As we forgive our debtors...

Oh, that little line in the Lord's Prayer. God's been laying it on me recently: I need to give up my grudges.

I carry bitterness in my heart towards various people: a woman who broke a commandment, people who swore I could depend on them and let me down when I reached out, an officer of the law who not only stole from my husband, but lied on the accident report - then came and said the accident was "All your fault because you let him out of the house." - I'm sorry. I didn't know my husband had to be LEASHED. I needed that money to pay the rent! Give me 10 minutes with that man - and immunity from criminal charges!

However, God provided, as He always does. I cannot carry around the anger and bitterness - it will affect my walk with Jesus. I'm sure Jesus is tired of watching me lug this backpack of resentment, hate, and bitterness. I lug it, and He asks me if He can take it. I yell at Him. He shrugs and walks with me, watching me grunt and heave the monstrous thing onto my back.

I told God, I can't do this on my own... and unlike some stories I've read the feelings haven't just evaporated. No warm cuddlies here! It's more like running a long-distance race. I'm struggling and heaving and I don't even see the finish line, but I know it's there... I just have to run to that pole.... now to the sign.

He laid it on me, that one thing I need to do is begin praying for them, daily. ALL OF THEM. By name.

Lord, take care of A., please forgive me for treating her badly. We both sinned.
Lord, take care of S. You know I had so many issues with her, it's so easy to clutch that hate... but I can't do that, You want me to be better than that! Help me to see her as Your daughter, because I don't think I can love her any other way.
Lord, take care of that thieving repairman we trusted for years. Hey, howya doing, and the numbers never added up until we took away his key. Please help me to forgive him and redeem him from his sins, if it's Your will.
Lord, please take care of A & T. They both sinned... but we allowed them to hurt us. Please help me to forgive them, myself, and Ron.
Lord, please take care of the people who gossiped about me after Ron's accident. I am so ready to repay evil for evil but gossip is a sin, and I'm not to do that.
Lord, please take care of Officer B - the one I mentioned. I don't know how he could do what he did. I know Ron has forgiven him. I just relive that moment where he blamed ME for the accident, not a careless driver, I want to get out of that moment and move on. Help him to know You, if it's Your will. If it's Your will, please hold him accountable on Earth, too, for his theft and deception. You can make anything work for good, and in this case You allowed other people to rescue me in my hour of need. Thank You for teaching me humility and trust. Help me to see this man as Your child, precious in your sight. You died for him, too.
Lord, please help me to forgive those who said hateful things about me and gossiped to Ron's caregivers after the accident. They did it out of fear, You have shown me that. Ron was very scary at the time and they were trying to protect me when they did what they did. Please help me to forgive them for letting me down when I needed them. You did a wonderful job of providing for my every need, Lord, every single one. Had I depended on them, they would have saddled me with a tremendous burden of obligation and duty I never would have escaped. Help me to remember that they did me a favor. I don't believe they are saved, Lord. Please guide them to You.
Lord, please help me to forgive all the mental health professionals I saw, who simply couldn't see I had bipolar disorder. I suffered for three decades, Lord, and I know You cried with me everytime. Thank you for allowing me respite from my illness, with such affordable medications! I will always thank you for the third element, Lithium. Please allow me to see that it was Your will I remain the way I did for so long. All I see is decades of misery, but You saw it as a time of trial that tested and refined my faith. I guess I needed all that misery to become who I am today. Help me to forgive them.

Hopefully, as I continue down this path I will learn to truly forgive them. Now, it's something I know I need to do - like taking my vitamins. I hope God will fill my heart with love and compassion for these people as I pray for them on a regular basis.

It's not an easy thing to do.