It happened again. I'm on the computer. I'm nauseous because I took my lithium. I had just checked my blood sugar, which was OK. I have to watch my sugars now because my medication has made me prediabetic, and I'm sick to my stomach because lithium can have some brutal side effects.
There it was. A humorous "joke". Ha. The weather in Texas is hot and cold. Hot and cold. It must be bipolar.
First emotion. Anger.
Second emotion. Pain.
Third emotion, hopelessness.
Fourth emotion: despair.
People just don't get it. Even my own husband doesn't understand how hurtful those comments can be. Nobody's making jokes about HIS disabilities, but mental illness is always fair game.
Even my husband, who I think understands me pretty well, thinks it's "fine" although a bit tasteless. I just need to get tougher, he implies.
There's nothing wrong in comparing my illness to capricious weather. Even though I've made major sacrifices to be as stable and boring as possible.
I'm nauseous. I need a nap every day. I need at least 8 hours of sleep every night, in addition to my nap. I have to take my blood sugars because I'm prediabetic. Sticking myself on a regular basis is not fun.
Why do I do it all? So idiots like the one I read tonight don't see me acting "bipolar". Sometimes I don't think it's worth it.
If my illness didn't involve so much personal pain, I swear, sometimes I would go off the meds. I get no compassion, no understanding, just idiot buttheads to tell me to throw away my pills, fast and pray. I'm not better because I don't trust God enough. I must like the label.
I suffer through absolutely miserable side effects just because I'm a masochist. Oh, and I enjoy spending hundreds of dollars a month on the medication that gives me so much joy. I get to savor the fun of my husband's annoyance when I'm foggy and can't think.
Oh, yeah. I love it. Especially when people always use it as a derogatory adjective.
2 comments:
Heather I am so grateful to be able to read your blog and so glad I found it! I lurk on the LCF and do not post there because personally I can not stand the turmoil.
as an RN I have argued with my coworkers about mental illness and said flat out "you are fine if it is stomach ache but if the brain is betraying someone you can not see this is an illness that needs care and concern? we are health care providers and I do not appreciate the comments folks make either ..bless you and your journey and thank you so much for sharing it. you give me great insight and I wish you could come and talk to people I work with you are as I said in a previous comment a "shinning example of someone living with a chronic illness" you should find a way to speak to people! you are bless with a gift of insight not many folks have! thanks again!
(I would share my name but I am quite private and going through my own struggles now, however if you want me to pm you on the board I would be happy to)
Thank you! Sometimes I feel very alone. I'm never NOT talking about "mental illness" - I think it is very important to de-stigmatize it.
Many of the people I encounter are pretty igonorant of the basics, so I try to explain things clearly and de-mystify it.
(((hugs)))
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