Today was raw. Waking up was fine. Going to Sam's Club was fine. Not fun to push the wheelchair in the pouring rain. Not fun trying to find a place to "park" him.
Getting the supplies we needed, fine. By the time we had our pickup to work my increased lithium doses had caught up with me. I think I mentioned I'd increased my dose, had to, because I was getting hyper and that will end with me freaking out, paranoid, suicidal, and unable to sleep. I want to forget I'm sick if at all possible.
Today I was "sick" [I]and[/I] brain damaged. I couldn't think and I kept making mistakes. Example, I left a case of milk out on the loading dock. Ron got really agggravated and yelled at me. I yelled back. I was nice to him, doing everything he asked and offering plenty of help when he looked like he needed it. I felt very unappreciated.
I felt like I was pouring all my love down and black hole of unappreciation and disrespect for Heather. That I had one purpose - a "toilet" for all his negative emotions. Feeling bad? Dump on Heather! I told him I never, ever made him feel bad when he needed [I]my[/I] help. I'd appreciate it if he tried to do the same for me.
In response, he screamed "I wouldn't have picked [I]you[/I]!" and rolled himself off into a wall. I wish I were making this up, but I don't have the imagination. I turned on my MP3 player because I didn't want to hear any more.
So. I went off into the stockroom and had a good cry. It got better. Ron banged on the wall and needed help in the middle of it, so I stopped, mopped up helped him, and went back to crying. Then my alarm went off. Pill time. Because we were supposed to go out to lunch today, I hadn't brought a lunch. I had 2 choices: Ham spread in a can, or a bag of peanuts. I had plenty of other choices but I'm not eating them.
I have to take my medication with food of I'll get sick to my stomach. Without a doubt, the most depressing part of my day was opening up that can of ham spread. Zero carbs, smells awful. Plenty of fat and protien, though. I gagged it down and took my medication. Oh. It was horrible. I am buying some Slimfast Low Carbs and taking them to work. I'd rather eat a slipper than another can of [I]ham spread[/I]. Ghastly.
After work, I realized the bus stop bench was covered in fire ants. They didn't bite me, thank God. I sat on the curb near Ron. He called maintenance about the ants, and offered me to sit in his lap. I took him up. He couldn't do it for long, obviously, but I sat on the curb when he got tired.
Our driver went past us 3 times before he saw me waving. And I'm riding with this man. On the freeway. Scary. We had a decent trip home.
Ron staggered into bed and collapsed. I had a diet soda to get the taste out of my mouth. I checked in on him before I took my nap and he asked me to fix him some lunch.
I was walking towards the kitchen, thinking "I give and give and nothing makes Ron happy. I can only give 100%!" I then had a thought I'm convinced came from God: "Don't make Ron happy. Make God happy." Good advice!
I knew God would want me to fix Ron a wholesome meal with a smile, and be cheerful about giving to him. Ron hates it when people are resentful about helping him (his family). I fixed Ron a nice lunch and even put a bottle of milk into an ice bucket for him.
He loved it and was very grateful. I went to check the mail and saw my Bubba! I sure love him. He was very sweet, rubbing against my legs, meowing, and purring. I sat down and petted him for a while, until he got bored and left. He is just full of love. I adore him.
I went inside and Frosty was already in my bed, waiting for me. I gave him some treats and dropped right off to sleep. I had my usual creepy nightmares, woke up, and came here.
I did eat smart today, but I'm exhausted.
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