Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Ham Spread - Make God Happy

Today was raw. Waking up was fine. Going to Sam's Club was fine. Not fun to push the wheelchair in the pouring rain. Not fun trying to find a place to "park" him.

Getting the supplies we needed, fine. By the time we had our pickup to work my increased lithium doses had caught up with me. I think I mentioned I'd increased my dose, had to, because I was getting hyper and that will end with me freaking out, paranoid, suicidal, and unable to sleep. I want to forget I'm sick if at all possible.


Today I was "sick" [I]and[/I] brain damaged. I couldn't think and I kept making mistakes. Example, I left a case of milk out on the loading dock. Ron got really agggravated and yelled at me. I yelled back. I was nice to him, doing everything he asked and offering plenty of help when he looked like he needed it. I felt very unappreciated.

I felt like I was pouring all my love down and black hole of unappreciation and disrespect for Heather. That I had one purpose - a "toilet" for all his negative emotions. Feeling bad? Dump on Heather! I told him I never, ever made him feel bad when he needed [I]my[/I] help. I'd appreciate it if he tried to do the same for me.

In response, he screamed "I wouldn't have picked [I]you[/I]!" and rolled himself off into a wall. I wish I were making this up, but I don't have the imagination. I turned on my MP3 player because I didn't want to hear any more.

So. I went off into the stockroom and had a good cry. It got better. Ron banged on the wall and needed help in the middle of it, so I stopped, mopped up helped him, and went back to crying. Then my alarm went off. Pill time. Because we were supposed to go out to lunch today, I hadn't brought a lunch. I had 2 choices: Ham spread in a can, or a bag of peanuts. I had plenty of other choices but I'm not eating them.

I have to take my medication with food of I'll get sick to my stomach. Without a doubt, the most depressing part of my day was opening up that can of ham spread. Zero carbs, smells awful. Plenty of fat and protien, though. I gagged it down and took my medication. Oh. It was horrible. I am buying some Slimfast Low Carbs and taking them to work. I'd rather eat a slipper than another can of [I]ham spread[/I]. Ghastly.

After work, I realized the bus stop bench was covered in fire ants. They didn't bite me, thank God. I sat on the curb near Ron. He called maintenance about the ants, and offered me to sit in his lap. I took him up. He couldn't do it for long, obviously, but I sat on the curb when he got tired.
Our driver went past us 3 times before he saw me waving. And I'm riding with this man. On the freeway. Scary. We had a decent trip home.

Ron staggered into bed and collapsed. I had a diet soda to get the taste out of my mouth. I checked in on him before I took my nap and he asked me to fix him some lunch.

I was walking towards the kitchen, thinking "I give and give and nothing makes Ron happy. I can only give 100%!" I then had a thought I'm convinced came from God: "Don't make Ron happy. Make God happy." Good advice!

I knew God would want me to fix Ron a wholesome meal with a smile, and be cheerful about giving to him. Ron hates it when people are resentful about helping him (his family). I fixed Ron a nice lunch and even put a bottle of milk into an ice bucket for him.

He loved it and was very grateful. I went to check the mail and saw my Bubba! I sure love him. He was very sweet, rubbing against my legs, meowing, and purring. I sat down and petted him for a while, until he got bored and left. He is just full of love. I adore him.

I went inside and Frosty was already in my bed, waiting for me. I gave him some treats and dropped right off to sleep. I had my usual creepy nightmares, woke up, and came here.
I did eat smart today, but I'm exhausted.

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