anywhere on the books that says I have to be nice to a man who assaulted me; and he's the kind who would see any kind of compassion or mercy as a sign of weakness and try to take further advantage. I gave him the gospel a couple times already and he's being prayed for daily. That's where it ends.
He knows exactly what he's doing. He tried, a very poor attempt, at gaslighting me which indicates to me why he always rides alone. I don't say that. I just say 'I'm not talking to you because you did___" "Yes you did, you put your hand right there (pointing)" put my headphones in and sit down.
He was trying to accuse me of discriminating against people in wheelchairs, I think, when I had my headphones in.
When he got off he was cursing me out and I took out my headphones, said "It's a good thing my husband is dead, or he'd have gotten out of his wheelchair and kicked your ass for what you did to me." A big tough guy sitting in the front went "Whooo!" and the guy shut up, and got off.
So.
Now in the past I had a coworker who also did the same thing. He was blind. When they hired him, his manager asked me if I would mind taking him to the deli every day for lunch. I said sure. Ron had a friend at work (a woman) who took him out to lunch every day, they would try different ethnic foods. They both liked spicy foods so they rotated between a couple places, sometimes, as a thank you, Ron would buy her lunch.
I had, at this point, worked with blind people for over 13 years. Proper sighted guide mobility technique the sightless person uses their dominant hand to hold the cane. Most people are right handed, so the cane went there. They would use the cane to "look" ahead for curbs, trip hazards, etc. The left hand grips the elbow of the sighted guide. That's how Ron and I did it when he could work. I would maneuver my elbow to indicate things - I would pull my elbow in to indicate he needed to come to the left, etc. He said I was excellent.
As a side note sometimes I see people walking with an unstable senior. It is much safer for the senior to hold your arm than it is for you to hold theirs. If they fall and you grab their arm you will likely break it. But they can grip your arm if they go down and be safe. Then you can turn to them and help.
So "Bob" says "I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder". The shoulder isn't as efficient but I didn't care. He kept the hand on my shoulder until we got out to the corner, then let it drift down the back of my right arm until he was loosely gripping my elbow. OK - weird but I was OK. As we crossed a very busy street he let his hand drift down until it was on top of my buttocks.
I immediately stopped and slapped his hand away, in the middle of the busy street. He objected, said "I'm blind you have to let me do that". I said "I know better my husband is blind! Get your hand on my elbow or my shoulder!" he did.
Coming back, he tried it again, again, I stopped and set a boundary. This continued for a day or two with him groping me. He liked to do it when we were crossing the street as he felt I wouldn't stop.
The last day, I stopped when we got across the street and said, very clearly "Bob, I am done helping you. If you put your hand on my butt one more time I am going to leave you wherever you stand and you will have to find your own way back to the office!"
He did it as we approached the crosswalk to go back. I said "I told you!", shook his hand off, and stepped away as he objected. "Don't put your hand on my butt!!" and walked off.
I went in the office by myself, fuming. The boss asked me about Bob. I told him the whole, sordid, story. "I know better - he has been taking advantage of women who don't know sighted guide technique - but he's been groping me all week and I am done! Don't make me file a harassment complaint!" He sat back for a second and took off out the door to find Bob before he got pasted by a big rig.
The boss came by my office about half an hour later, trying to chastise me. I said "I did nothing wrong" (the term "setting boundaries" was not popular yet). "I was very clear, he did not need to put his hand on my butt to walk around. I was very clear what would happen if he tried it again."
"He says he needs to walk around that way".
"Then get a man to help him!"
"You have to help him tomorrow".
"I'm not, I'll bring my own lunch."
"He needs to eat, Heather".
"He can bring his own lunch, or he can get a man to help him. I told him I was done and I meant it".
He tried to get another woman to help him the next day, and she came back fuming and went into the boss' office. He came out and talked to Bob, then came by.
"Heather"
"He did it again, didn't he?"
"He says he won't do it anymore, can you please help him?"
(I was not right with Jesus at this point).
"No, I'm done." I held up my lunch, which I continued to bring every day until I quit.
So he took Bob to lunch every day, and Bob never touched him that way.
Most men with disabilities are wonderful guys, who would be wonderful life partners, who deserve a chance at love. I would not have a problem marrying another man with a disability as long as he was right with Jesus, respectful, kind, sober.
But, unfortunately, there's a very small percentage of men with disabilities who use the disability as a cover for being sexual predators. They get off on taking advantage of women and then "forcing" the women to be "nice" to them afterward because we still have the "We don't talk about it" culture.
I talk. I'll talk your ear off, point, and show you just what happened.
That's it for now.
