When did I know?

Before I start this, I need to say my mood is fine; I'm just contemplating.

As I checked the mail today, I saw the sporting goods catalog. They featured a handgun, on sale.

Three years ago, almost this time, I got another catalog. I saw the shotguns were "only" about $100. First thought, I could afford that. I found the page irresistable.

That gun would make suicide so easy. I was enthralled by that gun, enchanted, and mesmerized. I couldn't stop thinking about that gun. No more pain, for the cost of gun and shells! I could end my pain - that day! I couldn't stop thinking about the gun or planning my suicide.

I battled it for about 2 weeks, and decided to see my doctor. The rest is history. I was diagnosed and eventually received proper treatment. I'm not suicidal anymore, even when I cycle depressed.

In fact, I can predict that a "basic" depression will run about 2 weeks, followed by a 1-2 week mania, then about a month of baseline mood. Currently I'm manic, just a little mixed (some depression symptoms at the same time). Today, not fun. I had hallucinations. UGH. I hate them!

Hearing music that isn't there! Trying to sleep and the music is playing and it's IN MY HEAD. Fortunately, as I tell people, they have pills for that. I took it, then I got to sleep. I hardly have any hallucinations now... no more invisible bugs crawling on my skin, just sometimes I smell BBQ smoke when I shouldn't, and I hear music rarely.

I'd probably be "better" if I took a larger dose, but I hate the thought. I don't mind a minor tremor or two, in exchange for fewer side effects and lower prescription bill. Ron would be furious if he read that, but it's true. I hate being "expensive".

So, when did I know I needed help? The glee I felt when I turned the page in the catalog "Oh, Boy! A gun!" internally, not even vocalized in my mind "That would do the job." I had it all planned out, when I wasn't plotting how to get up to "suicide overpass" which is used fairly often. It's a massive drop, that kills on impact, then the cars'll getcha too.

However, no one'll die until God wills it. Even a jump from height may not be fatal - if God says "You're not done". That was about the only thing that kept me from making a serious attempt.

In Junior High, I realized I needed help - the thought waking up another day was so unbearable, I'd rather die. I got help.

Now, things are better. I'm planning a trip to the garden center and a new expansion on my intensively planted garden bed. Even "sick", I think I still manage to have as much fun, if not more, than the average person. Thanks to my medication.

I never, ever, allow myself to forget "Before".