I do find writing incredibly helpful for processing thoughts.
1. I am vain enough to think that most people who know me, like me, and want good things in my life.
2. I keep mistakenly thinking people will like and respect the fact I do outreach.
That is not true. And that pretty much sums it up.
I'm still here, just very careful.
I was thinking about something that took me a long time to realize; how Ron controlled me, in part, through the cats.
When we got them he always made sure they were registered under his name so he was the legal owner. Except Torbie, since I applied to adopt her she was legally mine.
And he would make little comments like "Oh if you leave I'll fight to get the cats and put them down.". I told him he couldn't do that "Oh I'll just say they are pissing on the rug no one wants that."
At the time the women's shelter did not allow pets.
Or, my favorite during a very bad time in my life "You can't kill yourself. Who will take care of me?"
Wow.
I'm using blogger mobile on my phone which isn't very good and Cleo is running back and forth in my lap which makes it really hard to type with my finger so I'm using the voice to text typing today I'll clean it up when I'm finished and I'll put punctuation and stuff but basically last night I had a problem I go everyday I have recipients and I am basically somewhat in the homeless community because they like to hang out around bus stops so I know some of them they know me they call me the candy lady over all they like me one day a couple months ago there was a man a white guy it is always a white guy he came up to me I was at the bus stop going home after work and he was asking preparatory what I call the predatory questions which are very simple questions with easy answers he knows the answers but he's asking the questions to get me to talk to him and trust him so he can ask bigger questions like money and things like that so he came up and he was asking me what day it was and he was he was very aggressive and hostile and I I just said I don't know I was hoping that would make him leave me alone and he said what are you some kind of dumbass tell me what day it is he got even more hostile and I lost my temper and I said hey I'm not talking to you and he said what? And I said I'm going to make this very clear whatever question you ask me my answer is going to be no and he got all outraged he's like what I said whatever question you ask me the answers going to be no because it was very obvious to me this man did not want the Gospel and he became very aggressive verbally you know cussing me out and stuff and he eventually I forget what happened after that but you know he he either I think he left before the bus came and it was another homeless person there who saw the whole thing and I think that was part of what had him embarrassed is that he felt a emasculated by my setting a boundary a very healthy boundary, and so he you know put on a show for this other guy and I haven't seen him in months and yesterday after work he was at the bus stop and so I ignored him I didn't want to walk up to the next bus stop because the primary bus stop I use going home after work is in a busy area it's not terribly well lit but there are a lot of people around my alternate bus stops in either direction would have been far more isolated and he could have followed me to them so I felt it was better to just wait plus I had my knife in my pants pocket and he was you know making a big production I'm having a tantrum all I can't find something in my bag and I think when he saw a woman approaching he thought that maybe you know he could do put on a little show oh I can't find this thing I need money you know that kind of deal and then he saw it was me and he immediately said oh you're the woman who said the answers no it's always going to be no and just became extremely verbally abusive although nowhere near Ron levels nowhere near Ron levels just just hateful and it was bad enough that passers by were like are you okay and I'm just like whatever you know I don't care and he kept and then start making threats that he was going to stab me in the neck unquote and maybe I should cut you and at things like that and I just kept ignoring him I didn't say a word the whole time and I just stood there looking up the street for the bus which was late because it was a substitute driver he had a woman on the bus talking to him I think they were occupied at what they call the end of the line and he got a late start so he was just being you know hateful and and he started asking me why don't you why don't you call 911 aren't you scared of me you should call 911 and I just kept ignoring him because he was just pacing around and making verbal threats he wasn't actually I didn't feel threatened at all I was careful I was watching him but I didn't feel scared I just annoyed mainly and nothing is great out this guy doesn't get on the bus and he apparently had the same idea because he said I'm getting on your bus I'm going to make your night hell you know this nonsense and then he decides you need to call 911 he's like shouting it at me and I'm just like you know I just ignored him and that really bothered him he said well if you won't call 911 I will so he pulls out his phone and he calls 911 and he says I'm bothering him at the bus stop asking him questions but then he turns around and he says she said whatever question I ask her the answer is going to be no she's not talking to me you need to come out and deport her that's apparently the new threat in Houston these days that I'm going to get you deported and I am a citizen so I'm not worried about that but he that's what I look like apparently and he's he gave a very inaccurate description said I was Latina which I thought was funny I might be who knows I think if you go back far enough I got something in there because I really do not ever get a sunburn ever so there's some some kind of an alternate heritage there and so he hung up and a couple minutes later which I thought was very interesting a cruiser showed up behind me apparently and he said oh good here he is I'm I'm going to get you deported b**** and then maybe he'll talk to me I'm like huh and he runs towards the office with his bicycle and he grabs his bicycle and he's running towards the officer and he never came back so obviously the officer took care of it hopefully they were able to lock him up for making threats against me I hope he made some threats against me in front of the officer so they could do that but you know it's just sad because he's he's in bondage to the devil and he doesn't even know it and the devil hates him the devil hates me because of what I do and you know this kind of thing used to have when Ron was alive where it was Ron giving me the verbal abuse all the time and it was weird to see it come back years later after his death but you know it's the same old devil pulling the same old strings in people who are in bondage alcohol so it was just ridiculous.
Video post:
https://youtu.be/AsapTp5E_V4?si=f8qCTSY3L5UUXOOl
God help me, when I think about knocking out a quick post, a couple thoughts surface. 1. It is not easy for me to type on a phone keyboard. I have always just done one fingered typing and it's ingrained. Second, I just shudder at the thought of the Pest at the other end writing notes.
At any rate I am "neurodivergent" as they say. Not autistic but my mind is wired differently. I used to get in trouble for "asking stupid questions" because I don't always understand "the obvious". Even now you will never find FAS month like you do for the autistics. I have found that naming my problem involves very hostile and angry responses, usually in women I suspect may have had alcohol while pregnant.
The problem of course, no one knows how much or the context for causing fetal harm. They have found binge drinking while pregnant to be especially problematic. My mother, by ALL accounts, binge drank HEAVILY EVERY DAY. Of course I'd be affected. But, even stating that, I am still met with hostility. So I often just say "I have brain damage from birth" even though the listener usually thinks I am lying or being self deprecating.
Cleaning has always been a huge issue for me, cleaning and organizing. One thing I love about my aunt, I can ask her "stupid" cleaning questions.
I wasn't able to do much after I got hurt. Then I was very busy with outreach, work, trip. I worked several days straight, left, came back, on a bus to work less than 12 hours later, worked 7 days straight.
Days I work I'm usually gone at least 13 hours unless a ride's involved. So I need to do cleaning and organizing, grocery shopping, meal prep, and still work in downtime as God is making it clear I need to take a rest day once a week.
I have been doing laundry and it's not a stretch to say I have clean laundry piled up all over the house. I cleaned up the bedroom (first and last thing I see daily) because it was aggravating. I've done a lot of it, I just need to figure out where to put things. I hope to hang it all up, I prefer that.
Then I need to clean out the fridge, which has a persistent odor. I don't want food there until I fix it.
Spotty got very upset when I started organizing. He thought I was going to work. He is lying on my chest as I'm seated in a chair, purring.
Also and always walking around picking up trash.
That's it for now!
I work a swing shift and ride the bus at night. I hand out Bibles and Scripture booklets in bags of candy. I have been known to hug sobbing female crackheads. I do Bible Handouts in some terrible places.
I think it's not considered a high risk life but it sure isn't low risk, either.
But God has given me a tremendous amount of peace. I have angel armies protecting me https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=kzQhN7Br01o&si=5DmSKRTuFxdJvzRA.
I ask God to make my protection visible to bad guys, and, several times that I saw, someone got on the bus, took one look at me, and got off. Others may sit near me but begin fidgeting and move quickly.
I use common sense. I see women on the bus hunched up staring at some middle aged Black guy in a coverall from a company probably pays 2-3 times what I make. Don't worry about him and DON'T ACT LIKE A VICTIM. Sit up, look around.
You can make probability estimates on who is likely to be a problem. Several drivers have quietly confirmed it's always the white guy. He's the hazard. I don't have any trouble with others, I give respect, and I get it. I call everyone "Boss" and they love it. But if a dirty, agitated, White man gets on the bus I'm going to keep my eye on him.
And you never know; it was my honor to hand out some material to two teenage drug dealers who had just gotten robbed and were at the perfect point where they would accept the Gospel. They were regulars on that bus, and I haven't seen them again. But I rode with them several nights a week, for weeks, before that happened.
God uses it all for good. I am sure no one would think God could use me at all. I have serious disabilities that limit me. I had a rough childhood. I had 29 years of horrible treatment from the man who claimed to love me.
And God says "I can work with that, here's your assignment".
It's not just Ron.
Tonight I was surprised by something that came from someone I saw as an ally. I don't know what's happening exactly I'll know more tomorrow.
But I need to remember Sun Tzu business is war and I need to document everything.
But that would happen with Ron, I would be walking with Jesus, planning outreach, and just the most savage attacks imaginable, usually out of the blue. Tonight wasn't that bad but a little evocative.
And I remind myself: the Devil wouldn't be after me if I wasn't a threat. I am attacking him; he's responding.
Exodus 14:13, 2 Chronicles 20:17
"Stand still and see salvation!"
👍
Back in the old days I had to buy my Music on CD. Here are the ones I bought for myself, some of them, at any rate.
Kenny G Christmas
George Michael greatest hits
Janet Jackson greatest hits ("Black Cat" never got it's due)
Billy Joel greatest hits
T'Pau debut album.
That's all I remember offhand.
It's almost 5 years since Ron died. I don't plan to date.
There are a few things I miss though.
My house is constructed in such a way I can only have furniture in some areas. That means I have a necessary loveseat near the front door.
I grew up in a shoes off home. I don't care what you do in my house but I always take my shoes off. Not for sanitation but I enjoy bare feet. I take off my shoes and socks the second I walk in the door, which creates a "shoe situation". It would be nice to have someone fix that.
I enjoy seasoned food, unlike my father and husband. I have a "spice situation" in the cabinet next to my stove, bottles falling out every time I open the door, digging around trying to find my rosemary. I could use a solution.
I got an auger for toilet clogs happily I haven't had to use it.
I am reluctant to ask men for help I worry it makes me seem desperate and needy.
I have thought some about this as well: my ministry takes me to dark places at all hours.
I believe a loving mate (a man, sorry pest) is going to have very large issues with that. Ron was more concerned in a "Who's going to take care of me if..."
But I've concluded God wires men to protect women. That is 100% at odds with me running off to Cracktown with a handcart full of Bibles.
Forget all my baggage; that's a problem right there.
For whatever reason, I feel like time is short.
When I vanish it won't be an alien that got me. Even if you have issues with God buy at least one, cheap, evangelism Bible because they will be extremely valuable after the rapture. You can always trade it.
Speaking of Bibles I found some old photos while cleaning up my phone. Injuries related to evangelism. When Ron was alive I had mental attacks, verbal abuse, sleep deprived, etc. Now it's more physical.
Blogger mobile is very limited so you may have to cut and paste. https://photos.app.goo.gl/4criWt5jf8do84pD6
I'm OK with that. Whatever it takes to share the Gospel. "Heather, you have to get your ass kicked for this guy to get the Gospel". Bring it.
I feel OK sharing this. Paul bragged about all he had suffered for Jesus. Jesus himself said we're going to be attacked.
God willing, I'm doing a Handout tomorrow.
Church #1 was happy to hear I handed out Bibles and where, but kept thinking I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Once I made it clear they said they'd supply all the Bibles I needed. Until they didn't. Not only that they told me I was a "Drug addict practicing sorcery" because I take medicine for my mood disorder. The pastor was convinced all psych meds are addictive. My prima drug makes me fat, sick, and tired. They got really upset when I spoke about Ron abusing me and said it wasn't Biblical to speak about it.
Another church actually stole the Bible Handouts. I was fine with that people are getting Bibles. They do it differently but they do have a sign that says Free Bibles and they go regularly. The pastor told me Ron went to hell, They were also fairly hostile to my involvement in any sort of outreach.
I sporadically attend a Presbyterian church. I am most comfortable with their theology except predestination. They were, ah, not interested in giving me business cards to put in the Bibles. Mom says that's pretty standard for Presbyterians.
I'm not against churches.. But I am weird.
I was doing some thinking tonight. I have a pretty good vocabulary but I can't find a word to convey my depth of terror at the thought of dating again. The Bible says "two are better than one".
But, again, I can't find a word to convey how badly Ron hurt me, either.
I'm going to call him Eli. I have been texting with someone.
His faith impresses me.
In the Bible, in Kings, the nation has gone to idol worship. Believers in Jehovah are murdered so the few remaining are in hiding. Except Elijah.
Long story short, Eli defeats and slaughters the false prophets. He is very tired. God tells him, you need rest and food. That's where I am now.
I am very tired from some brutal hours and insane work loads.
I am also looking for Bibles. They're coming I'm sure. I handed out 5 today. 10 yesterday.
That's it for now!
I'm finding myself. One thing I've found I can be very happy on my own; and if I do marry again it's going to be a godly man. One who will cherish, value, and respect me. Who will encourage and support me as I grow closer to God.
Does God want me to remarry? I don't know. If God has someone He will bring the man into my life. But I'm not settling for a cheap imitation again .
In the meantime I focus on my walk with God, taking care of my recipients.
It is funny. Last night I was texting someone at the bus stop. It is a terrible idea but if someone has shared their heart I don't believe in letting them wait.
It was a new driver. I don't look like I want the bus, but one of my recipients was on the bus and shouted at the driver until he stopped for me. I thanked them both profusely. Then the recipient and I discussed fitness until he got to his stop.
Thank you, Lord.
The salve is working great, you have to try it for yourself. I got generic brand petroleum jelly and added tea tree and lavender essential oils. I melted the jelly by placing the tub in a bowl of hot water. My feet look so much better.
I'm very careful talking about family and friends now but feel fine sharing Mom and Dad have a "shoes off" household. I didn't want them dragging me off to a podiatrist.
I'm off today and tomorrow. I get paid tomorrow (I don't see the harm in saying that). Today is recovery day, clean the house a little. It was a rough pay period I didn't have 2 nickels this last week but I stand by how I used my money.
I did my budget and I have about $150 after expenses. I need to get cat food, groceries, a few cleaning things. I am doing a Handout tomorrow and would like snacks. I also want to get a few nonperishable snacks for my hurricane kit and possibly some on-hand snacks I can keep in the Bible room for my next Handout.
And, the pest favorite, more candy to hand out. I also need to investigate my plastic bag situation I have been using a lot of quart bags (New Testaments).
I don't have a lot of outreach stuff but it's God's stuff. He'll bring more. The way they have my schedule right now it's 4, 8 hour days. That's what I was originally hired for and I love that. I can do a Handout one day, one day for errands and housework, one day to rest up or do my hair.
So I'm leaving the supply issues in God's hands.
Today I am mainly resting. The last week was an absolute dumpster fire at work.
No weapon formed against me will prosper, but I don't need to hand weapons over, either.
I am sorry to my good followers, I am hoping "starvation diet" will help with pest control 🪳.
On Facebook I'm doing a banal barrage of cat photos and evangelism tips.
I have had some minor foot issues which is not surprising as I spend over 13 hours a day on my feet, in my sneakers. I've found a men's 11.5 wide with my favorite foot care aisle inserts to do the job.
A sponsor sent me a check a while back that went for 2 pairs of that.
Anyway my pointer toe on both feet developed a thick, discolored, toe-claw. I managed to get them trimmed but they aren't pretty.
I have done a 180 on my views of seeking medical help. I am just so sick of doctors, hospitals, etc. I decided to treat this myself.
Ron would let me take care of his catheter and give him suppositories but he would never let me touch his feet. I am also very careful with my feet. I pick at my nails but never my feet.
But I know tea tree oil is really good for antiviral, antifungal, antibiotic purposes and seems like a good thing to put on my feet. My toe-claws also have some thick calluses that need babying.
Years ago before Ron got hurt I was very into herbal medicine and I made a fantastic salve. It had thing like calendula, St Johns wort, dragons blood resin, comfrey, etc. It did smell awful and was reddish from the resins.
Ron had very serious road rash from the accident, particularly on his hands. They were talking about skin grafts actually but they were healing albeit slowly. When he got home I put the salve on the left side and some basic OTC stuff on the right side. The left side healed amazingly and happily Ron was pretty out of it. He had healed up by the time he started objecting to the salve. The right side had a lot more scarring but he couldn't use the arm anyway.
He never let me get near him with the salve or even use it on myself after that. I wanted something a long those lines.
I get very bad dry, cracked, hands at work in the winter. I bought some Equate brand petroleum jelly with cocoa butter. It helped, some, but I found a hand cream that worked better.
So I had that. I put the jar in a bowl of hot water and added some tea tree oil and some lavender essential oil (also a good antiviral, antifungal properties), stirred it up. I saved a few of my pain relief salve jars so I put some in one of those and put it in my backpack. I have the rest on my bedside table. I apply it to the toe-claws right before I don my socks.
I have to admit my feet looked a lot better last night. I didn't need medical care (I don't mess with foot care!) but the toenails looked a lot better.
Mobile won't let me add pictures but you don't want to see that anyway! 🤣🤣
Love to all, hate for none.
I'm going to try this with the voice to text tonight. I still do not have a working computer so I'm just using my phone for all my online stuff but I can pay my bills and do the work things and all that so I'm happy. I was doing meal prep today I had bought various things I tried to have components so I can put meals together like a canned beans I like using those a lot I always have lentils on hand my favorite Frozen mixed vegetable canned salsa red potatoes rice chicken broth different things like that and then I can put that together and and make me a lot of that I have been doing a lot of meals where I have red potatoes cut up with a plantain all black beans and some kind of meat and that and a can of salsa and that turns out pretty good actually so and then it's just ready to go when I walk in the door which I love but I was thinking tonight I was having a lot of fun in the kitchen and I made chorizo and eggs I put some kale in there too and when I was dishing it up I added some shredded cheese some spicy refried beans also you know I'm having a good time just up creating basically and I just got kind of sad and I was thinking about it and I could never do any of that when Ron was alive he is only like recently that I realized just how controlling he was the length of my hair the how much I fixed myself up the type of clothes I wore the he wanted me frumpy he did not want anybody looking at me he was very very threatened every time I lost weight and he would do anything he could to sabotage that and a lot of times what I was eating you know he would say he you know he was just extremely extremely controlling and not just like what we're going to keep the thermostat but he paid all the bills all the money came from him I had very little money in my own it was it was terrible and I never am going to put myself in that situation again ever ever you know if a man loves me he's going to understand that and you know and I have basically decided I'm happy being celibate you know I have a good life I would the other night I came home I was sitting on the couch I was petting Spotty and I thought to myself I'm very happy here where I am right now so I'm going to get up I'm not going to mess that up and so I was cooking and I'm kind of creating a curry and what I like to do with like cooking ethnic foods is like kind of get a baseline recipe and then I play with it because I'm the only one eating it generally so I know how to do a basic Curry so I got some oil in the skillet I added the spices the onions I let that go for a few minutes I added the potatoes and carrots and that I actually kind of stole from the Chinese cooking you know because you want to cook the more dense vegetables for longer period of time than something like say spinach if you're cooking in a wok and I am you know I put a curry together and I'm very happy with it and it's a giant Curry I have a literally a gallon of curry in the refrigerator and you know I can share that with my friends if they're interested you know I have a lot of fun I'm spicing it up but the house smells like Curry and I thought Ron would have blown a gasket over this and you know I was just in bondage for so long it was just sad and you know I have three days off this week one day I went and did a Bible hand out that's pretty much an all-day thing the second day I did my hair that's also pretty much an all-day thing today I made a quick trip to the grocery store mainly for snacks I want like some cookies and pretzels I really want to pretzels and and things like that and I came home and I took a nap with Cleo and I did the meal prep and I'm very happy with that and you know tomorrow I go into work it's going to be busy because it is a Walmart on a tax-free weekend and I don't care where you work in the store is going to be busy so that is it for now
I need everything. God convicted me on my pride so I'm asking: can my precious sponsors please get me some Bibles?
I do a lot of the
https://www.lifeway.com/en/product/kjv-the-invitation-new-testament-P005837907
https://www.lifeway.com/en/product/csb-the-invitation-new-testament-P005787336
Invitations. You can get them from Lifeway or Christian book here is offering free shipping. How many? I can hand out 5-10 just day to day and a good 40-50 on a Handout. The recipients tend to prefer "Old" King James but I have had more requests for "something modern" so I would say about 80% King James and 20% modern (Lifeway/Christian book have a newer version "HCSB" which was done by the Baptists and is sound). Those run about 50-60 cents each just make sure you are getting free shipping!
I would also like some NLT's for Houston and also a case to take to CA when I visit my Dad next month as he is a HUGE NLT fan and I'm planning at least one Handout. Apparently Bibles by the case has a good deal but I don't use Venmo or PayPal.
Spanish. Please, send Spanish. Whole Bibles, New Testaments, Gospel of John, whatever you can. I have recipients literally shouting for Spanish. I don't care how they got here I am sharing the Gospel and prayer!
https://www.christianbook.com/nuevo-testamento-vida-jesus-rvr-1960/9781558192287/pd/9236X?event=BRSRCG|PSEN. This is a good one only $1.15 each.
Whole Bibles are great but I can only bring about a case (24) on a Handout. I live to give whole Bibles though. With the New Testaments I have carried 100 or so on a Handout.
Wish list here I would love some New Testaments with Psalms and Proverbs.
Writing this at the bus stop. That's it for now!
https://youtu.be/O0PeW1rdGlg?feature=shared
https://youtube.com/shorts/6MxV9MVYACE?si=2uzBvmgJt7zGbYM7
Pest already has my name.
I did a Handout today, but it was raining when I left the house. I faced the kind of perplexing issue only I face: I couldn't put the Bibles in clear bags and hand that out in Cracktown. The dealers would object. I couldn't cover the Bibles with a trash bag, that seemed completely disrespectful. I found a tarp in the garage and used that.
I got there and started working. I had several walk ups. One was a sweet old lady who told me "Just yesterday, I asked God for a Bible".
I had one group of 3 lady who stood on the sidewalk for a while, watching me before they came over. They had a look at everything; I had a mix of Large Print, Bible Promise books, a couple different New Testament transitions. They took a while and asked me a few questions.
As near as I can tell, I've been going there about 12 years now. It was a good Handout.
I got "jumped" by an SUV full of Spanish speaking Pentecostals begging for anything I had. The third bus driver took the rest.
I've decided to take the https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_M%C3%BCller George Mueller approach. I'm not going to ask for material (from sponsors).
I am going to be making a phone call on Monday and see what I have coming
I do plan to do a Handout update when I get a minute.
Some highlights of today:
2 homeless guys served including a guy eating out of a trash can. I gave him the Gospel and something better to eat (not counting the candy).
I brought a lunch to 2 drivers, who were thrilled.
I saw Buddy, he looks good! I told him about the last Handout.
I like men, that's how I'm wired. But I'm not looking and that takes a lot of pressure off me. It was good to see him again.
That's it for now.
I handed out at least 4 New Testaments I lost track
I have cut way back on posting as I just don't want to feed her. I have considered making the blog private.
I did have the thought, the other day, when encountering a blind, legless, "homeless" man in a wheelchair - she called adult protection on me because Ron had trouble coming around to the concept of needing a seizure pill. This guy really did need serious intervention. That's the kind of person they should pursue. And, ultimately, APS agreed.
Ron's dead now, she can't hurt him anymore, but that was very hard for him. He was terrified someone was going to come and take him away.
I was talking on the bus yesterday and the accident came up. The person wanted to know how it ended. I said I was happy, I had forgiven the driver and he took a Bible from me, and if I had to get hurt to open the door (to the Gospel) it was OK.
I continued I was OK with pretty much anything happening to me if it furthered the Gospel. My driver heard the whole thing and was gaping at me in the rearview. I ended it with the arm seemed fine now except when it's going to rain.
I am really OK with a lot as it affects me. Less so if it's someone I love.
Ministry has been interesting lately. Yesterday I had 2 ladies get on the bus, former homeless in some kind of recovery home, not faith based. The one lady sees me and says, "Oh, good, it's you, we need some Bibles.". "Absolutely" I replied as I started digging in my bag. I ended up giving 2 bags of candy, I think 1 New Testament to them, a handful of Scripture booklets as requested, and another New Testament to a guy sitting nearby when he asked.
On the way home I gave a New Testament and my "Wings over Zion" Scripture booklet to a bus driver from Israel. That's pretty much the range I serve every day.
I pray over it and generally leave the house with 10+ items, extra booklets and New Testaments, various languages as well. And it's usually all gone (save the "other" languages like Tagalong, Chinese, Vietnamese - I always do a few Spanish every day) when I walk home. I have requested some French because I have encountered some French speaking Black Africans lately. Literally from Africa.
I like, like last night, to be able to reach in my bag and grab the exact item God had for them.
I am going through so much material I have already asked for more! God is very good providing my supplies like candy, bags, material, guiding me what to hand out and to whom.
I really love the diversity in my recipients. About the only ones I don't get are the 1% types.
Please pray for them, guidance for me, protection, etc. Thank you!
At work we have "Walmart radio" going on the overhead. It generally plays top 40 tunes, past and present.
Occasionally they play commercials with a voice over by an annoyingly cheerful white woman. She giggled when talking about "your little ones" when talking about a diaper sale. I can't stand her.
Please. Sometimes I say "Welcome to hell" when the bus pulls up at the store.
Get someone who can respect that!
I have had issues with the homeless as I work. They either see me as competition, taking "their spot" (not in Acres Homes, everyone is scared of that corner!), as a mark who can be exploited, or I'm treated with hostility and in one recent occasion, physical abuse (I still have the bruise!). On my end, I've realized I have issues with being around addicts, and untreated mental illness.
But God has had me doing more work with them lately. Many are ready and eager for the Gospel.
Today I was reading Acts chapter 10. It's very interesting, you can look it up on Bible Gateway. Some back story, Jesus has risen, spent some time with the Apostles, gone back to Heaven. At this point the ministry was to the Jews. At this juncture it was also unthinkable for Jews to associate with other races. They were forbidden to do so in the Old Testament. They also had strict dietary laws some still follow (eating Kosher).
But God reaches out to Peter by showing him unclean foods and telling him to eat. Peter says no. God tells him "Don't call (things) unclean that I have made clean". Then some gentiles (non-jews) come to his door literally asking for the Gospel. Peter realized the Gospel is for EVERYONE, goes, stays with this man, preaches, everyone gets saved, and a dramatic outpouring of the Holy Spirit confirms it.
And it hit me: "Kill and eat"
EVERYONE is my recipient!
I was hanging out at home with the cats, watching reruns on TV. I decided to check the work app and see what I was getting on my next paycheck.
And, lo and behold, coach has changed my schedule, I'm starting in 50 minutes.
I made it. I look awful but my clothes are clean and I don't stink. I was washing my vest so that didn't make it.
I have Tuesday off now.
It's not him but I avoid him.
I didn't know him well before the accident, after he was helpful with rides. When Ron came back he was grateful, took him out to dinner, etc. He started asking for money.
He would ask to "borrow" cash "for emergencies". One time he found out a coworker had her kids taken by CPS.
She drove an $80K SUV that was a gift, worked a full time job with benefits paying $20 an hour, ate all her meals out, had social security payments from her dead husband plus benefits for the children. Not a victim. Her in laws were worried about the kids so they made a call. CPS kept making visits and there was never any food. So they took the kids and gave them to the grandparents.
She went to Chuck and he brought her to our house, told Ron he had an emergency. "Borrowed" hundreds of dollars. He took her to a hotel and got adjoining rooms "In case she needed comforting". He was also very late paying us back.
"Something came up" he said as he ate out every day at Denny's. He didn't begin having food in the house "because I'll just eat it up".
He once drove through flood waters, damaging his truck, because "I wanted a Coke at Denny's". Speaking of Denny's he was banned from one because he offered a waitress money for sex.
He liked having sugar babies. I said once I wouldn't want to be with someone I had to pay, he said it was exciting that they hated it.
He borrowed a lot of cash one time. Ron told him money was very tight and all we had was the sales tax money. Chuck assured us he'd pay us back and stopped taking Ron's calls. We barely made the payment.
Then he called one night to say he had gone to a fancy Italian restaurant. Ron blew his stack, how could you go out to eat and you owe us $500?!
The next time Chuck came by he very sullenly informed me that "some people had to understand that things come up". I said, look at him. Ron's sitting in his wheelchair.
Ron decided then he was done with "loans" Chuck obviously saw as "gifts" and we would have a flat fee of $20 a trip with him.
I was done with Chuck long before Ron, but one time Chuck picked us up at Sam's club with a truckload of merchandise, took us to work, and then informed us the truck was unfit to drive. Ron was livid.
We stopped calling him, talked to Jack instead. Jack was a lovely family man and devoted to his wife.
I told a Postal worker Ron was dead the night he died. I called Chuck a few days later as he was always saying Ron was "his brother". Voicemail.
I got a 2 line text from him a few days later basically saying "good riddance".
Yes
Churches love to see and hear what I do, but most aren't so eager to have me in the congregation or passing out their business cards during a Bible Handout. Even the church that gave me (I've been told, I try not to count) a thousand Bibles eventually cut me off.
That's going to be interesting on judgement day, for them.
Gospel publishers are more understanding, I have good relationship with both Grace and Truth and World Missionary Press.
Jesus said new wine needed a new wineskin. So, for now, I'm freelance.
I haven't been very chatty lately, it's been a rough year.
Better, now, though and I have been doing a lot of outreach. God does use everything for good if you let Him.
I had some energy tonight, normally I am pretty wiped out on my Saturday. I made some pasta, drained and rinsed a can of black beans, some lemon pepper. It turned out pretty good. I just need to see if I get a headache tomorrow.
I'm coming to the conclusion my job is service every time I leave the house. It could be anyone. I had, this week, various homeless guys, many bus drivers, cashiers, food service workers, regular working people, a police officer.
I don't feel embarrassed about my evangelism tote. I like that I have tracts for pretty much any occasion, homeless outreach, first responder, refuting cults, etc, in addition to the done up candy bags and New Testaments.
I also find it funny; I battle pride. And I look like a homeless woman walking around with all my junk or pushing my "buggy". I see the way the people in the cars look at me, and, one horrifying day, a woman offered me a hot meal as I waited at the bus stop. She wouldn't believe I was an employed homeowner. She kept calling me "honey" and "you poor thing". I had to take out my wallet and show her my discount card for work.
My arm is telling me it's going to rain. No headache happily. I'm going to take a nap.
My recipients are asking for bottled water. I got a case today, it just fit in my cart. I just wanted the water and some fresh fruit. I love a cold, fresh, fruit salad on a hot day and they had some nice specials.
I generally get the same driver both ways when I get groceries. Today's driver was a ruggedly cute (I'm celibate, not dead), middle aged white man which is very unusual for the route. I told him I'd try to catch him on the way back.
He was surprised I did, and I laughed when I told him "When I get groceries I try to profile the driver, what kind of snacks they like. I have you pegged as a Dr Pepper man with sour cream and onion chips.". He laughed and said I was right as I gave him the bag. Store brands, not name brands, but they have never complained. I also had some fruit and a cold bottle of water.
Speaking of fruit I could use a banana. That's it for now!
One of the DJs on Walmart radio just loves the old song "listen to your heart".
I can't stand it, one day in particular solidified it. Ron had been awful the night before, refusing to let me sleep, extreme verbal abuse, acting like Mr Wrong.
I had a lot of talks with God about Ron and this day was no different. Basically I was Hosea.
I got into work that day and that song was playing on the other vendors radio.
AAAH!
Ron had an extreme head injury and it affected his language sometimes. He had temporal lobe damage which also led to his seizures. So he would say "orange" when he meant "spiced rum" and "black hole" instead of "urinal".
He had bowel issues several years before he died. We used to ride with a very chatty driver, not Ace, now and then. The guy kept us in the cab talking and couldn't take a hint. Ron almost had an accident. He begged me, in tears, to get him some sort of protection.
So I did. They had a pull up style he could manage himself. Occasionally I would find a soiled one in the trash. Once or twice he didn't wear them, had an issue, and threw the pants in the trash. I always made sure to keep the disposables stocked.
He didn't want to use the word diaper so I called them shorts. That led to some confusion was it the disposable or the apparel? So he called them companions.
I had to switch to a different style after he couldn't get out of bed anymore but we managed. I donated all that stuff really quick after he died.
I was pretty sick this morning with horrendous toilet issues. This can be a side effect of my medication and I'm sure not stopping that.
As it turns out my team lead drove by and saw me at the bus stop, came back, and took me to work. Now I just wait until 2!
What I do exactly for evangelism. God will reveal one day.
Anyway tonight I got pretty violently cussed out by an obviously unstable homeless man as part of my work. I was standing at the bus stop, he started bothering me. I said "Whatever the question the answer is no" He asked me another question I said no. He didn't like that. But 4 people got the Gospel because I was out there tonight.
Nothing is going to happen outside of God's will and He can use anything for good.
Ron, like a lot of bed bound patients, had serious constipation issues which he found very upsetting. My journal for the last year of his life (I'll upload a page or two sometime) is a breathless account of food given, laxatives administered, and the results.
We tried just about everything available. Miralax. Exlax. Everything in between. I'll save you the trouble, Colace and the occasional glycerin suppository. And that stuff was expensive so I have a whole row of very nasty business in my medicine cabinet. I have never needed to use that stuff but I still keep it because it's expensive
I do wonder what visitors must think.
I had a good night last night, I had lots of tracts all boxed up in my mailbox. I also had my $30 jury duty check. I had loads of fun unboxing them and putting them away.
I got some tailored more for outliers and some I think have a nice bus driver angle. I had a lot of tracts done up already so I only did a few. I read like and respect the guys at Grace and Truth.
It is interesting some of the hassles I have. My observation the homeless and drug addicts have 3 categories for people: marks, nos, and neutral. Unfortunately my ministry gets me lumped in the Marks category, they think I can be manipulated into (ultimately) giving them money and cigarettes which is not going to happen. I butt heads occasionally with people whining at me or demanding my personal things ("I could really use a nice backpack like that") . It's one reason I don't eat on the bus
The other being it's not sanitary but Metro has been making an obvious push to fix that, including pressure washing bus stops with a bleach solution as needed. Kudos on that!
I have a mild to moderate headache so I'm going to go take an Excedrin before I clock in.
I don't know about others with my illness but it became untenable when I hit puberty. I was simply, extremely depressed. I had Kaiser coverage and they had me in group therapy. It didn't help. My counselor got a close up though, was extremely worried,and I got the coveted psychiatrist referral.
For some reason no medical professional actually saw what I had until I was 32.
Anyway the venerated expert put me on Prozac. It made me suicidal. Ever since, severe depressions have me suicidal. But not in over a decade which is pretty impressive when you consider what I've been through.
I ended up in a hospital for a month. Even then they didn't want to let me go, but my insurance ran out. They didn't connect the dots and kept me on 40 mg Prozac a day for 3 more years. It wasn't easy.
I was in weekly counseling paid for by Dad. A while ago I calculated what he spent could have been a good college education.
That's it for now.
I call them recipients, anyone I share the Gospel with in any way. I am happy to report they're a wide section of society.
When I was about 8 they had a nice little ceremony at Church and gave me a lovely hardbound Bible. When I was about 10 a lady at church prophesied (and Presbyterians don't do that!) said I would be a missionary. My parents figured she was off her meds but her I am, thousands served.
When I was about 14 a Gideon gave me a pocket Bible. He was very solemn, wearing a suit.
When I was about 19 and working one of my customers gave me a tract. She was very anxious about it and pushed it on me even after I said I was saved.
A while after I started the evangelism I encountered some Jehovah's witnesses at a bus stop. The one lady kept trying to give me literature and wouldn't take no for an answer, then got a major attitude.
I realized God was using this as an example. So I offer, if they say no I smile and put it away. If they say something like "I don't eat sugar" I might've bring them a cold bottle of water next time. If I'm doing a Handout I move on, and many times the Holy Spirit worked on them and they called me back, or drove back.
At any rate while I've got you here could you please pray for my recipients? And my safety and health? Thank you!
I'm going to list the ones I remember. He told me he had ex girlfriends try to kill him on 3 occasions. One time he overdosed on LSD attempting suicide ( before he met me and he only told me about it a few years before he died). He swore he met God and was very convicted of his sins.
He was talking on his ham radio on a local repeater one day and preparing to cross a busy street. Another ham saw him and told him to wait while he parked. Ron heard a horrible t bone accident in the middle of the intersection right where he would have crossed.
Another time his other woman asked him to escort her to her bank which was about a block past Ron's bank. There was a bank robbery in Ron's bank, complete with gunfire, when Ron would have been cashing his own paycheck. He was very shaken up.
Of course he actually died in the accident. I don't know how many times he almost died before they sent him home. He wasn't feeling well about a month after he got home, I took him to the ER. He had blood clots in his legs, and a pericardial effusion, either of which should have killed him.
There was the time the house filled up with carbon monoxide due to a faulty vent pipe, could have killed both of us. Some neat miss car accidents. Another blood clot.
You get the idea. That's why I knew it really was time to let him go.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=dGawgRPqr5Q&si=NpLCBiwftGt4ghzs
I had given Cleo up for dead. She was gone for months. It's a longer story I won't share but I finally gave up hope a few weeks back.
I made a pork roast in the crock pot yesterday while at work. It turned out very good. I was deconstructing it and taking out the waste. I opened my trash can when I heard her meow. I looked, it was her. She wouldn't me touch her.
I went in the house, Spotty was throwing himself at the door trying to get to her. She let him approach her while I got a can of her favorite wet food.
I took a photo, kept peeping at them for a while, went to bed.
A cat got in bed with me last night, I gave it cuddles, petting, and I think a few kisses. I woke up and it was Cleo. She also got in my lap for a few minutes during my God Time and let me take her photo. Spotty won't stop grooming her he is thrilled to see her.
I am delighted, shocked. This is the first time something good has happened after a Bible Handout.
I avoid sharing a fair amount these days but I had to share this!
I got sunburned which hasn't happened before.
I had a very interesting encounter after I finished, an opportunist type trying to figure out an angle on me. He wandered off and came back, squinted at my cart, paled, screamed, and ran off. I have been asking God to make my protection visible and I believe He did!
I had a drug dealer come by to make an evaluation. I was cheerful and offered him a Bible, when he said no I said "I'm still gonna pray for you, boss". And I will. I count someone like that as a recipient.
I had a lot of family, and even more endearing, parents and grandparents who wanted a Bible for the kids.
I wasn't able to do much this weekend but I got that.
I've done pretty well using just my phone. I am one of those people, I do this on the phone, that on the laptop, check my email and do my Bible study on the tablet (from Amazon, Dad gave it to me before Ron died I believe).
But the laptop died so it's the phone for everything as that's the only survivor with my Google account. I did put Facebook lite on my tablet. Phone for blog, etc.
I was worried about using it for bill paying but I have had any issues.
Typing is a pain though.
Immigration reform has adversely affected staffing at my store, I was asked to stay late last night, with the promise of a ride. I did got the ride. Made an extra $25 or so as well.
I went to bed around 1 am and woke up at 7. I did my God time. Spotty was so cute in my bed I went back to sleep for another hour or so. I got up, took my shower, went to the store.
I forgot tomorrow is a feast day. Every family in Houston is doing a BBQ and large meal tomorrow, and they needed the fixings.
The store has very low prices and is always packed. It was especially bad today. They didn't have "my" candy but they had another one that works. I also got ziplocks for the candy and what I call "cat plates": disposable foam plates. I put the wet food on those and throw them away when they're finished. Biscuit in particular used to get very excited when he saw a cat plate in my hand.
Happy has been in the house all day. I guess I do have another boy. I am hoping to get him neutered when my aunt visits next month.
I am planning a Bible Handout tomorrow. I ate a small bag of plain chips at the bus stop today and developed a nasty headache on my way home.
I had to take care of some phone business after I put up the groceries and then I took a nap. It didn't help much.
I have some hives so I took a Zyrtec. The headache is better. Not great though.
My arm was bothering me a little earlier so I think it's going to rain later. My arm has been a pretty reliable predictor.
That's it for now!
Last time they settled last minute; same today.
I did manage to do some outreach and Ace made some good money. I was very encouraged his phone was blowing up with one request after another. He came right on time and was only 20 minutes off when I called to come home. I was home by 3.
The boy cats are enjoying the extra time today.
The court gave me papers and apparently Walmart will pay me for today.
That's it for now
I woke up at 2, very alert. I've learned it's better to just get up, if I went back to sleep I'd just be groggy when the alarm went off.
I fed Spotty and got some nice cuddles. I haven't seen Happy yet.
I got some Amla oil at the import market last weekend. I applied that before I went to bed and "washed" it out with conditioner when I got up. I had a lot more natural curl. Henna can loosen curl, some women like that but I like having wavy hair.
I'll know more when it dries, but my hair does have a nice color. I am a little worried it will look greasy. I don't use shampoo for a few days after a henna treatment and "wash" with conditioner.
It's going to be an interesting day for weather. Severe weather morning and evening, extreme heat as well.
Work shouldn't be too crazy. I can't say much else.
One of my friends sent me a gift. I used some of it for Handout stuff and also bought myself 2 pairs of work shoes (with inserts). I got some "cute" shoes a few months ago but they were a standard width, which is too narrow for me, long term. I can wear them now and then but not every day. These, I can.
That's it for now!
I did develop the customary headache so I'm going to bed.
It's been a pretty quiet day. The lady in #2 was looking for Happy today and asked me if I'd seen him. I said yes, I have a cat door, he was on my couch a while ago. He's not her cat. She was clear on that.
I gave her the secret weapon and told her his favorite food.
It's nice to have neighbors looking out for my cats.
I think this is funny/interesting but that's it.
Pretty much what I said in the title. I tend to notice when clean cut white guys get on the bus, much less one carrying and reading a Bible.
When he got on today I said hello, gave him a bag of candy, we talked evangelism and a little faith. We exchanged first names. He knows where I work he heard me saying goodbye to the driver.
I am a confirmed Presbyterian. He is not. I might recruit him for a Bible Handout sometime if I see him again.
I am committed to ministry, if God wants someone in my life He'll have to make it very clear. It was nice to talk to another committed evangelist.
Looks? About my age, clean cut, healthy weight which is NOTABLE in Houston.
Interesting.
I have a sweet little boy curled up with me on the couch. No question about it 🥰 he is a little love bug. He isn't Cleo, Biscuit, Torbie, Baby Girl, Bubba, Frosty, Scrawny, or the rest but he's a good boy. He had a very soothing presence.
The 85 bus has had a lot of problems this week. If I remember I'm going to ask if the fire on Gulf Bank affected the route.
I woke up at 3. I had done up care packages for the drivers with a little note saying goodbye. I had meant to hand them out yesterday but I was sick. Since I was already up I went out and met them today.
I got a few groceries on my way home. I plan to make a veggie stew tomorrow before work. If it's good I'll tell you more about it.
That's it for now!
I have been in denial for a while.
I am certain the pest is going to "show her color" on Facebook. Some of my friends don't understand what I've dealt with. Maybe this will help them understand. Biscuits death featured many spam photos and videos of dead and tortured cats.
I needed a day to myself. Chief Snitch is unsympathetic at best. When I was injured she told everyone I fell because I was drunk. Said it right in front of me! When Biscuit died she said "You have other cats"
She knows I don't drink ever. I really was sick this morning - I did need the day to myself. I just need some time to nurse my battered heart.
I'm going to try to lure Spotty into a cuddle.
Generally when I hear that, it's trouble. And it takes a little time for the customer to put in the complaint. The customer thinks it time well spent.
But what if the associate is doing a good job? Very few people will take time out of their day to put in a compliment.
I had a compliment last week. It only took a few minutes out of the customers day, but it made her happy, me happy, and my boss happy.
I would only suggest you start the conversation with "You've been wonderful, can I tell your boss?".
I think it does an amazing job. I'd be happy if I woke up at my goal weight one day but I'm not stressing about it.
I ask a lot of it, I have a brutal schedule, hours on my feet, miles of walking even on my days off. I have had a fantastic recovery from my arm injury.
My mind as well, battling what I do. It doesn't ask for much.
Yesterday I basically spent the whole day napping. This morning I got up at about 3.
It's my preference to get up 3 hours before I need to leave, that way I'm not rushed. I think it is very important to equip myself with prayer and Bible study before I walk out the door, not to mention it takes a while to do up the outreach - I want to be led on that.
So about 4 am found me in the shower, violently nauseous. I went to work like that last week and it was a terrible day. I couldn't face that again. So I called out and went back to bed.
I feel a little better; I don't regret the choice. That's it for now.
Street evangelism
Spicy and ethnic food (I own a wok).
Owning my mistakes.
Standing up for myself - no one in my life really ever did that.
Today found me getting sick, by myself praise God, at the bus stop. I am definitely empty now and I didn't have trouble coming in to work.
Last night I had some trouble once I got off the last bus. Long story short a man was hiding until I passed, came out and was following me. God alerted me to this so I stopped walking, turned around, and confronted him. I kept telling him to WALK AWAY. He did, eventually, because I was clear the next stop was a call to 911.
I told him "You don't live here (the neighborhood)". He agreed. He also never once mentioned "trying to go home" or anything like that.
And let's not forget he was *hiding in the woods at midnight*. Innocent men don't do that. He was whining a lot and "swore on my son's life" several times which I also found a red flag.
He did not get off the bus and he wasn't visible when I looked around after I got off.
If I really felt he was ok I would have suggested he walk home *ahead* of me but he was a walking red flag. He wasn't happy about it but he walked off. He kept looking over his shoulder at me to see if I was still watching. I did watch for a good 10 minutes before I continued home, and only then stopping and looking all around me every minute or so.
And obviously I'm OK. Except for the nausea and the fact I got 3 hours of sleep, but I did hand out 5 Gospel packets on the way in today.
Taking my best friend, the third element, has saved my life. No one I know day to day knows about my problem and that's how I want it.
It does come with a price tag. I can honestly say I don't think it caused weight gain. I own that, it's 100% my choices. The nausea can.be pretty severe but it comes and goes. And it has come even in spite of careful food choices.
Oh it is not pleasant.
I was unhappy to realize I work Friday night and Saturday morning. Not an overnight, I actually work the night, go home, turn around and work the next day.
They hired more people for my department so we'll see how that works. The customers, some of them, have been pretty rough. Personally I think body cameras are a great idea and would protect us. I also venture the customers would be less abusive.
I had one lady tonight who basically told me she could treat me like crap as long as she wanted because she was "going to spend some money tonight". Based on what I saw in the cart maybe $50.
I'm going to bed!
Ron's family was very proud. They also had a tradition, I think, like many poor Catholic families, of a lavish formal wedding.
When Ron's nephew got married it was a very big deal. And the women in the family were quite concerned Ron and I would "embarrass the family" at the wedding, with our attire, so they wanted to play fashion police
Ron and I got him a nice, basic, black suit for about $100 from "Suits U" 😜. His brother picked out the accessories in a separate shopping trip, and even he couldn't fault my taste in what I selected for Ron.
The ladies, my two sisters in law, who earned themselves a permanent spot on the prayer list, decided to take me shopping. Now, in their defense I was one of those women who thought I could fit in smaller clothes than I could. I think they were worried about it.
I ended up spending way more than I wanted at some boutique for a long, formal gown in plum with lace accents. We did butt heads over shoes and I ended up spending $100 on a pair of strappy high heels stuffed in tiny crystals, very pretty but excruciating to wear. I had wanted some kind of flat.
The punchline: a very formal wedding in a Catholic cathedral. Ron's brother showed up in a three piece white "pimp Daddy" suit that had the bride and groom LIVID.
So much for the fashion police! That's one reason I didn't invite him my wedding. I was afraid he had that thing in storage!
That was the song. I detest it at a level I cannot convey.
One time years before Ron died he had been on a steady track of verbal abuse, drinking heavily, using pornography (don't ask), keeping me up all night and then forcing me to go to work...let me tell you, I earned this house ..
Anyway the other vendor would go to work, and sit in a chair in his stockroom. He played a radio that was tuned to a pop/top 40 station.
One day I came dragging in wondering how much more I could take and mentally railing at God - I was *upset* - no doubt about it - and the radio started playing that song. I wanted to throw the radio out the door.
I didn't. I played the game. But every time I hear the song, it comes back.
I am getting a lot done today. The boss is happy she is leaving me alone.
No appetite either so I'm not eating. I am doing ok with hydration drinks.
I was thinking about something when I was sick, how, sometimes when I had a migraine, Ron would hold my hair up for me when I got sick, and blow on the back of my neck.
He didn't do it often, and he couldn't after the accident. But I was thinking about it.
It wasn't all bad; a lot of it was utterly hideous but not all.
When I'm sick I crave peppermints desperately, and of course I didn't have any this weekend. I got a delivery with some extras I am going to keep on my bedside table.
I am working my way through a bag of the soft ($$) mints and they are so refreshing.
I made a Walmart order. It is very hard meal planning with a migraine. I am watching a little TV and all the food commercials are nauseating at best.
So I got the fixings for protein shakes, candy to hand out, cat food (not that I've seen anyone), and some of those frozen burritos that always stick to the plate when I warm them. I figured that might be nice after work.
I work 6 days in a row starting tomorrow. I'm still sick but improving enough I can work tomorrow.
Why I had to be sick I don't know. I could have done meal prep, cleaning. But maybe there's a virus out there or I would have been run over. I don't know.
The sad thing about a migraine I don't really sleep
So I can't say I'm well rested!
But God knows why this had to happen, that's good enough for me.
I like the stick kind with lots of salt. I ate about a half dozen we'll see how they settle.
Taking lithium I am at a pretty high risk of hyponatremia (low blood sodium), so it is very important for me to have a lot of salt in my diet, and to get ample salt and rehydration drinks when I'm losing fluids.
I'm feeling better. Not 100%.
I made a Walmart delivery order for this evening, including more hydration drinks.
Friday night leaving work I got a migraine. I tried the CBD but it didn't help. And coughing up smoke with a migraine is no treat. Then the vomiting. It's been a bad one.
Friday night. Yesterday. Last night. This morning.
I have reached a couple of conclusions. Maybe I need to cut back on the wheat. I also plan to stay away from the CBD.
I just hope I can work tomorrow!
I am urinating ample amounts so I'm not dehydrated.
I have also seen some amazing outreach and this keeps me humble. I told God I am ok with this if I get to stay in the game.
I gave a police officer some (special for law enforcement) tracts and a New Testament, handed out a couple more Spanish things at a restaurant, and got 2 drivers on the way home.
This morning I was thinking about computers, mine is dead, Spotty fried it. I remembered a time back in the early 2000's. Ron's brother and sister in law were high living luxury types. They remodeled their house and turned one of 3 bedrooms into a walk in closet.
We went to visit one time and they wanted to show us their computer. Ron had told his brother we had built our own. So they bring us in the room and tell us how great it is, top of the line, bought it from her boss. And it wouldn't boot.
I told Ron, "You'd better open it up, I don't think it has a hard drive.". Ron was aghast and kept saying that can't be it while the inlaws are saying it worked when we paid for it, and implied Ron "broke" it by pressing the power button.
Eventually they opened it. It didn't have a hard drive; the seller took it out before he gave it to them. Ron had the very ineviable task if explaining they had been ripped off and paid hundreds for "an empty box with no brain".
They kept saying Ron broke it and eventually she called her boss, who smugly told her she bought "a computer" not the hard drive. They were livid. Ron said he could fix it if they gave us the box and bought him a hard drive to install. They did that.
I also talked Ron into buying "Go Back" software because I knew they didn't know how to operate computers and would make a lot of mistakes.
And then Ron got hurt. Part of the fallout Ron's family disowned him because I refused to put him in a nursing home and the hospital social worker said he would need a lot of ongoing help for the rest of his life.
His Dad came to visit every day for a month or so until the other kids made him stop. One of his last visits he said (brother) wanted his computer back. I was livid. I wanted to uninstall everything, take the hard drive out, and give it back.
But Ron was a better Christian. He prevailed, so they got a completely functional computer with working "Go back" software so they could undo any boo-boos. That was the last contact we had with Ron's family.
Just thinking about that today as I look at my poor dead Chromebook. I will likely get myself a reconditioned one.
I think the title says it all. I'm an extrovert, I will walk up to anyone. Not everyone is, that's fine. God made us all different.
But there are some fun things you can do for evangelism:
1. If you hand out candy for Halloween get children's tracts or "The Way to God" booklet from World Missionary Press (free for the asking). Put the candy in a sandwich ziplock with the tract or booklet. You want a zip top bag. I have done that for almost 20 years and I have never had an issue with a recipient objecting to Jesus. I would suggest a generous amount of good candy.
2. The current mailman doesn't want it, but you can put treats (peanut butter crackers, things that won't melt in the heat, granola bars, a bottle of water, etc) in the mailbox. I was doing bags of heat safe candy. The current guy doesn't want it. So I respect that.
3. I have a chair by my front door, with bags of done up candy with tracts, New Testaments in bags of candy, etc., various languages (thanks to World Missionary Press again) in a box labeled "Thank you! Help Yourself!" The UPS guy took a bag of candy last week, someone took a New Testament one night. Good! Very easy and no face to face contact.
4. If you use a manned checkout at the grocery store, ask the cashier their favorite candy bar, buy it, and give it to them. And/or buy a cold bottle of water and do that.
5. You can always fund awesome ministries like World Missionary Press, Samaritian's Purse, etc. Just be careful it does have a Biblical ministry, a lot have gone off track.
6. Vital, vital, vital! Prayer for evangelists, their recipients, the people who produce and ship the Gospel material.
I was late leaving the house because I forgot my wallet and had to go back.
I had also taken my time doing up candy with a lot of New Testaments, I found a few at home. So I had nice bags of candy with a New Testament, Scripture booklet, handwritten note. I had the first delivery in a plastic grocery bag with a frozen water.
When he had come to a stop, put it in park, the others got off, I walked past him, handed him the bag, and said "Snack time!". He put his hand under it and felt the frozen water and said "Ooh! Thank you!" (Bus drivers are crazy for a frozen bottle of water). And he took it!
That makes him a recipient.
Keyboard is a little better today. I do know someone who would clean it for me (take it apart and) if needed.
I slept pretty well for me but woke up with a headache, going to take a hot shower and do my God Time. Spotty won't sleep with me but he wants to get in my lap when I'm on the computer?
I haven't seen Cleo much, lately. When I do see her she's pretty skittish.
That's it for now.
I didn't know. When I was a teenager they never talked about about domestic violence, and different forms of abuse.
What the abuser does, is test you when they first meet you, can they turn a no into a yes? That means they don't have to respect your wishes. It can be very subtle (See Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear" for more).
Ron also tested me with stories of his past. He drank to blackouts, in the past. How did I react? He hit a woman once during a blackout (but it wasn't really him, he would never do that sober).
No one ever said "If they'll hit a woman drunk he'll do it sober". He ex had left him, as she was leaving he "helped carry down her boom box" after shorting it out so it wouldn't work. His ex then got a restraining order as he kept calling "So I could understand". She "tricked the judge into believing I was beating her" His take? "She would attack me and I would defend myself". Knowing Ron he probably made very provoking comments. "Even my doctor said I was beating her up" After he moved on "I dated a lot, and borrowed $1,000 from one of them, but I couldn't pay her back so she took me to court".
So many red flags, even more I won't mention. He kept saying it was "all in the past and he didn't drink anymore".
You can imagine my horror when, my miniscule savings account in hand, I moved in with him and one of his first shopping trips was Liquor Barn. He had his first blackout about 6 months later. It never got better from that point.
Anyway, there are different types of abuse, not just striking someone. I'll get into what I experienced.
Physical: for some reason, on several occasions he bit me on my arms, and one occasion my legs (this was not romantic in any way). He also liked choking me. He slapped me several times. On one occasion, I slapped him back.
Financial: He discouraged me from getting any training/schooling for a very long time (until he met a woman from work who later dumped him after seeing his true colors) so I couldn't make much money. I had an interview call me with a job offer Ron never told me about. When I went to work for him, he controlled ALL the money and paid me a small allowance. I did not give him access to what I did have, and did my best to have a small "escape fund" if needed. My problem ,working for him I didn't have a fresh, reliable, work history. No one in the Blind Vendor Program would have had my back if I left him.
Legal: I was told Ron would be terminated from the program if I ever pressed domestic violence charges on him, this while I was walking around black and blue from one of his attacks. I would have lost my job , my home, my cats if I'd sought justice. His consultant knew what was going on, didn't care as long as the building host was happy and didn't call headquarters.
Communication: He did not want me to get a cell phone. When I did he demanded the passcode so he could "check your voicemail now and then you know you are terrible at that". He would "forget" to pay the bill and get it cut off until I put it in my own name.
Transportation: He encouraged my anxiety issues about riding the bus and controlled my transportation. I only went where he wanted me to go.
He did not want me online but had to way to prevent that, as I needed to file "the monthly report" online, and the sales tax, in addition to doing some ordering and email.
He once told me "I know I'll get into big trouble if I ever get online so please be my gatekeeper" and I did that. His computer did not get online. So I had this outlet.
When he found out I was attending Al Anon he got very upset, tried the pitiful thing "I'm not that bad am I? " The other women were talking about the guy just drinking a lot with no abuse, and they all left the guys and took him to the cleaner during the divorce. Ron would have been very upset to hear that.
After we had been living together for a while I asked about getting married. He said marriage was a weapon that women used on men to "hurt them when they screwed up". I should have run like hell! Basically that if we lived together he could throw me out in the street with no repercussions but if we were married I had "rights". But he usually said he would lose money on his disability check even after the business was making money.
So, a lot of red flags, looking back. But I was a kid, I had brain damage, I was a romantic. I had no idea what I was in for.
Spiritual abuse: he would mock my faith relentlessly, and then say things like "But don't lose your faith or I'll get in trouble with God". If he found out I was praying or doing Bible study he would do these long rants/diatriabes about God being "unfair' basically.
He also made it a point to isolate me from people who cared about me.
That's it for now!
It is very unfair of me, but I have a great hatred of country music. Ron listened to it a lot, he would drink and act terrible.
In the late 90's housing was at a premium in Silicon Valley. I wanted to leave Ron, and found a roommate matching service run free by the County, applied. I was making about $1.500 a month. They found two matches for me, a room in a houseful of pagans "We do rituals here, is that a problem?" and sharing a one bedroom apartment with a couple, their toddler, and their baby.
So I (mentally) went back to Ron, who had decided he was going on an open marriage kick. "If you don't like it" he said smugly "You can leave". He knew I couldn't.
I knew my parents did not want me back.
As I saw it, I had no choice. I told him I was not OK with him cheating, if he did I didn't want to hear about it. And he cheated, a lot (he had already cheated on me 2 times before).
Side note, after he followed me to Houston I told him I would only stay with him if he was monogamous, he swore he would but he cheated 2 more times that I know of.
Anyway, after we got married he would get drunk, draw himself a bath (he only liked the water up about 1/3 or so) sit in it shouting all his indescretions at me. Listening to country music.
He would also listen to country music when he was being hateful, etc. Basically every time he attacked me verbally and/or physically what was he playing in the background? It wasn't Journey!
I volunteered to work on a holiday eve recently, the day before Mother's Day. And they had a "Country Music takeover" on the overhead radio system I had to listen to it my entire 9 hour shift. The job itself was stressful but I found that worse. I had actually volunteered to work that day, I wouldn't have been so eager if I knew.
There's a song they play on the overhead. I have been listening to "my" style music as I've been typing but it escapes me. But I hate that song so much when it comes on.
I want to work in a place with music but sometimes I don't.
With my job I cannot wear earbudds.
I have forgiven a lot, but I have never been able (and, yes, I know I need to) forgive: my sister told me our mother died unsaved and let me believe that for years. Do you know what that did to me? An EVANGELIST?!!
Years later she disclosed Mom had been saved, a few weeks prior to her death,"but it didn't count as it wasn't (my cult.)"
I was livid. I said nothing. Her husband is a very nice guy, utterly devoted to her. She was working as an office assistant with a psychiatrists office. She took her husband to an office party and her boss told her "It's so cool you married a guy with autism.".
She was very upset "I thought I could FIX him" (rule #1 in any relationship what you see is what you get), realized "This is it" and left him, filed for divorce.
I know no one would have made the choice I did, to stay with Ron. But he always did better when I was around. I just can't fathom that.
I don't talk about this but I was unmedicated bipolar for 14 years with Ron. He stayed.
My primary abuser growing up destroyed every photo my parents had of me. My Dad had a very hard time with that. I told my sister this. She promised, for a good 20 years, to send her copies. She did not, until a couple of months ago. I didn't respond.
She sent me a text message, some pretext about a family tree. I am not interested in being on it. Frankly our niece has a serious drug problem. I don't want her getting my personal information. No.
She said, once, it was "Her biggest dream" to get me in her cult (local church movement). She also said she wanted me to move in with her (she is a very severe hoarder) and be her full time caregiver.
That's not going to happen, either one. God has taken care of me.
I am not a leader. I'm more of an independent but I take direction very well. My boss used to apologize for asking me to do "off book" things (not in my job description). She was actually a little defensive. But I keep telling them (Team Leads) if it's in the 10 Commandments I'll do it. I have done just about everything including unloading a pallet of dairy freight in the cooler (it was great as I was having a hot flash).
But you can tell me what you want, stick me in a corner and leave me. That's what I mean. I'll do it. And if I finish early I'll do some other things you mentioned.
Now at the Post Office they had a union. An example, Ron spilled a gallon of mustard when we had the deli, he knocked it off the hand cart and it ruptured. Ron didn't know, he stepped in it, walked around, "tried' to clean it up before he started yelling for me. There was a custodian standing there the whole time. I took a look at it and said, aloud "I need a mop and bucket". The custodian just shrugged.
I remembered seeing them in a closet near the front entrance, so I went in the closet (!) got the mop and bucket, filled it with clean water, went back, mopped up the gallon of mustard, dumped out the water, got fresh water, mopped it all clean. A supervisor walked by and said "Why did you go in the closet?"
I pointed at the custodian, standing there. "He wouldn't help, it was a safety hazard". No, I was told, the safety hazard was me getting the mop and bucket, that *they would always clean up a spill for me* (HA! Not in twenty years did they lift a finger!) And they made a call to Ron's supervisor and got me in trouble.
That's why I don't like unions. Later on a Postal Worker told me it was basically "job stealing' that only certain people were allowed to do certain jobs, and it someone else did the job even for a minute it was Big Trouble.
But I just remember the insolent creep standing there in his coveralls watching.
But I've been working my entire adult life and seen a lot of people. Ron was a terrible husband and human being but he was an excellent manager, one of the best I've ever seen.
An example, and I've shared this before. We had an employee, "Jane". She was very talkative, I think had ADHD, but she did the work of 4 people and always had a fantastic attitude. But she liked to wear tight leggings and crop tops. She'd had 5 children. Not only that she kept saying it was the same size she wore in high school. The leggings were pushing the excess to her "muffin top" belly and it was pretty awful. One of the customers complained to Ron.
He took Jane off to a quiet corner of the cafeteria, sat down, told her, first thing "You're not in trouble" . I watched from afar. Within a minute or two he had her laughing about this. She nodded several times, he gave her something, they got up, she put my apron over her clothes. The next day she was wearing something appropriate.
He had to tell her "The customers say you are so fat you are making them sick". And he got her to laugh about it!
I asked him what he gave her and he said he gave her $50 to buy some new clothes.
One of my team leads (not the spicy one) is very good at relating to people but has told me more than once "I will throw you under the bus to save my job". Not what I was looking for!
But we have an associate. She generally helps Chief Snitch and is very good spirited about her treatment (poor). But CS was off on Friday night when we were very short staffed. She made sure I got my lunch, had everyone managing the details, etc. She is a natural. I told (throw you under the bus) my Team Lead and she agreed.
The team leads are encouraged to cultivate good prospects so I know they'll keep an eye on her.
I live reading biographies. You can learn a lot. I, Tina, was a real eye opener. I read "Made in America" (Sam Walton's) 20 years before I went to work for his company.
I read a lot of missionary ones, too.
And one common theme they all have that person they struggled to forgive.
Which got me thinking about my list. The other vendors in our facility. The Blind Vendors program. The postal workers, the man who ran over Ron. That's pretty much it. I'm still working on them.
Ones I would have thought would be a problem, my birth mother, Ron, the young men who robbed my house, the kid who shot me with the pellet gun, the one who cut off my ponytail (that must have been one HELL of a knife!), the driver who hurt me. I'm past that I just need to make a concerted effort on the rest. God will give me what I need.
There was a bombing of a fertility clinic recently, it was not a religious guy but an atheist type who feels people shouldn't get help getting pregnant.
Ron once said everyone he knew with fertility issues shouldn't be a parent, I knew a few of those. I know one lady I worked with was Latina and irate the company did not pay for IVF. She just set off alarm bells with me, overall.
Then you have someone like my birth Mom. She got pregnant at 12, had my brother in the back of a taxi, had my sister at 13. Remarried a criminal, got pregnant, didn't want the baby and shot herself trying to end both lives (her and the baby). Mom was always pretty dramatic. She lived, the baby didn't, she got divorced. She met my Dad down the line (married 7 times, Dad was #6), married him.
According to my (unreliable) sister they had trouble conceiving but got pregnant years later, had the baby. He died a few weeks later. Mom decided she wanted another baby NOW.
So they went to some trouble (for the 70's), to bring me into the world. And she drank very heavily every day of the pregnancy, damaging my brain.
Which begs the question why get pregnatn if you're going to hurt the baby?!!!
I don't know.
I do know God has used me tremendously, like this. I accept my life. I have said again and again I will do anything, endure anything, for my recipients. If someone feels God's love because of the life I've lived, the tears I've cried, it's worth it. Don't forget, if you're reading this you are also a recipient.
I have a family member who adopted older, special needs, and abused kids. He has raised about 10. Most of them are living happy lives.
I would have loved to adopt some blind children. It didn't happen. For one, Ron would have been a very poor father. I will never speak of some of it - and that's saying a lot, for me. But he did not have healthy tools for relationships even when he was sober.
We briefly got some counseling in 2005. I paid for it. In addition to not noticing I was bipolar the therapist kept talking to Ron about his own binge drinking. I got tired of the "I got so wasted and I knew just what I was doing" I felt that was very poor for a guy who had a Divinity Degree and a PhD in counseling. But he made one point that spooked Ron so bad he never went back. "You have never grieved going blind".
I was telling my friends this story last night to flesh Ron out a little, I don't want people to see him as a cookie cutter "bad guy". He had a lot of pain he tried to hide with alcohol and it wasn't just physical. Anyway, Ron was born with glaucoma. One eye was so enlarged at birth they had no baby pictures of him for years, that eye was removed. Ron used to tell me again and again he had "Nine eye operations".
One time Ron was due for surgery. The anesthesiologist came in with the papers. "What is this?" he demanded, waving the papers I'd filled out. "He had ether?. The question had been had Ron ever had a bad reaction to anesthesia and what it was.
OH, yeah! Ron replied, I was (very combative) when I woke up.
When was this?
Sometime in the 1960's I replied.
"Well" the doctor said, "We're not giving him either!"
I didn't tell that story to my friends.
But I did tell them this: Ron was outside playing with his cousins. He was almost blind by then, the good eye had been steadily failing. He had some 1960's style counseling on that. He had vocational rehab. His mother was at work, he never talked about his Dad's role in this.
Anyway he was outside playing and "They turned off the sun" he always said it in such a broken voice. He would continue (he talked about this a few times). "They called my mother at work" he'd continue. "And she told them she wasn't coming, to put me to bed." I would always tell him how awful that was, I never said this but your kid only goes blind once in his life. It's not like he skinned his knee.
I don't know if that was before or after the incident where Ron's brother sold him to the older boy across the street for (it was either a quarter or a nickel). "It hurt!" He only told me that once when he was very drunk. But the pain was real.
So not in any way father material until he got all that worked out, that and other issues (there was domestic violence also in the house).
And I didn't get my medication until I was 32. I couldn't even take care of myself.
But I always remind myself, and I'd tell any "religious" type this as well, God did not use me for serious ministry until I had my diagnosis and medication. Once I got on board with that, wham.
I have people in my life who do not take their medication. I have at least 2 coworkers who are bipolar, one told me herself (I did not reciprocate). I have a sibling, the primary abuser. He does not live my life of temperence, routine, and medication.
I'm pretty sure I've hit the "use by" date for kids anyway. Although my body might surprise me one day. But I have spiritual children. That's where the love goes.
