I do find writing incredibly helpful for processing thoughts.
1. I am vain enough to think that most people who know me, like me, and want good things in my life.
2. I keep mistakenly thinking people will like and respect the fact I do outreach.
That is not true. And that pretty much sums it up.
I'm still here, just very careful.
I was thinking about something that took me a long time to realize; how Ron controlled me, in part, through the cats.
When we got them he always made sure they were registered under his name so he was the legal owner. Except Torbie, since I applied to adopt her she was legally mine.
And he would make little comments like "Oh if you leave I'll fight to get the cats and put them down.". I told him he couldn't do that "Oh I'll just say they are pissing on the rug no one wants that."
At the time the women's shelter did not allow pets.
Or, my favorite during a very bad time in my life "You can't kill yourself. Who will take care of me?"
Wow.
I'm using blogger mobile on my phone which isn't very good and Cleo is running back and forth in my lap which makes it really hard to type with my finger so I'm using the voice to text typing today I'll clean it up when I'm finished and I'll put punctuation and stuff but basically last night I had a problem I go everyday I have recipients and I am basically somewhat in the homeless community because they like to hang out around bus stops so I know some of them they know me they call me the candy lady over all they like me one day a couple months ago there was a man a white guy it is always a white guy he came up to me I was at the bus stop going home after work and he was asking preparatory what I call the predatory questions which are very simple questions with easy answers he knows the answers but he's asking the questions to get me to talk to him and trust him so he can ask bigger questions like money and things like that so he came up and he was asking me what day it was and he was he was very aggressive and hostile and I I just said I don't know I was hoping that would make him leave me alone and he said what are you some kind of dumbass tell me what day it is he got even more hostile and I lost my temper and I said hey I'm not talking to you and he said what? And I said I'm going to make this very clear whatever question you ask me my answer is going to be no and he got all outraged he's like what I said whatever question you ask me the answers going to be no because it was very obvious to me this man did not want the Gospel and he became very aggressive verbally you know cussing me out and stuff and he eventually I forget what happened after that but you know he he either I think he left before the bus came and it was another homeless person there who saw the whole thing and I think that was part of what had him embarrassed is that he felt a emasculated by my setting a boundary a very healthy boundary, and so he you know put on a show for this other guy and I haven't seen him in months and yesterday after work he was at the bus stop and so I ignored him I didn't want to walk up to the next bus stop because the primary bus stop I use going home after work is in a busy area it's not terribly well lit but there are a lot of people around my alternate bus stops in either direction would have been far more isolated and he could have followed me to them so I felt it was better to just wait plus I had my knife in my pants pocket and he was you know making a big production I'm having a tantrum all I can't find something in my bag and I think when he saw a woman approaching he thought that maybe you know he could do put on a little show oh I can't find this thing I need money you know that kind of deal and then he saw it was me and he immediately said oh you're the woman who said the answers no it's always going to be no and just became extremely verbally abusive although nowhere near Ron levels nowhere near Ron levels just just hateful and it was bad enough that passers by were like are you okay and I'm just like whatever you know I don't care and he kept and then start making threats that he was going to stab me in the neck unquote and maybe I should cut you and at things like that and I just kept ignoring him I didn't say a word the whole time and I just stood there looking up the street for the bus which was late because it was a substitute driver he had a woman on the bus talking to him I think they were occupied at what they call the end of the line and he got a late start so he was just being you know hateful and and he started asking me why don't you why don't you call 911 aren't you scared of me you should call 911 and I just kept ignoring him because he was just pacing around and making verbal threats he wasn't actually I didn't feel threatened at all I was careful I was watching him but I didn't feel scared I just annoyed mainly and nothing is great out this guy doesn't get on the bus and he apparently had the same idea because he said I'm getting on your bus I'm going to make your night hell you know this nonsense and then he decides you need to call 911 he's like shouting it at me and I'm just like you know I just ignored him and that really bothered him he said well if you won't call 911 I will so he pulls out his phone and he calls 911 and he says I'm bothering him at the bus stop asking him questions but then he turns around and he says she said whatever question I ask her the answer is going to be no she's not talking to me you need to come out and deport her that's apparently the new threat in Houston these days that I'm going to get you deported and I am a citizen so I'm not worried about that but he that's what I look like apparently and he's he gave a very inaccurate description said I was Latina which I thought was funny I might be who knows I think if you go back far enough I got something in there because I really do not ever get a sunburn ever so there's some some kind of an alternate heritage there and so he hung up and a couple minutes later which I thought was very interesting a cruiser showed up behind me apparently and he said oh good here he is I'm I'm going to get you deported b**** and then maybe he'll talk to me I'm like huh and he runs towards the office with his bicycle and he grabs his bicycle and he's running towards the officer and he never came back so obviously the officer took care of it hopefully they were able to lock him up for making threats against me I hope he made some threats against me in front of the officer so they could do that but you know it's just sad because he's he's in bondage to the devil and he doesn't even know it and the devil hates him the devil hates me because of what I do and you know this kind of thing used to have when Ron was alive where it was Ron giving me the verbal abuse all the time and it was weird to see it come back years later after his death but you know it's the same old devil pulling the same old strings in people who are in bondage alcohol so it was just ridiculous.
Video post:
https://youtu.be/AsapTp5E_V4?si=f8qCTSY3L5UUXOOl
God help me, when I think about knocking out a quick post, a couple thoughts surface. 1. It is not easy for me to type on a phone keyboard. I have always just done one fingered typing and it's ingrained. Second, I just shudder at the thought of the Pest at the other end writing notes.
At any rate I am "neurodivergent" as they say. Not autistic but my mind is wired differently. I used to get in trouble for "asking stupid questions" because I don't always understand "the obvious". Even now you will never find FAS month like you do for the autistics. I have found that naming my problem involves very hostile and angry responses, usually in women I suspect may have had alcohol while pregnant.
The problem of course, no one knows how much or the context for causing fetal harm. They have found binge drinking while pregnant to be especially problematic. My mother, by ALL accounts, binge drank HEAVILY EVERY DAY. Of course I'd be affected. But, even stating that, I am still met with hostility. So I often just say "I have brain damage from birth" even though the listener usually thinks I am lying or being self deprecating.
Cleaning has always been a huge issue for me, cleaning and organizing. One thing I love about my aunt, I can ask her "stupid" cleaning questions.
I wasn't able to do much after I got hurt. Then I was very busy with outreach, work, trip. I worked several days straight, left, came back, on a bus to work less than 12 hours later, worked 7 days straight.
Days I work I'm usually gone at least 13 hours unless a ride's involved. So I need to do cleaning and organizing, grocery shopping, meal prep, and still work in downtime as God is making it clear I need to take a rest day once a week.
I have been doing laundry and it's not a stretch to say I have clean laundry piled up all over the house. I cleaned up the bedroom (first and last thing I see daily) because it was aggravating. I've done a lot of it, I just need to figure out where to put things. I hope to hang it all up, I prefer that.
Then I need to clean out the fridge, which has a persistent odor. I don't want food there until I fix it.
Spotty got very upset when I started organizing. He thought I was going to work. He is lying on my chest as I'm seated in a chair, purring.
Also and always walking around picking up trash.
That's it for now!
